Womanizing Your Apartment

I really try to make sure a girl doesn’t regret going home with me.  Making my apartment a little less regrettable is square one in that effort.  Sure, keeping my dirty laundry in a hamper, my filthy dishes in the sink, and my bedsheets absent of mysterious stains is generally enough to keep those regrets at bay; there’s so much more to having a functioning home that will keep the ladies coming back for more of my company.

Like most live-alone bachelors, I don’t have a lot of essentials that a woman would find at one of her girl’s places.  So before all women figure out the benefits of lesbian relationships, let’s take this room-by-room and I’ll tell you some of the most successful additions I’ve made to my apartment to give the fairer sex a reason to visit again.

The Bathroom

If it’s the end of the date, your gal might ask to use your washroom before she goes home.  If you’re bathroom looks amenable to her, she might consider it better to crash at your place than trek home.  Here are some additions I’ve made to keep those considerations considerable:

  1. Femenine Products
    Plenty of girls keep extras of their preferred products in their purse.  If there’s no backup, though, they might be less likely to stay the night away from their rations back home.  While keeping a spare reusable femenine product is certainly environmentally friendly, I doubt every girl you bring home wants to share the same Diva Cup.  I recommend keeping both disposable pads and tampons visible in your bathroom.  For the tampons, Pearl (with an applicator) generally works for everyone in a pinch and is available at most stores.  If you wanna go the extra mile on her cycle, keep some Motrin visible next to the boxes.
  2. Wet Naps
    When a gal says she’s going to “freshen up”, she’s hoping a guy has some of these.  She might use these to wipe the excitement out of her crevasses before taking things to the bedroom and it couldn’t hurt for you to do the same.  Sometimes, they’ll need to freshen up after sex too(esp. if there’s some menstruation and/or backdooring).  And if they don’t have time to go home before work the next day, they can use these to give themselves a field-shower (also known by the less sensitive term “Whore Bath“, guess why).  Unscented Wet Ones (or some legit makeup removal wipes if you wanna score extra points) are also great to have for getting her makeup off before bed so that she doesn’t leave a Pollock painting on the pillow.
  3. A Lined Trash Can with a Lid
    If they are using your wet naps and spare tampons, you better believe your trash can is getting filled with some second-hand womanhood.  A plastic bag will stop things from sticking to the bottom.  A can with a lid will spare your gal the ordeal of having to bury her used products under piles of tissue and toilet paper rolls only to be unearthed the morning after when your dog sniffs into your trash bin and tears the refuse out into a million twisted, brown-red shreds in your kitchen.  And many girls find their used products unsightly, so it’s best to have a lid cover that.
  4. UTI Care
    Of the many benefits there are to being a guy, one is the lack of urinary tract infections.  Most guys go their whole lives without getting one.  On the other hand, 50-60% of women have experienced these painful episodes.  The extra kicker is that UTIs are most commonly caused by having sex.  Given that we’re almost certainly implicit in the infection, so to does the responsibility of treatment fall on the guy’s shoulders.  Invest in some cranberry pills and some AZO (or the store brand urinary pain relief pills) for your lady to limit the physical pain she has reminding her of fucking you.
  5. Hair Care
    As a short-haired guy; I have no need for a hairbrush, curling iron, blow dryer, or bobby pins; but I still have them.  While I used to spike my hair pretty fierce, I haven’t needed any Aqua Net in a long time, but still have it.  I’m sure some girls might wonder why I keep all these things in my bathroom.  But for every one girl that’s wondering, there are 10 girls thanking me for saving their aesthetic for the day.
  6. Miscellaneous Spare Toiletries
    Just like a hotel gives away, keep some items on hand you’re okay throwing away after use.  Here’s what I keep: contact lens cases & solution, toothbrushes, razors, chapstick, safety pins (for bra malfunctions), nail polish (for stocking malfunctions).

The Bedroom

Where the magic happens.  Generally, if they’ve agreed to join me here, I feel like the hard work is already done.  But I could still get hung up on something trivial that will disrupt the romantic flow.  To keep your love machine well oiled, consider making some of the following investments:

  1. Hair Ties
    Most guys don’t understand this struggle.  I’ve sucked plenty of cock and I didn’t understand until I tried doing it while wearing a trashy wig.  It’s hard to slob knob like a lady when your constantly pulling hair out of your mouth.  Certainly a gentleman could hold the hair up for you.  But holding a bun in place tethers your cocksucker, inhibiting their ability to perform fellatio with complete freedom.  Next time you’re at the general store, get a pack of 100, keep them in your bedroom next to the bed so you don’t even need to get up to enhance your BJ!
  2. Spare Chargers
    It’s real easy to have a walk of shame when your phone is dead and you need to get home with nothing to do but think about what happened last night and how visible it is on your person.  But if your phone is full of juice, that walk of shame becomes a triumphant posting of selfies about having the “Best night ever!  Still recovering! #YOLO”
    Have a spare MiniUSB charger for any of your android-using partners, and try to have one of the many different iPhone chargers if for whatever reason you want to cater to the Mac crowd.
  3. Non-Latex Condoms
    Missing some accouterments or other may slow down or choke up the flow of love making.  But if you’re partner has a latex allergy, missing safe sex alternatives will bring your night to a screeching, blue-balled halt.  Invest in a a pack of Polyisoprene, polyeurethane, or lambskin condoms just in case.
  4. Lube
    I know Ronda Rousey said “If you need lube, then you’re being lazy”.  But if she was so smart, then Holm wouldn’t have knocked her the fuck out.  While good foreplay is the cheapest lube, there are plenty of reasons to lube up other than “being lazy”!  Some girls aren’t as naturally wet as others.  And I don’t care how much foreplay you do, you always grease up if you’re going to be backdooring someone.  Keep the lube within arms reach.  And if all possible, get a pump action bottle so that you don’t have to fumble getting the lid open/close.  Buy as much as you might end up using in a year.  Though there’s never an expiration date on lube, experts reccomend about a year before disposal, depending on what kind of lube…
  5. A Towel
    After you grease up your pecker and you’re ready to fuck on all cylinders, you don’t want that slippery and sticky hand to go staining your sheets and ruining your partners hair.  Rub it off on a nearby towel!
    You’re girl on the rag?  Don’t let her cycle turn your bed into a scene from Dexter.  Lay a towel down!
    Just shoot the biggest load of all time onto your partner’s tits/ass/face/feet/cat?  Be a gentleman and reach for a nearby towel to clean up your mess.
    There’s a reason that the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy considers this to be “the most massively useful thing“.  Keep a CLEAN towel near the bed for emergencies!
  6. Hitachi Magic Wand
    Considered by many to be the excalibur of sex toys.  That is in no way an overstatement.  I’ve had girls who were prepared to be dissapointed by all the hype be pleasantly surprised before they wiped the drool from their mouths and started eating that crow.

The Kitchen

My mornings are built in my kitchen.  I build my date’s morning in the kitchen too.  These are my construction tools:

  1. Disposable Coffee Cups
    Being a gentleman and fixing coffee/tea for your gal pal first thing in the morning is a great way to make her feel welcome and appreciated.  If you fix her a cup for the road in a disposable cup with a lid, she’ll be feeling them feels even after she leaves.
  2. Easy Breakfasts
    If you’re sending your gal out with a to-go coffee, you might as well send her with a nutri-grain/cliff-bar/pop-tart/other handheld snack.  These are also great if you need to leave before she does.  On your way out, give her a kiss and tell her to help herself!
  3. Chocolate
    I’m tempted to put this under “feminine products”, but I keep this menstrual aid in the kitchen.
  4. Cold Water Bottle
    It doesn’t have to be name-brand bottled water, but a filled nalgene in the fridge is exactly what you’re both going to want after you’re done with a heart-pumping, high-energy fuckspree.

That’s all I can think of with big thanks to the women in my life for adding some of their insights.  Gals, is there anything you wish guys would have at their places?  If so, post them in the comments for all the aspiring bachelors to put on their grocery list!

Growing Fetishes

“the bleak light of full adulthood, which is to one’s early twenties as Sunday morning is to Saturday night”
-Neal Stephenson, Snow Crash

There’s plenty I’ve found myself more interested in as I’ve grown older:  Lingerie, pegging, The Dave Matthews Band.  Similarly, the partners I’ve had for many years have also developed as we’ve grown together.  They too adopt new fetishes and quirks, though nothing as weird as The Dave Matthews Band.  That’s pretty much just me.

