Womanizing Your Apartment

I really try to make sure a girl doesn’t regret going home with me.  Making my apartment a little less regrettable is square one in that effort.  Sure, keeping my dirty laundry in a hamper, my filthy dishes in the sink, and my bedsheets absent of mysterious stains is generally enough to keep those regrets at bay; there’s so much more to having a functioning home that will keep the ladies coming back for more of my company.

Like most live-alone bachelors, I don’t have a lot of essentials that a woman would find at one of her girl’s places.  So before all women figure out the benefits of lesbian relationships, let’s take this room-by-room and I’ll tell you some of the most successful additions I’ve made to my apartment to give the fairer sex a reason to visit again.

The Bathroom

If it’s the end of the date, your gal might ask to use your washroom before she goes home.  If you’re bathroom looks amenable to her, she might consider it better to crash at your place than trek home.  Here are some additions I’ve made to keep those considerations considerable:

  1. Femenine Products
    Plenty of girls keep extras of their preferred products in their purse.  If there’s no backup, though, they might be less likely to stay the night away from their rations back home.  While keeping a spare reusable femenine product is certainly environmentally friendly, I doubt every girl you bring home wants to share the same Diva Cup.  I recommend keeping both disposable pads and tampons visible in your bathroom.  For the tampons, Pearl (with an applicator) generally works for everyone in a pinch and is available at most stores.  If you wanna go the extra mile on her cycle, keep some Motrin visible next to the boxes.
  2. Wet Naps
    When a gal says she’s going to “freshen up”, she’s hoping a guy has some of these.  She might use these to wipe the excitement out of her crevasses before taking things to the bedroom and it couldn’t hurt for you to do the same.  Sometimes, they’ll need to freshen up after sex too(esp. if there’s some menstruation and/or backdooring).  And if they don’t have time to go home before work the next day, they can use these to give themselves a field-shower (also known by the less sensitive term “Whore Bath“, guess why).  Unscented Wet Ones (or some legit makeup removal wipes if you wanna score extra points) are also great to have for getting her makeup off before bed so that she doesn’t leave a Pollock painting on the pillow.
  3. A Lined Trash Can with a Lid
    If they are using your wet naps and spare tampons, you better believe your trash can is getting filled with some second-hand womanhood.  A plastic bag will stop things from sticking to the bottom.  A can with a lid will spare your gal the ordeal of having to bury her used products under piles of tissue and toilet paper rolls only to be unearthed the morning after when your dog sniffs into your trash bin and tears the refuse out into a million twisted, brown-red shreds in your kitchen.  And many girls find their used products unsightly, so it’s best to have a lid cover that.
  4. UTI Care
    Of the many benefits there are to being a guy, one is the lack of urinary tract infections.  Most guys go their whole lives without getting one.  On the other hand, 50-60% of women have experienced these painful episodes.  The extra kicker is that UTIs are most commonly caused by having sex.  Given that we’re almost certainly implicit in the infection, so to does the responsibility of treatment fall on the guy’s shoulders.  Invest in some cranberry pills and some AZO (or the store brand urinary pain relief pills) for your lady to limit the physical pain she has reminding her of fucking you.
  5. Hair Care
    As a short-haired guy; I have no need for a hairbrush, curling iron, blow dryer, or bobby pins; but I still have them.  While I used to spike my hair pretty fierce, I haven’t needed any Aqua Net in a long time, but still have it.  I’m sure some girls might wonder why I keep all these things in my bathroom.  But for every one girl that’s wondering, there are 10 girls thanking me for saving their aesthetic for the day.
  6. Miscellaneous Spare Toiletries
    Just like a hotel gives away, keep some items on hand you’re okay throwing away after use.  Here’s what I keep: contact lens cases & solution, toothbrushes, razors, chapstick, safety pins (for bra malfunctions), nail polish (for stocking malfunctions).

The Bedroom

Where the magic happens.  Generally, if they’ve agreed to join me here, I feel like the hard work is already done.  But I could still get hung up on something trivial that will disrupt the romantic flow.  To keep your love machine well oiled, consider making some of the following investments:

  1. Hair Ties
    Most guys don’t understand this struggle.  I’ve sucked plenty of cock and I didn’t understand until I tried doing it while wearing a trashy wig.  It’s hard to slob knob like a lady when your constantly pulling hair out of your mouth.  Certainly a gentleman could hold the hair up for you.  But holding a bun in place tethers your cocksucker, inhibiting their ability to perform fellatio with complete freedom.  Next time you’re at the general store, get a pack of 100, keep them in your bedroom next to the bed so you don’t even need to get up to enhance your BJ!
  2. Spare Chargers
    It’s real easy to have a walk of shame when your phone is dead and you need to get home with nothing to do but think about what happened last night and how visible it is on your person.  But if your phone is full of juice, that walk of shame becomes a triumphant posting of selfies about having the “Best night ever!  Still recovering! #YOLO”
    Have a spare MiniUSB charger for any of your android-using partners, and try to have one of the many different iPhone chargers if for whatever reason you want to cater to the Mac crowd.
  3. Non-Latex Condoms
    Missing some accouterments or other may slow down or choke up the flow of love making.  But if you’re partner has a latex allergy, missing safe sex alternatives will bring your night to a screeching, blue-balled halt.  Invest in a a pack of Polyisoprene, polyeurethane, or lambskin condoms just in case.
  4. Lube
    I know Ronda Rousey said “If you need lube, then you’re being lazy”.  But if she was so smart, then Holm wouldn’t have knocked her the fuck out.  While good foreplay is the cheapest lube, there are plenty of reasons to lube up other than “being lazy”!  Some girls aren’t as naturally wet as others.  And I don’t care how much foreplay you do, you always grease up if you’re going to be backdooring someone.  Keep the lube within arms reach.  And if all possible, get a pump action bottle so that you don’t have to fumble getting the lid open/close.  Buy as much as you might end up using in a year.  Though there’s never an expiration date on lube, experts reccomend about a year before disposal, depending on what kind of lube…
  5. A Towel
    After you grease up your pecker and you’re ready to fuck on all cylinders, you don’t want that slippery and sticky hand to go staining your sheets and ruining your partners hair.  Rub it off on a nearby towel!
    You’re girl on the rag?  Don’t let her cycle turn your bed into a scene from Dexter.  Lay a towel down!
    Just shoot the biggest load of all time onto your partner’s tits/ass/face/feet/cat?  Be a gentleman and reach for a nearby towel to clean up your mess.
    There’s a reason that the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy considers this to be “the most massively useful thing“.  Keep a CLEAN towel near the bed for emergencies!
  6. Hitachi Magic Wand
    Considered by many to be the excalibur of sex toys.  That is in no way an overstatement.  I’ve had girls who were prepared to be dissapointed by all the hype be pleasantly surprised before they wiped the drool from their mouths and started eating that crow.

The Kitchen

My mornings are built in my kitchen.  I build my date’s morning in the kitchen too.  These are my construction tools:

  1. Disposable Coffee Cups
    Being a gentleman and fixing coffee/tea for your gal pal first thing in the morning is a great way to make her feel welcome and appreciated.  If you fix her a cup for the road in a disposable cup with a lid, she’ll be feeling them feels even after she leaves.
  2. Easy Breakfasts
    If you’re sending your gal out with a to-go coffee, you might as well send her with a nutri-grain/cliff-bar/pop-tart/other handheld snack.  These are also great if you need to leave before she does.  On your way out, give her a kiss and tell her to help herself!
  3. Chocolate
    I’m tempted to put this under “feminine products”, but I keep this menstrual aid in the kitchen.
  4. Cold Water Bottle
    It doesn’t have to be name-brand bottled water, but a filled nalgene in the fridge is exactly what you’re both going to want after you’re done with a heart-pumping, high-energy fuckspree.

That’s all I can think of with big thanks to the women in my life for adding some of their insights.  Gals, is there anything you wish guys would have at their places?  If so, post them in the comments for all the aspiring bachelors to put on their grocery list!

