10 Useful Prophylactic Facts

Outside of getting your sperm supply cut off, male birth control is limited to condoms and abstinence.  Thanks to my American public school sex-education course, you can guess which of these two I learned about…

I’m one of millions of men in this country who was vastly unprepared for and culturally dissuaded from using condoms.  And considering that condoms are essentially the most vital tool for safe sex, sexually active people have got to educate themselves more!

When people use them correctly, condoms are 98% effective.  However, If you just know how to put one on right, you’re already ahead of the curve.  But if you’ve got that first lesson in your sex transcripts, here’s a selection of other vital infortmation for your everyday sex life:

10 Things I Never Learned About Condoms in Sex-Ed

  1. Most Condoms are NOT vegan
    Renouncing the consumption of all animals and animal byproducts is no simple feat, especially when people learn that most condoms are not vegan.  The majority of condoms smooth the latex with a milk protein called casein.  If you don’t want the vegan police to come for you, you should invest in some vegan alternatives.  While most non-latex condoms are incidentally vegan, you may need to double check that.  For a list of confirmed vegan options, follow Vegan.com’s recommendations.
  2. You might NOT have a Latex Allergy
    Research shows that less than 1% of the US population is legitimately allergic to latex. Many who have reactions to latex condoms are actually reacting to certain chemicals (like casein) that are often used in their production.  So if you’re afraid of an allergy, get a doctor to confirm that before you rule out a GIANT portion of the condom market.  While you can try testing at home by trying out different latex condoms until your partner goes into anaphylactic shock; this is not a preferred method to determine allergies, regardless of how hot it would be to blast your partner with an epipen mid-coitus.
  3. Lambskin Sex is NOT Safe Sex
    Lambskin condoms do not protect against viral STDs, like HIV and herpes.  While they do protect against children, the cutest of all the sexually transmitted diseases, viruses are tiny enough to get through the pores in lambskin.  So if you only like the feeling of lambskin, you better only be worried about getting children from your partner.
  4. Buy Online to Save
    Just like printer ink, the condom market preys on desperate people who have run out.  But if you purchase before you need, you pay a fraction of the price!  Even if you’re buying the “best value” at your local pharmacy, you’ll pay half that amount if you order online.  I order in bulks of 100-count packages where I can easily find options that cost $0.05 USD per condom.   While 100 condoms may seem like a lot, condoms are generally good for 5 years (2 years if they have spermicidal lubricant).  Step your safe sex game up and buy for a year of fucking, not just a night.
  5. American Condoms are Rare
    More than 5 billion condoms worldwide are sold every year, according to Michael S. Zedalis, senior vice president in charge of science and technology for condom-maker Ansell Limited.  Of all the brands on the market, the only American company who makes American condoms is Trojan.  Continued support of the American economy means buying American condoms for all your banging needs.
  6. Condom Climate is Important
    Keeping condoms in your wallet or your car is sure useful in a pinch.  But for maximum longevity, condoms need to be kept in a cool, dry place.  The regular frictions put on the average wallet by the average man can deteriorate the condom or puncture the packaging, causing failures.  Keeping them in your car’s glove box can have a similar effect on the condoms.  Excluding the frictions of the glove box, condoms should never be stored anywhere it’s over 100 degrees or cooler than 32 degrees Fahrenheit.  I keep my condoms in an empty Altoids tin in my breast pocket.  It doesn’t get too warm there, not too much turbulence, and I’ve got the room for 4 condoms and a packet of lube!
  7. Flavored Condoms are Probably ONLY for the Mouth
    The same is true for flavored lubricants.  It would be neat if they said this ANYWHERE on the package, but they generally don’t mention that the sugars that make these taste so good also put women at a higher risk for infections like a yeast infection.  While we’re on the subject of women-friendly condoms, spermicidal lubricants also cause irritation which can cause UTIs in women.
  8. Size Matters…kinda
    Here’s a chart for condoms and their sizes.  Unstretched, the smallest “snugger fit” has 58% of the volume that you’ll find in the biggest condom on the market.  That being said, anybody who has ever stuffed their whole head in a condom will tell you that condoms are plenty flexible!  Most “large sized” condoms are the same size as the regular-sized option, but cost 33% more.  Let it never be said that men don’t fall prey to vanity sizing.
  9. Condoms are Especially Important for Buttsex
    While it’s a surefire way to avoid pregnancy.  Just because you’re thinking outside the box, doesn’t mean you’re playing it safe.  Clinical studies show that unprotected anal sex has over twice the HIV risk of its vaginal counterpart.
  10. Condoms Have Tons of Uses
    Even if you’ve decided you’d rather not have sex than do it with a condom on, it’s still beneficial to keep a few in the house!  If you need to waterproof anything or just need a quick bit of latex for tying off something, condoms are good for lots of stuff other than fucking.  And if you have them on hand for those occasions, you won’t be caught unawares if you ever need them for their intended purpose…

I’m always a little shaken by how little people know about condoms.  Often enough, all people know about condoms are the problems they have with them.  If I could address some of those greivances:

  • I can’t feel anything with the condom on
    You lucky duck.  Here I am thinking about baseball and counting prime numbers to stop myself from finishing too fast, and all you have to do is make a prudent decision about the health of yourself and your partner.  Pressuring partners into having unprotected sex with this line is disturbingly common.
    I understand why.  It’s a much more acceptable way of saying “I want to put us both at risk for some reason, and I’m going to bait you into agreeing with me by calling into question your desire for approval.”
    Bad form.
  • The condom is too tight, it cuts off circulation
    I hope your partner isn’t too tight, then!  For real though, try out all the different options on this chart before you decide that no condom in the world has enough room for your enormous pecker.  If you’ve used every single one to no avail, then maybe invest in some female condoms.
  • It takes too long to put it on
    If several seconds is a sizable portion of the time you’re spending making love, you have bigger problems than condom use.  If you feel like putting on a condom interrupts the flow of your session, there are plenty of sexy ways to get the condom on.  Just like taking time in foreplay to get your partner ready, you shouldn’t have a problem with the time it takes to get yourself ready.

That’s just some stuff that I really wish someone had taught me back in the day when I had “sex ed”.  Is there anything you wish you got taught about safe sex when you were in sex ed?  Any important pieces of information about prophylactics I could add to the list?  Feel free to drop those comments in the comments!

Growing Fetishes

“the bleak light of full adulthood, which is to one’s early twenties as Sunday morning is to Saturday night”
-Neal Stephenson, Snow Crash

There’s plenty I’ve found myself more interested in as I’ve grown older:  Lingerie, pegging, The Dave Matthews Band.  Similarly, the partners I’ve had for many years have also developed as we’ve grown together.  They too adopt new fetishes and quirks, though nothing as weird as The Dave Matthews Band.  That’s pretty much just me.

While these quirks certainly vary strongly between the partners I’ve had, there is one fetish of which I’ve found more and more of the female partners I’ve had have been particularly fond: the creampie fantasy.

It might be as simple as the pleasure of forbidden fruits.  Maybe it’s a reclamation of the historical use of impregnation as a tool of female oppression.  Or maybe we’re all just getting a little older and parenthood is becoming something that scares us in a good way.  Whatever the reason, just like Game of Thrones or Fifth Harmony, pretending to knock a girl up is what’s hot right now.

Note, I said “pretending”.  Safe sex no more mutually exclusive with an impregnation fantasy than consent is with a rape roleplay.  I’ve done the impregnation roleplay while wearing condoms, with partners using an IUD, I’ve even had an impregnation roleplay with a transwoman.  I discuss the matter beforehand, establish whatever parameters please both parties, and we forge ahead with an everpresent consideration of each other and have never had an issue.

It’s a high risk roleplay, though.  You’re playing with the concept of maternity.  Which is a Freudian slippery slope.  If we were using the rating system I employed in my article about roleplays, I would rank this one as an R-Rated roleplay.  At least.  I think that’s why it’s been received so well.  It’s just so impossibly naughty…

Like many of my partners, I grew up with a stock of middle and upper-middle class white youths.  For many of us in the progressive generation, we weren’t raised to be afraid of sex.  We were raised to be afraid of babies.  The parents of our generation made sure we knew their regrets about having us.

Of course, our parents are one generation deeper into the widespread use of pregnancy to subjugate and indenture women.  With the expanding recognition of these acts, there too is coming the expanding fetishization of them.  Just like 1950s household or Burlesque, our newfound understanding of the sordid history makes it wet with unacceptability.  It’s no coincidence that all of the partners who have enthusiastically taken to this fetish are also Steinem-reading, patriarchy-fighting, self-identified feminists.