While these quirks certainly vary strongly between the partners I’ve had, there is one fetish of which I’ve found more and more of the female partners I’ve had have been particularly fond: the creampie fantasy.

It might be as simple as the pleasure of forbidden fruits.  Maybe it’s a reclamation of the historical use of impregnation as a tool of female oppression.  Or maybe we’re all just getting a little older and parenthood is becoming something that scares us in a good way.  Whatever the reason, just like Game of Thrones or Fifth Harmony, pretending to knock a girl up is what’s hot right now.

Note, I said “pretending”.  Safe sex no more mutually exclusive with an impregnation fantasy than consent is with a rape roleplay.  I’ve done the impregnation roleplay while wearing condoms, with partners using an IUD, I’ve even had an impregnation roleplay with a transwoman.  I discuss the matter beforehand, establish whatever parameters please both parties, and we forge ahead with an everpresent consideration of each other and have never had an issue.

It’s a high risk roleplay, though.  You’re playing with the concept of maternity.  Which is a Freudian slippery slope.  If we were using the rating system I employed in my article about roleplays, I would rank this one as an R-Rated roleplay.  At least.  I think that’s why it’s been received so well.  It’s just so impossibly naughty…

Like many of my partners, I grew up with a stock of middle and upper-middle class white youths.  For many of us in the progressive generation, we weren’t raised to be afraid of sex.  We were raised to be afraid of babies.  The parents of our generation made sure we knew their regrets about having us.

Of course, our parents are one generation deeper into the widespread use of pregnancy to subjugate and indenture women.  With the expanding recognition of these acts, there too is coming the expanding fetishization of them.  Just like 1950s household or Burlesque, our newfound understanding of the sordid history makes it wet with unacceptability.  It’s no coincidence that all of the partners who have enthusiastically taken to this fetish are also Steinem-reading, patriarchy-fighting, self-identified feminists.

In addition to feminism, the other trend that’s popular with my partners is aging.  We’re not old yet, but we’re getting to the age where we’re expected to continue propagating the species.  And in this bleak light of full adulthood, there is something satisfying about the feeling of giving in to the societal pressure.  I won’t deny that it’s a little liberating when immerse myself in the toxic masculinity that is dripping from the affectations of me being “dominant” in the bedroom.

I am become patriarchy, destroyer of wombs.

Don’t get your Dworkins in a twist, though.  Just like condoms, feminism too is not mutually exclusive with this roleplay.  I can only imagine the struggles of the average woman who identifies as feminist and submissive, so I don’t want to miss an opportunity to remind them that you can be both.  And the feminist/submissive dichotomy is no less false than the conventional one drawn between virgin/whore.

Be both.  Say the nasty shit.

Get the nasty shit said to you.

It’s more prevalent than you might imagine.  Reddit has 11 forums dedicated to the subject, two of which are personals, totalling 140,242 subscribed readers.  And that’s just in the public forums, of which the three most popular (are NSFW and) are:

  • r/breeding – 26,514 Readers
    This forum is sort of a catch-all for any media/literature of or relating to the subject.
  • r/cuckoldpregnancy – 7,714 Readers
    Which is directed to the act of humiliating submissives with having their partners sharing a child with a third, outside party.  While there certainly are a few posts dedicated to cuckqueaning and also whitebreeding a female person of color.  The most common post is for “blackbreeding” a white woman with an extramarital black male (or “bull” to use the technical language).
  • r/inbreeding – 4,616 Readers
    This subreddit goes with the tagline “When just fucking your family isn’t enough”.  What a pointed commentary!  If you’re already having one of the most taboo fetishes on the market, why not go the extra weird mile?
    In for a penny, in for a pound…

Reddit is a fine platform for getting your hands on literature and some images on the subject.  While they do have videos, the champion of getting internet porn videos for free is the searching feature behind porn torrenting websites.  These have been meticulously and methodically designed to satisfy perverts with very specific proclivities.  I groomed all the tags relevant to the topic and found a total of 362 videos!  Of the top tags concerning these fetishes, here’s a list with the number of tagged videos:

 

Tag(s) Videos Available
“Impregnation” 247
“Impregnation Fantasy” 115
“Breeding” 70
“Blackbred” 11
“Black.Bred” 7
“Black.Breeding” 5
“Bred.By.Black” “Insemination” 4
“Wifebreeding”, “Wifebreeder”, “Inseminated”, “Impreg” 3
“Wife.Breeders”, “Breed”, “Blackbred.com”, “Forced.Impregnation” 2
“Implied.Impregnation”, “Blrackbred”, “Breedingwhore”, “Interracial.Breeding”, “Reluctant.Breeding”, “Reluctant.Impregnation”, “Forced.Breeding”, “Bred.By.Blacks” 1

Note: plenty of the videos in this stock fall into several, if not most, of these categories.

In total, we’re looking at 362 separate videos that are all directed towards an impregnation fetish.  To put that in perspective, it’s not as common as videos tagged with fetishes like “Emo” (429 videos) or “Anal.Beads” (465 videos).  It’s almost as popular as spectacles like “ass.to.ass” (364 videos); marginally more popular than fetishes like “Medical” (358 videos) or  “wrestling” (360 videos).  And it’s distinctly more common than videos tagged with fetishes like “Tickling” (255 videos) or “Nipple.Torture” (253 videos).

Of the representative videos tagged in the impregnation fetish, the most downloaded are:
5.  Veruca James – Virtual Sex Creampie (142 Seeds)
4.  Alex Chance – Brothers and Sisters (154 Seeds)
3.  Taylor Mitchell – Real Amateur Hotwife & Interracial Cuckold  (175 Seeds)
2.  Princess Leia – Party Girl Had Daddy Impregnate Her (207 Seeds)
1.  Lady Fyre – Mom Made Me Impregnate Aunt Mallory (441 Seeds)

Clearly, inbreeding is the most commonly shared video on the subject.  But interracial cuckoldry is in a very powerful third place.  Just barely in the top 5 would be the fine performance of Veruca James, which is a story of a deceptive girl who lures her boyfriend into using sabotaged condoms so that she gets pregnant because she is excited about the idea of having his abortion.

I’ll bet you thought the one that wasn’t about incest or cuckoldry was gonna be a little more normal, didn’t you?

False.

Given the usually direct correlation between how sexy something is and how unacceptable it is, don’ t be afraid to let your freak flag fly.  Sure, I’ve proposed this roleplay to a few girls who were not interested.  But accepting a refusal is easy enough to do, that it’s worth at least offering if you’re interested.

As for the execution of the roleplay, here’s a list of winning strategies I’ve found for the engagement:

  1. Suspend the Disbelief
    Don’t let them see you put the condom on.  Sure, they’ll know you’re wearing one.  But there’s something exciting about not knowing that your partner is wearing one.  Like good practical special effects at the movies.  I know it’s only a model, but I forget when I’m not reminded.
  2. Talk Some Shit
    Even if you were legitimately having unprotected sex for the explicit purpose of procreation, you wouldn’t know if you were successful for at least a week.  So the only way to make it real (or ‘real’ in the case of a roleplay) is for the verbal exchange to happen.  Use some graphic language with phrases like “knock me up” or “make me a mom”.  You can even get extra gritty with nigh-agricultural phrases like “you’re my fertile, little breed mare”.
  3. Find out What You Like About It
    This should be the first step before exploring any kink really.  Do you like the idea of having something of your partner’s put into you?  Do you like the idea of owning your partner from the inside?  There are a lot of different places you could take this kink and finding out what direction will really help guide you to a place you really dig.

Have you ever tried an impregnation roleplay?  What was the scenario?  Got any winning lines you like to say/hear?  Any good videos you’d recommend for people who’re interested?

What’s in a Number?

I find numbers very sexy.  This has led me to two behaviors with OkCupid.  One -fairly innocuous- idea is that I find people with a higher match percentage more attractive.  The other -kinda peculiar- urge I have is to keep a record of my match percentages with people I meet from the website.

Yeah, it’s weird, but I started doing it when I was unemployed and needed something to fill my days.