Growing Fetishes

“the bleak light of full adulthood, which is to one’s early twenties as Sunday morning is to Saturday night”
-Neal Stephenson, Snow Crash

There’s plenty I’ve found myself more interested in as I’ve grown older:  Lingerie, pegging, The Dave Matthews Band.  Similarly, the partners I’ve had for many years have also developed as we’ve grown together.  They too adopt new fetishes and quirks, though nothing as weird as The Dave Matthews Band.  That’s pretty much just me.

While these quirks certainly vary strongly between the partners I’ve had, there is one fetish of which I’ve found more and more of the female partners I’ve had have been particularly fond: the creampie fantasy.

It might be as simple as the pleasure of forbidden fruits.  Maybe it’s a reclamation of the historical use of impregnation as a tool of female oppression.  Or maybe we’re all just getting a little older and parenthood is becoming something that scares us in a good way.  Whatever the reason, just like Game of Thrones or Fifth Harmony, pretending to knock a girl up is what’s hot right now.

Note, I said “pretending”.  Safe sex no more mutually exclusive with an impregnation fantasy than consent is with a rape roleplay.  I’ve done the impregnation roleplay while wearing condoms, with partners using an IUD, I’ve even had an impregnation roleplay with a transwoman.  I discuss the matter beforehand, establish whatever parameters please both parties, and we forge ahead with an everpresent consideration of each other and have never had an issue.

It’s a high risk roleplay, though.  You’re playing with the concept of maternity.  Which is a Freudian slippery slope.  If we were using the rating system I employed in my article about roleplays, I would rank this one as an R-Rated roleplay.  At least.  I think that’s why it’s been received so well.  It’s just so impossibly naughty…

Like many of my partners, I grew up with a stock of middle and upper-middle class white youths.  For many of us in the progressive generation, we weren’t raised to be afraid of sex.  We were raised to be afraid of babies.  The parents of our generation made sure we knew their regrets about having us.

Of course, our parents are one generation deeper into the widespread use of pregnancy to subjugate and indenture women.  With the expanding recognition of these acts, there too is coming the expanding fetishization of them.  Just like 1950s household or Burlesque, our newfound understanding of the sordid history makes it wet with unacceptability.  It’s no coincidence that all of the partners who have enthusiastically taken to this fetish are also Steinem-reading, patriarchy-fighting, self-identified feminists.

In addition to feminism, the other trend that’s popular with my partners is aging.  We’re not old yet, but we’re getting to the age where we’re expected to continue propagating the species.  And in this bleak light of full adulthood, there is something satisfying about the feeling of giving in to the societal pressure.  I won’t deny that it’s a little liberating when immerse myself in the toxic masculinity that is dripping from the affectations of me being “dominant” in the bedroom.

I am become patriarchy, destroyer of wombs.

Don’t get your Dworkins in a twist, though.  Just like condoms, feminism too is not mutually exclusive with this roleplay.  I can only imagine the struggles of the average woman who identifies as feminist and submissive, so I don’t want to miss an opportunity to remind them that you can be both.  And the feminist/submissive dichotomy is no less false than the conventional one drawn between virgin/whore.

Be both.  Say the nasty shit.

Get the nasty shit said to you.

It’s more prevalent than you might imagine.  Reddit has 11 forums dedicated to the subject, two of which are personals, totalling 140,242 subscribed readers.  And that’s just in the public forums, of which the three most popular (are NSFW and) are:

  • r/breeding – 26,514 Readers
    This forum is sort of a catch-all for any media/literature of or relating to the subject.
  • r/cuckoldpregnancy – 7,714 Readers
    Which is directed to the act of humiliating submissives with having their partners sharing a child with a third, outside party.  While there certainly are a few posts dedicated to cuckqueaning and also whitebreeding a female person of color.  The most common post is for “blackbreeding” a white woman with an extramarital black male (or “bull” to use the technical language).
  • r/inbreeding – 4,616 Readers
    This subreddit goes with the tagline “When just fucking your family isn’t enough”.  What a pointed commentary!  If you’re already having one of the most taboo fetishes on the market, why not go the extra weird mile?
    In for a penny, in for a pound…

Reddit is a fine platform for getting your hands on literature and some images on the subject.  While they do have videos, the champion of getting internet porn videos for free is the searching feature behind porn torrenting websites.  These have been meticulously and methodically designed to satisfy perverts with very specific proclivities.  I groomed all the tags relevant to the topic and found a total of 362 videos!  Of the top tags concerning these fetishes, here’s a list with the number of tagged videos:

 

Tag(s) Videos Available
“Impregnation” 247
“Impregnation Fantasy” 115
“Breeding” 70
“Blackbred” 11
“Black.Bred” 7
“Black.Breeding” 5
“Bred.By.Black” “Insemination” 4
“Wifebreeding”, “Wifebreeder”, “Inseminated”, “Impreg” 3
“Wife.Breeders”, “Breed”, “Blackbred.com”, “Forced.Impregnation” 2
“Implied.Impregnation”, “Blrackbred”, “Breedingwhore”, “Interracial.Breeding”, “Reluctant.Breeding”, “Reluctant.Impregnation”, “Forced.Breeding”, “Bred.By.Blacks” 1

Note: plenty of the videos in this stock fall into several, if not most, of these categories.

In total, we’re looking at 362 separate videos that are all directed towards an impregnation fetish.  To put that in perspective, it’s not as common as videos tagged with fetishes like “Emo” (429 videos) or “Anal.Beads” (465 videos).  It’s almost as popular as spectacles like “ass.to.ass” (364 videos); marginally more popular than fetishes like “Medical” (358 videos) or  “wrestling” (360 videos).  And it’s distinctly more common than videos tagged with fetishes like “Tickling” (255 videos) or “Nipple.Torture” (253 videos).

Of the representative videos tagged in the impregnation fetish, the most downloaded are:
5.  Veruca James – Virtual Sex Creampie (142 Seeds)
4.  Alex Chance – Brothers and Sisters (154 Seeds)
3.  Taylor Mitchell – Real Amateur Hotwife & Interracial Cuckold  (175 Seeds)
2.  Princess Leia – Party Girl Had Daddy Impregnate Her (207 Seeds)
1.  Lady Fyre – Mom Made Me Impregnate Aunt Mallory (441 Seeds)

Clearly, inbreeding is the most commonly shared video on the subject.  But interracial cuckoldry is in a very powerful third place.  Just barely in the top 5 would be the fine performance of Veruca James, which is a story of a deceptive girl who lures her boyfriend into using sabotaged condoms so that she gets pregnant because she is excited about the idea of having his abortion.

I’ll bet you thought the one that wasn’t about incest or cuckoldry was gonna be a little more normal, didn’t you?

False.

Given the usually direct correlation between how sexy something is and how unacceptable it is, don’ t be afraid to let your freak flag fly.  Sure, I’ve proposed this roleplay to a few girls who were not interested.  But accepting a refusal is easy enough to do, that it’s worth at least offering if you’re interested.

As for the execution of the roleplay, here’s a list of winning strategies I’ve found for the engagement:

  1. Suspend the Disbelief
    Don’t let them see you put the condom on.  Sure, they’ll know you’re wearing one.  But there’s something exciting about not knowing that your partner is wearing one.  Like good practical special effects at the movies.  I know it’s only a model, but I forget when I’m not reminded.
  2. Talk Some Shit
    Even if you were legitimately having unprotected sex for the explicit purpose of procreation, you wouldn’t know if you were successful for at least a week.  So the only way to make it real (or ‘real’ in the case of a roleplay) is for the verbal exchange to happen.  Use some graphic language with phrases like “knock me up” or “make me a mom”.  You can even get extra gritty with nigh-agricultural phrases like “you’re my fertile, little breed mare”.
  3. Find out What You Like About It
    This should be the first step before exploring any kink really.  Do you like the idea of having something of your partner’s put into you?  Do you like the idea of owning your partner from the inside?  There are a lot of different places you could take this kink and finding out what direction will really help guide you to a place you really dig.

Have you ever tried an impregnation roleplay?  What was the scenario?  Got any winning lines you like to say/hear?  Any good videos you’d recommend for people who’re interested?