In addition to feminism, the other trend that’s popular with my partners is aging.  We’re not old yet, but we’re getting to the age where we’re expected to continue propagating the species.  And in this bleak light of full adulthood, there is something satisfying about the feeling of giving in to the societal pressure.  I won’t deny that it’s a little liberating when immerse myself in the toxic masculinity that is dripping from the affectations of me being “dominant” in the bedroom.

I am become patriarchy, destroyer of wombs.

Don’t get your Dworkins in a twist, though.  Just like condoms, feminism too is not mutually exclusive with this roleplay.  I can only imagine the struggles of the average woman who identifies as feminist and submissive, so I don’t want to miss an opportunity to remind them that you can be both.  And the feminist/submissive dichotomy is no less false than the conventional one drawn between virgin/whore.

Be both.  Say the nasty shit.

Get the nasty shit said to you.

It’s more prevalent than you might imagine.  Reddit has 11 forums dedicated to the subject, two of which are personals, totalling 140,242 subscribed readers.  And that’s just in the public forums, of which the three most popular (are NSFW and) are:

  • r/breeding – 26,514 Readers
    This forum is sort of a catch-all for any media/literature of or relating to the subject.
  • r/cuckoldpregnancy – 7,714 Readers
    Which is directed to the act of humiliating submissives with having their partners sharing a child with a third, outside party.  While there certainly are a few posts dedicated to cuckqueaning and also whitebreeding a female person of color.  The most common post is for “blackbreeding” a white woman with an extramarital black male (or “bull” to use the technical language).
  • r/inbreeding – 4,616 Readers
    This subreddit goes with the tagline “When just fucking your family isn’t enough”.  What a pointed commentary!  If you’re already having one of the most taboo fetishes on the market, why not go the extra weird mile?
    In for a penny, in for a pound…

Reddit is a fine platform for getting your hands on literature and some images on the subject.  While they do have videos, the champion of getting internet porn videos for free is the searching feature behind porn torrenting websites.  These have been meticulously and methodically designed to satisfy perverts with very specific proclivities.  I groomed all the tags relevant to the topic and found a total of 362 videos!  Of the top tags concerning these fetishes, here’s a list with the number of tagged videos:

 

Tag(s) Videos Available
“Impregnation” 247
“Impregnation Fantasy” 115
“Breeding” 70
“Blackbred” 11
“Black.Bred” 7
“Black.Breeding” 5
“Bred.By.Black” “Insemination” 4
“Wifebreeding”, “Wifebreeder”, “Inseminated”, “Impreg” 3
“Wife.Breeders”, “Breed”, “Blackbred.com”, “Forced.Impregnation” 2
“Implied.Impregnation”, “Blrackbred”, “Breedingwhore”, “Interracial.Breeding”, “Reluctant.Breeding”, “Reluctant.Impregnation”, “Forced.Breeding”, “Bred.By.Blacks” 1

Note: plenty of the videos in this stock fall into several, if not most, of these categories.

In total, we’re looking at 362 separate videos that are all directed towards an impregnation fetish.  To put that in perspective, it’s not as common as videos tagged with fetishes like “Emo” (429 videos) or “Anal.Beads” (465 videos).  It’s almost as popular as spectacles like “ass.to.ass” (364 videos); marginally more popular than fetishes like “Medical” (358 videos) or  “wrestling” (360 videos).  And it’s distinctly more common than videos tagged with fetishes like “Tickling” (255 videos) or “Nipple.Torture” (253 videos).

Of the representative videos tagged in the impregnation fetish, the most downloaded are:
5.  Veruca James – Virtual Sex Creampie (142 Seeds)
4.  Alex Chance – Brothers and Sisters (154 Seeds)
3.  Taylor Mitchell – Real Amateur Hotwife & Interracial Cuckold  (175 Seeds)
2.  Princess Leia – Party Girl Had Daddy Impregnate Her (207 Seeds)
1.  Lady Fyre – Mom Made Me Impregnate Aunt Mallory (441 Seeds)

Clearly, inbreeding is the most commonly shared video on the subject.  But interracial cuckoldry is in a very powerful third place.  Just barely in the top 5 would be the fine performance of Veruca James, which is a story of a deceptive girl who lures her boyfriend into using sabotaged condoms so that she gets pregnant because she is excited about the idea of having his abortion.

I’ll bet you thought the one that wasn’t about incest or cuckoldry was gonna be a little more normal, didn’t you?

False.

Given the usually direct correlation between how sexy something is and how unacceptable it is, don’ t be afraid to let your freak flag fly.  Sure, I’ve proposed this roleplay to a few girls who were not interested.  But accepting a refusal is easy enough to do, that it’s worth at least offering if you’re interested.

As for the execution of the roleplay, here’s a list of winning strategies I’ve found for the engagement:

  1. Suspend the Disbelief
    Don’t let them see you put the condom on.  Sure, they’ll know you’re wearing one.  But there’s something exciting about not knowing that your partner is wearing one.  Like good practical special effects at the movies.  I know it’s only a model, but I forget when I’m not reminded.
  2. Talk Some Shit
    Even if you were legitimately having unprotected sex for the explicit purpose of procreation, you wouldn’t know if you were successful for at least a week.  So the only way to make it real (or ‘real’ in the case of a roleplay) is for the verbal exchange to happen.  Use some graphic language with phrases like “knock me up” or “make me a mom”.  You can even get extra gritty with nigh-agricultural phrases like “you’re my fertile, little breed mare”.
  3. Find out What You Like About It
    This should be the first step before exploring any kink really.  Do you like the idea of having something of your partner’s put into you?  Do you like the idea of owning your partner from the inside?  There are a lot of different places you could take this kink and finding out what direction will really help guide you to a place you really dig.

Have you ever tried an impregnation roleplay?  What was the scenario?  Got any winning lines you like to say/hear?  Any good videos you’d recommend for people who’re interested?

What’s in a Number?

I find numbers very sexy.  This has led me to two behaviors with OkCupid.  One -fairly innocuous- idea is that I find people with a higher match percentage more attractive.  The other -kinda peculiar- urge I have is to keep a record of my match percentages with people I meet from the website.

Yeah, it’s weird, but I started doing it when I was unemployed and needed something to fill my days.

This is why we need to build a better economy, it’ll prevent guys like me from having the time to build spreadsheets about weird shit.  If you think I’m bad, you should read some of the studies they do at OkTrends

Anyway…over time, I’ve collected a sample size of 35 percentages.  These are the match percentages of people I’ve met on OkC and with whom I’ve had relations.  I tried to be good about recording these.  Given that 35 is a nearly complete fair size to draw conclusions about my preferences with online dating, here’s what I’ve found with OkCupid dates:

  1. Average Percentage Match: 89%
  2. Median Match: 93%
  3. Highest Match: 99%
  4. Lowest Match: 63%

What can I draw from this data?  Firstly, I can see that a low percentage match will not automatically disqualify a connection.  63% is low.  Like…catfish profile low.  But even then, there’s hope.  So if you ever see someone that seems like your type, but may not have the numbers to push you all the way to send that message, maybe send it anyway!

Outside of that, it tells me that I generally end up in the bedroom with people in or around the 90% match range.

Makes sense.  When I’m browsing profiles and see a high percent match; it’s just as sexy as seeing a photo of them at the beach, a number of different languages spoken, or listing Digimon as one of their favorite shows.  But this provokes a whole different series of questions about whether or not we would have slept together if we didn’t have such a high match.

Did we sleep together because we were a good match or did we sleep together because we had a high match?

OkCupid programmers actually lied to their users one time in an effort to test the persuasive ability of the algorithm.  It’s a very interesting study in consumption of statistics and also involuntary experimentation if you want to read that here.  The final numbers on their study were as such:

OkCupid-experiment

The end results of this experiment did confirm my suspicions, but not by that much.  Was I being swayed by a big, strong, match percent? Maybe…Marginally, at most.

While that study yielded results based on comparing their real algorithm to a fake algorithm, I wanted a more comprehensive comparative sample.  I collected the data from people that I have found on OkCupid after we’d already met somewhere else.

Maybe we met at a party, on tinder, or in line at the Planned Parenthood and had a liaisons before they showed up in my Quickmatch later on and I scribbled down our numbers.  Obviously this sample size is smaller (20 entries), but as a tool for comparison, that’s a substantial value.  This is a real test of the OkCupid algorithm:

How do OkCupid matches compare to real life matches?

If we met on OkCupid…

If we met outside Okcupid…

Average Match

89%

88%

Median Match

93%

94%

High Match %

99%

99%

Low Match %

63%

37%

 

These numbers barely have a deviation.  It’s almost a little disturbing…

To be extra sciency, I had my most skillful statistician buddy run the two sets of data through a T-Test Calculator which yielded a p-value of .844416.  After I had him explain to me what that meant, I learned that OkCupid matches are the same percent as my existing romantic life 84% of the time.