This is why we need to build a better economy, it’ll prevent guys like me from having the time to build spreadsheets about weird shit.  If you think I’m bad, you should read some of the studies they do at OkTrends

Anyway…over time, I’ve collected a sample size of 35 percentages.  These are the match percentages of people I’ve met on OkC and with whom I’ve had relations.  I tried to be good about recording these.  Given that 35 is a nearly complete fair size to draw conclusions about my preferences with online dating, here’s what I’ve found with OkCupid dates:

  1. Average Percentage Match: 89%
  2. Median Match: 93%
  3. Highest Match: 99%
  4. Lowest Match: 63%

What can I draw from this data?  Firstly, I can see that a low percentage match will not automatically disqualify a connection.  63% is low.  Like…catfish profile low.  But even then, there’s hope.  So if you ever see someone that seems like your type, but may not have the numbers to push you all the way to send that message, maybe send it anyway!

Outside of that, it tells me that I generally end up in the bedroom with people in or around the 90% match range.

Makes sense.  When I’m browsing profiles and see a high percent match; it’s just as sexy as seeing a photo of them at the beach, a number of different languages spoken, or listing Digimon as one of their favorite shows.  But this provokes a whole different series of questions about whether or not we would have slept together if we didn’t have such a high match.

Did we sleep together because we were a good match or did we sleep together because we had a high match?

OkCupid programmers actually lied to their users one time in an effort to test the persuasive ability of the algorithm.  It’s a very interesting study in consumption of statistics and also involuntary experimentation if you want to read that here.  The final numbers on their study were as such:

OkCupid-experiment

The end results of this experiment did confirm my suspicions, but not by that much.  Was I being swayed by a big, strong, match percent? Maybe…Marginally, at most.

While that study yielded results based on comparing their real algorithm to a fake algorithm, I wanted a more comprehensive comparative sample.  I collected the data from people that I have found on OkCupid after we’d already met somewhere else.

Maybe we met at a party, on tinder, or in line at the Planned Parenthood and had a liaisons before they showed up in my Quickmatch later on and I scribbled down our numbers.  Obviously this sample size is smaller (20 entries), but as a tool for comparison, that’s a substantial value.  This is a real test of the OkCupid algorithm:

How do OkCupid matches compare to real life matches?

If we met on OkCupid…

If we met outside Okcupid…

Average Match

89%

88%

Median Match

93%

94%

High Match %

99%

99%

Low Match %

63%

37%

 

These numbers barely have a deviation.  It’s almost a little disturbing…

To be extra sciency, I had my most skillful statistician buddy run the two sets of data through a T-Test Calculator which yielded a p-value of .844416.  After I had him explain to me what that meant, I learned that OkCupid matches are the same percent as my existing romantic life 84% of the time.

84 whole percents? That’s nothing to scoff at.  OkCupid gets a B- at my dating life!  Or as my aforementioned stat-nerd-bro puts it, “It means their algorithm really is quite good”.

While the OkCupid study was able to illustrate how fake their numbers can be, I think my data indicates just how real things can be.  While this study is based on a limited sample size (35 Okc dates Vs. 20 IRL dates), I believe this to be a representative sample of my dating life as a whole.

The one outlier comes from the significantly lower lowest I found in my non-OkC dates.  At nearly half the percentage match of my lowest OkC, my lowest matches from real life might have come from a time when I didn’t have a computer program to tell me it was a bad idea.

Higher match percentage may not always make an online date more attractive, but a very low match percentage is apparently a bigger deal for electronic affections.

The study needs more data.  If you’d like to help, feel free to come over and sleep with me, then we can share match percentages and I could add them to my spreadsheet.  All my grant requests have been denied for me to conduct this study, however.  If you would like to take part, you’ll have to test pro-bono

Anyway…Do you keep track of your percentages?  How do you think your results vary?  Have you found the OkC algorithm to be a fair decider for a good match?  Post in the comments!

The Wake

When my family lost someone, we would have to prepare the house for mourning.  We would cook a condolence meal, light candles, and cover every mirror in the house.  Though there are some esoteric reasons, covering the mirrors and keeping the place dark is a good way to limit the bereaved from being confronted with the reality of their loss. Outside of the practicality of it, there’s a solace in the ritual of preparing the home.

I prepare my home after I’ve lost a relationship too.

There’s a solace in the ritual.

I start with the stuff.  As the great millennial parody boy bad, 2Gether, taught us; the hardest part of breaking up is getting back your stuff.  While scouring my apartment to stuff a box with their toothbrush, books, and extra butt plugs can be emotionally draining; it’s beneficial on a number of levels.  Firstly, it’s just plain good karma to return someone’s property.  On the other end, it’s hard to move on when your place is littered with memories.

After I’m done packing the severance package I move on to the the items that I can’t give back, but can’t have around either.  Old presents, pictures of us, any item whose existence facilitates their memory gets reconsidered.

Some items I throw away and it is very liberating.  I had a partner once who learned to knit and made me a scarf one year.  But she didn’t know a lot about yarn, so she made it out of mohair (read: the itchiest fucking yarn on the market).  And I spent a the rest of our relationship getting strangled by that uncomfortable rag because it was a gift from the woman I love.  After we called it quits, I pitched that shit on a bonfire like I was casting off shackles.

While it might be beneficial to throw away many of these items, some may have become an integral part of your life.  If they bought you that copy of Halo that you and your friends are always playing, you can let the memories that you have (and will) make with these items eclipse the previous emotion.

There are some items that fall between these two categories, though.  Not useless enough to discard, not useful enough to be worth overcoming the feelings of loss; I’ll mull over these items the hardest.  The Rolling Stones record he got me that we used to play and snog like teenagers until the needle scuffed the end of the record but we were too busy slobbering each other to go flip the vinyl; what do I do with that?  The aneros prostate stimulator that I only ever let her use on me?  The DVD box sets of Seinfeld that we used to stay up late watching?

Stuff like this, I pack away.  Like a time capsule.  I put them in the crawlspace and I wait until I start thinking about them and wanting them enough to pull them out.

I know I’ll be ready to think about them again, just not yet.

And there’s a solace in the ritual.

On Receiving Rejection

In the dating game, I wish people could be put in the penalty box for unsportsmanlike conduct.  One of the most common and heinous acts of unsportsmanlike conduct I’ve seen is the inability to take a refusal with a little grace.  Maybe I just get rejected so much that I think it’s a necessity.  But unless you’re deluded enough to think you’re always going to be “winning“, there will be times when you’re not winning.

I use the phrase “not winning” instead of “losing” for a number of reasons.  Firstly, everyone in the dating game is a winner as long as you’re being respectful and polite.  I also dislike the idea of rejection as losing because it implies that the goals of being courtly are solely romantic conquest.  It also implies that if you’re a “loser”, you have nothing left the lose.

Plenty of hopefuls have felt slighted by a “no” and have done some silly-ass shit in response.  I did when I was young and rambuncious and couldn’t comprehend the idea that someone wouldn’t be interested in a lothario like myself.  So I made a total ass of myself and tried to make them feel as bad for rejecting me as I felt for being rejected.  It wasn’t thoughtful.  It wasn’t constructive.  And it ruined any chance I might have had.

Plenty of people don’t understand that a “no” might very well become a “yes” if you’re patient and respectful.  That being said, I’ve come a long way from my r/seduction-reading, fireball-guzzling youth.  Sure, it would be nifty if being understanding of a rejection awakened someone’s need to be with an empathetic partner and they change their mind immediately after hearing a graceful acceptance of refusal.  Primarily though, doing this enriches a shame free dating culture.  Which is a dramatically more noble calling then constantly cruising for ass.

Respond well and you could be accepted later.

Respond well and you might make a new friend.

Most importantly though, respond well to help foster a culture where people aren’t afraid to say “no”.