Down with OPP

For conventional dating, the three word phrases that usually send people running are “I love You” and “Ass to Mouth”.  In the world of nonmonogamy, there is a different three words that go bump in the night:

One Penis Policy

The OPP; also known as polygyny, hareming, or the “Highlander-Cock Rule”.  I’m talking about the relationship style that is a form of a cis-heterosexual coupling that is non-monogamous.  The stipulation to their non-monogamy being that while the man is allowed to have whatever outsider partners he likes, his female partner may only have relations with other women.

You might have known some people with an OPP (One Penis Policy), you might have even been one of those couples.  I know I was.

It was when I was a young, scared, and still recovering from being a monogamist.  And fuck me running if it didn’t make me feel secure to adopt a lifestyle that’s incidentally one of the most desired male fantasies in existence.  As a crutch, having an OPP eased me into polyamory just fine.  But now that I’ve spread my wings (and have them tested regularly), I can fly free in the winds of non-exclusivity and I look back on where I came from and see the real issues with it.  Firstly and simply, it’s not fair to the woman in the relationship.  It’s also dismissive of the connections that are built between women.  Ultimately though, it’s not really a necessary step to being truly open with each other.

Being truly open relies on being fair.  It relies on having a realistic understanding of the expectations you have for your partner.  I encourage guys to try playing with their own asshole before they try anal with their girlfriend.  I encourage guys to try body waxing before they expect brazillians.  It’s good to know what it’s like to be on the receiving end before you buy a pretense.  In this case, I’m talking about being on the receiving end of somebody else’s nonmonogamy with a heterosexual partner.

While some guys might feel like the only way they could be nonmonogamous and secure is if their girlfriend was with another woman.  If that’s the case for you, you’re letting your greed and insecurity undermine your partner’s pursuit of happiness; which fundamentally opposes nearly all the virtues of polyamory.  And to tack it onto the historical practice of polygyny as a tool for female oppression, the OPP has no place in modern polyamory.  Modern polyamory is also feminist polyamory.  Modern polyamory cannot exist in a space where men are explicitly given liberties not also offered to women.

To be blunt, the OPP is misogynist.

To be extra blunt, the OPP is misogynist and homophobic.

Having the policy doesn’t make you Jerry Falwell, but it does dismiss the legitimacy of connections built in the absence of heterosexuality.  I didn’t feel like I was being homophobic when I was doing it.  Hell, I felt like I was a champion of the queer movement for allowing my partner to indulge her bisexual desires.  I fancied myself to be the great liberator, imparting my superior male blessings upon her playful acts of want and carnality.

Like I said, I was young.  Did I say stupid?  I was stupid too…

The OPP is not an ally of the queer movement.  It’s quite the opposite.  It’s tantamount to telling your partner:

“I’m possessive of you and feel threatened by the idea of seeing you build a heterosexual connection.  I recognize that you are more secure in our relationship, and can abide the limitations I am neglecting to extend also to myself.  Because I consider homosexual relations between women to be novel and trivial, I will allow them.”

The OPP fundamentally relies on the idea that a sapphic encounter is somehow not “real sex.”

I assure you, it is.  And girls can be just as territorial and possessive as boys when it comes to romance.  So if there’s a worry that a another man will somehow upstage the relationship dynamic, then a real solution is to avoid nonmonogamy altogether.  If you’re new to nonmonogamy, set whatever boundaries make you feel comfortable.  But I implore newbies to avoid having a long term OPP.

Even if you don’t have an official OPP, you’ll probably end up with a de-facto OPP.  For several of my partners, I have been their only male partner.  It’s not because I’ve established a set of rules preventing anything otherwise.  It’s because of an underlying truth about modern courtship:

Dating guys sucks.

Trust me, I’ve done it.  There’s a reason I’m on the straighter end of bisexual.  There are lots of reasons, actually.  Women don’t mind taking things slowly.  Women are more willing to talk about their feelings.  Women are self lubricating.  My partners and I have mostly dated women simply because it’s generally a much more pleasant experience.  Making a policy for it is unnecessary and functions only to perpetuate the marginalizing of women and queers.

If you’re a standup guy, then you’ve set the bar for the quality of gentleman that your lady will desire.  Lesser basic bros will be turned away by her having a confident man in her life.  If there’s a worry that being open to other men will somehow invite the creepers to start making their advances, I can understand that.  But for those of us who have seen the modern dating market, we know that creepers will make their advances regardless of how your relationship is identified.  Even if the man in a given relationship was out of the picture, and the woman was on the dating market as an asexual lesbian only looking for distance partners, she would still be accosted by straight male creepers.  She’d also probably get accosted by couples with an OPP…

Anybody here ever have an OPP?  How did it go for you?  Post in the comments!

How Many

When I was 12-years-old, we had a special presentation at school.  The teacher called two kids up to the front.  She called up Gary because he was her favorite and she called up me, because I might fall asleep if she didn’t.  She gave us a bag of Cheetos each and we scarfed them down like the ravenous tweens we were.  Then she poured us both a glass of water but told us not to drink it.  She told me to put the water in my mouth and swirl it around before I spit it back into the glass.  She had Gary hold up his glass of clean water and asked the class who would drink that water.  There were confused looks of consent all around.  Then she had me hold up my glass of chunky pale-orange cloudy water and asked who would rather drink this water.  There was a resounding disapproval.  Some kids audibly gagged, others simply let out a disturbed wimper.  When the noises died down, the whole class had a look of softened disgust.

This was my first ever class in sexual education.

Flash forward to last night’s pillow talk.  New person – we’ve spent some nights together, and we finally start feeling each other out conversationally.  We get to the subject of previous sexual partners.  We’re still green, but they end up asking the question:

“how many?”

While guys are known for often exaggerating numbers involving sexuality, I prefer to play an honest game.  We haven’t known each other that long, but I imagine my date’s picked up on that.  I inquire if they actually want to know the number.  I’m curious if they’re ready for the answer.  I want them to be confronted with the idea that this one number might change their opinion of my quality as a partner.  And be ready for an answer they may not like.  I’ll fudge my opinions when my gal asks me how their hair looks first thing in the morning, but I’m not going to fudge a number.

how many?”

This isn’t a number like my age, which is fluctuating, but consistent.  This isn’t my pants size, which would go down if I just stopped eating at Culvers.  And this isn’t a number that’s pretty much set, like the number of Y chromosomes I have.  They were asking me a very specific number concerning a very sensitive part of my life.  This is like asking somebody how many funerals they’ve ever attended.

I lied.

I said a thousand.  While I’m certain there are plenty of people who wouldn’t be lying when they said that, I gather my date got the joke.  We giggle and I ask them why they want to know.  Are they afraid that I’m somehow riddled with disease?  Are they imagining I’m bound to have at least one psychotic ex if I’ve had that many?  Are they worried they won’t seem as special with someone who’s had more than the average?

They tell me they’re just curious.

how many?”

I tell them the truth.  I can tell it’s not as much as they were afraid of.  I can tell it’s more than they’re used to.  I’ve answered this question before.  It gets easier to answer every time, but it’s hard to shake a sense of shame that’s been groomed into me since I was 12 years old holding up a glass of dirty water in front of a class that looks disgusted.  That’s how it feels whenever somebody asks.

how many?

Finding a New Deen

In the wake of the numerous allegations of assault being charged against James Deen, many of us have lost our infatuation the golden boy of modern adult media.  Deen was on track to dethrone Ron Jeremy as the most well-known male actor.  And Jeremy has been doing a lot more than just sitting on that throne for many years now.

For many of us, finding the right porno to watch can be a daunting task.  It’s like the first day of school after you get your meal in the cafeteria, then you need to decide where to sit.  James Deen was like that kid that you knew just well enough that if you ever saw him at a table, you knew that you could sit next to him talking about pokemon cards.  He may not have been in your clique, but he always said hi to you in the hallway and if you ever got partnered up for a group project, he wouldn’t let you down.

But after everything that’s happened, he’s like that kid that you sat next to in a bathroom stall one time and you heard some really awful, guttural noises coming from the other side.  Now every time you see him, all you can do is see what you imagined happening on the other side of that stall.  You see tooth-gritting-fist-clenching deuce dropping.  You may not know exactly what transpired, but what you heard makes you not want to eat around him ever again.