84 whole percents? That’s nothing to scoff at.  OkCupid gets a B- at my dating life!  Or as my aforementioned stat-nerd-bro puts it, “It means their algorithm really is quite good”.

While the OkCupid study was able to illustrate how fake their numbers can be, I think my data indicates just how real things can be.  While this study is based on a limited sample size (35 Okc dates Vs. 20 IRL dates), I believe this to be a representative sample of my dating life as a whole.

The one outlier comes from the significantly lower lowest I found in my non-OkC dates.  At nearly half the percentage match of my lowest OkC, my lowest matches from real life might have come from a time when I didn’t have a computer program to tell me it was a bad idea.

Higher match percentage may not always make an online date more attractive, but a very low match percentage is apparently a bigger deal for electronic affections.

The study needs more data.  If you’d like to help, feel free to come over and sleep with me, then we can share match percentages and I could add them to my spreadsheet.  All my grant requests have been denied for me to conduct this study, however.  If you would like to take part, you’ll have to test pro-bono

Anyway…Do you keep track of your percentages?  How do you think your results vary?  Have you found the OkC algorithm to be a fair decider for a good match?  Post in the comments!

Down with OPP

For conventional dating, the three word phrases that usually send people running are “I love You” and “Ass to Mouth”.  In the world of nonmonogamy, there is a different three words that go bump in the night:

One Penis Policy

The OPP; also known as polygyny, hareming, or the “Highlander-Cock Rule”.  I’m talking about the relationship style that is a form of a cis-heterosexual coupling that is non-monogamous.  The stipulation to their non-monogamy being that while the man is allowed to have whatever outsider partners he likes, his female partner may only have relations with other women.

You might have known some people with an OPP (One Penis Policy), you might have even been one of those couples.  I know I was.

It was when I was a young, scared, and still recovering from being a monogamist.  And fuck me running if it didn’t make me feel secure to adopt a lifestyle that’s incidentally one of the most desired male fantasies in existence.  As a crutch, having an OPP eased me into polyamory just fine.  But now that I’ve spread my wings (and have them tested regularly), I can fly free in the winds of non-exclusivity and I look back on where I came from and see the real issues with it.  Firstly and simply, it’s not fair to the woman in the relationship.  It’s also dismissive of the connections that are built between women.  Ultimately though, it’s not really a necessary step to being truly open with each other.

Being truly open relies on being fair.  It relies on having a realistic understanding of the expectations you have for your partner.  I encourage guys to try playing with their own asshole before they try anal with their girlfriend.  I encourage guys to try body waxing before they expect brazillians.  It’s good to know what it’s like to be on the receiving end before you buy a pretense.  In this case, I’m talking about being on the receiving end of somebody else’s nonmonogamy with a heterosexual partner.

While some guys might feel like the only way they could be nonmonogamous and secure is if their girlfriend was with another woman.  If that’s the case for you, you’re letting your greed and insecurity undermine your partner’s pursuit of happiness; which fundamentally opposes nearly all the virtues of polyamory.  And to tack it onto the historical practice of polygyny as a tool for female oppression, the OPP has no place in modern polyamory.  Modern polyamory is also feminist polyamory.  Modern polyamory cannot exist in a space where men are explicitly given liberties not also offered to women.

To be blunt, the OPP is misogynist.

To be extra blunt, the OPP is misogynist and homophobic.

Having the policy doesn’t make you Jerry Falwell, but it does dismiss the legitimacy of connections built in the absence of heterosexuality.  I didn’t feel like I was being homophobic when I was doing it.  Hell, I felt like I was a champion of the queer movement for allowing my partner to indulge her bisexual desires.  I fancied myself to be the great liberator, imparting my superior male blessings upon her playful acts of want and carnality.

Like I said, I was young.  Did I say stupid?  I was stupid too…

The OPP is not an ally of the queer movement.  It’s quite the opposite.  It’s tantamount to telling your partner:

“I’m possessive of you and feel threatened by the idea of seeing you build a heterosexual connection.  I recognize that you are more secure in our relationship, and can abide the limitations I am neglecting to extend also to myself.  Because I consider homosexual relations between women to be novel and trivial, I will allow them.”

The OPP fundamentally relies on the idea that a sapphic encounter is somehow not “real sex.”

I assure you, it is.  And girls can be just as territorial and possessive as boys when it comes to romance.  So if there’s a worry that a another man will somehow upstage the relationship dynamic, then a real solution is to avoid nonmonogamy altogether.  If you’re new to nonmonogamy, set whatever boundaries make you feel comfortable.  But I implore newbies to avoid having a long term OPP.

Even if you don’t have an official OPP, you’ll probably end up with a de-facto OPP.  For several of my partners, I have been their only male partner.  It’s not because I’ve established a set of rules preventing anything otherwise.  It’s because of an underlying truth about modern courtship:

Dating guys sucks.

Trust me, I’ve done it.  There’s a reason I’m on the straighter end of bisexual.  There are lots of reasons, actually.  Women don’t mind taking things slowly.  Women are more willing to talk about their feelings.  Women are self lubricating.  My partners and I have mostly dated women simply because it’s generally a much more pleasant experience.  Making a policy for it is unnecessary and functions only to perpetuate the marginalizing of women and queers.

If you’re a standup guy, then you’ve set the bar for the quality of gentleman that your lady will desire.  Lesser basic bros will be turned away by her having a confident man in her life.  If there’s a worry that being open to other men will somehow invite the creepers to start making their advances, I can understand that.  But for those of us who have seen the modern dating market, we know that creepers will make their advances regardless of how your relationship is identified.  Even if the man in a given relationship was out of the picture, and the woman was on the dating market as an asexual lesbian only looking for distance partners, she would still be accosted by straight male creepers.  She’d also probably get accosted by couples with an OPP…

Anybody here ever have an OPP?  How did it go for you?  Post in the comments!

What’d the Five Fingers Say to the Face?

Something scary happened in my bed one time.

Now, I fancy myself to be a little experienced in the bedroom.  But I’m still in my 20s.  All my ‘experiences’ are just the tip of what a real adult sex life looks like.

Me and my gal went out for the night.  We hit up a coffee shop, caught a movie, slipped in for the tail end of a party, drank Sangria and laughed hard until we started weeping fruity, crimson tears; then we turned in.

We crawled into bed and started getting frisky.  I touched her up and down.  We smooched and squeezed and spanked.  She is a foreplay junky, and it only gets worse when she’s drinking, so we were drunkenly fondling and tonguing each other for the better part of an hour.  After this spell, I stuff a hard dick into her and we go to Pound Town.

Pound Town is a wild country with this gal.  She is a bit of a tomboy.  She plays softball, fucks girls, and has a wrestling fetish.  She can be a real lady too.  She likes dresses and makeup and the Gilmore Girls.  Though lets her fuzzy navel grow freely.  She’s proud of that.  Sex with this gal is an interesting combo of wiles, both feminine and masculine.

Now, I get scared in the bedroom.  All the time.  For all sorts of different reasons.  I get scared that my partner won’t find me attractive.  I get scared that I won’t be able to get it up.  I get scared that I won’t be rough enough.  I get scared that I’ll be too rough.

I get scared that I am too rough.  But as a top-heavy kinkster, I’ve never really been scared of my partner being too rough.  But I had a very real experience with this girl when she unannouncedly slapped me in the face mid coitus.  Hard.

She slapped the shit out of me.

There were a number of different feelings this provoked in me.  I was startled.  I was angry.  And I was scared on a whole series of levels.  I was scared for my safety because she engaged in a direct mechanical strike without negotiating that level of physicality with me.  I was scared I made a very inaccurate judgement of my partner’s dedication to my safety.  And I was scared of the anger I felt.  I slapped her back.

I slapped the shit out of her.

After I did that, I told her we needed to stop.  The emotions that were running hot in my horny lizard brain were something that needed to be checked immediately.  I pulled out and threw in the towel like somebody just showed me a picture of Gary Busey.  She was polite enough to offer me a session of gentle cuddles and relaxed conversation.

Laying there, all flustered and frantic, I asked what provoked her to do that.  She said she had no idea.  She told me that she was just overcome with an intense urge to slap me stupid and it happened virtually without a thought.  I wasn’t going to judge her too harshly, though.  I’ve certainly pulled a spur-of-the-moment move that wasn’t received as well as I had predicted.  So I wrote it off as just one of those things you do and she acknowledged my hesitations as legitimate and it was never a problem ever again.

It was never a problem with her, at least.