So many people are practically incapable of saying “no”.  This is partly because a huge population  (esp. women) is groomed from a tender age to not say it.  This is also because the few who have mustered a refusal are very often met with backlash in the form of dismissal, insults, even threats.  Because of this, and the proliferation of literature about “winning”, I thought it would be valuable to offer my experience with keeping a sense of style when you’re not winning.  I have a lot of experience…

Handling your rejection can be done with contextual candor, depending on the circumstances:

  1. On Teh Internets
    I message so many people, I inevitably receive replies explaining that I am too old/young/male/short/Irish.  If they put the effort into writing me a refusal, I’m obligated as a gentleman to write an understanding acceptance of it.  By far, the most common refusal I get is when I ask people if polyamory is a dealbreaker:
    BPResponse
    Firstly, I gotta assure them that there’s nothing wrong with having preferences that don’t fit me.  Just like there are plenty of people I don’t want to date, I want to acknowledge my respect of their right to not want to date me.  Next, I make sure to thank them for taking the time to write a reply.  They could have not read my messages, or pretended not to have read it, or read it and wrote a disgruntled reply full of pointed comments about my bushy eyebrows.  But they didn’t.  They spent time providing me a conclusive communique.  I better recognize.  Finally, I put the ball in their court.  In any courtship, it falls on the suitor to initiate contact.  My last move is to offer that responsibility to them.
    While it may not have a great turnover rate (28.7%).  It does have a better turnover rate than offering a shitty response to their refusal (0%).  If someone offers a response, even a rejection, they have opened a communication that is civil.  You could walk away with a new friend at the very least.
  2. IRL
    You might meet someone at the party, or on the train, or at the anime fitness convention and feel a spark.  You might finally try to manifest those feelings you’ve been sitting on to ask out someone close to you in an effort to break out of the friend-zone.  Or you might just ask someone out who’s not as into you as you are into them and your date proposal is met unreciprocatedly.  The best course of action to just move along like it never happened.
    Will it make things awkward between the two of you?  Not really.
    The only difference between two peoples’ interactions after a date request is unrequited is that a future romantic engagement is significantly less likely.  If your friendship or civility with someone hinges so heavily on a potential date, you may not actually be that good of a friend.  If the answer is “no”, FIDO.
  3. Unfinished Symphony
    Just because somebody said “yes” to a date, doesn’t mean you have standing consent for the rest of the encounter.  With regular and consistent communication, you may very well find out that your date may not be interested in taking a step you’re gearing towards.  If they agreed to hold your hand, they may not want to kiss.  If they agreed to give you a kiss, they may not wanna bang.  If they agreed to go to bed with you, they may not have the kind of sex you want to have.
    When you’re taking intimacy somewhere new, your partner might say something like “I think we’re moving too fast”, or “I don’t know if I want to do that”, or “Let’s get back to the table before our waiter thinks we left”.
    All these things mean “no”, which also means no.  So ease back and keep your hands to yourself for a spell.  This might mean keep them to yourself for the rest of the night, this might mean keeping them to yourself until your partner is ready to get back to pound-town.  Ultimately, it means they’re calling the shots for a minute.  Don’t feel tempted to test how far they’re willing to go by letting your hands wander until they’re met with another refusal.  Don’t feel tempted to try and barter some hanky panky with offers like “Could you gimme a BJ instead?” or “Just the tip?.  You’ve established that you want to go farther than they do.  So let them decide how far y’all are going because they know you’re game.  Say something to the effect of “What would you be comfortable doing instead?”  If they are too frazzled to make a decision about where intimacy is going, you’re probably done for the night.
    It’s a bummer, but it happens.
    If anything, just ask them if you can hold them and then try and conk out for the night.  If you have a stone-hard-life-threatening boner that you really have to do something about, just go crank one out in the bathroom.  I encourage people to say nothing about giving yourself a quick treat in private.  If you ask/tell your partner about what you’re going to do, that’s kind of pressuring them to ‘satisfy’ you.  At the same time, trying to sleep with blue balls is sometimes like trying to sleep with your socks on.  I can’t do it.  So if you’ve been building up all night but release got denied, in the most discreet way possible, hit up the john for the old crap’n’fap.
  4. Hitting Hard Limits
    Similar to the unfinished symphony, if you’re asking an existing partner for something new, they may not be as interested as you are.  Make sure you discuss taking these steps together while your clothes are still on to give your partner time to come to an informed decision about what route to take with this knew desire they know about you.  This could be an opportunity to explore something new together, or this could be a wedge that gets driven into the relationship.  The most common limit that people hit refusal for is anal.  Because it’s placed on this pedestal as a sexual holy grail, and because it’s real tough to do; lots of relationships hit this bump.  But it’s true of virtually any snag of intimacy due to hesitations, not just buttsex.  This could happen if you’re asking your partner for a sexy roleplay, or if you’re asking your partner for a threeway, or to draw stairs on an etch-a-sketch while pegging him.  If the answer is no, you’ve got some options:

    1. FIDO
      Continue the relationship without getting this thing you want.  Ever.
      San Savage calls this the “Price of Admission“.  Ask yourself if this person means enough to you that you are willing to carry on without getting this particular intimacy that you desire.  Hopefully, they’re worth it.  Your desire may fade, or it may fester and mold out into stewing enmity between you and your partner.
    2. Pass the Pace
      Accept the no.  If you respect it, it could very well become a yes later on.  A tentative yes could become their favorite activity with you, or it might become a special treat they give you on birthday and Hanukkah.  But the only way it’ll become anything is if you’re respectful and don’t push too hard.  Take it at their pace, or just slow as a glacial pace; whichever is slower.
    3. Non-Monogamy
      Outsource your desires.  If your partner doesn’t want to get pegged, but you absolutely have to; if the two of you are comfortable with it, branch out.  Hit up Craigslist or AdultFriendFinder for something casual.  Adopt a lifestyle of polyamory if you’re considering something more invested.
    4. Cut Bait
      If you’re not willing to pay the price of admission, but want to remain monogamous, I strongly encourage ending the relationship.  As I mentioned before, desire may become frustration which may become enmity.  By the time you hit enmity, you might be so deeply entwined that you just resolve yourself to being permanently romantically affixed to someone who cannot satisfy you.

If there was a penalty box for the dating world, it would be filled with people who didn’t realize they were doing anything wrong.  We’re still getting used to this whole asking thing, so of course there’s going to be some hiccups in the realm of getting a refusal.  But consent culture won’t be built over night.

Have you ever refused someone and gotten a good response accepting your refusal?  If so, what was it?
How do you handle refusals?  If you never get them, what’s your secret?  Please post in the comments below!  If you refuse to post in the comments, I respect that decision.

Erotolalia

I remember the first time a partner asked me to talk dirty.  I didn’t know what the hell to say.  Here I was, the proud author of a whole moleskine of angsty teen poetry, and I couldn’t even muster the words to tell someone how bad I wanted to fuck them.  How embarrassing.

When I finally scrounged up the courage, I regurgitated a few standard lines I’d heard in porno about how I thought she was soooo hoooot.  I told her that she made me hooooorny.  I told her I liked how she made me haaaaard.  Then, I don’t know why, but I said some silly-ass shit that I don’t even want to look at while I’m writing this, so you can highlight it to read what I said to the sweet older woman who took in a young man and broke his chatter-cherry:
|“Tell me you like my hard cock.  Yeah, tell me it’s as hard as a…uh…as hard as a…carrot.”|

This kind of newbie fumbling is surprisingly common from what I’ve heard.  So unfortunately, in the rare occasion that somebody finds the chutzpah to try it, they often get too embarrassed to give it a second go.  Just like surfing or buttsex, some people have such a bad experience on their first try that they never get to know the real joys of exploring it once you’ve had some practice.

Getting practiced can seem very daunting.  But it’s not as scary as it may seem.  50 Shades of Grey was on the best seller list for 50 weeks straight.  And it’s not like E.L. James had an accomplished career as a writer or a supernatural command of language that kept it there.  Hell, people even tell me that I make a decent showing with indecent verbiage.  If you’re not sure what kind of language gets people’s jimmies rustled, check out literotica’s top voted stories.  Not to downplay it, I’ve been batin’ to Literotica since I used to visit on Netscape Navigator.  But when you read through these stories, it’s plain to see that you don’t need to be master of eroticism to say something that turns people on.

How Do I Start?

If you want to test your chops against an anonymous recipient, consider an anonymous chat client like omegle or chatroulette.  Many people freeze up and stay silent when they see another person and can’t practice.  If you’re communication is text-based, it gives you some drafting time to start building your sexy language abilities.  Because it’s an anonymous client, you also get the chance to embody a different persona for the conversation.  Consider playing a different gender/age/race/orientation.  Trying on the shoes of another persuasion also gives you a more complete understanding of human sexuality.  After you’re more comfortable, consider talking in-person with a partner!

