10 Useful Prophylactic Facts

Outside of getting your sperm supply cut off, male birth control is limited to condoms and abstinence.  Thanks to my American public school sex-education course, you can guess which of these two I learned about…

I’m one of millions of men in this country who was vastly unprepared for and culturally dissuaded from using condoms.  And considering that condoms are essentially the most vital tool for safe sex, sexually active people have got to educate themselves more!

When people use them correctly, condoms are 98% effective.  However, If you just know how to put one on right, you’re already ahead of the curve.  But if you’ve got that first lesson in your sex transcripts, here’s a selection of other vital infortmation for your everyday sex life:

10 Things I Never Learned About Condoms in Sex-Ed

  1. Most Condoms are NOT vegan
    Renouncing the consumption of all animals and animal byproducts is no simple feat, especially when people learn that most condoms are not vegan.  The majority of condoms smooth the latex with a milk protein called casein.  If you don’t want the vegan police to come for you, you should invest in some vegan alternatives.  While most non-latex condoms are incidentally vegan, you may need to double check that.  For a list of confirmed vegan options, follow Vegan.com’s recommendations.
  2. You might NOT have a Latex Allergy
    Research shows that less than 1% of the US population is legitimately allergic to latex. Many who have reactions to latex condoms are actually reacting to certain chemicals (like casein) that are often used in their production.  So if you’re afraid of an allergy, get a doctor to confirm that before you rule out a GIANT portion of the condom market.  While you can try testing at home by trying out different latex condoms until your partner goes into anaphylactic shock; this is not a preferred method to determine allergies, regardless of how hot it would be to blast your partner with an epipen mid-coitus.
  3. Lambskin Sex is NOT Safe Sex
    Lambskin condoms do not protect against viral STDs, like HIV and herpes.  While they do protect against children, the cutest of all the sexually transmitted diseases, viruses are tiny enough to get through the pores in lambskin.  So if you only like the feeling of lambskin, you better only be worried about getting children from your partner.
  4. Buy Online to Save
    Just like printer ink, the condom market preys on desperate people who have run out.  But if you purchase before you need, you pay a fraction of the price!  Even if you’re buying the “best value” at your local pharmacy, you’ll pay half that amount if you order online.  I order in bulks of 100-count packages where I can easily find options that cost $0.05 USD per condom.   While 100 condoms may seem like a lot, condoms are generally good for 5 years (2 years if they have spermicidal lubricant).  Step your safe sex game up and buy for a year of fucking, not just a night.
  5. American Condoms are Rare
    More than 5 billion condoms worldwide are sold every year, according to Michael S. Zedalis, senior vice president in charge of science and technology for condom-maker Ansell Limited.  Of all the brands on the market, the only American company who makes American condoms is Trojan.  Continued support of the American economy means buying American condoms for all your banging needs.
  6. Condom Climate is Important
    Keeping condoms in your wallet or your car is sure useful in a pinch.  But for maximum longevity, condoms need to be kept in a cool, dry place.  The regular frictions put on the average wallet by the average man can deteriorate the condom or puncture the packaging, causing failures.  Keeping them in your car’s glove box can have a similar effect on the condoms.  Excluding the frictions of the glove box, condoms should never be stored anywhere it’s over 100 degrees or cooler than 32 degrees Fahrenheit.  I keep my condoms in an empty Altoids tin in my breast pocket.  It doesn’t get too warm there, not too much turbulence, and I’ve got the room for 4 condoms and a packet of lube!
  7. Flavored Condoms are Probably ONLY for the Mouth
    The same is true for flavored lubricants.  It would be neat if they said this ANYWHERE on the package, but they generally don’t mention that the sugars that make these taste so good also put women at a higher risk for infections like a yeast infection.  While we’re on the subject of women-friendly condoms, spermicidal lubricants also cause irritation which can cause UTIs in women.
  8. Size Matters…kinda
    Here’s a chart for condoms and their sizes.  Unstretched, the smallest “snugger fit” has 58% of the volume that you’ll find in the biggest condom on the market.  That being said, anybody who has ever stuffed their whole head in a condom will tell you that condoms are plenty flexible!  Most “large sized” condoms are the same size as the regular-sized option, but cost 33% more.  Let it never be said that men don’t fall prey to vanity sizing.
  9. Condoms are Especially Important for Buttsex
    While it’s a surefire way to avoid pregnancy.  Just because you’re thinking outside the box, doesn’t mean you’re playing it safe.  Clinical studies show that unprotected anal sex has over twice the HIV risk of its vaginal counterpart.
  10. Condoms Have Tons of Uses
    Even if you’ve decided you’d rather not have sex than do it with a condom on, it’s still beneficial to keep a few in the house!  If you need to waterproof anything or just need a quick bit of latex for tying off something, condoms are good for lots of stuff other than fucking.  And if you have them on hand for those occasions, you won’t be caught unawares if you ever need them for their intended purpose…

I’m always a little shaken by how little people know about condoms.  Often enough, all people know about condoms are the problems they have with them.  If I could address some of those greivances:

  • I can’t feel anything with the condom on
    You lucky duck.  Here I am thinking about baseball and counting prime numbers to stop myself from finishing too fast, and all you have to do is make a prudent decision about the health of yourself and your partner.  Pressuring partners into having unprotected sex with this line is disturbingly common.
    I understand why.  It’s a much more acceptable way of saying “I want to put us both at risk for some reason, and I’m going to bait you into agreeing with me by calling into question your desire for approval.”
    Bad form.
  • The condom is too tight, it cuts off circulation
    I hope your partner isn’t too tight, then!  For real though, try out all the different options on this chart before you decide that no condom in the world has enough room for your enormous pecker.  If you’ve used every single one to no avail, then maybe invest in some female condoms.
  • It takes too long to put it on
    If several seconds is a sizable portion of the time you’re spending making love, you have bigger problems than condom use.  If you feel like putting on a condom interrupts the flow of your session, there are plenty of sexy ways to get the condom on.  Just like taking time in foreplay to get your partner ready, you shouldn’t have a problem with the time it takes to get yourself ready.

That’s just some stuff that I really wish someone had taught me back in the day when I had “sex ed”.  Is there anything you wish you got taught about safe sex when you were in sex ed?  Any important pieces of information about prophylactics I could add to the list?  Feel free to drop those comments in the comments!

Womanizing Your Apartment

I really try to make sure a girl doesn’t regret going home with me.  Making my apartment a little less regrettable is square one in that effort.  Sure, keeping my dirty laundry in a hamper, my filthy dishes in the sink, and my bedsheets absent of mysterious stains is generally enough to keep those regrets at bay; there’s so much more to having a functioning home that will keep the ladies coming back for more of my company.

Like most live-alone bachelors, I don’t have a lot of essentials that a woman would find at one of her girl’s places.  So before all women figure out the benefits of lesbian relationships, let’s take this room-by-room and I’ll tell you some of the most successful additions I’ve made to my apartment to give the fairer sex a reason to visit again.

The Bathroom

If it’s the end of the date, your gal might ask to use your washroom before she goes home.  If you’re bathroom looks amenable to her, she might consider it better to crash at your place than trek home.  Here are some additions I’ve made to keep those considerations considerable:

  1. Femenine Products
    Plenty of girls keep extras of their preferred products in their purse.  If there’s no backup, though, they might be less likely to stay the night away from their rations back home.  While keeping a spare reusable femenine product is certainly environmentally friendly, I doubt every girl you bring home wants to share the same Diva Cup.  I recommend keeping both disposable pads and tampons visible in your bathroom.  For the tampons, Pearl (with an applicator) generally works for everyone in a pinch and is available at most stores.  If you wanna go the extra mile on her cycle, keep some Motrin visible next to the boxes.
  2. Wet Naps
    When a gal says she’s going to “freshen up”, she’s hoping a guy has some of these.  She might use these to wipe the excitement out of her crevasses before taking things to the bedroom and it couldn’t hurt for you to do the same.  Sometimes, they’ll need to freshen up after sex too(esp. if there’s some menstruation and/or backdooring).  And if they don’t have time to go home before work the next day, they can use these to give themselves a field-shower (also known by the less sensitive term “Whore Bath“, guess why).  Unscented Wet Ones (or some legit makeup removal wipes if you wanna score extra points) are also great to have for getting her makeup off before bed so that she doesn’t leave a Pollock painting on the pillow.
  3. A Lined Trash Can with a Lid
    If they are using your wet naps and spare tampons, you better believe your trash can is getting filled with some second-hand womanhood.  A plastic bag will stop things from sticking to the bottom.  A can with a lid will spare your gal the ordeal of having to bury her used products under piles of tissue and toilet paper rolls only to be unearthed the morning after when your dog sniffs into your trash bin and tears the refuse out into a million twisted, brown-red shreds in your kitchen.  And many girls find their used products unsightly, so it’s best to have a lid cover that.
  4. UTI Care
    Of the many benefits there are to being a guy, one is the lack of urinary tract infections.  Most guys go their whole lives without getting one.  On the other hand, 50-60% of women have experienced these painful episodes.  The extra kicker is that UTIs are most commonly caused by having sex.  Given that we’re almost certainly implicit in the infection, so to does the responsibility of treatment fall on the guy’s shoulders.  Invest in some cranberry pills and some AZO (or the store brand urinary pain relief pills) for your lady to limit the physical pain she has reminding her of fucking you.
  5. Hair Care
    As a short-haired guy; I have no need for a hairbrush, curling iron, blow dryer, or bobby pins; but I still have them.  While I used to spike my hair pretty fierce, I haven’t needed any Aqua Net in a long time, but still have it.  I’m sure some girls might wonder why I keep all these things in my bathroom.  But for every one girl that’s wondering, there are 10 girls thanking me for saving their aesthetic for the day.
  6. Miscellaneous Spare Toiletries
    Just like a hotel gives away, keep some items on hand you’re okay throwing away after use.  Here’s what I keep: contact lens cases & solution, toothbrushes, razors, chapstick, safety pins (for bra malfunctions), nail polish (for stocking malfunctions).

The Bedroom

Where the magic happens.  Generally, if they’ve agreed to join me here, I feel like the hard work is already done.  But I could still get hung up on something trivial that will disrupt the romantic flow.  To keep your love machine well oiled, consider making some of the following investments:

  1. Hair Ties
    Most guys don’t understand this struggle.  I’ve sucked plenty of cock and I didn’t understand until I tried doing it while wearing a trashy wig.  It’s hard to slob knob like a lady when your constantly pulling hair out of your mouth.  Certainly a gentleman could hold the hair up for you.  But holding a bun in place tethers your cocksucker, inhibiting their ability to perform fellatio with complete freedom.  Next time you’re at the general store, get a pack of 100, keep them in your bedroom next to the bed so you don’t even need to get up to enhance your BJ!
  2. Spare Chargers
    It’s real easy to have a walk of shame when your phone is dead and you need to get home with nothing to do but think about what happened last night and how visible it is on your person.  But if your phone is full of juice, that walk of shame becomes a triumphant posting of selfies about having the “Best night ever!  Still recovering! #YOLO”
    Have a spare MiniUSB charger for any of your android-using partners, and try to have one of the many different iPhone chargers if for whatever reason you want to cater to the Mac crowd.
  3. Non-Latex Condoms
    Missing some accouterments or other may slow down or choke up the flow of love making.  But if you’re partner has a latex allergy, missing safe sex alternatives will bring your night to a screeching, blue-balled halt.  Invest in a a pack of Polyisoprene, polyeurethane, or lambskin condoms just in case.
  4. Lube
    I know Ronda Rousey said “If you need lube, then you’re being lazy”.  But if she was so smart, then Holm wouldn’t have knocked her the fuck out.  While good foreplay is the cheapest lube, there are plenty of reasons to lube up other than “being lazy”!  Some girls aren’t as naturally wet as others.  And I don’t care how much foreplay you do, you always grease up if you’re going to be backdooring someone.  Keep the lube within arms reach.  And if all possible, get a pump action bottle so that you don’t have to fumble getting the lid open/close.  Buy as much as you might end up using in a year.  Though there’s never an expiration date on lube, experts reccomend about a year before disposal, depending on what kind of lube…
  5. A Towel
    After you grease up your pecker and you’re ready to fuck on all cylinders, you don’t want that slippery and sticky hand to go staining your sheets and ruining your partners hair.  Rub it off on a nearby towel!
    You’re girl on the rag?  Don’t let her cycle turn your bed into a scene from Dexter.  Lay a towel down!
    Just shoot the biggest load of all time onto your partner’s tits/ass/face/feet/cat?  Be a gentleman and reach for a nearby towel to clean up your mess.
    There’s a reason that the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy considers this to be “the most massively useful thing“.  Keep a CLEAN towel near the bed for emergencies!
  6. Hitachi Magic Wand
    Considered by many to be the excalibur of sex toys.  That is in no way an overstatement.  I’ve had girls who were prepared to be dissapointed by all the hype be pleasantly surprised before they wiped the drool from their mouths and started eating that crow.

The Kitchen

My mornings are built in my kitchen.  I build my date’s morning in the kitchen too.  These are my construction tools:

  1. Disposable Coffee Cups
    Being a gentleman and fixing coffee/tea for your gal pal first thing in the morning is a great way to make her feel welcome and appreciated.  If you fix her a cup for the road in a disposable cup with a lid, she’ll be feeling them feels even after she leaves.
  2. Easy Breakfasts
    If you’re sending your gal out with a to-go coffee, you might as well send her with a nutri-grain/cliff-bar/pop-tart/other handheld snack.  These are also great if you need to leave before she does.  On your way out, give her a kiss and tell her to help herself!
  3. Chocolate
    I’m tempted to put this under “feminine products”, but I keep this menstrual aid in the kitchen.
  4. Cold Water Bottle
    It doesn’t have to be name-brand bottled water, but a filled nalgene in the fridge is exactly what you’re both going to want after you’re done with a heart-pumping, high-energy fuckspree.

That’s all I can think of with big thanks to the women in my life for adding some of their insights.  Gals, is there anything you wish guys would have at their places?  If so, post them in the comments for all the aspiring bachelors to put on their grocery list!

Growing Fetishes

“the bleak light of full adulthood, which is to one’s early twenties as Sunday morning is to Saturday night”
-Neal Stephenson, Snow Crash

There’s plenty I’ve found myself more interested in as I’ve grown older:  Lingerie, pegging, The Dave Matthews Band.  Similarly, the partners I’ve had for many years have also developed as we’ve grown together.  They too adopt new fetishes and quirks, though nothing as weird as The Dave Matthews Band.  That’s pretty much just me.

While these quirks certainly vary strongly between the partners I’ve had, there is one fetish of which I’ve found more and more of the female partners I’ve had have been particularly fond: the creampie fantasy.

It might be as simple as the pleasure of forbidden fruits.  Maybe it’s a reclamation of the historical use of impregnation as a tool of female oppression.  Or maybe we’re all just getting a little older and parenthood is becoming something that scares us in a good way.  Whatever the reason, just like Game of Thrones or Fifth Harmony, pretending to knock a girl up is what’s hot right now.

Note, I said “pretending”.  Safe sex no more mutually exclusive with an impregnation fantasy than consent is with a rape roleplay.  I’ve done the impregnation roleplay while wearing condoms, with partners using an IUD, I’ve even had an impregnation roleplay with a transwoman.  I discuss the matter beforehand, establish whatever parameters please both parties, and we forge ahead with an everpresent consideration of each other and have never had an issue.

It’s a high risk roleplay, though.  You’re playing with the concept of maternity.  Which is a Freudian slippery slope.  If we were using the rating system I employed in my article about roleplays, I would rank this one as an R-Rated roleplay.  At least.  I think that’s why it’s been received so well.  It’s just so impossibly naughty…

Like many of my partners, I grew up with a stock of middle and upper-middle class white youths.  For many of us in the progressive generation, we weren’t raised to be afraid of sex.  We were raised to be afraid of babies.  The parents of our generation made sure we knew their regrets about having us.

Of course, our parents are one generation deeper into the widespread use of pregnancy to subjugate and indenture women.  With the expanding recognition of these acts, there too is coming the expanding fetishization of them.  Just like 1950s household or Burlesque, our newfound understanding of the sordid history makes it wet with unacceptability.  It’s no coincidence that all of the partners who have enthusiastically taken to this fetish are also Steinem-reading, patriarchy-fighting, self-identified feminists.

In addition to feminism, the other trend that’s popular with my partners is aging.  We’re not old yet, but we’re getting to the age where we’re expected to continue propagating the species.  And in this bleak light of full adulthood, there is something satisfying about the feeling of giving in to the societal pressure.  I won’t deny that it’s a little liberating when immerse myself in the toxic masculinity that is dripping from the affectations of me being “dominant” in the bedroom.