A year later, I’m with a different young lady.  She has different proclivities, different styles, and has never met the lady from the previous anecdote.  But still, despite complete separation from my previous experience, this girl behaved in a very similar fashion.  We were getting hot and heavy like two frottage-wild teenagers.  After we started splicing sex organs, she looked up at me with this face that I’ve only seen Jack Nicholson make.  Sure enough, without warning, she reeled back with her strong hand and slapped me right across the face.

She slapped the shit out of me.

This wasn’t my first rodeo, though.  So I kept my cool and just held her arms down and fucked her crooked like a calm and collected young man.  It wasn’t as startling as the first time, but it still wasn’t real pleasant.  Not so unpleasant I had to stop, though.

After we had wrapped things up and she was cleaning the Hitachi and I was putting away the N64 Rumble-Pack, we cuddled up and I had to inquire.

Why do that thing that you done?

She said something similar to the last explanation I had received.  She wasn’t entirely sure.  But in the heat of the moment, cracking me across the kisser like she was a pimp named Slickback seemed a totally logical decision.  We had a few words, and just resolved to ask before exchanging that kind of intimacy in the future.

The third time I was with a gal who suddenly slapped me in the face during sex, I just said “please don’t do that” and carried on.

And yes, she slapped the shit out of me.

I could dismiss an isolated incident with this kind of behavior.  But three independent, non-consecutive occurrences has led me to believe that this might be something worth exploring more comprehensively.  This experience has led me to some new ideas about the realms of sexuality.  Firstly, nobody falls 100% on either side of the dom/sub spectrum. This is also a fine reason to remind people about the importance of prior consent in the bedroom.

Just like gender, sexuality, or any other conventionally accepted false dichotomy; there is a wide spectrum of potential standings for how dominant or submissive somebody is in the bedroom.  I’ve seen diehard subs who would lick strange things off stranger places and like it just because they were being told.  I’ve seen these same subs be absolutely enamored with the idea of their dom being tied up before being serviced.  Similarly, I’ve seen plenty of domineering, heavy-handed doms start to swoon when somebody mentions pulling their hair.

The point is that nobody falls completely on either end of the spectrum.  There is no factory-standard set of sexual preferences.  And it’s dangerous to assume.  I’ve had partners in the past forge ahead without asking based on their previous successes and I have been very startled at some of these attempts.  You should ask before trying something new with a partner, ideally.  You should definitely ask if your partner will need to look it up before they agree.

We need to explore these different aspects of our own preferences.

We need to explore the shit out of them.

On Receiving Rejection

In the dating game, I wish people could be put in the penalty box for unsportsmanlike conduct.  One of the most common and heinous acts of unsportsmanlike conduct I’ve seen is the inability to take a refusal with a little grace.  Maybe I just get rejected so much that I think it’s a necessity.  But unless you’re deluded enough to think you’re always going to be “winning“, there will be times when you’re not winning.

I use the phrase “not winning” instead of “losing” for a number of reasons.  Firstly, everyone in the dating game is a winner as long as you’re being respectful and polite.  I also dislike the idea of rejection as losing because it implies that the goals of being courtly are solely romantic conquest.  It also implies that if you’re a “loser”, you have nothing left the lose.

Plenty of hopefuls have felt slighted by a “no” and have done some silly-ass shit in response.  I did when I was young and rambuncious and couldn’t comprehend the idea that someone wouldn’t be interested in a lothario like myself.  So I made a total ass of myself and tried to make them feel as bad for rejecting me as I felt for being rejected.  It wasn’t thoughtful.  It wasn’t constructive.  And it ruined any chance I might have had.

Plenty of people don’t understand that a “no” might very well become a “yes” if you’re patient and respectful.  That being said, I’ve come a long way from my r/seduction-reading, fireball-guzzling youth.  Sure, it would be nifty if being understanding of a rejection awakened someone’s need to be with an empathetic partner and they change their mind immediately after hearing a graceful acceptance of refusal.  Primarily though, doing this enriches a shame free dating culture.  Which is a dramatically more noble calling then constantly cruising for ass.

Respond well and you could be accepted later.

Respond well and you might make a new friend.

Most importantly though, respond well to help foster a culture where people aren’t afraid to say “no”.

So many people are practically incapable of saying “no”.  This is partly because a huge population  (esp. women) is groomed from a tender age to not say it.  This is also because the few who have mustered a refusal are very often met with backlash in the form of dismissal, insults, even threats.  Because of this, and the proliferation of literature about “winning”, I thought it would be valuable to offer my experience with keeping a sense of style when you’re not winning.  I have a lot of experience…

Handling your rejection can be done with contextual candor, depending on the circumstances:

  1. On Teh Internets
    I message so many people, I inevitably receive replies explaining that I am too old/young/male/short/Irish.  If they put the effort into writing me a refusal, I’m obligated as a gentleman to write an understanding acceptance of it.  By far, the most common refusal I get is when I ask people if polyamory is a dealbreaker:
    BPResponse
    Firstly, I gotta assure them that there’s nothing wrong with having preferences that don’t fit me.  Just like there are plenty of people I don’t want to date, I want to acknowledge my respect of their right to not want to date me.  Next, I make sure to thank them for taking the time to write a reply.  They could have not read my messages, or pretended not to have read it, or read it and wrote a disgruntled reply full of pointed comments about my bushy eyebrows.  But they didn’t.  They spent time providing me a conclusive communique.  I better recognize.  Finally, I put the ball in their court.  In any courtship, it falls on the suitor to initiate contact.  My last move is to offer that responsibility to them.
    While it may not have a great turnover rate (28.7%).  It does have a better turnover rate than offering a shitty response to their refusal (0%).  If someone offers a response, even a rejection, they have opened a communication that is civil.  You could walk away with a new friend at the very least.
  2. IRL
    You might meet someone at the party, or on the train, or at the anime fitness convention and feel a spark.  You might finally try to manifest those feelings you’ve been sitting on to ask out someone close to you in an effort to break out of the friend-zone.  Or you might just ask someone out who’s not as into you as you are into them and your date proposal is met unreciprocatedly.  The best course of action to just move along like it never happened.
    Will it make things awkward between the two of you?  Not really.
    The only difference between two peoples’ interactions after a date request is unrequited is that a future romantic engagement is significantly less likely.  If your friendship or civility with someone hinges so heavily on a potential date, you may not actually be that good of a friend.  If the answer is “no”, FIDO.
  3. Unfinished Symphony
    Just because somebody said “yes” to a date, doesn’t mean you have standing consent for the rest of the encounter.  With regular and consistent communication, you may very well find out that your date may not be interested in taking a step you’re gearing towards.  If they agreed to hold your hand, they may not want to kiss.  If they agreed to give you a kiss, they may not wanna bang.  If they agreed to go to bed with you, they may not have the kind of sex you want to have.
    When you’re taking intimacy somewhere new, your partner might say something like “I think we’re moving too fast”, or “I don’t know if I want to do that”, or “Let’s get back to the table before our waiter thinks we left”.
    All these things mean “no”, which also means no.  So ease back and keep your hands to yourself for a spell.  This might mean keep them to yourself for the rest of the night, this might mean keeping them to yourself until your partner is ready to get back to pound-town.  Ultimately, it means they’re calling the shots for a minute.  Don’t feel tempted to test how far they’re willing to go by letting your hands wander until they’re met with another refusal.  Don’t feel tempted to try and barter some hanky panky with offers like “Could you gimme a BJ instead?” or “Just the tip?.  You’ve established that you want to go farther than they do.  So let them decide how far y’all are going because they know you’re game.  Say something to the effect of “What would you be comfortable doing instead?”  If they are too frazzled to make a decision about where intimacy is going, you’re probably done for the night.
    It’s a bummer, but it happens.
    If anything, just ask them if you can hold them and then try and conk out for the night.  If you have a stone-hard-life-threatening boner that you really have to do something about, just go crank one out in the bathroom.  I encourage people to say nothing about giving yourself a quick treat in private.  If you ask/tell your partner about what you’re going to do, that’s kind of pressuring them to ‘satisfy’ you.  At the same time, trying to sleep with blue balls is sometimes like trying to sleep with your socks on.  I can’t do it.  So if you’ve been building up all night but release got denied, in the most discreet way possible, hit up the john for the old crap’n’fap.
  4. Hitting Hard Limits
    Similar to the unfinished symphony, if you’re asking an existing partner for something new, they may not be as interested as you are.  Make sure you discuss taking these steps together while your clothes are still on to give your partner time to come to an informed decision about what route to take with this knew desire they know about you.  This could be an opportunity to explore something new together, or this could be a wedge that gets driven into the relationship.  The most common limit that people hit refusal for is anal.  Because it’s placed on this pedestal as a sexual holy grail, and because it’s real tough to do; lots of relationships hit this bump.  But it’s true of virtually any snag of intimacy due to hesitations, not just buttsex.  This could happen if you’re asking your partner for a sexy roleplay, or if you’re asking your partner for a threeway, or to draw stairs on an etch-a-sketch while pegging him.  If the answer is no, you’ve got some options:

    1. FIDO
      Continue the relationship without getting this thing you want.  Ever.
      San Savage calls this the “Price of Admission“.  Ask yourself if this person means enough to you that you are willing to carry on without getting this particular intimacy that you desire.  Hopefully, they’re worth it.  Your desire may fade, or it may fester and mold out into stewing enmity between you and your partner.
    2. Pass the Pace
      Accept the no.  If you respect it, it could very well become a yes later on.  A tentative yes could become their favorite activity with you, or it might become a special treat they give you on birthday and Hanukkah.  But the only way it’ll become anything is if you’re respectful and don’t push too hard.  Take it at their pace, or just slow as a glacial pace; whichever is slower.
    3. Non-Monogamy
      Outsource your desires.  If your partner doesn’t want to get pegged, but you absolutely have to; if the two of you are comfortable with it, branch out.  Hit up Craigslist or AdultFriendFinder for something casual.  Adopt a lifestyle of polyamory if you’re considering something more invested.
    4. Cut Bait
      If you’re not willing to pay the price of admission, but want to remain monogamous, I strongly encourage ending the relationship.  As I mentioned before, desire may become frustration which may become enmity.  By the time you hit enmity, you might be so deeply entwined that you just resolve yourself to being permanently romantically affixed to someone who cannot satisfy you.

If there was a penalty box for the dating world, it would be filled with people who didn’t realize they were doing anything wrong.  We’re still getting used to this whole asking thing, so of course there’s going to be some hiccups in the realm of getting a refusal.  But consent culture won’t be built over night.

Have you ever refused someone and gotten a good response accepting your refusal?  If so, what was it?
How do you handle refusals?  If you never get them, what’s your secret?  Please post in the comments below!  If you refuse to post in the comments, I respect that decision.

Running a Train on Time

I never gangbanged a lady proper before.  Sure, I’ve had a Devil’s Threeway.  My bros and I have ganged up on a lady at a sex party.  I wrote up rules for a gangbang that never ended up happening one time.  But I was recently able to host my first ever gangbang!  With the blessing of the lucky lady and two other guys, I can finally deliver a solid account of my experience.

Firstly, let me establish my personal qualifiers for a conventional heterosexual gangbang:
1.  No more than one lady
2.  No less than three gentlemen

The lady in question and I had been planning this for months.  Late night pillow chat began our plotting.  It started out as dirty talking, evolved into fanciful imagining, and she finally just sent out invitations.  Time from first mention to moneyshot: 2.5 months.

The first thing we started talking about was who would be attending the event.  Not all of her partners were sent invitations.  When you have multiple partners, they usually occupy different spaces in your life.  Just like you may want a partner or two that you are submissive to instead of dominant, you may want some partners to not be passengers on the man-train.  Similarly, not all of the invited parties accepted.  It’s also totally legit to be uncomfortable riding the aforementioned train.

The final roster was our lady, ethical slut extraordinaire.  There was gent that she and I knew who has always been active in the poly community and we’d shared sex parties with him in the past; he was a large, muscular fellow who was just always had solutions.  It was like inviting Groot to a sex party.  Our third was her partner she had been seeing for some months, who asked that I only refer to him as “The Puerto Rican”.

After the lineup was confirmed, we started talking limits.  For this lady, there were very little.  But it’s always good to have some, just so that people know there is a ceiling on the train.  Some people, in the heat of the moment, will try some silly-ass-shit to a partner who claims to have no limits.  All the guys got to post their limits too!

It was to my pleasant surprise that my co-bangers didn’t identify as completely straight.  But outside of that, the guys didn’t have a lot of pregaming they needed to establish.  After all that was done, it was time for the hardest part about a gangbang: scheduling.

The biggest delay in orchestrating this whole affair was finding an evening where the four of us would be free for a few hours into the night and we wouldn’t be too tired from the day of, nor pressed with work the day after.  I’ve heard good things about using Doodle if you’re planning on hosting a gangbang in the near future.  Time from first invitation to moneyshot: 23 days.

I got the chance to talk with our lady about more than just her limits.  I wanted to talk to her about her requests.  I was already planning a grand scheme, but I always like to cater an intimate encounter.  She was very candid, which I really appreciated:

  1. First Ever DP
    I’d been training her for anal sex these past few months and she wanted to try her hand at getting both holes filled.  I told her I would be glad to oblige her if she thought she was ready.
  2. Bukkake
    She wanted all of us to finish on her face.  She wanted to leave the party looking like a Pollock painting.
  3. Photos
    She wanted something sweet to remember the evening.  Photos would be taken without any faces, though.  Everyone consented.
  4. Guy-on-Guy
    She revealed that part of the reason we were all chosen was because she knows that none of us are completely heterosexual and she knows that we all find each other cute.  She was hoping she would get to watch and live out her yaoi-fangirl-slashfic-fantasies.  She still wanted to be the center of attention, though.  She just wanted a little affection between the fellas.

After all that was secured, we had a launch date. Time from announced date to moneyshot: 14 Days.

We thought about having the four of us meet at a bar beforehand, but decided it was unnecessary.  My work schedule is too erratic and other obligations kept everyone from meeting up any earlier than eight o’clock.  Our lady and the Puerto Rican arrived first, they rushed over here and picked up food on the way.  While they ate at my dining room table, I made small talk and made an extremely visible task of moving my arsenal of sex toys from the bedroom to the living room.  I could see her eyeing up the steel and leather as it found its way out of my bedroom.  She later revealed this was one of the most torturous parts of the evening.

While we were waiting for our third guy to arrive, the Puerto Rican and I opened some champagne and he helped me move my weight bench into the center of the living room.  There we sat, the three of us, drinking and making small talk.  Next to us was table spread of plugs, crops, straps, rope, and equestrian equipment.  She later revealed the spread was one of the more exciting parts of the evening.

Groot, our third guy, showed up a little late.  So once he arrived, we started stripping her down.  Time from complete attendance to moneyshot: 3 Hours 21 Minutes

We stripped her bare and laid her out on the weight bench.  We strapped her down and had some casual caresses and spanks before I made her an offer.  I explained to the other guys that she had requested being able to see the three of us being a little physical with each other.  I explained to her that if I was able to stick a plug in her ass, there would be some totally hot guy-on-guy action.  Naturally, she thought this was a fair trade.

Girl took the plug like a champ.  It was time for us to hold up our end of the bargain.  Before that though, I put a velvet bag over her head so that she couldn’t see what was going on.  All she could do was hear the noises of the pure love that exists between men.  This was my first ever gay-fueled cuckqueaning and she said it was delightful.  Eventually, she started begging us to take the hood off.  I offered her a second deal.  If I took out the plug and replaced it with a dramatically larger plug, I would take off the hood.  There was some hesitation, but she agreed.

Girl took this plug like a champ..if this champ had a Pringles can in their ass.  I stripped the hood off of her and she watched the carousing between the other two guys.  I joined in and we gave her a decent PG-13 show.  I figured her neck would get tired looking up at us, so we stopped hovering over and giggling like a gay Statler and Waldorf.  We all took turns slapping her ass around with every implement in the arsenal.  Finally, I brought out my most dangerous sex toy: my box of dice for playing Dungeons and Dragons.

Rolls for roles, the d6 determined that the Puerto Rican would help himself to eating up her snatch, Groot would fuck her mouth open, and I would use some tools teasing her midsection.  When she had melted all the ice cubes and was an overstimulated mess, we unstrapped her and cast her onto her knees.  She knew just what to do and began voraciously stroking and mouthing the men’s anatomy around her.  In multiple person encounters, I find it can be very playful to engage in some novelty behaviors that simply highlight the peculiarity of the encounter.  In accordance with that, I called for the guys to join me in an activity.

It can be easy to get caught up in a sex party and forget exactly how special it is.  But nothing reminds a lady of how lucky she really is until she has three guys dickslapping her in the face with their turgid penises.  With the three of us drumming her face with our boners, it was like being in the college Marimba group again!

I escaped the drum circle for a spell to put some porno on the big screen.  While porno during sex parties can be distracting, sometimes a distraction can be a good thing.  Most guys are not trained to sustain an erection around other men, but plenty of guys have trained themselves to sustain an erection when there’s porn on.  I have a healthy stock of PMVs (Porn Music Videos), which are a crafted montage of scenes from adult films.  I muted the videos and put them on to be distracting, but not too distracting.  They were white noise for our boners.