Dirty talking is one of the safest kinks to explore with a partner.  It’s not like pegging or hook suspension where you can go too far too fast too easily.  But just because you won’t need a speculum to fix a mistake, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t talk about it beforehand.  Are they ready to hear you say something nasty?  Are they ready to return communique?  You can even make this chat part of the dirty talking!

Go over with your partner about things they like and don’t like for bedroom verbiage.  Is there something special they like calling you?  Master?  Boy?  Daddy?  Is there something special they like being called?  Mistress?  Slut?  Xena, Warrior Princess?

Clarification is good to prevent hiccups.  What is totally unacceptable to say outside the bedroom might be just what your partner wants to hear.  But it’s dangerous to assume that one inappropriate word is acceptable just because they accept another.

I had a partner once who loved getting bent over and called names.  I called them a filthy slut, a dirty whore. But when I experimented and used the B-word, the sex immediately halted and she turned back and shot me with a fearsome BKB (Read: Boner Killing Bitchface), and informed me that particular nomenclature would not be acceptable.

I hope she’s not reading this…

Ask them if they have any trigger words, good or bad.  What language do they like for anatomy?  They may be alright calling it a cunt, snatch or hole; but the word “pussy” might be unacceptable.  Let your partner know that you’re alright calling it a cock, dick, or shaft…but you’ve always liked when people call it MEGATRON.   What language do you both want for the act itself?  Bangin’?  Making love?  Riding the train to pound town?

After you’ve got a bead on what their ears are ready to receive, get an idea of what kind of communication they’re willing to deliver; or if they even want to deliver.  Like cunnilingus or cash tips; some people like dirty talking, but only when they’re on the receiving end.  One-sided dirty talking is fine, though.  Just like cunnilingus or cash tips, plenty of people find giving very gratifying on its own.

When Do I Start?

Dirty talking can come very naturally once you know how to start.  For me, sparking the fires starts in a number of different ways that are heavily context-sensitive.  If it’s first thing in the morning, I will wake my partner slowly by mentioning what I might have been dreaming about doing to them.  If we’re out together in public, I might whisper in their ear about some nearby corner where I would like to steal away and what debauchery might ensue.  If we’re just getting ready for bed, I would really like to tell them what I’ve been thinking about doing all day.

Ask your partners what they think about when they’re touching themselves.  Tell them what you think about when you do it.  It’s alright to give a little flattery fiction in this part of the foreplay.  If you’ve crafted a fantasy about them in your mind, tell them about it!  It may not be exactly what you’re thinking about when you’re batin’, but it’s still nice to hear your fantasies!  Even if you can only get off to the weird stuff, partners are glad to know you’ve considered them when treating yourself.

When you’re dirty talking though, make sure you are speaking clear and loud enough that your partner can hear.  It can be painfully awkward if you to ask to repeat.  And it can be painfully awkwarder to have to repeat.

Though it’s a fine vehicle for foreplay, dirty talking is more than just an opening ceremony.  It can even enhance the experience when you don’t say anything until you’re fucking so hard that the wallpaper starts peeling.

What Do I Say?

After you’ve established what does and does not rustle your partner’s jimmies, there is a broad palette to paint your soliloquy; so broad, it might be intimidating.  I prefer to narrow my focus to a specific theme to develop as the dirty talking blossoms.  Here are some winning strategies I’ve discovered and some examples I’ve delivered/experienced:

  1. Explain the Current Situation
    Simple and effective.  This is the bread and butter of dirty talking.  If you’re not sure how to start or how to sustain, you can always defer to this strategy.  Explain what is happening in as much graphic detail as you are capable.  Ava Devine, the “Lady in the Lake of Porn”, has practically built an entire career around this kind of dirty talking.
    EXAMPLES:
    “You’re fucking me so hard you’re making my titties bounce”
    “You’re taking every inch of my hard dick”
    “Your balls are slapping against me while you fuck my ass”
  2. Wish List
    One of the best ways to get what you want is to ask for what you want.  Maybe you’re begging for something.  Maybe you’re demanding something.  Or maybe you’re just explaining with colorful detail the exact circumstances of how you like to be pleased.  Communicating about your desires in the bedroom is an integral part of good sex.  Dirty talking can be a really fun vehicle for those conversations!
    EXAMPLES:
    “Please bend me over and fill up my hole”
    “Stick your pinky out when you do it and suck my dick like a lady”
    “Eat up my pussy like an ice cream cone”
  3. Assume your Role
    If you and your partner have a BDSM dynamic to your relationship, or you’re just doing a sexy roleplay; falling back on your characters will keep the conversation flowing.  You can bark orders if you are dominating.  You can declare your loyalty if you’re displaying submission.  You can just refer to your partner as the character they are playing in your roleplay.  This is a good way to anchor people in the fantasy.
    EXAMPLES:
    “Good kitty.  Don’t waste a drop”
    “I live to please my mistress”
    “I’ve always wanted to feel my brother’s hard cock!”
  4. Explain Who You/they Are
    While this certainly ties into roleplaying; sometimes, you’re not roleplaying.  There are plenty of meaningful and real positions that people have in each others lives that can be brought up.  Instead of anchoring your partner in a fantasy, this anchors them in the fantastic reality of the relationship that you already have.
    EXAMPLES:
    “I’m you’re good, little, private slut”
    “I know you like your hubby’s big, hard dick”
    “Fuck me, I’m your girl!”
  5. Speak a Different Language
    This is the diet coke of raceplay.  You may not be ready to wear a sombrero in the bedroom; but calling your boyfriend papi can still be really hot and naughty.  Even if it’s not necessarily your native language, it can make the encounter that much more exotic.  I had a recovering weaboo in the bedroom one time and I forced her to refer to me as senpai and say DESU DESU DESU DESU whenever she was climaxing.
    EXAMPLES:
    “Fais-moi grimper au rideau.” [French]
    “Fick mich schneller” [German]
    “Mapigo yako ni kiboko.” [Swahili]
  6. Praise Your Partner
    While you never want to compliment too much in a relationship, those rules go out the window when you’re bangin’.
    Lots of rules do.
    In that, you can’t spill enough language exalting your partner.  You can lay thick compliments about their body, their mind, their spirit, their skill.  It doesn’t necessarily even need to all be true.  If you’re comfortable with it, a little hyperbole goes a long way.
    EXAMPLES:
    “You’re so big, I won’t be able to walk straight later”
    “This ass is yours.  You deserve it.  Take it until you’re ready to let me taste a hot load of your cum”
    “You have such a cute little snatch, I love to watch my cock disappear into your beautiful bush”
  7. Degrade Your Partner
    Saying nice things is sweet.  Saying things that aren’t nice can be really fucking hot, though.  This one you’re definitely going to need to discuss beforehand.  While some people are really into getting put down, plenty of people are exceedingly selective about the levels of degradation they will accept.  At some point, degradation becomes insults and people can go from feeling really naughty to really shitty.  After you’ve discussed things, you can start exploring conversational dominance.
    EXAMPLES:
    “You’re such a dirty whore, you let me use up all your holes”
    “You were born to eat my pussy.  You should just quit your job”
    “Choke down this dick like a twinkie you fat slut”
  8. Prompt Them
    Just like regular conversations, I always prefer dirty talking with someone instead of at someone.  One of the easiest ways to play off each other is with a question/prompt.  Taking the initiative and engaging your partner is sometimes the only way to get them to start talking with you.  You can inquire about their current state and see if there is anything else they want you could indulge or maniacally disregard!  You could ask them to repeat after you.  You could beg them to say something to you.
    EXAMPLES:
    “Does my man like my tight, little cunt?”
    “Tell me you’re my fuck toy”
    “Who does this ass belong to?”

 

When Do I Stop?

When somebody drops the safeword, that means the dirty talking needs to clean up quick.  But even if they haven’t dropped the safeword, you can certainly adjust the levels of intensity depending on how they respond.  If you’re in the middle of a scene and they mention something about the language approaching territory where they feel uncomfortable, it’s easy enough to wind things back.

When you are done with a scene, sometimes it helps to take care of a partner without dirty talking them.  Sure, aftercare in character can be a good way to not suspend the encounter.  But sometimes, your partners might need to be brought out of the scene by breaking character.  One of the easiest ways to pull people out of the dirty-talking headspace is to refer to them by their name directly.

 

What Works for You?