I am become patriarchy, destroyer of wombs.

Don’t get your Dworkins in a twist, though.  Just like condoms, feminism too is not mutually exclusive with this roleplay.  I can only imagine the struggles of the average woman who identifies as feminist and submissive, so I don’t want to miss an opportunity to remind them that you can be both.  And the feminist/submissive dichotomy is no less false than the conventional one drawn between virgin/whore.

Be both.  Say the nasty shit.

Get the nasty shit said to you.

It’s more prevalent than you might imagine.  Reddit has 11 forums dedicated to the subject, two of which are personals, totalling 140,242 subscribed readers.  And that’s just in the public forums, of which the three most popular (are NSFW and) are:

  • r/breeding – 26,514 Readers
    This forum is sort of a catch-all for any media/literature of or relating to the subject.
  • r/cuckoldpregnancy – 7,714 Readers
    Which is directed to the act of humiliating submissives with having their partners sharing a child with a third, outside party.  While there certainly are a few posts dedicated to cuckqueaning and also whitebreeding a female person of color.  The most common post is for “blackbreeding” a white woman with an extramarital black male (or “bull” to use the technical language).
  • r/inbreeding – 4,616 Readers
    This subreddit goes with the tagline “When just fucking your family isn’t enough”.  What a pointed commentary!  If you’re already having one of the most taboo fetishes on the market, why not go the extra weird mile?
    In for a penny, in for a pound…

Reddit is a fine platform for getting your hands on literature and some images on the subject.  While they do have videos, the champion of getting internet porn videos for free is the searching feature behind porn torrenting websites.  These have been meticulously and methodically designed to satisfy perverts with very specific proclivities.  I groomed all the tags relevant to the topic and found a total of 362 videos!  Of the top tags concerning these fetishes, here’s a list with the number of tagged videos:

 

Tag(s) Videos Available
“Impregnation” 247
“Impregnation Fantasy” 115
“Breeding” 70
“Blackbred” 11
“Black.Bred” 7
“Black.Breeding” 5
“Bred.By.Black” “Insemination” 4
“Wifebreeding”, “Wifebreeder”, “Inseminated”, “Impreg” 3
“Wife.Breeders”, “Breed”, “Blackbred.com”, “Forced.Impregnation” 2
“Implied.Impregnation”, “Blrackbred”, “Breedingwhore”, “Interracial.Breeding”, “Reluctant.Breeding”, “Reluctant.Impregnation”, “Forced.Breeding”, “Bred.By.Blacks” 1

Note: plenty of the videos in this stock fall into several, if not most, of these categories.

In total, we’re looking at 362 separate videos that are all directed towards an impregnation fetish.  To put that in perspective, it’s not as common as videos tagged with fetishes like “Emo” (429 videos) or “Anal.Beads” (465 videos).  It’s almost as popular as spectacles like “ass.to.ass” (364 videos); marginally more popular than fetishes like “Medical” (358 videos) or  “wrestling” (360 videos).  And it’s distinctly more common than videos tagged with fetishes like “Tickling” (255 videos) or “Nipple.Torture” (253 videos).

Of the representative videos tagged in the impregnation fetish, the most downloaded are:
5.  Veruca James – Virtual Sex Creampie (142 Seeds)
4.  Alex Chance – Brothers and Sisters (154 Seeds)
3.  Taylor Mitchell – Real Amateur Hotwife & Interracial Cuckold  (175 Seeds)
2.  Princess Leia – Party Girl Had Daddy Impregnate Her (207 Seeds)
1.  Lady Fyre – Mom Made Me Impregnate Aunt Mallory (441 Seeds)

Clearly, inbreeding is the most commonly shared video on the subject.  But interracial cuckoldry is in a very powerful third place.  Just barely in the top 5 would be the fine performance of Veruca James, which is a story of a deceptive girl who lures her boyfriend into using sabotaged condoms so that she gets pregnant because she is excited about the idea of having his abortion.

I’ll bet you thought the one that wasn’t about incest or cuckoldry was gonna be a little more normal, didn’t you?

False.

Given the usually direct correlation between how sexy something is and how unacceptable it is, don’ t be afraid to let your freak flag fly.  Sure, I’ve proposed this roleplay to a few girls who were not interested.  But accepting a refusal is easy enough to do, that it’s worth at least offering if you’re interested.

As for the execution of the roleplay, here’s a list of winning strategies I’ve found for the engagement:

  1. Suspend the Disbelief
    Don’t let them see you put the condom on.  Sure, they’ll know you’re wearing one.  But there’s something exciting about not knowing that your partner is wearing one.  Like good practical special effects at the movies.  I know it’s only a model, but I forget when I’m not reminded.
  2. Talk Some Shit
    Even if you were legitimately having unprotected sex for the explicit purpose of procreation, you wouldn’t know if you were successful for at least a week.  So the only way to make it real (or ‘real’ in the case of a roleplay) is for the verbal exchange to happen.  Use some graphic language with phrases like “knock me up” or “make me a mom”.  You can even get extra gritty with nigh-agricultural phrases like “you’re my fertile, little breed mare”.
  3. Find out What You Like About It
    This should be the first step before exploring any kink really.  Do you like the idea of having something of your partner’s put into you?  Do you like the idea of owning your partner from the inside?  There are a lot of different places you could take this kink and finding out what direction will really help guide you to a place you really dig.

Have you ever tried an impregnation roleplay?  What was the scenario?  Got any winning lines you like to say/hear?  Any good videos you’d recommend for people who’re interested?

Down with OPP

For conventional dating, the three word phrases that usually send people running are “I love You” and “Ass to Mouth”.  In the world of nonmonogamy, there is a different three words that go bump in the night:

One Penis Policy

The OPP; also known as polygyny, hareming, or the “Highlander-Cock Rule”.  I’m talking about the relationship style that is a form of a cis-heterosexual coupling that is non-monogamous.  The stipulation to their non-monogamy being that while the man is allowed to have whatever outsider partners he likes, his female partner may only have relations with other women.

You might have known some people with an OPP (One Penis Policy), you might have even been one of those couples.  I know I was.

It was when I was a young, scared, and still recovering from being a monogamist.  And fuck me running if it didn’t make me feel secure to adopt a lifestyle that’s incidentally one of the most desired male fantasies in existence.  As a crutch, having an OPP eased me into polyamory just fine.  But now that I’ve spread my wings (and have them tested regularly), I can fly free in the winds of non-exclusivity and I look back on where I came from and see the real issues with it.  Firstly and simply, it’s not fair to the woman in the relationship.  It’s also dismissive of the connections that are built between women.  Ultimately though, it’s not really a necessary step to being truly open with each other.

Being truly open relies on being fair.  It relies on having a realistic understanding of the expectations you have for your partner.  I encourage guys to try playing with their own asshole before they try anal with their girlfriend.  I encourage guys to try body waxing before they expect brazillians.  It’s good to know what it’s like to be on the receiving end before you buy a pretense.  In this case, I’m talking about being on the receiving end of somebody else’s nonmonogamy with a heterosexual partner.

While some guys might feel like the only way they could be nonmonogamous and secure is if their girlfriend was with another woman.  If that’s the case for you, you’re letting your greed and insecurity undermine your partner’s pursuit of happiness; which fundamentally opposes nearly all the virtues of polyamory.  And to tack it onto the historical practice of polygyny as a tool for female oppression, the OPP has no place in modern polyamory.  Modern polyamory is also feminist polyamory.  Modern polyamory cannot exist in a space where men are explicitly given liberties not also offered to women.

To be blunt, the OPP is misogynist.

To be extra blunt, the OPP is misogynist and homophobic.

Having the policy doesn’t make you Jerry Falwell, but it does dismiss the legitimacy of connections built in the absence of heterosexuality.  I didn’t feel like I was being homophobic when I was doing it.  Hell, I felt like I was a champion of the queer movement for allowing my partner to indulge her bisexual desires.  I fancied myself to be the great liberator, imparting my superior male blessings upon her playful acts of want and carnality.

Like I said, I was young.  Did I say stupid?  I was stupid too…

The OPP is not an ally of the queer movement.  It’s quite the opposite.  It’s tantamount to telling your partner:

“I’m possessive of you and feel threatened by the idea of seeing you build a heterosexual connection.  I recognize that you are more secure in our relationship, and can abide the limitations I am neglecting to extend also to myself.  Because I consider homosexual relations between women to be novel and trivial, I will allow them.”

The OPP fundamentally relies on the idea that a sapphic encounter is somehow not “real sex.”