Maybe it was inspiration from the videos, or just an irrepressible urge, but we had her on all fours taking turns getting fucked open in minutes.  Time from first penetration to moneyshot: 2 hours 13 minutes.

Tom Robbins refers to penetration in a sex party as “the great showstopper”.  While I agreed with him in my early experience; as I’ve become a more seasoned group sex practitioner, I’ve found that to be less and less true.  I understand the temptation to fall prey to the classical escalator of physical intimacy, in which penetration is the saturday night to climaxing’s Sunday morning.  But penetration as a showstopper is especially untrue at a sex party.

While encounters with two or even three people can progress from start to finish without interruption, an encounter with four or more people is often too exhausting to not take a break.  Pleasing one person should can take a lot out of you.  Pleasing three or more can be like playing soccer.  It’s alright to call a time out a few times to break up the action.

For our lot; we flipped her over, around, and used up all of her holes.  But we did this in spurts.  Our shenanigans would occasionally pause and we would have some water or refresh our cocktails.  We would pause and I would go wash that giant butt plug that I forgot I put there two hours ago.  We would pause and put on silly ass costumes.

That last part wasn’t a joke.

She wanted photos.  The guys wanted anonymity.  I keep a healthy stock of theater supplies, so I got to play dress up with everyone!  Thanks to my brilliant wardrobing abilities, there are now photos of a girl in a Sailor Mercury wig getting spitroasted by Captain America and a Luchedore wrestler while she jerks off the Phantom of the Opera.  This was my favorite part.

After we were done with the novelty sex, we resolved that it was time to get serious.  It was business time; three hole business time.  I figured I would take the back door because I’d been training her to get DP’d with me bringing up the rear.  But the Puerto Rican unexpectedly made a request to fill that hole role.  I was hesitant, I’d never been The Anchor in a DP before!

Let me clarify.  In the Statue-of-Liberty position(NSFW) for DPing, the guy on the bottom is called “The Anchor”.  Because it involves less friction in a significantly less sensitive hole, the guy with the bigger cock is usually the Anchor.  Ergo, I’ve never been the Anchor…

I was a little scared.  But I’d hate to think I spent all that time training her ass to not have someone else fuck it.  Not sharing that ass would be downright un-American!  So with a patriotic tear in my boner, I laid back and got mounted.  She rode me while the Puerto Rican sodomized her.  While getting double-stuffed, Groot came and stuck his cock in her mouth.  Time from Air Tight to moneyshot: 42 minutes.

Being the Anchor was alright.  Anchoring versus sodomizing a gal via DP is a similar parallel to being mounted versus dogging a partner one-on-one.  It was lovely, just not in the ravenous, controlling way I’m used to liking that kind of sex.  I liked feeling his cock rub against mine inside of her.  It was like our dicks were high-fiving for having accomplished her first ever DP.  The muffled moans she vented out of her filled mouth really actualized the whole air-tight experience.  It was something real special.

That being said, it did get a little uncomfortable when the Puerto Rican’s testicles kept percussively slapping against my own.  I was curious if he felt it too or if that’s something you only notice when you’re the anchor.  I wondered if I had been doing this to anchoring guys for years, or if the Puerto Rican just had a distended, pendulous nut sack.

I stopped anchoring before reaching conclusive results.

We took turns with her, exchanging positions.  Penetration may not be a showstopper.  Ass play sure as hell can be, though.  She eventually told us she wanted us to finish on her face.  I explained that I had been holding it in since we started.  I don’t think she believed me, because she said there would be a prize for whoever finished on her face first.  Time from challenge accepted to moneyshot: 38 seconds.

Responding to a Response

The Bro Bible once ran an article:

10 Signs Of How ‘Down To F**k’ A Girl Is…Just From What She’s Wearing

The article was removed from the Bro Bible after an article from the Huffington Post-Women went viral on facebook.  The Huffington Post’s article spread like glitter at a Ke$ha concert.  It was called:

“How To Tell If A Woman Is Down To Have Sex With You”

The Post’s article was the following:

“ASK HER.

A woman’s clothing or jewelry or level of intoxication can’t tell you anything about whether she’s ‘down to f**k.’ Only she can.

End. Of. Story.”

I’m going to just dismiss The Bro Bible.  Outside of practically embodying some of the most negative ethos of rape culture, there is only one true source for bro wisdom.  The ass-hats responsible for the Bro Bible’s post are easy enough to shrug away.  The Huffington Post, on the other hand, got under my skin and I wanted to address their article.

Firstly, let me do that thing where I check my privilege.  As a white, educated, mostly-employed, vaguely-heterosexual male; I’ve got more privilege than Gaston has biceps.  That being said, I know many people would dismiss my opinions on women’s consent.  As a rebuff of the Bro Bible, the Post squashed them so bad that the article was pulled.  However, I do feel like The Post is also guilty of publishing a misleading idea about what is and is not consent.

Of course, no means no.  But there is a library of other tells that also mean no.  Sometimes, even “yes” means no.

A common enough issue is that consent is indeterminate in shape and varies depending on the consenter.  While asking if you can touch could mean standing consent for everything from cunnilingus to scat-play with one partner, asking if you can touch could very well mean just touching with another.  And while it may seem tedious to have to ask:
“Miss, may I kiss you?” “Miss, may I fondle your breasts?” “Miss, I’d like to kiss your breasts now, is that okay?”
Doing this still isn’t as tedious as a consent debacle.  Especially when it’s your first time with a partner, it’s fantastically better to get too much consent than not enough.

Another obvious scenario when verbal consent isn’t actually consent is when alcohol is involved.  But I would amend that to include any scenario where a potential sexual partner doesn’t have their head on straight.  This extends to judgement-impairing drugs like Adderall, Molly, and 4Loko.  Just because they give you consent, doesn’t mean you should take it.

If you ask first and they say something like “As surely as the lizard queens have bestowed their many succulent powers unto me, I will usher you into the garden of sexual delights”.  Obviously, you shouldn’t let them.  But if you even get the feeling that someone is a little off, it’s your responsibility to not take them to the bedroom.  Not because you might go to jail.  Statistically speaking, you probably wouldn’t go to jail if you raped a stone-cold sober person.  We don’t take intoxicated people to the bedroom because to do so would be taking advantage of a fellow human being, which is fundamentally damaging to the self.

Granted, you might be going to bed with someone who is plastered drunk, but also your spouse of some years.  In that case, assumed consent is a safer bet.  This ties in to the next problem with getting verbal consent.  Do you know them well enough that you trust their consent?  While you may feel like you know, it’s impossible to tell for certain.  You can have more faith in a person’s verbal consent based on your experiences with them.

This is a big reason I really fail to have try to never have sex on the first date.  When I’m first meeting someone, it’s hard for me to understand them well enough to know they really want me.  This is a very unfortunate symptom of living in a world where women are cultured to not say no.  Plenty of girls are pressured from a young age to be people pleasers first.  People pleasers have a very hard time saying no.  For a lot of them, they imagine saying yes to something they don’t want is easier than refusing it.

Our world has become a hot mess because we’ve created a culture where women are commonly the gatekeepers of sex, and rarely the initiators.  This monkeywrenches the gears because the people who most often start the action are most often the worst judges of it.  This is like letting the Indy 500 get started by one of the race car drivers…chosen at random, wearing a blindfold, and using a gun loaded with live ammunition.  So guys, we’ve got to tread carefully.

Personally, I feel the Huffington Post got it wrong.  Not as wrong as the Bro Bible, but here’s a real answer to the question.

How to tell if a woman wants to have sex with you: You can never be 100% sure.  Tough luck, dudes.

Obviously, ask first.  Ask early.  Ask often.  But whenever things are getting physical, you’re rolling the dice.  You’re putting a lot of yours on the table, including your reputation as a man who respects women.  Your putting a lot of hers on the table when you roll the dice too.  Don’t get me wrong, the prize is worth the gamble…as long as the odds are good.

Good odds come from things like getting enthusiastic verbal consent.  Good odds come from things like getting enthusiastic verbal consent two or three times.  Good odds come from a partner you trust, and one who trusts you too.  Good odds come from things like safewords, and sobriety, and ignoring the advice of people who tell you consent comes solely from anything…including affirmation.

Erotolalia

I remember the first time a partner asked me to talk dirty.  I didn’t know what the hell to say.  Here I was, the proud author of a whole moleskine of angsty teen poetry, and I couldn’t even muster the words to tell someone how bad I wanted to fuck them.  How embarrassing.