So too goes James Deen.  Regardless of his previous accomplishments for adult media and feminism, I can’t shake the numerous accusations against him and enjoy his work.

And now begins the search for the new male adult star that will take our hearts doggy-style and not make stupid faces when he finishes.  As I consider myself a connoisseur of the art of pornography, I have some recommendations.  So with no further ado, in no particular order, and with tightening pants, I present:

10 Male Actors Who Could
Become Porn’s New Frontman

  1. Derrick Pierce:
    DerrickPierceHe has an outstanding resume with the people at Kink.com as well as playing villains in many XXX superhero spoofs (including playing a very good DP scene).  While he may commonly play a top-heavy dom in kink scenes, he sticks around for aftercare scenes and seems like a real sweetheart.
  2. Christian XXX
    ChristianXXXWhile he originally performed gay porn under the name “Maxxx Diesel”, he has since transitioned to doing straight scenes in addition to his previous work.  In doing this, he is actually standing up for bi/pansexual performers.  There are female performers who have refused to work with him because his is not heterosexual.  He carries it just fine, giving and receiving from many genders, even those identifying as non-binary.
  3. Tommy Pistol
    TommyPistolWhile he’s always been the Dean Koontz to James Deen’s Stephen King, things are changing.  He is poised to eclipse Deen as the non-threatening Joseph Gordon-Levitt of porno.  With his dedication to making nerd porn and his tattoos (the most notable of which being a large Aqua Teen Hunger Force graphic on his side), he’s the new age boy next door.  His look is scruffy and his body is not chiseled.  He looks like the kind of guy that you would have a very stable, functioning sex life with.
  4. Danny D
    DannyDI first encountered Danny D in an adult adaptation of Harry Potter where he played the title character.  The scene was real hot. When he screamed “EXPELLIAMUS!” as he performed his moneyshot at the end, I knew this boy was going somewhere.  If you would like to see a little more of this Englishman’s horcrux, there’s an entire tumblr dedicated to it.  Check it out, I’d definitely call it a death stick (NSFW).  He’s got an unassuming cuteness and an understated look that’s carried powerfully by his neat accent and enormous penis.
  5. Ryan Driller
    01/20/2012 - Ryan Driller - AVN Adult Entertainment Expo - Day 3 - Hard Rock Hotel - Las Vegas, NV, USA - Keywords: Adult Video News Orientation: Portrait Face Count: 1 - False - Photo Credit: Glenn Francis / PR Photos - Contact (1-866-551-7827) - Portrait Face Count: 1Driller has the looks of a standard all-american hunk.  It’s no surprise they’re asking him to play superheroes like Captain America and Superman in their respective adult adaptations.  He carries himself like a real standup guy in all of his interviews to boot!  Talking about the importance of respecting and listening to women.  He even made the adult adaptation of 50 Shades of Grey watchable!
  6. Levi Cash
    LeviCashHe’s a dopplebanger for Breckin Meyer, so if you’ve ever wanted to live out that fantasy where you have sex with the underdog of some comedy set in a college campus, look no further.  Driving that point home, he’s even appeared in adult adaptations of films like Weird Science.  He’s the kind of guy that you root for while you’re watching him bang.

 

 

 

7.  Xander Corvus
Kinkster, cosplayer, and punk musician with a voice like Tom Waits.  He’s a little grungier than the everyman people might expect to be the figurehead for adult entertainment.  But if you look past the patchy beard and the snakebite lip piercings, he’s got some solid ideas about the adult industry that might make him perfectly suited for the visibility.
8.  Logan Pierce

LoganPierce

A filmmaker first, culturalist second and incidentally a pornographer.  While he’s certainly got a sexual soul, it’s clear that he’s not the sexual deviant who typically signs up for a porno.  He’s got a real sweet way about him when I watch where I can tell he and his partner are having a really great time.  As a figurehead for pornography, I think he would certainly be more palatable than the some of the more deviant options.

9.  Tee Reel
TeeReelThere’s all this talk about making the next Doctor Who or the next James Bond a person of color.  If we’re ready to see a staple of nerd culture or a staple of action cinema go there, we really do need to step up our porno game.  In addition to facilitating any fantasies you may have had about having sex with the Old Spice Guy, he’s also a solid role model for aspiring adult entertainers everywhere.  After getting his degree in film, he worked on making music videos before he pushed to produce, direct, and star in his own adult films.

10.  Seth Gamble

SethGambleHe’s one of the few male performers that has rhythm when he needs to dance in musical scenes of adult films.  Which is a throwback to his time as an exotic dancer.  Probably why he was one of the leads in the adult adaptation of Magic Mike.  By his own admission, it was tough for him to sign up for adult media, because he doesn’t think he could be on the Disney channel afterwards.  But realistically, he could have been the kind of kid that you grew up watching on Even Stevens.

 

Those are my picks.  Just like not everyone knows about what’s transpired with James Deen, I may not know about some seedy underbelly of these performers.  So if you know anything that would disqualify any of these guys from being a good representative, post it in the comments!  If there’s anybody I missed that you think should be on this list, post them too!

Deen has some big shoes to fill, but these fellas are good at filling all sorts of spaces.

Swing Your Partner Round and Round

notactuallythat_LargeI’m such a good wingman.  If my bros don’t hook up by night’s end, I’ll bang them myself.  While my friends may not always take me up on that offer, my partners often do.  I play matchmaker for my partners if they like.  And I like it too.  I think doing so reinforces the structure of my polyamorous relationships.

Polyamory takes more than just tolerance of your partner having other liasons.  Polyamory is about appreciating the other connections your partner is building.  I like to take it the step further and enable those connections when I can.  There is value in helping your partner find other partners.

Outside of the fact that I want my partner to have someone good to them, it’s great having a metamour who’s good to me.  Especially for those of us who are still feeling out polyamory, having a more personal stake in your partner’s romantic decisions can help ease folks away from conventional dating.  And dating is work, but one of the nice things about polyamory is that you get to share the load.

One of my favorite ways to spend a night in with a partner is to sit around drinking wine and reviewing each others’ potential dates.  We’ll go through a few rounds of swiping left and right where we giggle and tease like the immature bisexuals we’re too old to be anymore.  From there, we get the chance to scoop through who each of us is talking to.  This gives us an opportunity to air our excitements and also our hesitations.  So if I see someone who lists an interest in motorcycles, then my partner can get a date and I might get a new riding buddy!  Similarly, I might see someone I know that I would not like to become metamours with and let my partner know about that right away.

I’ve always been of the mind that metamour relations are one of the truest determining factors in the success of any polyamorous engagement.  While your partner might have a decent idea of the kind of metamour you would like to have, you know better than they do.  So just like mixing cocktails or performing oral sex, it’s worthwhile to let your partner know what you like.

Awareness of your partner(s)’ romantic preferences is integral in polyamorous dating.  This is one of the harder parts for people to adopt when they are just getting started with nonmonogamy.  Plenty of couples just decide to date people together.  Most commonly, this is a straight couple who start looking for a bisexual woman to be their third.  While this practice is met with grand disapproval from many polyamorists, branching out of monogamy together is a fine idea.  I just strongly encourage people to ease back on how together you are when you’re branching out.

When I was first breaking into this whole polyamory thing, I found it much easier to have metamours that I helped to arrange.  It was very beneficial for all the emotions that came along with my partner having other partners.  When I would hear about the hard times my partner had with a metamour I had a hand in arranging, I wasn’t so quick to dismiss their quality as a partner.  When my partner is out with some yahoo she met on OkC named “4ngry1nches” and she tells me that the dates are anything but a pristine joy, there’s a real good chance I’ll encourage her to cut bait.  But if she tells me that she’s having a hard time communicating with the cute programmer that I encouraged her to swipe right, I’ll give her some stratagems to keep his attention.  After all, I’m practically responsible for that.