I assure you, it is.  And girls can be just as territorial and possessive as boys when it comes to romance.  So if there’s a worry that a another man will somehow upstage the relationship dynamic, then a real solution is to avoid nonmonogamy altogether.  If you’re new to nonmonogamy, set whatever boundaries make you feel comfortable.  But I implore newbies to avoid having a long term OPP.

Even if you don’t have an official OPP, you’ll probably end up with a de-facto OPP.  For several of my partners, I have been their only male partner.  It’s not because I’ve established a set of rules preventing anything otherwise.  It’s because of an underlying truth about modern courtship:

Dating guys sucks.

Trust me, I’ve done it.  There’s a reason I’m on the straighter end of bisexual.  There are lots of reasons, actually.  Women don’t mind taking things slowly.  Women are more willing to talk about their feelings.  Women are self lubricating.  My partners and I have mostly dated women simply because it’s generally a much more pleasant experience.  Making a policy for it is unnecessary and functions only to perpetuate the marginalizing of women and queers.

If you’re a standup guy, then you’ve set the bar for the quality of gentleman that your lady will desire.  Lesser basic bros will be turned away by her having a confident man in her life.  If there’s a worry that being open to other men will somehow invite the creepers to start making their advances, I can understand that.  But for those of us who have seen the modern dating market, we know that creepers will make their advances regardless of how your relationship is identified.  Even if the man in a given relationship was out of the picture, and the woman was on the dating market as an asexual lesbian only looking for distance partners, she would still be accosted by straight male creepers.  She’d also probably get accosted by couples with an OPP…

Anybody here ever have an OPP?  How did it go for you?  Post in the comments!

Finding a New Deen

In the wake of the numerous allegations of assault being charged against James Deen, many of us have lost our infatuation the golden boy of modern adult media.  Deen was on track to dethrone Ron Jeremy as the most well-known male actor.  And Jeremy has been doing a lot more than just sitting on that throne for many years now.

For many of us, finding the right porno to watch can be a daunting task.  It’s like the first day of school after you get your meal in the cafeteria, then you need to decide where to sit.  James Deen was like that kid that you knew just well enough that if you ever saw him at a table, you knew that you could sit next to him talking about pokemon cards.  He may not have been in your clique, but he always said hi to you in the hallway and if you ever got partnered up for a group project, he wouldn’t let you down.

But after everything that’s happened, he’s like that kid that you sat next to in a bathroom stall one time and you heard some really awful, guttural noises coming from the other side.  Now every time you see him, all you can do is see what you imagined happening on the other side of that stall.  You see tooth-gritting-fist-clenching deuce dropping.  You may not know exactly what transpired, but what you heard makes you not want to eat around him ever again.

So too goes James Deen.  Regardless of his previous accomplishments for adult media and feminism, I can’t shake the numerous accusations against him and enjoy his work.

And now begins the search for the new male adult star that will take our hearts doggy-style and not make stupid faces when he finishes.  As I consider myself a connoisseur of the art of pornography, I have some recommendations.  So with no further ado, in no particular order, and with tightening pants, I present:

10 Male Actors Who Could
Become Porn’s New Frontman

  1. Derrick Pierce:
    DerrickPierceHe has an outstanding resume with the people at Kink.com as well as playing villains in many XXX superhero spoofs (including playing a very good DP scene).  While he may commonly play a top-heavy dom in kink scenes, he sticks around for aftercare scenes and seems like a real sweetheart.
  2. Christian XXX
    ChristianXXXWhile he originally performed gay porn under the name “Maxxx Diesel”, he has since transitioned to doing straight scenes in addition to his previous work.  In doing this, he is actually standing up for bi/pansexual performers.  There are female performers who have refused to work with him because his is not heterosexual.  He carries it just fine, giving and receiving from many genders, even those identifying as non-binary.
  3. Tommy Pistol
    TommyPistolWhile he’s always been the Dean Koontz to James Deen’s Stephen King, things are changing.  He is poised to eclipse Deen as the non-threatening Joseph Gordon-Levitt of porno.  With his dedication to making nerd porn and his tattoos (the most notable of which being a large Aqua Teen Hunger Force graphic on his side), he’s the new age boy next door.  His look is scruffy and his body is not chiseled.  He looks like the kind of guy that you would have a very stable, functioning sex life with.
  4. Danny D
    DannyDI first encountered Danny D in an adult adaptation of Harry Potter where he played the title character.  The scene was real hot. When he screamed “EXPELLIAMUS!” as he performed his moneyshot at the end, I knew this boy was going somewhere.  If you would like to see a little more of this Englishman’s horcrux, there’s an entire tumblr dedicated to it.  Check it out, I’d definitely call it a death stick (NSFW).  He’s got an unassuming cuteness and an understated look that’s carried powerfully by his neat accent and enormous penis.
  5. Ryan Driller
    01/20/2012 - Ryan Driller - AVN Adult Entertainment Expo - Day 3 - Hard Rock Hotel - Las Vegas, NV, USA - Keywords: Adult Video News Orientation: Portrait Face Count: 1 - False - Photo Credit: Glenn Francis / PR Photos - Contact (1-866-551-7827) - Portrait Face Count: 1Driller has the looks of a standard all-american hunk.  It’s no surprise they’re asking him to play superheroes like Captain America and Superman in their respective adult adaptations.  He carries himself like a real standup guy in all of his interviews to boot!  Talking about the importance of respecting and listening to women.  He even made the adult adaptation of 50 Shades of Grey watchable!
  6. Levi Cash
    LeviCashHe’s a dopplebanger for Breckin Meyer, so if you’ve ever wanted to live out that fantasy where you have sex with the underdog of some comedy set in a college campus, look no further.  Driving that point home, he’s even appeared in adult adaptations of films like Weird Science.  He’s the kind of guy that you root for while you’re watching him bang.

 

 

 

7.  Xander Corvus
Kinkster, cosplayer, and punk musician with a voice like Tom Waits.  He’s a little grungier than the everyman people might expect to be the figurehead for adult entertainment.  But if you look past the patchy beard and the snakebite lip piercings, he’s got some solid ideas about the adult industry that might make him perfectly suited for the visibility.
8.  Logan Pierce

LoganPierce

A filmmaker first, culturalist second and incidentally a pornographer.  While he’s certainly got a sexual soul, it’s clear that he’s not the sexual deviant who typically signs up for a porno.  He’s got a real sweet way about him when I watch where I can tell he and his partner are having a really great time.  As a figurehead for pornography, I think he would certainly be more palatable than the some of the more deviant options.

9.  Tee Reel
TeeReelThere’s all this talk about making the next Doctor Who or the next James Bond a person of color.  If we’re ready to see a staple of nerd culture or a staple of action cinema go there, we really do need to step up our porno game.  In addition to facilitating any fantasies you may have had about having sex with the Old Spice Guy, he’s also a solid role model for aspiring adult entertainers everywhere.  After getting his degree in film, he worked on making music videos before he pushed to produce, direct, and star in his own adult films.

10.  Seth Gamble

SethGambleHe’s one of the few male performers that has rhythm when he needs to dance in musical scenes of adult films.  Which is a throwback to his time as an exotic dancer.  Probably why he was one of the leads in the adult adaptation of Magic Mike.  By his own admission, it was tough for him to sign up for adult media, because he doesn’t think he could be on the Disney channel afterwards.  But realistically, he could have been the kind of kid that you grew up watching on Even Stevens.

 

Those are my picks.  Just like not everyone knows about what’s transpired with James Deen, I may not know about some seedy underbelly of these performers.  So if you know anything that would disqualify any of these guys from being a good representative, post it in the comments!  If there’s anybody I missed that you think should be on this list, post them too!

Deen has some big shoes to fill, but these fellas are good at filling all sorts of spaces.

Swing Your Partner Round and Round

notactuallythat_LargeI’m such a good wingman.  If my bros don’t hook up by night’s end, I’ll bang them myself.  While my friends may not always take me up on that offer, my partners often do.  I play matchmaker for my partners if they like.  And I like it too.  I think doing so reinforces the structure of my polyamorous relationships.

Polyamory takes more than just tolerance of your partner having other liasons.  Polyamory is about appreciating the other connections your partner is building.  I like to take it the step further and enable those connections when I can.  There is value in helping your partner find other partners.

Outside of the fact that I want my partner to have someone good to them, it’s great having a metamour who’s good to me.  Especially for those of us who are still feeling out polyamory, having a more personal stake in your partner’s romantic decisions can help ease folks away from conventional dating.  And dating is work, but one of the nice things about polyamory is that you get to share the load.