When I finally scrounged up the courage, I regurgitated a few standard lines I’d heard in porno about how I thought she was soooo hoooot.  I told her that she made me hooooorny.  I told her I liked how she made me haaaaard.  Then, I don’t know why, but I said some silly-ass shit that I don’t even want to look at while I’m writing this, so you can highlight it to read what I said to the sweet older woman who took in a young man and broke his chatter-cherry:
|“Tell me you like my hard cock.  Yeah, tell me it’s as hard as a…uh…as hard as a…carrot.”|

This kind of newbie fumbling is surprisingly common from what I’ve heard.  So unfortunately, in the rare occasion that somebody finds the chutzpah to try it, they often get too embarrassed to give it a second go.  Just like surfing or buttsex, some people have such a bad experience on their first try that they never get to know the real joys of exploring it once you’ve had some practice.

Getting practiced can seem very daunting.  But it’s not as scary as it may seem.  50 Shades of Grey was on the best seller list for 50 weeks straight.  And it’s not like E.L. James had an accomplished career as a writer or a supernatural command of language that kept it there.  Hell, people even tell me that I make a decent showing with indecent verbiage.  If you’re not sure what kind of language gets people’s jimmies rustled, check out literotica’s top voted stories.  Not to downplay it, I’ve been batin’ to Literotica since I used to visit on Netscape Navigator.  But when you read through these stories, it’s plain to see that you don’t need to be master of eroticism to say something that turns people on.

How Do I Start?

If you want to test your chops against an anonymous recipient, consider an anonymous chat client like omegle or chatroulette.  Many people freeze up and stay silent when they see another person and can’t practice.  If you’re communication is text-based, it gives you some drafting time to start building your sexy language abilities.  Because it’s an anonymous client, you also get the chance to embody a different persona for the conversation.  Consider playing a different gender/age/race/orientation.  Trying on the shoes of another persuasion also gives you a more complete understanding of human sexuality.  After you’re more comfortable, consider talking in-person with a partner!

Dirty talking is one of the safest kinks to explore with a partner.  It’s not like pegging or hook suspension where you can go too far too fast too easily.  But just because you won’t need a speculum to fix a mistake, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t talk about it beforehand.  Are they ready to hear you say something nasty?  Are they ready to return communique?  You can even make this chat part of the dirty talking!

Go over with your partner about things they like and don’t like for bedroom verbiage.  Is there something special they like calling you?  Master?  Boy?  Daddy?  Is there something special they like being called?  Mistress?  Slut?  Xena, Warrior Princess?

Clarification is good to prevent hiccups.  What is totally unacceptable to say outside the bedroom might be just what your partner wants to hear.  But it’s dangerous to assume that one inappropriate word is acceptable just because they accept another.

I had a partner once who loved getting bent over and called names.  I called them a filthy slut, a dirty whore. But when I experimented and used the B-word, the sex immediately halted and she turned back and shot me with a fearsome BKB (Read: Boner Killing Bitchface), and informed me that particular nomenclature would not be acceptable.

I hope she’s not reading this…

Ask them if they have any trigger words, good or bad.  What language do they like for anatomy?  They may be alright calling it a cunt, snatch or hole; but the word “pussy” might be unacceptable.  Let your partner know that you’re alright calling it a cock, dick, or shaft…but you’ve always liked when people call it MEGATRON.   What language do you both want for the act itself?  Bangin’?  Making love?  Riding the train to pound town?

After you’ve got a bead on what their ears are ready to receive, get an idea of what kind of communication they’re willing to deliver; or if they even want to deliver.  Like cunnilingus or cash tips; some people like dirty talking, but only when they’re on the receiving end.  One-sided dirty talking is fine, though.  Just like cunnilingus or cash tips, plenty of people find giving very gratifying on its own.

When Do I Start?

Dirty talking can come very naturally once you know how to start.  For me, sparking the fires starts in a number of different ways that are heavily context-sensitive.  If it’s first thing in the morning, I will wake my partner slowly by mentioning what I might have been dreaming about doing to them.  If we’re out together in public, I might whisper in their ear about some nearby corner where I would like to steal away and what debauchery might ensue.  If we’re just getting ready for bed, I would really like to tell them what I’ve been thinking about doing all day.

Ask your partners what they think about when they’re touching themselves.  Tell them what you think about when you do it.  It’s alright to give a little flattery fiction in this part of the foreplay.  If you’ve crafted a fantasy about them in your mind, tell them about it!  It may not be exactly what you’re thinking about when you’re batin’, but it’s still nice to hear your fantasies!  Even if you can only get off to the weird stuff, partners are glad to know you’ve considered them when treating yourself.

When you’re dirty talking though, make sure you are speaking clear and loud enough that your partner can hear.  It can be painfully awkward if you to ask to repeat.  And it can be painfully awkwarder to have to repeat.

Though it’s a fine vehicle for foreplay, dirty talking is more than just an opening ceremony.  It can even enhance the experience when you don’t say anything until you’re fucking so hard that the wallpaper starts peeling.

What Do I Say?

After you’ve established what does and does not rustle your partner’s jimmies, there is a broad palette to paint your soliloquy; so broad, it might be intimidating.  I prefer to narrow my focus to a specific theme to develop as the dirty talking blossoms.  Here are some winning strategies I’ve discovered and some examples I’ve delivered/experienced:

  1. Explain the Current Situation
    Simple and effective.  This is the bread and butter of dirty talking.  If you’re not sure how to start or how to sustain, you can always defer to this strategy.  Explain what is happening in as much graphic detail as you are capable.  Ava Devine, the “Lady in the Lake of Porn”, has practically built an entire career around this kind of dirty talking.
    EXAMPLES:
    “You’re fucking me so hard you’re making my titties bounce”
    “You’re taking every inch of my hard dick”
    “Your balls are slapping against me while you fuck my ass”
  2. Wish List
    One of the best ways to get what you want is to ask for what you want.  Maybe you’re begging for something.  Maybe you’re demanding something.  Or maybe you’re just explaining with colorful detail the exact circumstances of how you like to be pleased.  Communicating about your desires in the bedroom is an integral part of good sex.  Dirty talking can be a really fun vehicle for those conversations!
    EXAMPLES:
    “Please bend me over and fill up my hole”
    “Stick your pinky out when you do it and suck my dick like a lady”
    “Eat up my pussy like an ice cream cone”
  3. Assume your Role
    If you and your partner have a BDSM dynamic to your relationship, or you’re just doing a sexy roleplay; falling back on your characters will keep the conversation flowing.  You can bark orders if you are dominating.  You can declare your loyalty if you’re displaying submission.  You can just refer to your partner as the character they are playing in your roleplay.  This is a good way to anchor people in the fantasy.
    EXAMPLES:
    “Good kitty.  Don’t waste a drop”
    “I live to please my mistress”
    “I’ve always wanted to feel my brother’s hard cock!”
  4. Explain Who You/they Are
    While this certainly ties into roleplaying; sometimes, you’re not roleplaying.  There are plenty of meaningful and real positions that people have in each others lives that can be brought up.  Instead of anchoring your partner in a fantasy, this anchors them in the fantastic reality of the relationship that you already have.
    EXAMPLES:
    “I’m you’re good, little, private slut”
    “I know you like your hubby’s big, hard dick”
    “Fuck me, I’m your girl!”
  5. Speak a Different Language
    This is the diet coke of raceplay.  You may not be ready to wear a sombrero in the bedroom; but calling your boyfriend papi can still be really hot and naughty.  Even if it’s not necessarily your native language, it can make the encounter that much more exotic.  I had a recovering weaboo in the bedroom one time and I forced her to refer to me as senpai and say DESU DESU DESU DESU whenever she was climaxing.
    EXAMPLES:
    “Fais-moi grimper au rideau.” [French]
    “Fick mich schneller” [German]
    “Mapigo yako ni kiboko.” [Swahili]
  6. Praise Your Partner
    While you never want to compliment too much in a relationship, those rules go out the window when you’re bangin’.
    Lots of rules do.
    In that, you can’t spill enough language exalting your partner.  You can lay thick compliments about their body, their mind, their spirit, their skill.  It doesn’t necessarily even need to all be true.  If you’re comfortable with it, a little hyperbole goes a long way.
    EXAMPLES:
    “You’re so big, I won’t be able to walk straight later”
    “This ass is yours.  You deserve it.  Take it until you’re ready to let me taste a hot load of your cum”
    “You have such a cute little snatch, I love to watch my cock disappear into your beautiful bush”
  7. Degrade Your Partner
    Saying nice things is sweet.  Saying things that aren’t nice can be really fucking hot, though.  This one you’re definitely going to need to discuss beforehand.  While some people are really into getting put down, plenty of people are exceedingly selective about the levels of degradation they will accept.  At some point, degradation becomes insults and people can go from feeling really naughty to really shitty.  After you’ve discussed things, you can start exploring conversational dominance.
    EXAMPLES:
    “You’re such a dirty whore, you let me use up all your holes”
    “You were born to eat my pussy.  You should just quit your job”
    “Choke down this dick like a twinkie you fat slut”
  8. Prompt Them
    Just like regular conversations, I always prefer dirty talking with someone instead of at someone.  One of the easiest ways to play off each other is with a question/prompt.  Taking the initiative and engaging your partner is sometimes the only way to get them to start talking with you.  You can inquire about their current state and see if there is anything else they want you could indulge or maniacally disregard!  You could ask them to repeat after you.  You could beg them to say something to you.
    EXAMPLES:
    “Does my man like my tight, little cunt?”
    “Tell me you’re my fuck toy”
    “Who does this ass belong to?”