Opposite bad dates, when my partner is gushing about their newest fling with the most impossibly handsome, charming, wealthy adonis of a man; I may start to feel a bit insecure.  I might feel insubstantial, jealous, even threatened.  However, if I helped my partner arrange this date, my ego will take over and I’ll be flushed with pride.  It’s like when you give someone advice on what to get their spouse for their anniversary, and they get the perfect gift.  You don’t get to give or receive the booty, but you can still relish knowing you’re responsible for the assist.

Assistance is key, by the way.  Dating yields good results when it’s fed good labor.  The best way to get good labor, is sometimes to just get a little more labor.  Many hands make work light, so cruise around OkCupid or Tinder with your partner together.  Help your partner write a good Boiler Plate message that they can send to profiles they really like.  The two of you can even just sit down over dinner and talk about some people the two of you might know who would be worth asking out.  One of you two could even play messenger.

I’ve never asked anybody out on behalf of my partner before, but I have been asked out by a lady’s boyfriend in the past.  In no way did it cheapen or invalidate the proposal.  I actually found myself cozied with an extra sense of security.  I could immediately bypass the worries that this was old-school polyamory noncensensual nonmonogamy.  And I was flattered to be considered such a solid choice that her man made the approach.  As long as you have your partner’s consent, you can certainly take the initiative if they’re too shy.

You can’t date half a couple.  Similarly, you can’t date a full couple.  That sweet spot in between is where polyamorous dating can flourish.  Finding partners outside a polyamorous relationship has so many dimensions because there are relationships being created between all involved parties.  Every relationship that’s created, be it romantic, social, or at least just civil; is independent and unique and worth care and consideration.

What works for you, though?  Have you ever helped a partner get a date?  Have you ever been assisted? What works with that?  What hasn’t worked?  Be a wingman for my blog and post in the comments!

The Ho Phase

Ostensibly speaking, I can be a ho-fo-sho.

While I’m a self-identified slut with no interest in conventional ‘reform’, many other people have bouts of time in their life where they were a little (or a lot) less conservative with their sexual and/or romantic decisions.

This time is commonly referred to as “The Ho Phase”

Some people never had a Ho Phase.  Some people lie and say they never had a Ho Phase.  Some people have one to ‘get it out of their system’ while others have several Ho Phases interspersed throughout their life.  And then there are career sluts like myself who just have interspersed Non-Ho-Phases.

There is an unnecessary stigma attached to the Ho Phase, though.  This stigma rebuffs the curious and shames the practitioners.  But just like watching Digimon or bare-bottom-spanking, I encourage everyone who’s curious about it to try without a sense of shame.  If you’re reading this and you’ve never had a Ho Phase, I implore you to consider a trial.  There are many unsung benefits to Ho Phasing:

  1. Relativity
    A Ho Phase gives you a broader spectrum of lovers to gauge the quality of future partners.  You may have felt blessed when you first had someone perform oral sex on you.  I know I did.  A Ho Phase might show you how many people are willing (and skilled) at some of the things you like.  Similarly, a Ho Phase will help you appreciate the affections you’re having because they’re better than you’ve had.  A Ho Phase really tempers a person’s ability to decide when things could be better and when things could be worse.
  2. Know Thyself
    Just like you get to see what other people are capable of, a Ho Phase can tell you what you’re capable of.  If there’s something you’ve always been curious about trying, one in a series of casual partners can be very forgiving of experimentation foibles.  So if you’re a dom who’s always wanted to explore his subby side, your Ho Phase can double as a trial phase.  A Ho Phase gives you a more complete understanding of your sexual appetite.  It helps you develop a sense of what you want sexually.  This is important because people who don’t know what they want end up with a lot they do not want.

The Ho Phase is so popular, I’m certain many of you reading this have already had a Ho Phase.  You might be right in the middle of one.  You might be on that sweet precipice immediately before or just after being neck-deep in the waters of the Hocean.  Sweet though the waters are, exploring them safely is more important than exploring them completely.  Just like skydiving or analingus, some simple precautions can make this adventure awesome instead of awful.  I recommend you offer yourself the following protections:

  1. Protect Your Body
    Carry at least two condoms with you everywhere.
    Going to the club?  Bring two condoms.
    Going to the wedding reception?  Bring two condoms.
    Going on a three-hour-tour?  Bring two condoms.
    While monogamy is a vaguely safe avenue for unprotected sex, the inherent non-monogamy of the Ho Phase is not conducive to bare-backing.  If you don’t like using condoms, you probably won’t like your Ho Phase.  Unprotected enthusiasts usually end their Ho Phase after they get disappointed with safe sex.
    …or they get chlamydia.
    That’s part of the reason many Ho Phases are limited engagements.  Though even if you protect yourself for the duration of your Ho Phase, it’s probably a good idea to get tested when you think you’re done.  If you’ve got plans for a long-term Ho Phase, plan some regular testing with your doctor or find your local free clinic.
  2. Protect Your Heart
    I don’t believe in relationships that are ‘just sex’.  I believe people can try to make an encounter as solely about sex as possible, but I’ve never seen anybody reach 100%.  There’s always an emotional exchange, even if that emotion is just playful cheer.  That being said, your Ho Phase might provoke some romantic aspirations that you’re not ready to reciprocate.  Hopefully, any partner(s) you have during this phase are aware of the casual goals that you have set for yourself.  In a similar vein, your Ho Phase might stir some feelings in you that might not be reciprocated.  Ho Phasing individuals often find each other.  If the two (or three) of you start building something casual that works, complications can arise when someone wants to bring a relationship out of the Ho Phase that was forged therein.
  3. Protect Your Circles
    Be wary of being a Homie Hopper.  This goes for guys, girls, and everything in between and around.  After you’ve made the rounds with everybody that’s most conveniently suited to your present desires, you might start to feel alienated.  This is partly due to the overwhelming slutshaming that exists in conventional social circles, but you also might end up unintentionally hurting people.  Everyone in your personal circle might commiserate and bond over all feeling a little used or unimportant.
    One of the many benefits of having a Ho Phase is that you get to explore something new!  Don’t waste your wanderlust on what’s familiar.  Try online dating, join a swinger club, have a tryst at a bar with someone(s) you just met.  There is no shortage of potential spaces to indulge your personal liberation.
  4. Protect Your Egress
    When I talk to people about their Ho Phases, many say the hardest part was ending their Ho Phase.  While my solution of not ending it works for me, other people may have solid aspirations of concluding it.  While all of the previously mentioned protections will also help you smoothly transition out of this time in your life, there is an essential to exiting the Ho Phase.  You have to make sure you’re done.
    I’ve seen plenty of people who have split from their steady, long-term partner and had a bout of promiscuity before returning back to the love they know.  A good portion of these supplicants end up being unfaithful to their partner after they return.
    I don’t believe they do it because they’re not satisfied by their existing partner.  They do it because they left something in the Ho Phase.  Maybe there is a person, act, locale or other remnant of their Ho Phase that remains unfinished.  It’s hard to make a clean break when you are still tied to that.  Those ties may never be cut.  In which case, you may want to consider some long-term accommodations for your new proclivities.

All the above are helpful for a bout of less cautioned exploration of intimacy.  But what if your Ho Phase is more than just a phase?  Making a lifestyle out of the phase is certainly possible, but it takes some tactful reconsideration of your place in conventional romance.

Firstly, don’t be ashamed of your Ho Phase.  You got the chance to have some really exciting times.  You might have made some really meaningful connections.  More than anything though, you learned about yourself.  Don’t let the petty fuckers who came up with the name “Ho Phase” tell you anything about what you can be for anybody else after it.  That chapter in your life has given you what I find to be the most valuable product a partner can have: a story.

I find stories more valuable in a partner than a whole lot.  More than a car, a college education, or an antiquated idea of ‘purity’.  People who are proud of their Ho Phase have got great anecdotes about some stuff they’ve seen that worked brilliantly.  They’ve got harrowing stories about stuff that just did not.  And owning your sexual growth is a huge step towards building a world with less shame attached to intimacy.