One of my favorite ways to spend a night in with a partner is to sit around drinking wine and reviewing each others’ potential dates.  We’ll go through a few rounds of swiping left and right where we giggle and tease like the immature bisexuals we’re too old to be anymore.  From there, we get the chance to scoop through who each of us is talking to.  This gives us an opportunity to air our excitements and also our hesitations.  So if I see someone who lists an interest in motorcycles, then my partner can get a date and I might get a new riding buddy!  Similarly, I might see someone I know that I would not like to become metamours with and let my partner know about that right away.

I’ve always been of the mind that metamour relations are one of the truest determining factors in the success of any polyamorous engagement.  While your partner might have a decent idea of the kind of metamour you would like to have, you know better than they do.  So just like mixing cocktails or performing oral sex, it’s worthwhile to let your partner know what you like.

Awareness of your partner(s)’ romantic preferences is integral in polyamorous dating.  This is one of the harder parts for people to adopt when they are just getting started with nonmonogamy.  Plenty of couples just decide to date people together.  Most commonly, this is a straight couple who start looking for a bisexual woman to be their third.  While this practice is met with grand disapproval from many polyamorists, branching out of monogamy together is a fine idea.  I just strongly encourage people to ease back on how together you are when you’re branching out.

When I was first breaking into this whole polyamory thing, I found it much easier to have metamours that I helped to arrange.  It was very beneficial for all the emotions that came along with my partner having other partners.  When I would hear about the hard times my partner had with a metamour I had a hand in arranging, I wasn’t so quick to dismiss their quality as a partner.  When my partner is out with some yahoo she met on OkC named “4ngry1nches” and she tells me that the dates are anything but a pristine joy, there’s a real good chance I’ll encourage her to cut bait.  But if she tells me that she’s having a hard time communicating with the cute programmer that I encouraged her to swipe right, I’ll give her some stratagems to keep his attention.  After all, I’m practically responsible for that.

Opposite bad dates, when my partner is gushing about their newest fling with the most impossibly handsome, charming, wealthy adonis of a man; I may start to feel a bit insecure.  I might feel insubstantial, jealous, even threatened.  However, if I helped my partner arrange this date, my ego will take over and I’ll be flushed with pride.  It’s like when you give someone advice on what to get their spouse for their anniversary, and they get the perfect gift.  You don’t get to give or receive the booty, but you can still relish knowing you’re responsible for the assist.

Assistance is key, by the way.  Dating yields good results when it’s fed good labor.  The best way to get good labor, is sometimes to just get a little more labor.  Many hands make work light, so cruise around OkCupid or Tinder with your partner together.  Help your partner write a good Boiler Plate message that they can send to profiles they really like.  The two of you can even just sit down over dinner and talk about some people the two of you might know who would be worth asking out.  One of you two could even play messenger.

I’ve never asked anybody out on behalf of my partner before, but I have been asked out by a lady’s boyfriend in the past.  In no way did it cheapen or invalidate the proposal.  I actually found myself cozied with an extra sense of security.  I could immediately bypass the worries that this was old-school polyamory noncensensual nonmonogamy.  And I was flattered to be considered such a solid choice that her man made the approach.  As long as you have your partner’s consent, you can certainly take the initiative if they’re too shy.

You can’t date half a couple.  Similarly, you can’t date a full couple.  That sweet spot in between is where polyamorous dating can flourish.  Finding partners outside a polyamorous relationship has so many dimensions because there are relationships being created between all involved parties.  Every relationship that’s created, be it romantic, social, or at least just civil; is independent and unique and worth care and consideration.

What works for you, though?  Have you ever helped a partner get a date?  Have you ever been assisted? What works with that?  What hasn’t worked?  Be a wingman for my blog and post in the comments!

Erotolalia

I remember the first time a partner asked me to talk dirty.  I didn’t know what the hell to say.  Here I was, the proud author of a whole moleskine of angsty teen poetry, and I couldn’t even muster the words to tell someone how bad I wanted to fuck them.  How embarrassing.

When I finally scrounged up the courage, I regurgitated a few standard lines I’d heard in porno about how I thought she was soooo hoooot.  I told her that she made me hooooorny.  I told her I liked how she made me haaaaard.  Then, I don’t know why, but I said some silly-ass shit that I don’t even want to look at while I’m writing this, so you can highlight it to read what I said to the sweet older woman who took in a young man and broke his chatter-cherry:
|“Tell me you like my hard cock.  Yeah, tell me it’s as hard as a…uh…as hard as a…carrot.”|

This kind of newbie fumbling is surprisingly common from what I’ve heard.  So unfortunately, in the rare occasion that somebody finds the chutzpah to try it, they often get too embarrassed to give it a second go.  Just like surfing or buttsex, some people have such a bad experience on their first try that they never get to know the real joys of exploring it once you’ve had some practice.

Getting practiced can seem very daunting.  But it’s not as scary as it may seem.  50 Shades of Grey was on the best seller list for 50 weeks straight.  And it’s not like E.L. James had an accomplished career as a writer or a supernatural command of language that kept it there.  Hell, people even tell me that I make a decent showing with indecent verbiage.  If you’re not sure what kind of language gets people’s jimmies rustled, check out literotica’s top voted stories.  Not to downplay it, I’ve been batin’ to Literotica since I used to visit on Netscape Navigator.  But when you read through these stories, it’s plain to see that you don’t need to be master of eroticism to say something that turns people on.

How Do I Start?

If you want to test your chops against an anonymous recipient, consider an anonymous chat client like omegle or chatroulette.  Many people freeze up and stay silent when they see another person and can’t practice.  If you’re communication is text-based, it gives you some drafting time to start building your sexy language abilities.  Because it’s an anonymous client, you also get the chance to embody a different persona for the conversation.  Consider playing a different gender/age/race/orientation.  Trying on the shoes of another persuasion also gives you a more complete understanding of human sexuality.  After you’re more comfortable, consider talking in-person with a partner!

Dirty talking is one of the safest kinks to explore with a partner.  It’s not like pegging or hook suspension where you can go too far too fast too easily.  But just because you won’t need a speculum to fix a mistake, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t talk about it beforehand.  Are they ready to hear you say something nasty?  Are they ready to return communique?  You can even make this chat part of the dirty talking!

Go over with your partner about things they like and don’t like for bedroom verbiage.  Is there something special they like calling you?  Master?  Boy?  Daddy?  Is there something special they like being called?  Mistress?  Slut?  Xena, Warrior Princess?

Clarification is good to prevent hiccups.  What is totally unacceptable to say outside the bedroom might be just what your partner wants to hear.  But it’s dangerous to assume that one inappropriate word is acceptable just because they accept another.

I had a partner once who loved getting bent over and called names.  I called them a filthy slut, a dirty whore. But when I experimented and used the B-word, the sex immediately halted and she turned back and shot me with a fearsome BKB (Read: Boner Killing Bitchface), and informed me that particular nomenclature would not be acceptable.

I hope she’s not reading this…

Ask them if they have any trigger words, good or bad.  What language do they like for anatomy?  They may be alright calling it a cunt, snatch or hole; but the word “pussy” might be unacceptable.  Let your partner know that you’re alright calling it a cock, dick, or shaft…but you’ve always liked when people call it MEGATRON.   What language do you both want for the act itself?  Bangin’?  Making love?  Riding the train to pound town?

After you’ve got a bead on what their ears are ready to receive, get an idea of what kind of communication they’re willing to deliver; or if they even want to deliver.  Like cunnilingus or cash tips; some people like dirty talking, but only when they’re on the receiving end.  One-sided dirty talking is fine, though.  Just like cunnilingus or cash tips, plenty of people find giving very gratifying on its own.

When Do I Start?

Dirty talking can come very naturally once you know how to start.  For me, sparking the fires starts in a number of different ways that are heavily context-sensitive.  If it’s first thing in the morning, I will wake my partner slowly by mentioning what I might have been dreaming about doing to them.  If we’re out together in public, I might whisper in their ear about some nearby corner where I would like to steal away and what debauchery might ensue.  If we’re just getting ready for bed, I would really like to tell them what I’ve been thinking about doing all day.

Ask your partners what they think about when they’re touching themselves.  Tell them what you think about when you do it.  It’s alright to give a little flattery fiction in this part of the foreplay.  If you’ve crafted a fantasy about them in your mind, tell them about it!  It may not be exactly what you’re thinking about when you’re batin’, but it’s still nice to hear your fantasies!  Even if you can only get off to the weird stuff, partners are glad to know you’ve considered them when treating yourself.