 

When Do I Stop?

When somebody drops the safeword, that means the dirty talking needs to clean up quick.  But even if they haven’t dropped the safeword, you can certainly adjust the levels of intensity depending on how they respond.  If you’re in the middle of a scene and they mention something about the language approaching territory where they feel uncomfortable, it’s easy enough to wind things back.

When you are done with a scene, sometimes it helps to take care of a partner without dirty talking them.  Sure, aftercare in character can be a good way to not suspend the encounter.  But sometimes, your partners might need to be brought out of the scene by breaking character.  One of the easiest ways to pull people out of the dirty-talking headspace is to refer to them by their name directly.

 

What Works for You?

The explorations above are just the tip of the dirty-talking iceberg.  These are just my experiences.  And I come from a very different place in my motivations for dirty talking.

Sometimes, I’m too lazy to give foreplay properly.  Enticing your partner’s body involves hands, fingers, tongues and a brain that’s willing to orchestrate all of that in the correct order and tempo.  Working people up is work!

Thankfully, there is an avenue for foreplay that caters to my sensitivities as a sloth.  They always say that the mind is the biggest sex organ.  If I can stimulate that without even having to move, I might do that first thing in the morning instead of slopping my groggy face into some half-assed BJ to get my partner ready.  And getting myself talking stimulates my biggest sex organ to boot.

What are your reasons for wanting to talk dirty?  What are some things that people have said that turned you on?  Turned you off?

Post your responses in the comments below!

Long Live the Quean

snapshot (2)

Sometimes, I tie my girlfriend up and fuck other girls in front of her.  I do this because I’m a feminist.

Stick with me on this one…

In the realm of subbing, there is the common practice of cuckoldry.  Cuckoldry  is a sexual fetish in which a male sub is stimulated by their gal having sex with another man (this other man is called the “bull”).  As a man of feminist ideals though, I don’t see this as something that only men can have.  Actually, the practice of doing this to a female bottom already exists and it’s called Cuckqueaning.  Cuckqueaning is a pretty delightful blend of non-monogamy, teasing, and humiliation play.  If both parties are keen on a cocktail with those three ingredients, you can mix like mad!

I’ve had a longstanding relationship with a wonderful woman who likes to be cucked.  If you’re still figuring out whether or not you would like to cuck (or be cucked by) your partner, hopefully these musings will rustle your nest in the right direction.

Why the Cuck?

Tons of reasons.  As a male top, there’s a lot of emotions you can invoke when you ‘force’ your partner to watch you fucking someone else:

  • Uninvited
    It’s that feeling that you get when you were in gym class and everyone else was getting picked for a team before you.  Remember those feelings of helplessness and shame?  Those come into play hard when cucking.  If you don’t remember those feelings because you were always picked first, then fuck you.
  • Spectator Sport
    Outside of the feelings of degradation, there are some great feelings of voyeurism for the sub to explore and exhibitionism for the dom and his lady-bull.  Also, a woman (ideally) finds her partner sexy enough to want to watch them performing sexually.  It’s like watching a live action porno with people you already like!
  • Fair-Weather Bisexuality
    An FMF threesome is a good way for a girl who is a 1 on the Kinsey Scale to see if she’s a 2 or 3.  Cuckqueaning is a good way for her to see if she’s even a 1.  After she sees how she feels about sharing a room with another lady during a sexual encounter, she can see about sharing more.
  • Hyper-Compersion
    A sub can feel like she is servicing her top by letting another girl please him.  Especially if she arranged or helped arrange the liaisons, there can be a sense of satisfaction from treating her dom, as well as treating the third party involved.
  • Girl Power
    As I mentioned before, the male-focused cuckoldry is distinctly more popular than cuckqueaning.  Cuckqueaning is an avenue for women to occupy a conventionally male space.

If any of this has piqued you and your partner’s interest and you would like to explore it, there are some avenues for that!

The Setup

Setting up a cuckqueanery is similar enough to arranging an FMF threesome.  Be sensitive to the differences between these two orchestrations, though:

  1. This affair borders on group-sex, kink, and polyamory.  In that respect, a potential third could be found in any of these communities.
  2. The girl you’re looking for doesn’t have to be sexually interested in girls.  As long as she’s interested in being watched by another girl, you’ll do fine.
  3. Like exploring any new fetish, discuss limits and safewords with everyone involved beforehand.  While a sub may be alright being ‘forced’ to watch a different girl riding her dom like a mechanical bull, the same sub might be very unexcited by the idea of her dom bending another girl over in front of her.  Make sure everyone has had a chance to resolve any hesitations.  And when you finally make that maiden voyage, be ready to slow down and/or stop if there are any issues during the event.

The Execution

Once all the pieces are in place, there’s a number of different ways to optimize your experience.

  1. Employ Bondage
    Strap them up to a chair so they can’t go anywhere.  Force them to watch (Eye speculum optional).  Or force them to turn away and only hear the moans and slapping noises.  If the sub is to be released, this can be done slowly.  After she puts up with the foreplay, give the sub a hand that she can use to treat herself.
  2. Talk Smack
    If the sub is into verbal abuse, this is a brilliant opportunity to talk some shit.  The guy could talk about how much tighter the new girl feels, the lady-bull can comment on how good it feels to be the one girl he’s taking.
  3. Serfs Up
    Service subs can always be put to work.  The sub can help by holding the hitachi in place, wiping the sweat off her man’s forehead, operating the camera and recording the event on video.  At the end, she can remove the condom and dispose of it.  Or she can be made to clean up the moneyshot with a paper towel…or her tongue.
  4. All that Jizz
    I’ve talked before about all the neat things couples can do with a man’s ejaculate.  You can really expand on that when you’re cuckqueaning.  Most guys only get one, so the sub is going to want that.  The sub might be acclimated to causing it and/or receiving it.  This desire can be warped and twisted into a form of subjugation.  Milk a used condom into the sub’s mouth, finish into the lady-bull’s mouth and have her spit it in the sub’s face.  If the lady-bull and dom are fluid-bonded, there can even be a creampie dessert for the sub to eat the literally sloppy seconds.
  5. Shove it in their face
    While having sex in front of a sub is a good way to ‘force’ them to watch, doms can be more aggressive in forcing this voyeurism.  A sub can be grabbed by the hair and have their face placed inches from where the penetration is happening.  The dom can fingerblast the lady-bull and then force the sub to smell it.

Ultimately, I’ve always been fond of cuckqueaning a sub from a social justice perspective.  In the realm of sexual paraphilias there are vastly more men into cuckoldry then there are women into its opposite (The ratio of subscribers in Reddit’s related communities is 25,350 : 5021).  This ties into the naughty=hot-as-fuck paradigm which is one of the truest mantras of sexuality.  I believe the reason there are more fans of cuckoldry is because cuckqueaning is simply much less taboo.

When a woman is nonmonogamous with other men, we call her a whore and she’s stoned to death in certain parts of the world.  When a man is nonmonogamous with other women; people generally just shake their heads in disapproval or it’s because he is a bigamist in certain parts of the world.  In our society, it’s almost expected that all men will have a failure of fidelity.  In that respect, it’s not nearly as inappropriate for a man to be with another woman.  Because cuckqueaning is ‘merely’ male infidelity, there’s less of a following.

I’m not even particularly ravenous to cuck my partner.  If I put the effort into arranging to be in the bedroom causing some shenanigans with two women, ideally they’ll both be directly involved.  In that, cuckqueaning is less satisfying than a threeway, but I still love it.  I love cuckqueaning primarily because I want to live in a world where it’s as inappropriate for a man to be unfaithful as it is for a woman.

Have you ever been queaned?  Wanted to be queaned?  Had some success queaning?  Leave your experiences in the comments below!

 

PS

Also, I use the term lady-bull because I didn’t find ‘cow’ quite as fitting.  I’m also open to hearing the preferred nomenclature for this…

Follow Pilot Precise on WordPress.com