If you want to make a lifelong adventure out of your Ho Phase, there are ways to make that work too:

  1. Polyamory
    Don’t be a ho.  Graduate to a slut.  An ethical slut.  Check out some literature about polyamory to learn more!
  2. Swinging
    If you want monogamy, but aren’t ready to give up the chance to bang around, consider joining your local swinger community.  Swingers are also a fun community to meet people who might be able to empathize with your long-game Ho Phase.
  3. Monogamish
    This is practically a monogamous relationship.  Practically.
    One or both of the partners understands the playful, fun nature of the Ho Phase to allow occasional vacations back to it.  Limited engagements like the “Hall Pass”, where you have a set amount of time to be non-monogamous are common.

Have you ever had a Ho Phase?  How did it work for you?  Please post your advice for those curious about or recovering from theirs!

Running a Train on Time

I never gangbanged a lady proper before.  Sure, I’ve had a Devil’s Threeway.  My bros and I have ganged up on a lady at a sex party.  I wrote up rules for a gangbang that never ended up happening one time.  But I was recently able to host my first ever gangbang!  With the blessing of the lucky lady and two other guys, I can finally deliver a solid account of my experience.

Firstly, let me establish my personal qualifiers for a conventional heterosexual gangbang:
1.  No more than one lady
2.  No less than three gentlemen

The lady in question and I had been planning this for months.  Late night pillow chat began our plotting.  It started out as dirty talking, evolved into fanciful imagining, and she finally just sent out invitations.  Time from first mention to moneyshot: 2.5 months.

The first thing we started talking about was who would be attending the event.  Not all of her partners were sent invitations.  When you have multiple partners, they usually occupy different spaces in your life.  Just like you may want a partner or two that you are submissive to instead of dominant, you may want some partners to not be passengers on the man-train.  Similarly, not all of the invited parties accepted.  It’s also totally legit to be uncomfortable riding the aforementioned train.

The final roster was our lady, ethical slut extraordinaire.  There was gent that she and I knew who has always been active in the poly community and we’d shared sex parties with him in the past; he was a large, muscular fellow who was just always had solutions.  It was like inviting Groot to a sex party.  Our third was her partner she had been seeing for some months, who asked that I only refer to him as “The Puerto Rican”.

After the lineup was confirmed, we started talking limits.  For this lady, there were very little.  But it’s always good to have some, just so that people know there is a ceiling on the train.  Some people, in the heat of the moment, will try some silly-ass-shit to a partner who claims to have no limits.  All the guys got to post their limits too!

It was to my pleasant surprise that my co-bangers didn’t identify as completely straight.  But outside of that, the guys didn’t have a lot of pregaming they needed to establish.  After all that was done, it was time for the hardest part about a gangbang: scheduling.

The biggest delay in orchestrating this whole affair was finding an evening where the four of us would be free for a few hours into the night and we wouldn’t be too tired from the day of, nor pressed with work the day after.  I’ve heard good things about using Doodle if you’re planning on hosting a gangbang in the near future.  Time from first invitation to moneyshot: 23 days.

I got the chance to talk with our lady about more than just her limits.  I wanted to talk to her about her requests.  I was already planning a grand scheme, but I always like to cater an intimate encounter.  She was very candid, which I really appreciated:

  1. First Ever DP
    I’d been training her for anal sex these past few months and she wanted to try her hand at getting both holes filled.  I told her I would be glad to oblige her if she thought she was ready.
  2. Bukkake
    She wanted all of us to finish on her face.  She wanted to leave the party looking like a Pollock painting.
  3. Photos
    She wanted something sweet to remember the evening.  Photos would be taken without any faces, though.  Everyone consented.
  4. Guy-on-Guy
    She revealed that part of the reason we were all chosen was because she knows that none of us are completely heterosexual and she knows that we all find each other cute.  She was hoping she would get to watch and live out her yaoi-fangirl-slashfic-fantasies.  She still wanted to be the center of attention, though.  She just wanted a little affection between the fellas.

After all that was secured, we had a launch date. Time from announced date to moneyshot: 14 Days.

We thought about having the four of us meet at a bar beforehand, but decided it was unnecessary.  My work schedule is too erratic and other obligations kept everyone from meeting up any earlier than eight o’clock.  Our lady and the Puerto Rican arrived first, they rushed over here and picked up food on the way.  While they ate at my dining room table, I made small talk and made an extremely visible task of moving my arsenal of sex toys from the bedroom to the living room.  I could see her eyeing up the steel and leather as it found its way out of my bedroom.  She later revealed this was one of the most torturous parts of the evening.

While we were waiting for our third guy to arrive, the Puerto Rican and I opened some champagne and he helped me move my weight bench into the center of the living room.  There we sat, the three of us, drinking and making small talk.  Next to us was table spread of plugs, crops, straps, rope, and equestrian equipment.  She later revealed the spread was one of the more exciting parts of the evening.

Groot, our third guy, showed up a little late.  So once he arrived, we started stripping her down.  Time from complete attendance to moneyshot: 3 Hours 21 Minutes

We stripped her bare and laid her out on the weight bench.  We strapped her down and had some casual caresses and spanks before I made her an offer.  I explained to the other guys that she had requested being able to see the three of us being a little physical with each other.  I explained to her that if I was able to stick a plug in her ass, there would be some totally hot guy-on-guy action.  Naturally, she thought this was a fair trade.

Girl took the plug like a champ.  It was time for us to hold up our end of the bargain.  Before that though, I put a velvet bag over her head so that she couldn’t see what was going on.  All she could do was hear the noises of the pure love that exists between men.  This was my first ever gay-fueled cuckqueaning and she said it was delightful.  Eventually, she started begging us to take the hood off.  I offered her a second deal.  If I took out the plug and replaced it with a dramatically larger plug, I would take off the hood.  There was some hesitation, but she agreed.

Girl took this plug like a champ..if this champ had a Pringles can in their ass.  I stripped the hood off of her and she watched the carousing between the other two guys.  I joined in and we gave her a decent PG-13 show.  I figured her neck would get tired looking up at us, so we stopped hovering over and giggling like a gay Statler and Waldorf.  We all took turns slapping her ass around with every implement in the arsenal.  Finally, I brought out my most dangerous sex toy: my box of dice for playing Dungeons and Dragons.

Rolls for roles, the d6 determined that the Puerto Rican would help himself to eating up her snatch, Groot would fuck her mouth open, and I would use some tools teasing her midsection.  When she had melted all the ice cubes and was an overstimulated mess, we unstrapped her and cast her onto her knees.  She knew just what to do and began voraciously stroking and mouthing the men’s anatomy around her.  In multiple person encounters, I find it can be very playful to engage in some novelty behaviors that simply highlight the peculiarity of the encounter.  In accordance with that, I called for the guys to join me in an activity.

It can be easy to get caught up in a sex party and forget exactly how special it is.  But nothing reminds a lady of how lucky she really is until she has three guys dickslapping her in the face with their turgid penises.  With the three of us drumming her face with our boners, it was like being in the college Marimba group again!

I escaped the drum circle for a spell to put some porno on the big screen.  While porno during sex parties can be distracting, sometimes a distraction can be a good thing.  Most guys are not trained to sustain an erection around other men, but plenty of guys have trained themselves to sustain an erection when there’s porn on.  I have a healthy stock of PMVs (Porn Music Videos), which are a crafted montage of scenes from adult films.  I muted the videos and put them on to be distracting, but not too distracting.  They were white noise for our boners.

Maybe it was inspiration from the videos, or just an irrepressible urge, but we had her on all fours taking turns getting fucked open in minutes.  Time from first penetration to moneyshot: 2 hours 13 minutes.

Tom Robbins refers to penetration in a sex party as “the great showstopper”.  While I agreed with him in my early experience; as I’ve become a more seasoned group sex practitioner, I’ve found that to be less and less true.  I understand the temptation to fall prey to the classical escalator of physical intimacy, in which penetration is the saturday night to climaxing’s Sunday morning.  But penetration as a showstopper is especially untrue at a sex party.

While encounters with two or even three people can progress from start to finish without interruption, an encounter with four or more people is often too exhausting to not take a break.  Pleasing one person should can take a lot out of you.  Pleasing three or more can be like playing soccer.  It’s alright to call a time out a few times to break up the action.