The explorations above are just the tip of the dirty-talking iceberg.  These are just my experiences.  And I come from a very different place in my motivations for dirty talking.

Sometimes, I’m too lazy to give foreplay properly.  Enticing your partner’s body involves hands, fingers, tongues and a brain that’s willing to orchestrate all of that in the correct order and tempo.  Working people up is work!

Thankfully, there is an avenue for foreplay that caters to my sensitivities as a sloth.  They always say that the mind is the biggest sex organ.  If I can stimulate that without even having to move, I might do that first thing in the morning instead of slopping my groggy face into some half-assed BJ to get my partner ready.  And getting myself talking stimulates my biggest sex organ to boot.

What are your reasons for wanting to talk dirty?  What are some things that people have said that turned you on?  Turned you off?

Post your responses in the comments below!

Summer Lovin’

Some guys are into asians, or tattoos, or girls who do the weird stuff.  I’ve recently found myself searching out partners based on finite proximity.  I was specifically targeting people who will not be in Chicago for the long-term.    I’m not sure exactly why, but I got really enamored with the idea of dates who had a distinct finish line for their time with me.  There are a number of good reasons to get involved with someone who’s going to be an isolated romantic incident.

Why Have a Short-Term Relationship

  1. Paradigm Shift
    I’m not going to say it lowers your standards.  But you could certainly change your standards with the temporary nature of the engagement.  You don’t need to look at every aspect of their character and consider the long term effects.  Don’t obscure your ability to build a meaningful connection by worrying about what might happen when your parents finally meet them.  If you normally don’t date asians, or people with tattoos, or people into the weird stuff; just give it a chance.  Try romance that’s not polluted with all of your expectations.  You might even learn to overcome one of your longstanding dealbreakers if you have a limited engagement to desensitize you.  It’s a fine opportunity to step out of your comfort zone with a prearranged escape back into it.
  2. Raw NRE
    While there are certainly occasional exceptions to this, a relationship will generally never be as exciting as in the first month or so of its inception.  Those feelings of exploring new emotions and affections stir you right up!
    Relationships can be a lot like eating muffins: the beginning is usually the best part.
    Sure, the stump of the muffin is still cake, which is fine and delicious.  But the stump will never be as sticky-sweet and nut-glazed as the top.    A short-term romance is like going to a bakery that only sells the top part of the muffin.
  3. Imported Goods
    One of the easiest ways to have a limited engagement is with someone who’s from out of town.  Maybe they’re visiting for a grad program, internship, or spring break.  While you don’t want to outsource too much of your labor, you could certainly gain some insights from taking in foreign engineering.  Exclusively dating domestically deprives you of the knowledge of the vast spectrum of flavors and persuasions that’s in a global market.
  4. Rebounding Safeguards
    I’m recovering from a pretty hard breakup.
    You’ve probably seen somebody in the wake of a breakup making some very poor decisions about their romantic life.  Hell, you may have even done it.  I know I have.
    When you’re fresh from a loss of the heart, you’re exceptionally prone to mistakes.  It’s like being emotionally drunk.  A good way to subvert any misplaced decisions is to have a limited engagement.  Just like having a designated driver is good when you’re physically drunk, having a designated breakup is good when you’re emotionally drunk.
  5. Blank Slate
    Even in a town as big as Chicago where you could conceivably see one hundred different people for the first and last time everyday…it can still feel like your reputation precedes you.
    In that respect, it’s hard to be the person you want to be when you feel bound to the weight of the person you think you are.  When you go out with somebody and your lives are mutually alien to each other, it can be very liberating.  You don’t need to wonder if they heard any stories about who you were in high school, if they’d ever met an ex of yours who’d given them bad reviews, you don’t need to wonder if they’ve already slept with a member of your social circles…or family.
    In that, you can really try something new.  Maybe you’re not the dancing type.  Maybe you just don’t do karaoke.  Maybe you would never get drinks at that bar
    When you’re with someone who doesn’t know you, you don’t have to be you for a spell.  You get to be social in a raw, unprocessed state of self.  And you get to be with someone who’s feeling the same.

That being said, there are some items you should be ready for:

Troubleshooting Your Limited Engagement

  1. Be Satisfied
    There’s a chance you could spend every second with your summer love until they get on the plane/megabus/spaceship back home; and it still wouldn’t be enough.  The same is true of relationships with no designated conclusion.  If it feels like you’re not getting to spend enough time with them, good.  That means you’ve found something really special you want to experience as much as possible.
    While it’s good to let that drive you to do things like give them a ride home at four AM, it can be very negative to let those feelings of desire bring you down.  You will have plenty of time to be sad after it’s over.
  2. Avoid Falling
    It’s easy to rush a relationship when you’re strapped for time.  You may end up sleeping together after your first drink date.  You may also find the L word ready to launch from the tip of your tongue dramatically sooner than it has before or ever should.
  3. Manifest the Destiny
    Hopefully, everyone knows the terms of the engagement before they sign up.  You’re mixing a drama cocktail when leaving things out.  Make sure that dates know the duration, the limits, and the aftermath.  While it may feel like killing somebody’s dreams to be realistic, consider it doing them a favor.

When your successful short-term romance comes to an end, there will also be some de-briefing.  Just like the terms of the relationship need to be discussed before it begins, the terms of the non-relationship should also be discussed.  Will there be a future?  If so, under what circumstances?  Are they conceivable?  Realistic?  Worthwhile?

Potential Epilogues

  1. The Vacation Fling
    You could become each others regular vacation partner. I had a partner I met at an anime convention who lived 400 miles away and had a very strong primary relationship.  She called me her ‘vacation boyfriend’.  Once every few months, she would come visit and take in her favorite local food, local music, and the her favorite local sexual deviant.
  2. The Friend Zone
    As long as everyone was honest and open about the terms of the engagement beforehand, a transition back to platonic friendship could happen with little or no turbulence.  If, say, a relationship was only going to last until the spouse returned from service overseas, but a really excellent connection was built during this time; then the friendship could certainly be worth the loss of booty.
  3. The Pilgrimmage
    There could be a realization of desire for a more permanent move that started with the vacation.  While the summer lover could ease the move, I strongly recommend against moving in-with your vacation fling.  Moving in with a vacation fling until the transplant finds their own space (or worse yet, indefinitely) is fertile ground for growing the shit-show tree.  There are already dangers that exist when moving in with a partner who already has an established life in your hometown.  A transplant will not have the friends or family to fall back on if the cohabitation goes poorly.
  4. Going the Distance
    Sometimes, feelings are strong enough that you can stretch them across states or even oceans.  I defer to the Dan Savage opinion on long distance relationships, though.  I also believe there are too many pitfalls for even a successful long distance relationship to last more than a year or two.
  5. The Civil Conclusion
    Not intimate enough to be in the friendzone, not uninterested enough to end things completely.  Still send each others silly-ass pictures of cats on each others’ Facebook sometimes.  Sending a Valentine on February 14th wouldn’t even be totally unwelcome.  The two of you might even hook back up in the future if the appropriate circumstances align.
  6. The Ghost
    Disappear from each others’ lives.  You could never speak again and pretend like nothing happened.  This can also work.

This has just been my recent experience with it.  If anybody else has other views on short-term relationships, please post them in the comments!

What are some other good reasons to start them?  What are some bad ones?  What are some potential problems that we’ve encountered?  Have you ever had a STR (short term relationship)?  What worked about it?  What didn’t?  How did it end?

 

Long Live the Quean

snapshot (2)

Sometimes, I tie my girlfriend up and fuck other girls in front of her.  I do this because I’m a feminist.

Stick with me on this one…

In the realm of subbing, there is the common practice of cuckoldry.  Cuckoldry  is a sexual fetish in which a male sub is stimulated by their gal having sex with another man (this other man is called the “bull”).  As a man of feminist ideals though, I don’t see this as something that only men can have.  Actually, the practice of doing this to a female bottom already exists and it’s called Cuckqueaning.  Cuckqueaning is a pretty delightful blend of non-monogamy, teasing, and humiliation play.  If both parties are keen on a cocktail with those three ingredients, you can mix like mad!

I’ve had a longstanding relationship with a wonderful woman who likes to be cucked.  If you’re still figuring out whether or not you would like to cuck (or be cucked by) your partner, hopefully these musings will rustle your nest in the right direction.

Why the Cuck?