When you’re dirty talking though, make sure you are speaking clear and loud enough that your partner can hear.  It can be painfully awkward if you to ask to repeat.  And it can be painfully awkwarder to have to repeat.

Though it’s a fine vehicle for foreplay, dirty talking is more than just an opening ceremony.  It can even enhance the experience when you don’t say anything until you’re fucking so hard that the wallpaper starts peeling.

What Do I Say?

After you’ve established what does and does not rustle your partner’s jimmies, there is a broad palette to paint your soliloquy; so broad, it might be intimidating.  I prefer to narrow my focus to a specific theme to develop as the dirty talking blossoms.  Here are some winning strategies I’ve discovered and some examples I’ve delivered/experienced:

  1. Explain the Current Situation
    Simple and effective.  This is the bread and butter of dirty talking.  If you’re not sure how to start or how to sustain, you can always defer to this strategy.  Explain what is happening in as much graphic detail as you are capable.  Ava Devine, the “Lady in the Lake of Porn”, has practically built an entire career around this kind of dirty talking.
    EXAMPLES:
    “You’re fucking me so hard you’re making my titties bounce”
    “You’re taking every inch of my hard dick”
    “Your balls are slapping against me while you fuck my ass”
  2. Wish List
    One of the best ways to get what you want is to ask for what you want.  Maybe you’re begging for something.  Maybe you’re demanding something.  Or maybe you’re just explaining with colorful detail the exact circumstances of how you like to be pleased.  Communicating about your desires in the bedroom is an integral part of good sex.  Dirty talking can be a really fun vehicle for those conversations!
    EXAMPLES:
    “Please bend me over and fill up my hole”
    “Stick your pinky out when you do it and suck my dick like a lady”
    “Eat up my pussy like an ice cream cone”
  3. Assume your Role
    If you and your partner have a BDSM dynamic to your relationship, or you’re just doing a sexy roleplay; falling back on your characters will keep the conversation flowing.  You can bark orders if you are dominating.  You can declare your loyalty if you’re displaying submission.  You can just refer to your partner as the character they are playing in your roleplay.  This is a good way to anchor people in the fantasy.
    EXAMPLES:
    “Good kitty.  Don’t waste a drop”
    “I live to please my mistress”
    “I’ve always wanted to feel my brother’s hard cock!”
  4. Explain Who You/they Are
    While this certainly ties into roleplaying; sometimes, you’re not roleplaying.  There are plenty of meaningful and real positions that people have in each others lives that can be brought up.  Instead of anchoring your partner in a fantasy, this anchors them in the fantastic reality of the relationship that you already have.
    EXAMPLES:
    “I’m you’re good, little, private slut”
    “I know you like your hubby’s big, hard dick”
    “Fuck me, I’m your girl!”
  5. Speak a Different Language
    This is the diet coke of raceplay.  You may not be ready to wear a sombrero in the bedroom; but calling your boyfriend papi can still be really hot and naughty.  Even if it’s not necessarily your native language, it can make the encounter that much more exotic.  I had a recovering weaboo in the bedroom one time and I forced her to refer to me as senpai and say DESU DESU DESU DESU whenever she was climaxing.
    EXAMPLES:
    “Fais-moi grimper au rideau.” [French]
    “Fick mich schneller” [German]
    “Mapigo yako ni kiboko.” [Swahili]
  6. Praise Your Partner
    While you never want to compliment too much in a relationship, those rules go out the window when you’re bangin’.
    Lots of rules do.
    In that, you can’t spill enough language exalting your partner.  You can lay thick compliments about their body, their mind, their spirit, their skill.  It doesn’t necessarily even need to all be true.  If you’re comfortable with it, a little hyperbole goes a long way.
    EXAMPLES:
    “You’re so big, I won’t be able to walk straight later”
    “This ass is yours.  You deserve it.  Take it until you’re ready to let me taste a hot load of your cum”
    “You have such a cute little snatch, I love to watch my cock disappear into your beautiful bush”
  7. Degrade Your Partner
    Saying nice things is sweet.  Saying things that aren’t nice can be really fucking hot, though.  This one you’re definitely going to need to discuss beforehand.  While some people are really into getting put down, plenty of people are exceedingly selective about the levels of degradation they will accept.  At some point, degradation becomes insults and people can go from feeling really naughty to really shitty.  After you’ve discussed things, you can start exploring conversational dominance.
    EXAMPLES:
    “You’re such a dirty whore, you let me use up all your holes”
    “You were born to eat my pussy.  You should just quit your job”
    “Choke down this dick like a twinkie you fat slut”
  8. Prompt Them
    Just like regular conversations, I always prefer dirty talking with someone instead of at someone.  One of the easiest ways to play off each other is with a question/prompt.  Taking the initiative and engaging your partner is sometimes the only way to get them to start talking with you.  You can inquire about their current state and see if there is anything else they want you could indulge or maniacally disregard!  You could ask them to repeat after you.  You could beg them to say something to you.
    EXAMPLES:
    “Does my man like my tight, little cunt?”
    “Tell me you’re my fuck toy”
    “Who does this ass belong to?”

 

When Do I Stop?

When somebody drops the safeword, that means the dirty talking needs to clean up quick.  But even if they haven’t dropped the safeword, you can certainly adjust the levels of intensity depending on how they respond.  If you’re in the middle of a scene and they mention something about the language approaching territory where they feel uncomfortable, it’s easy enough to wind things back.

When you are done with a scene, sometimes it helps to take care of a partner without dirty talking them.  Sure, aftercare in character can be a good way to not suspend the encounter.  But sometimes, your partners might need to be brought out of the scene by breaking character.  One of the easiest ways to pull people out of the dirty-talking headspace is to refer to them by their name directly.

 

What Works for You?

The explorations above are just the tip of the dirty-talking iceberg.  These are just my experiences.  And I come from a very different place in my motivations for dirty talking.

Sometimes, I’m too lazy to give foreplay properly.  Enticing your partner’s body involves hands, fingers, tongues and a brain that’s willing to orchestrate all of that in the correct order and tempo.  Working people up is work!

Thankfully, there is an avenue for foreplay that caters to my sensitivities as a sloth.  They always say that the mind is the biggest sex organ.  If I can stimulate that without even having to move, I might do that first thing in the morning instead of slopping my groggy face into some half-assed BJ to get my partner ready.  And getting myself talking stimulates my biggest sex organ to boot.

What are your reasons for wanting to talk dirty?  What are some things that people have said that turned you on?  Turned you off?

Post your responses in the comments below!

Summer Lovin’

Some guys are into asians, or tattoos, or girls who do the weird stuff.  I’ve recently found myself searching out partners based on finite proximity.  I was specifically targeting people who will not be in Chicago for the long-term.    I’m not sure exactly why, but I got really enamored with the idea of dates who had a distinct finish line for their time with me.  There are a number of good reasons to get involved with someone who’s going to be an isolated romantic incident.