For our lot; we flipped her over, around, and used up all of her holes.  But we did this in spurts.  Our shenanigans would occasionally pause and we would have some water or refresh our cocktails.  We would pause and I would go wash that giant butt plug that I forgot I put there two hours ago.  We would pause and put on silly ass costumes.

That last part wasn’t a joke.

She wanted photos.  The guys wanted anonymity.  I keep a healthy stock of theater supplies, so I got to play dress up with everyone!  Thanks to my brilliant wardrobing abilities, there are now photos of a girl in a Sailor Mercury wig getting spitroasted by Captain America and a Luchedore wrestler while she jerks off the Phantom of the Opera.  This was my favorite part.

After we were done with the novelty sex, we resolved that it was time to get serious.  It was business time; three hole business time.  I figured I would take the back door because I’d been training her to get DP’d with me bringing up the rear.  But the Puerto Rican unexpectedly made a request to fill that hole role.  I was hesitant, I’d never been The Anchor in a DP before!

Let me clarify.  In the Statue-of-Liberty position(NSFW) for DPing, the guy on the bottom is called “The Anchor”.  Because it involves less friction in a significantly less sensitive hole, the guy with the bigger cock is usually the Anchor.  Ergo, I’ve never been the Anchor…

I was a little scared.  But I’d hate to think I spent all that time training her ass to not have someone else fuck it.  Not sharing that ass would be downright un-American!  So with a patriotic tear in my boner, I laid back and got mounted.  She rode me while the Puerto Rican sodomized her.  While getting double-stuffed, Groot came and stuck his cock in her mouth.  Time from Air Tight to moneyshot: 42 minutes.

Being the Anchor was alright.  Anchoring versus sodomizing a gal via DP is a similar parallel to being mounted versus dogging a partner one-on-one.  It was lovely, just not in the ravenous, controlling way I’m used to liking that kind of sex.  I liked feeling his cock rub against mine inside of her.  It was like our dicks were high-fiving for having accomplished her first ever DP.  The muffled moans she vented out of her filled mouth really actualized the whole air-tight experience.  It was something real special.

That being said, it did get a little uncomfortable when the Puerto Rican’s testicles kept percussively slapping against my own.  I was curious if he felt it too or if that’s something you only notice when you’re the anchor.  I wondered if I had been doing this to anchoring guys for years, or if the Puerto Rican just had a distended, pendulous nut sack.

I stopped anchoring before reaching conclusive results.

We took turns with her, exchanging positions.  Penetration may not be a showstopper.  Ass play sure as hell can be, though.  She eventually told us she wanted us to finish on her face.  I explained that I had been holding it in since we started.  I don’t think she believed me, because she said there would be a prize for whoever finished on her face first.  Time from challenge accepted to moneyshot: 38 seconds.

Erotolalia

I remember the first time a partner asked me to talk dirty.  I didn’t know what the hell to say.  Here I was, the proud author of a whole moleskine of angsty teen poetry, and I couldn’t even muster the words to tell someone how bad I wanted to fuck them.  How embarrassing.

When I finally scrounged up the courage, I regurgitated a few standard lines I’d heard in porno about how I thought she was soooo hoooot.  I told her that she made me hooooorny.  I told her I liked how she made me haaaaard.  Then, I don’t know why, but I said some silly-ass shit that I don’t even want to look at while I’m writing this, so you can highlight it to read what I said to the sweet older woman who took in a young man and broke his chatter-cherry:
|“Tell me you like my hard cock.  Yeah, tell me it’s as hard as a…uh…as hard as a…carrot.”|

This kind of newbie fumbling is surprisingly common from what I’ve heard.  So unfortunately, in the rare occasion that somebody finds the chutzpah to try it, they often get too embarrassed to give it a second go.  Just like surfing or buttsex, some people have such a bad experience on their first try that they never get to know the real joys of exploring it once you’ve had some practice.

Getting practiced can seem very daunting.  But it’s not as scary as it may seem.  50 Shades of Grey was on the best seller list for 50 weeks straight.  And it’s not like E.L. James had an accomplished career as a writer or a supernatural command of language that kept it there.  Hell, people even tell me that I make a decent showing with indecent verbiage.  If you’re not sure what kind of language gets people’s jimmies rustled, check out literotica’s top voted stories.  Not to downplay it, I’ve been batin’ to Literotica since I used to visit on Netscape Navigator.  But when you read through these stories, it’s plain to see that you don’t need to be master of eroticism to say something that turns people on.

How Do I Start?

If you want to test your chops against an anonymous recipient, consider an anonymous chat client like omegle or chatroulette.  Many people freeze up and stay silent when they see another person and can’t practice.  If you’re communication is text-based, it gives you some drafting time to start building your sexy language abilities.  Because it’s an anonymous client, you also get the chance to embody a different persona for the conversation.  Consider playing a different gender/age/race/orientation.  Trying on the shoes of another persuasion also gives you a more complete understanding of human sexuality.  After you’re more comfortable, consider talking in-person with a partner!

Dirty talking is one of the safest kinks to explore with a partner.  It’s not like pegging or hook suspension where you can go too far too fast too easily.  But just because you won’t need a speculum to fix a mistake, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t talk about it beforehand.  Are they ready to hear you say something nasty?  Are they ready to return communique?  You can even make this chat part of the dirty talking!

Go over with your partner about things they like and don’t like for bedroom verbiage.  Is there something special they like calling you?  Master?  Boy?  Daddy?  Is there something special they like being called?  Mistress?  Slut?  Xena, Warrior Princess?

Clarification is good to prevent hiccups.  What is totally unacceptable to say outside the bedroom might be just what your partner wants to hear.  But it’s dangerous to assume that one inappropriate word is acceptable just because they accept another.

I had a partner once who loved getting bent over and called names.  I called them a filthy slut, a dirty whore. But when I experimented and used the B-word, the sex immediately halted and she turned back and shot me with a fearsome BKB (Read: Boner Killing Bitchface), and informed me that particular nomenclature would not be acceptable.

I hope she’s not reading this…

Ask them if they have any trigger words, good or bad.  What language do they like for anatomy?  They may be alright calling it a cunt, snatch or hole; but the word “pussy” might be unacceptable.  Let your partner know that you’re alright calling it a cock, dick, or shaft…but you’ve always liked when people call it MEGATRON.   What language do you both want for the act itself?  Bangin’?  Making love?  Riding the train to pound town?

After you’ve got a bead on what their ears are ready to receive, get an idea of what kind of communication they’re willing to deliver; or if they even want to deliver.  Like cunnilingus or cash tips; some people like dirty talking, but only when they’re on the receiving end.  One-sided dirty talking is fine, though.  Just like cunnilingus or cash tips, plenty of people find giving very gratifying on its own.

When Do I Start?

Dirty talking can come very naturally once you know how to start.  For me, sparking the fires starts in a number of different ways that are heavily context-sensitive.  If it’s first thing in the morning, I will wake my partner slowly by mentioning what I might have been dreaming about doing to them.  If we’re out together in public, I might whisper in their ear about some nearby corner where I would like to steal away and what debauchery might ensue.  If we’re just getting ready for bed, I would really like to tell them what I’ve been thinking about doing all day.

Ask your partners what they think about when they’re touching themselves.  Tell them what you think about when you do it.  It’s alright to give a little flattery fiction in this part of the foreplay.  If you’ve crafted a fantasy about them in your mind, tell them about it!  It may not be exactly what you’re thinking about when you’re batin’, but it’s still nice to hear your fantasies!  Even if you can only get off to the weird stuff, partners are glad to know you’ve considered them when treating yourself.

When you’re dirty talking though, make sure you are speaking clear and loud enough that your partner can hear.  It can be painfully awkward if you to ask to repeat.  And it can be painfully awkwarder to have to repeat.

Though it’s a fine vehicle for foreplay, dirty talking is more than just an opening ceremony.  It can even enhance the experience when you don’t say anything until you’re fucking so hard that the wallpaper starts peeling.

What Do I Say?