Tons of reasons.  As a male top, there’s a lot of emotions you can invoke when you ‘force’ your partner to watch you fucking someone else:

  • Uninvited
    It’s that feeling that you get when you were in gym class and everyone else was getting picked for a team before you.  Remember those feelings of helplessness and shame?  Those come into play hard when cucking.  If you don’t remember those feelings because you were always picked first, then fuck you.
  • Spectator Sport
    Outside of the feelings of degradation, there are some great feelings of voyeurism for the sub to explore and exhibitionism for the dom and his lady-bull.  Also, a woman (ideally) finds her partner sexy enough to want to watch them performing sexually.  It’s like watching a live action porno with people you already like!
  • Fair-Weather Bisexuality
    An FMF threesome is a good way for a girl who is a 1 on the Kinsey Scale to see if she’s a 2 or 3.  Cuckqueaning is a good way for her to see if she’s even a 1.  After she sees how she feels about sharing a room with another lady during a sexual encounter, she can see about sharing more.
  • Hyper-Compersion
    A sub can feel like she is servicing her top by letting another girl please him.  Especially if she arranged or helped arrange the liaisons, there can be a sense of satisfaction from treating her dom, as well as treating the third party involved.
  • Girl Power
    As I mentioned before, the male-focused cuckoldry is distinctly more popular than cuckqueaning.  Cuckqueaning is an avenue for women to occupy a conventionally male space.

If any of this has piqued you and your partner’s interest and you would like to explore it, there are some avenues for that!

The Setup

Setting up a cuckqueanery is similar enough to arranging an FMF threesome.  Be sensitive to the differences between these two orchestrations, though:

  1. This affair borders on group-sex, kink, and polyamory.  In that respect, a potential third could be found in any of these communities.
  2. The girl you’re looking for doesn’t have to be sexually interested in girls.  As long as she’s interested in being watched by another girl, you’ll do fine.
  3. Like exploring any new fetish, discuss limits and safewords with everyone involved beforehand.  While a sub may be alright being ‘forced’ to watch a different girl riding her dom like a mechanical bull, the same sub might be very unexcited by the idea of her dom bending another girl over in front of her.  Make sure everyone has had a chance to resolve any hesitations.  And when you finally make that maiden voyage, be ready to slow down and/or stop if there are any issues during the event.

The Execution

Once all the pieces are in place, there’s a number of different ways to optimize your experience.

  1. Employ Bondage
    Strap them up to a chair so they can’t go anywhere.  Force them to watch (Eye speculum optional).  Or force them to turn away and only hear the moans and slapping noises.  If the sub is to be released, this can be done slowly.  After she puts up with the foreplay, give the sub a hand that she can use to treat herself.
  2. Talk Smack
    If the sub is into verbal abuse, this is a brilliant opportunity to talk some shit.  The guy could talk about how much tighter the new girl feels, the lady-bull can comment on how good it feels to be the one girl he’s taking.
  3. Serfs Up
    Service subs can always be put to work.  The sub can help by holding the hitachi in place, wiping the sweat off her man’s forehead, operating the camera and recording the event on video.  At the end, she can remove the condom and dispose of it.  Or she can be made to clean up the moneyshot with a paper towel…or her tongue.
  4. All that Jizz
    I’ve talked before about all the neat things couples can do with a man’s ejaculate.  You can really expand on that when you’re cuckqueaning.  Most guys only get one, so the sub is going to want that.  The sub might be acclimated to causing it and/or receiving it.  This desire can be warped and twisted into a form of subjugation.  Milk a used condom into the sub’s mouth, finish into the lady-bull’s mouth and have her spit it in the sub’s face.  If the lady-bull and dom are fluid-bonded, there can even be a creampie dessert for the sub to eat the literally sloppy seconds.
  5. Shove it in their face
    While having sex in front of a sub is a good way to ‘force’ them to watch, doms can be more aggressive in forcing this voyeurism.  A sub can be grabbed by the hair and have their face placed inches from where the penetration is happening.  The dom can fingerblast the lady-bull and then force the sub to smell it.

Ultimately, I’ve always been fond of cuckqueaning a sub from a social justice perspective.  In the realm of sexual paraphilias there are vastly more men into cuckoldry then there are women into its opposite (The ratio of subscribers in Reddit’s related communities is 25,350 : 5021).  This ties into the naughty=hot-as-fuck paradigm which is one of the truest mantras of sexuality.  I believe the reason there are more fans of cuckoldry is because cuckqueaning is simply much less taboo.

When a woman is nonmonogamous with other men, we call her a whore and she’s stoned to death in certain parts of the world.  When a man is nonmonogamous with other women; people generally just shake their heads in disapproval or it’s because he is a bigamist in certain parts of the world.  In our society, it’s almost expected that all men will have a failure of fidelity.  In that respect, it’s not nearly as inappropriate for a man to be with another woman.  Because cuckqueaning is ‘merely’ male infidelity, there’s less of a following.

I’m not even particularly ravenous to cuck my partner.  If I put the effort into arranging to be in the bedroom causing some shenanigans with two women, ideally they’ll both be directly involved.  In that, cuckqueaning is less satisfying than a threeway, but I still love it.  I love cuckqueaning primarily because I want to live in a world where it’s as inappropriate for a man to be unfaithful as it is for a woman.

Have you ever been queaned?  Wanted to be queaned?  Had some success queaning?  Leave your experiences in the comments below!

 

PS

Also, I use the term lady-bull because I didn’t find ‘cow’ quite as fitting.  I’m also open to hearing the preferred nomenclature for this…

A Beginners Guide to Watching Porno

EDIT: GIVEN THE CURRENT ALLEGATIONS AGAINST JAMES DEEN, I AM RESCINDING MY RECOMMENDATION OF HIM AS A PERFORMER

When I was six years old, my buddy got his hands on some adult cinema from his dad.  I had no idea what it was when he first popped it in the VHS player.  But when the electric guitar and wah wah pedal started rolling and I witnessed my very first act of carnality, I was a changed man awkward bowl-cut little twerp.  This began a very long love affair with the world of adult films.

Pornos taught me there was a difference female anatomy when I was very young.  They made my monogamous, celibate relationship back in high school livable.  Porno put me through college when I worked as an intern for an adult erotica production company.  And Porno has always been there for me when I’ve felt like I had nothing else.

But not everyone has been as fortunate as I have.  Many people haven’t been properly exposed to adult entertainment.  In my experiences, this is especially true of young women in this country.  Guys get introduced and practically encouraged to watch porno by their peers, mentors and public media.  But unfortunately, the sexual suppression of women blankets even their personal sexual growth.

Sometimes, they simply never got the chance to watch it.  Maybe their adolescent friends weren’t raiding their dad’s porno stash…

A lot of the time though, there is a level of shame ascribed to all sexuality for a woman.  Because of this, lots of gals deprive themselves out of a societal pressure from a very young age.  Ergo, there is very little consumption from women in the adult markets.  Concordantly, the majority of pornos are marketed towards the Y chromosome.

I’m a huge proponent of equality, though.  And there is zero reason for a woman to not be allowed the same appetite for explicit media that a man has.  The time has come to reclaim your place in the world of perverts, ladies!