Why Have a Short-Term Relationship

  1. Paradigm Shift
    I’m not going to say it lowers your standards.  But you could certainly change your standards with the temporary nature of the engagement.  You don’t need to look at every aspect of their character and consider the long term effects.  Don’t obscure your ability to build a meaningful connection by worrying about what might happen when your parents finally meet them.  If you normally don’t date asians, or people with tattoos, or people into the weird stuff; just give it a chance.  Try romance that’s not polluted with all of your expectations.  You might even learn to overcome one of your longstanding dealbreakers if you have a limited engagement to desensitize you.  It’s a fine opportunity to step out of your comfort zone with a prearranged escape back into it.
  2. Raw NRE
    While there are certainly occasional exceptions to this, a relationship will generally never be as exciting as in the first month or so of its inception.  Those feelings of exploring new emotions and affections stir you right up!
    Relationships can be a lot like eating muffins: the beginning is usually the best part.
    Sure, the stump of the muffin is still cake, which is fine and delicious.  But the stump will never be as sticky-sweet and nut-glazed as the top.    A short-term romance is like going to a bakery that only sells the top part of the muffin.
  3. Imported Goods
    One of the easiest ways to have a limited engagement is with someone who’s from out of town.  Maybe they’re visiting for a grad program, internship, or spring break.  While you don’t want to outsource too much of your labor, you could certainly gain some insights from taking in foreign engineering.  Exclusively dating domestically deprives you of the knowledge of the vast spectrum of flavors and persuasions that’s in a global market.
  4. Rebounding Safeguards
    I’m recovering from a pretty hard breakup.
    You’ve probably seen somebody in the wake of a breakup making some very poor decisions about their romantic life.  Hell, you may have even done it.  I know I have.
    When you’re fresh from a loss of the heart, you’re exceptionally prone to mistakes.  It’s like being emotionally drunk.  A good way to subvert any misplaced decisions is to have a limited engagement.  Just like having a designated driver is good when you’re physically drunk, having a designated breakup is good when you’re emotionally drunk.
  5. Blank Slate
    Even in a town as big as Chicago where you could conceivably see one hundred different people for the first and last time everyday…it can still feel like your reputation precedes you.
    In that respect, it’s hard to be the person you want to be when you feel bound to the weight of the person you think you are.  When you go out with somebody and your lives are mutually alien to each other, it can be very liberating.  You don’t need to wonder if they heard any stories about who you were in high school, if they’d ever met an ex of yours who’d given them bad reviews, you don’t need to wonder if they’ve already slept with a member of your social circles…or family.
    In that, you can really try something new.  Maybe you’re not the dancing type.  Maybe you just don’t do karaoke.  Maybe you would never get drinks at that bar
    When you’re with someone who doesn’t know you, you don’t have to be you for a spell.  You get to be social in a raw, unprocessed state of self.  And you get to be with someone who’s feeling the same.

That being said, there are some items you should be ready for:

Troubleshooting Your Limited Engagement

  1. Be Satisfied
    There’s a chance you could spend every second with your summer love until they get on the plane/megabus/spaceship back home; and it still wouldn’t be enough.  The same is true of relationships with no designated conclusion.  If it feels like you’re not getting to spend enough time with them, good.  That means you’ve found something really special you want to experience as much as possible.
    While it’s good to let that drive you to do things like give them a ride home at four AM, it can be very negative to let those feelings of desire bring you down.  You will have plenty of time to be sad after it’s over.
  2. Avoid Falling
    It’s easy to rush a relationship when you’re strapped for time.  You may end up sleeping together after your first drink date.  You may also find the L word ready to launch from the tip of your tongue dramatically sooner than it has before or ever should.
  3. Manifest the Destiny
    Hopefully, everyone knows the terms of the engagement before they sign up.  You’re mixing a drama cocktail when leaving things out.  Make sure that dates know the duration, the limits, and the aftermath.  While it may feel like killing somebody’s dreams to be realistic, consider it doing them a favor.

When your successful short-term romance comes to an end, there will also be some de-briefing.  Just like the terms of the relationship need to be discussed before it begins, the terms of the non-relationship should also be discussed.  Will there be a future?  If so, under what circumstances?  Are they conceivable?  Realistic?  Worthwhile?

Potential Epilogues

  1. The Vacation Fling
    You could become each others regular vacation partner. I had a partner I met at an anime convention who lived 400 miles away and had a very strong primary relationship.  She called me her ‘vacation boyfriend’.  Once every few months, she would come visit and take in her favorite local food, local music, and the her favorite local sexual deviant.
  2. The Friend Zone
    As long as everyone was honest and open about the terms of the engagement beforehand, a transition back to platonic friendship could happen with little or no turbulence.  If, say, a relationship was only going to last until the spouse returned from service overseas, but a really excellent connection was built during this time; then the friendship could certainly be worth the loss of booty.
  3. The Pilgrimmage
    There could be a realization of desire for a more permanent move that started with the vacation.  While the summer lover could ease the move, I strongly recommend against moving in-with your vacation fling.  Moving in with a vacation fling until the transplant finds their own space (or worse yet, indefinitely) is fertile ground for growing the shit-show tree.  There are already dangers that exist when moving in with a partner who already has an established life in your hometown.  A transplant will not have the friends or family to fall back on if the cohabitation goes poorly.
  4. Going the Distance
    Sometimes, feelings are strong enough that you can stretch them across states or even oceans.  I defer to the Dan Savage opinion on long distance relationships, though.  I also believe there are too many pitfalls for even a successful long distance relationship to last more than a year or two.
  5. The Civil Conclusion
    Not intimate enough to be in the friendzone, not uninterested enough to end things completely.  Still send each others silly-ass pictures of cats on each others’ Facebook sometimes.  Sending a Valentine on February 14th wouldn’t even be totally unwelcome.  The two of you might even hook back up in the future if the appropriate circumstances align.
  6. The Ghost
    Disappear from each others’ lives.  You could never speak again and pretend like nothing happened.  This can also work.

This has just been my recent experience with it.  If anybody else has other views on short-term relationships, please post them in the comments!

What are some other good reasons to start them?  What are some bad ones?  What are some potential problems that we’ve encountered?  Have you ever had a STR (short term relationship)?  What worked about it?  What didn’t?  How did it end?

 

Long Live the Quean

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Sometimes, I tie my girlfriend up and fuck other girls in front of her.  I do this because I’m a feminist.

Stick with me on this one…

In the realm of subbing, there is the common practice of cuckoldry.  Cuckoldry  is a sexual fetish in which a male sub is stimulated by their gal having sex with another man (this other man is called the “bull”).  As a man of feminist ideals though, I don’t see this as something that only men can have.  Actually, the practice of doing this to a female bottom already exists and it’s called Cuckqueaning.  Cuckqueaning is a pretty delightful blend of non-monogamy, teasing, and humiliation play.  If both parties are keen on a cocktail with those three ingredients, you can mix like mad!

I’ve had a longstanding relationship with a wonderful woman who likes to be cucked.  If you’re still figuring out whether or not you would like to cuck (or be cucked by) your partner, hopefully these musings will rustle your nest in the right direction.

Why the Cuck?

Tons of reasons.  As a male top, there’s a lot of emotions you can invoke when you ‘force’ your partner to watch you fucking someone else:

  • Uninvited
    It’s that feeling that you get when you were in gym class and everyone else was getting picked for a team before you.  Remember those feelings of helplessness and shame?  Those come into play hard when cucking.  If you don’t remember those feelings because you were always picked first, then fuck you.
  • Spectator Sport
    Outside of the feelings of degradation, there are some great feelings of voyeurism for the sub to explore and exhibitionism for the dom and his lady-bull.  Also, a woman (ideally) finds her partner sexy enough to want to watch them performing sexually.  It’s like watching a live action porno with people you already like!
  • Fair-Weather Bisexuality
    An FMF threesome is a good way for a girl who is a 1 on the Kinsey Scale to see if she’s a 2 or 3.  Cuckqueaning is a good way for her to see if she’s even a 1.  After she sees how she feels about sharing a room with another lady during a sexual encounter, she can see about sharing more.
  • Hyper-Compersion
    A sub can feel like she is servicing her top by letting another girl please him.  Especially if she arranged or helped arrange the liaisons, there can be a sense of satisfaction from treating her dom, as well as treating the third party involved.
  • Girl Power
    As I mentioned before, the male-focused cuckoldry is distinctly more popular than cuckqueaning.  Cuckqueaning is an avenue for women to occupy a conventionally male space.

If any of this has piqued you and your partner’s interest and you would like to explore it, there are some avenues for that!

The Setup

Setting up a cuckqueanery is similar enough to arranging an FMF threesome.  Be sensitive to the differences between these two orchestrations, though:

  1. This affair borders on group-sex, kink, and polyamory.  In that respect, a potential third could be found in any of these communities.
  2. The girl you’re looking for doesn’t have to be sexually interested in girls.  As long as she’s interested in being watched by another girl, you’ll do fine.
  3. Like exploring any new fetish, discuss limits and safewords with everyone involved beforehand.  While a sub may be alright being ‘forced’ to watch a different girl riding her dom like a mechanical bull, the same sub might be very unexcited by the idea of her dom bending another girl over in front of her.  Make sure everyone has had a chance to resolve any hesitations.  And when you finally make that maiden voyage, be ready to slow down and/or stop if there are any issues during the event.

The Execution

Once all the pieces are in place, there’s a number of different ways to optimize your experience.