Nobody expects you to just dive in to the nearest porn tube and start playing with the little man in the boat, though.  Like a good video game, sometimes it’s best to start with the tutorial.  I polled the sex-positive ladies in my life, and groomed my personal collection (2TB worth) for the best avenues to start watching.  Without further ado:

Great Introductions to Porn

  1. James Deen
    The Joseph Gordon Levitt of porn.  He doesn’t look like your average porn star, ripped with muscles and tribal tattoos.  He looks like the nice guy you would have wanted to lose your virginity to.  In addition to being a real cutie, he’s also got a great spirit.  He’s a writer and his blog has some wonderful posts.  He’s a producer of independent sci-fi films.  And he is a political activist and redditor.  He’s also got a wonderful relationship with his partner, Stoya.  Stoya did a brilliant interview for the Huffington Post where she shows that she’s an unconventionally cerebral adult entertainer, just like her man.
  2. Nina Hartley
    The Marge Simpson of porno.  This gal has been making movies for the past 30 years.  At this point, she’s making porno incidentally in her efforts to spread her sex-positive agenda.  She primarily makes guides to offer her insights on modern sexual practice.  She wrote a book concerning this exploits and has a whole library of videos dedicated to educating adults on everything from bondage(NSFW) to sex during pregnancy(NSFW).  I even met her one time at an adult novelty shop where she was giving a class on sexuality.  The lecture was wonderful and she even agreed to pose for a picture with me!
  3. Sasha Grey
    Much like Nina Hartley and James Deen, Sasha Grey has also expanded her career into non-adult films.  She’s starred in a few arthouse flicks, as well as some bigger dramas and campy horror.  She even appeared in a great comedy webshort series directed by James Gunn (The guy directing Guardians of the Galaxy).  She still makes porno when she’s not acting in mainstream films, or reading to children, or advocating for things like women’s rights.  Ultimately though, she has an unmitigated interest in her adult work.  And one of the best quotes defending her right to do it.
  4. Burning Angel Productions
    Similar to other alt-porn venues like Suicide Girls.  The big difference is that Burning Angel films hardcore scenes.  It is very unusual for a hardcore company to be run by a woman, too.  But Burning Angel gets its name from the stunning Joanna Angel, who is also the creator of the whole franchise.  Joanna Angel has an expansive network with a number of stunning actresses.  Among them, all of the previously mentioned actors have worked for her.  In addition, some first-timer favorites include Jizz Lee (if you like them butch), Larkin Love (if you like them curvy), Tommy Pistol (If you like guys with ATHF tattoos), or his wife Gia Paloma (if you want a girl who can take some real punishment)
  5. Kink.Com
    If you’ve ever wanted to explore BDSM erotica, Kink.Com has some wonderful resources.  Firstly, all of the previously mentioned performers have done scenes there.  Another major selling point is that in every show, there are three parts of the movie.  The first is a pre-session scene where they talk with the models and establish things like consent, limits, and safewords.  Then there’s the scene which may or may not have any sex in it.  Scenes at Kink.Com are sometimes entirely bondage.  The last part of their movies is a post-scene debriefing where they talk with the actor(s) about the what happened and how they felt about it.  For a really excellent, healthy introduction to BDSM, I recommend you check it out.  Specifically,I recommend The Training of O series (NSFW).
  6. Gianna Michaels
    Outside of her totally hot, curvy, natural body.  This lady exudes a brilliant feminine power.  She barks orders at guys who are fucking her, has made male actors accidentally climax (NSFW here and here), and she spit a load of cum(NSFW)  at a dude who was heckling her during a public scene.  In my experience, Gianna has been received better than any other female actress.

A lot of women I talk to tell me that they only watch girl-on-girl scenes.  All of the above actresses have performed in girl/girl scenes.  Those are just my recommendations for first-timers.

Women are in a unique position in the adult market.  Because media isn’t so strongly marketed towards them, all the genres are on essentially equal footing.  A lady can peruse all of the categories and really have a chance to develop their own unique taste in pornography.  As a guy, conventional porno is ingrained in me.  I’ve been pigeonholed into liking a specific kind of girl and a specific genre.  A woman’s introduction to pornography can be a real journey of self discovery.

Young ladies aren’t groomed to enjoy POV milf creampies that way that guys are.  Therefore, I encourage women to really explore their interests.  Spread your search to include all manner of peculiar bits of adult cinema.  Maybe you’ll like watching guy/guy stuff as much as the average guy likes watching girl/girl scenes.  Maybe animated erotica appeals more to you and you want to watch some hentai or read some dojinshi.  Maybe you have a thing for PAWGs.

If you want to explore the world of adult entertainment and find out what works for you, I recommend the following websites (ALL NSFW, Obv.):

  1. 4chan’s /gif/-
    4chan is the ultimate anonymous message board website.  One board is dedicated exclusively to sharing gifs images.  Like any internet forum, it is sometimes used to share things like animations of cats doing stupid shit.  Primarily though, it’s a fine sampler of 3-10 second clips of adult media.  It’s like the Taste of Chicago of pornography.  Going there right now, I see threads on the subject of fuck machines, pregnant hardcore, and double-penetration.  And that’s just on the first page (of 10!)  It’s constantly changing via user submissions.  So the sampler changes every day.
  2. NSFW Reddits-
    Similar to 4chan in that it is all smaller media submitted by anonymous users.  The neat part is that you can subscribe to communities dedicated to different genres like MassiveCocks, AbusePorn, or ChickFlixx (a place for pro-porn ladies to share/discuss adult cinema that appeals to them).
  3. XnXX
    They have an expansive selection of media where you can search by tags (such as BDSM or Pterodactyl) or by actor/actress (such as Siri or Sarina Valentina).  Much like youtube, they also provide recommended viewing with each video you watch!  This also has my favorite mobile site of any adult tube.  So if you need to sneak into the bathroom at work to give yourself a treat (I call it the crap-n-fap), it’s compatible with Android and iPhone.
  4. NudeVista
    Similar to XnXX.  It doesn’t have nearly the mobile capability, but the stock of available videos is mind-boggling.  NudeVista searches through a number existing adult tubes for what you want and directs you to them.  It’s like Expedia.com, but for masturbation instead of travel.
  5. Empornium
    The idea of non-streaming adult media is becoming archaic, but if you ever want to have a copy of something, download it here.  This is the finest torrent tracker since they shut down Demonoid.  They grill membership real hard to have a good seed:leech ratio, so I recommend downloading only freeleech torrents at first.  Once you have a good ratio, feel free to explore by searching via tags.  Remember, in the tag search, you can’t have spaces.  So separate words with periods:
    E.G. if you want to search for Lisa Ann, search for the tag “lisa.ann”.  Or if you want to search for champagne enemas, search for the term “champagne.enema”.  Then you can combine them with spaces between to see if there are any results for “fishnet.stockings doctor.who prolapse.licking”

Remember, the adult market is struggling with the advent of filesharing.  And adult entertainers cannot supplement their media revenue with a performance tour the way that a musician can 😦 .  So make sure you show your support of certain artists/production companies by offering them your patronage.

If you have any other recommendations for good starting points for appreciations of adult media, feel free to post them in the comments!

By Association

Would you ever be The Other Person?

I just finished reading an article about how it is acceptable to help a monogamous person cheat.  It’s a short read, check it out.

I am fundamentally against the idea of disrespecting other peoples’ established relationship boundaries, but I am always open to new ideas.  I was even convinced to respect people who like to go ass2mouth, even though I still don’t ever want to do it.

If presented an idea counter to my own convictions, I can still be swayed.  I am receptive provided that the idea has three key attributes: it must be logical, supported, and well-versed.

Of those three attributes, this article has zero.

This article reads like it was written by a person who feels so guilty about being the other person, that they felt compelled to write a blog post full of self-justification.  Not a whole lot of substance, just statements with no real supports.

Firstly, they start off by railing on Dan Savage.  Savage generally has two kinds of readers: People who love him and think everything he churns out is scripture, and people who view him as a soapbox preacher trying to tell other people how to live there life.

Most people don’t get that he is just a guy.  A good writer, no doubt.  And a decent social scientist.  But he’s perfected a system that works for him.  It works for a lot of people.  It may not work for you.

Being the other person won’t work for anybody, regardless of whether or not you like Dan Savage.

I don’t like the phrase nonmonogamy.  Nonmonogamy is something monogamous people do when they fuck up.  Polyamorous people practice consensual nonmonogamy.  If your partner (and/or their partner) doesn’t consent to it, it’s wrong.

Don’t listen to this writer’s advice on what you should do.  There is no right way to be a polyamorist, but there are enough wrong ways that I can spot them.  My way may not be right for you, but it’s certainly met with excellent reviews in my social circles.

So what should you do:

If you are the other person, you done goofed.  It happens.

What you are doing is wrong, but there are plenty of things you can do to remedy that:

  1. Stop.
    Keep the incident isolated if you think it can be.  Don’t do it again, don’t enable them again, and strongly discourage them from being unfaithful again.  Unless you know their partner, I don’t think you need to tell them.
  2. Drop.
    Have them leave their partner.  Obviously, monogamy may not be their thing.  Otherwise, they would be doing it.  Encourage a trial separation where they can be with you, try out the polyamory waters, and not need to do so behind their partner’s back.
  3. Roll.
    Have both of them sign up for polyamory.  Their partner could be more receptive to it if they get to do it too!  The poly world is very sink-or-swim, so they will find out immediately.
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