  1. Employ Bondage
    Strap them up to a chair so they can’t go anywhere.  Force them to watch (Eye speculum optional).  Or force them to turn away and only hear the moans and slapping noises.  If the sub is to be released, this can be done slowly.  After she puts up with the foreplay, give the sub a hand that she can use to treat herself.
  2. Talk Smack
    If the sub is into verbal abuse, this is a brilliant opportunity to talk some shit.  The guy could talk about how much tighter the new girl feels, the lady-bull can comment on how good it feels to be the one girl he’s taking.
  3. Serfs Up
    Service subs can always be put to work.  The sub can help by holding the hitachi in place, wiping the sweat off her man’s forehead, operating the camera and recording the event on video.  At the end, she can remove the condom and dispose of it.  Or she can be made to clean up the moneyshot with a paper towel…or her tongue.
  4. All that Jizz
    I’ve talked before about all the neat things couples can do with a man’s ejaculate.  You can really expand on that when you’re cuckqueaning.  Most guys only get one, so the sub is going to want that.  The sub might be acclimated to causing it and/or receiving it.  This desire can be warped and twisted into a form of subjugation.  Milk a used condom into the sub’s mouth, finish into the lady-bull’s mouth and have her spit it in the sub’s face.  If the lady-bull and dom are fluid-bonded, there can even be a creampie dessert for the sub to eat the literally sloppy seconds.
  5. Shove it in their face
    While having sex in front of a sub is a good way to ‘force’ them to watch, doms can be more aggressive in forcing this voyeurism.  A sub can be grabbed by the hair and have their face placed inches from where the penetration is happening.  The dom can fingerblast the lady-bull and then force the sub to smell it.

Ultimately, I’ve always been fond of cuckqueaning a sub from a social justice perspective.  In the realm of sexual paraphilias there are vastly more men into cuckoldry then there are women into its opposite (The ratio of subscribers in Reddit’s related communities is 25,350 : 5021).  This ties into the naughty=hot-as-fuck paradigm which is one of the truest mantras of sexuality.  I believe the reason there are more fans of cuckoldry is because cuckqueaning is simply much less taboo.

When a woman is nonmonogamous with other men, we call her a whore and she’s stoned to death in certain parts of the world.  When a man is nonmonogamous with other women; people generally just shake their heads in disapproval or it’s because he is a bigamist in certain parts of the world.  In our society, it’s almost expected that all men will have a failure of fidelity.  In that respect, it’s not nearly as inappropriate for a man to be with another woman.  Because cuckqueaning is ‘merely’ male infidelity, there’s less of a following.

I’m not even particularly ravenous to cuck my partner.  If I put the effort into arranging to be in the bedroom causing some shenanigans with two women, ideally they’ll both be directly involved.  In that, cuckqueaning is less satisfying than a threeway, but I still love it.  I love cuckqueaning primarily because I want to live in a world where it’s as inappropriate for a man to be unfaithful as it is for a woman.

Have you ever been queaned?  Wanted to be queaned?  Had some success queaning?  Leave your experiences in the comments below!

 

PS

Also, I use the term lady-bull because I didn’t find ‘cow’ quite as fitting.  I’m also open to hearing the preferred nomenclature for this…

The Trouble with Triads

I just got a question posted on my Ask.fm:

Hey, dude. I was a unicorn once in college, and while I’m pretty wary of that particular poly formation, I just started dating a married couple I know and I really, really like them. What are some of the pitfalls we should be aware of, and how can we avoid them?

There are few members of the non-monogamous community viewed with as much enmity as unicorn hunters.  Many polyamorists imagine these couples struggling to stay above water in their failing relationship by snatching up hapless bisexuals to try and use as a flotation device.  Unicorn hunters are thought to be lurking in the shadows of the polyamory community, polishing their Feeldoes and targeting every cute bisexual girl to for them to ‘complete’ their ‘family’.

While I don’t find that caricature painfully inaccurate, it certainly doesn’t describe every couple looking for a third.  If you are the elusive unicorn, there’s a chance you may find a couple that rubs you just the right way.  While definitely not common, there are a handful of couples I’ve seen who incorporate a third without falling into the negative stereotype of the unicorn hunters.

Truth be known, I have safaried a few times hunting this slippery prey.  There are a handful of roadblocks that I’ve always encountered.  Speaking with my friends who have also tried being the unicorn, we’ve collaborated on this list of potential red flags:

  1. Don’t be a Band-aid
    Sometimes, a couple’s romance fails and the only real answer is a new relationship.  Unfortunately, many couples don’t break up before they pursue this new relationship.  Commonly, they end up cheating on each other and the relationship blows up in a storm of burned bridges and Gotye songs.  Less commonly though, the couple will attempt to have a new relationship to supplement their failed one by persuing a girl together.  They end up dating a third which just delays their inevitable split.
    Even if you wanted to, you won’t fix their relationship by joining it.  So before you sign up for a triad, make sure it’s a working dyad.  Ask yourself how well the two of them get along?  Do they have healthy communication?  Regular dates?  Good chemistry?  You wouldn’t want to date a person who is inherently unhappy, so beware of dating couples who are inherently unhappy.
  2. Don’t be a Sex Toy
    Unless that’s what you want.  If so, stop reading.  Start banging.
    If not, be wary of couples who will make your place in their life primarily as a supplement to their sexual escapades.  Many couples are just looking to spice up their bedroom antics.  So even if you feel like you’re building a meaningful connection with both of them, they might view you solely as an accent to their relationship instead of an integral part of a bigger three.
    Like any relationship, it never hurts to vocalize your limits from the start.  Let them know that you want more than a part in their sex life.
  3. Don’t be their First
    Because this relationship configuration is wildly different from conventional dating, everyone might as well be a teenagers going on their first dates again.  First timers are going to make a lot of mistakes.  So be ready for some failure if it’s anybody’s first time.  Or better yet, let them make their beginner hiccups with someone else.
  4. Have Separate Relationships
    I know I’ve said “dating a couple” several times in this article, but you are still separately dating two people.  Each of them is separately dating two people too.  The unit of all three of you is incidental to the three separate relationships that already exist.  Trying to do everything in threes is complicated and unnecessary.
    In these three separate relationships that exist in your triad, you should have individual dates, individual arguments, and individual expectations.  Let these connections mature independently of each other.  Theoretically, if one of the relationships in the triad ends civilly enough, the other two should be able to carry on just fine.
  5. Clarify Polify
    Just like dolphins are technically mammals, but morally fish.  Polyfidelity is technically polyamory, but morally monogamy.  Check and see what their thinking for their future.  Unless they are Mormons, there’s only one way to know they really want polyfi- you gotta ask.
    Many unicorn hunters plan long-game exclusivity.  If you’re not interested in that, fess up early before they start planning.
  6. Clarify Everything Else too
    It doesn’t need to be cast in adamantium.  But sharing your long term goals will spare everyone a lot of heartache down the road.  Find out how long they want this triad to last; do they want it just until they move to Portland, or are they in it till death do us and you part?  Is anyone having kids?  If so, how many?  Where’s everyone living?  What do we do on holidays?  Are we out to our families?  Friends? Facebooks?
    Marriage plans?  Going to begin fighting for group marriage legalization?  In the state of Illinois, you’re technically allowed to have a civil union as long as your unmarried, but you can be married if you have a previous civil union.  So maybe arrange something with these laws?
    Discuss these early and everyone will hopefully remain flexible.  A relationship between two people changes constantly, a relationship with three is certainly bound to change as much, if not exponentially more.
  7. No Man’s Land
    My mother once gave me an entirely sexist, but still quite accurate bit of advice that I’ve kept for dealing with metamours:
    Men are more possessive.  Women are more territorial.
    That being said, 90 percent of the working triads I have ever encountered are two men, one woman.  The FMF traids that fail commonly do so when it comes time to decide the ownership of space, not emotions.  So be respectful of the existing woman’s territory, be it in the home or the schedule.
  8. Abandon Equality
    There are three separate relationships.  So just like any polyamorous engagement, don’t go comparing and don’t let yourself be compared.  You will all like each other with different and varying levels of intensity.  Be careful of one of them trying to force equal intimacy by pushing for you to be closer with their partner.  This is especially dangerous for unicorns.
    Because unicorns are in such high demand, couples might compromise a lot just to make it work.  If a couple finds one to start a relationship, even if the new girl isn’t a really good match for both people, they’ll ignore that to achieve an ideal.

That last warning is where I get drawn back to my severe hesitations about triads.  Like I said before, I’ve had triads in the past that have lasted well over a year.  They can work and be a lot of fun.  You really have to look at things realistically, though.

It’s real tough to find one person with whom you can spend the rest of your life.  If you can find two, you’ve struck gold.  Finding two partners who you love who also love each other is astronomically improbable.  But just because the odds aren’t in your favor, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try.

Also, get a big bed.  Queen at least.

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