After you’ve established what does and does not rustle your partner’s jimmies, there is a broad palette to paint your soliloquy; so broad, it might be intimidating.  I prefer to narrow my focus to a specific theme to develop as the dirty talking blossoms.  Here are some winning strategies I’ve discovered and some examples I’ve delivered/experienced:

  1. Explain the Current Situation
    Simple and effective.  This is the bread and butter of dirty talking.  If you’re not sure how to start or how to sustain, you can always defer to this strategy.  Explain what is happening in as much graphic detail as you are capable.  Ava Devine, the “Lady in the Lake of Porn”, has practically built an entire career around this kind of dirty talking.
    EXAMPLES:
    “You’re fucking me so hard you’re making my titties bounce”
    “You’re taking every inch of my hard dick”
    “Your balls are slapping against me while you fuck my ass”
  2. Wish List
    One of the best ways to get what you want is to ask for what you want.  Maybe you’re begging for something.  Maybe you’re demanding something.  Or maybe you’re just explaining with colorful detail the exact circumstances of how you like to be pleased.  Communicating about your desires in the bedroom is an integral part of good sex.  Dirty talking can be a really fun vehicle for those conversations!
    EXAMPLES:
    “Please bend me over and fill up my hole”
    “Stick your pinky out when you do it and suck my dick like a lady”
    “Eat up my pussy like an ice cream cone”
  3. Assume your Role
    If you and your partner have a BDSM dynamic to your relationship, or you’re just doing a sexy roleplay; falling back on your characters will keep the conversation flowing.  You can bark orders if you are dominating.  You can declare your loyalty if you’re displaying submission.  You can just refer to your partner as the character they are playing in your roleplay.  This is a good way to anchor people in the fantasy.
    EXAMPLES:
    “Good kitty.  Don’t waste a drop”
    “I live to please my mistress”
    “I’ve always wanted to feel my brother’s hard cock!”
  4. Explain Who You/they Are
    While this certainly ties into roleplaying; sometimes, you’re not roleplaying.  There are plenty of meaningful and real positions that people have in each others lives that can be brought up.  Instead of anchoring your partner in a fantasy, this anchors them in the fantastic reality of the relationship that you already have.
    EXAMPLES:
    “I’m you’re good, little, private slut”
    “I know you like your hubby’s big, hard dick”
    “Fuck me, I’m your girl!”
  5. Speak a Different Language
    This is the diet coke of raceplay.  You may not be ready to wear a sombrero in the bedroom; but calling your boyfriend papi can still be really hot and naughty.  Even if it’s not necessarily your native language, it can make the encounter that much more exotic.  I had a recovering weaboo in the bedroom one time and I forced her to refer to me as senpai and say DESU DESU DESU DESU whenever she was climaxing.
    EXAMPLES:
    “Fais-moi grimper au rideau.” [French]
    “Fick mich schneller” [German]
    “Mapigo yako ni kiboko.” [Swahili]
  6. Praise Your Partner
    While you never want to compliment too much in a relationship, those rules go out the window when you’re bangin’.
    Lots of rules do.
    In that, you can’t spill enough language exalting your partner.  You can lay thick compliments about their body, their mind, their spirit, their skill.  It doesn’t necessarily even need to all be true.  If you’re comfortable with it, a little hyperbole goes a long way.
    EXAMPLES:
    “You’re so big, I won’t be able to walk straight later”
    “This ass is yours.  You deserve it.  Take it until you’re ready to let me taste a hot load of your cum”
    “You have such a cute little snatch, I love to watch my cock disappear into your beautiful bush”
  7. Degrade Your Partner
    Saying nice things is sweet.  Saying things that aren’t nice can be really fucking hot, though.  This one you’re definitely going to need to discuss beforehand.  While some people are really into getting put down, plenty of people are exceedingly selective about the levels of degradation they will accept.  At some point, degradation becomes insults and people can go from feeling really naughty to really shitty.  After you’ve discussed things, you can start exploring conversational dominance.
    EXAMPLES:
    “You’re such a dirty whore, you let me use up all your holes”
    “You were born to eat my pussy.  You should just quit your job”
    “Choke down this dick like a twinkie you fat slut”
  8. Prompt Them
    Just like regular conversations, I always prefer dirty talking with someone instead of at someone.  One of the easiest ways to play off each other is with a question/prompt.  Taking the initiative and engaging your partner is sometimes the only way to get them to start talking with you.  You can inquire about their current state and see if there is anything else they want you could indulge or maniacally disregard!  You could ask them to repeat after you.  You could beg them to say something to you.
    EXAMPLES:
    “Does my man like my tight, little cunt?”
    “Tell me you’re my fuck toy”
    “Who does this ass belong to?”

 

When Do I Stop?

When somebody drops the safeword, that means the dirty talking needs to clean up quick.  But even if they haven’t dropped the safeword, you can certainly adjust the levels of intensity depending on how they respond.  If you’re in the middle of a scene and they mention something about the language approaching territory where they feel uncomfortable, it’s easy enough to wind things back.

When you are done with a scene, sometimes it helps to take care of a partner without dirty talking them.  Sure, aftercare in character can be a good way to not suspend the encounter.  But sometimes, your partners might need to be brought out of the scene by breaking character.  One of the easiest ways to pull people out of the dirty-talking headspace is to refer to them by their name directly.

 

What Works for You?

The explorations above are just the tip of the dirty-talking iceberg.  These are just my experiences.  And I come from a very different place in my motivations for dirty talking.

Sometimes, I’m too lazy to give foreplay properly.  Enticing your partner’s body involves hands, fingers, tongues and a brain that’s willing to orchestrate all of that in the correct order and tempo.  Working people up is work!

Thankfully, there is an avenue for foreplay that caters to my sensitivities as a sloth.  They always say that the mind is the biggest sex organ.  If I can stimulate that without even having to move, I might do that first thing in the morning instead of slopping my groggy face into some half-assed BJ to get my partner ready.  And getting myself talking stimulates my biggest sex organ to boot.

What are your reasons for wanting to talk dirty?  What are some things that people have said that turned you on?  Turned you off?

Post your responses in the comments below!

Summer Lovin’

Some guys are into asians, or tattoos, or girls who do the weird stuff.  I’ve recently found myself searching out partners based on finite proximity.  I was specifically targeting people who will not be in Chicago for the long-term.    I’m not sure exactly why, but I got really enamored with the idea of dates who had a distinct finish line for their time with me.  There are a number of good reasons to get involved with someone who’s going to be an isolated romantic incident.

Why Have a Short-Term Relationship

  1. Paradigm Shift
    I’m not going to say it lowers your standards.  But you could certainly change your standards with the temporary nature of the engagement.  You don’t need to look at every aspect of their character and consider the long term effects.  Don’t obscure your ability to build a meaningful connection by worrying about what might happen when your parents finally meet them.  If you normally don’t date asians, or people with tattoos, or people into the weird stuff; just give it a chance.  Try romance that’s not polluted with all of your expectations.  You might even learn to overcome one of your longstanding dealbreakers if you have a limited engagement to desensitize you.  It’s a fine opportunity to step out of your comfort zone with a prearranged escape back into it.
  2. Raw NRE
    While there are certainly occasional exceptions to this, a relationship will generally never be as exciting as in the first month or so of its inception.  Those feelings of exploring new emotions and affections stir you right up!
    Relationships can be a lot like eating muffins: the beginning is usually the best part.
    Sure, the stump of the muffin is still cake, which is fine and delicious.  But the stump will never be as sticky-sweet and nut-glazed as the top.    A short-term romance is like going to a bakery that only sells the top part of the muffin.
  3. Imported Goods
    One of the easiest ways to have a limited engagement is with someone who’s from out of town.  Maybe they’re visiting for a grad program, internship, or spring break.  While you don’t want to outsource too much of your labor, you could certainly gain some insights from taking in foreign engineering.  Exclusively dating domestically deprives you of the knowledge of the vast spectrum of flavors and persuasions that’s in a global market.
  4. Rebounding Safeguards
    I’m recovering from a pretty hard breakup.
    You’ve probably seen somebody in the wake of a breakup making some very poor decisions about their romantic life.  Hell, you may have even done it.  I know I have.
    When you’re fresh from a loss of the heart, you’re exceptionally prone to mistakes.  It’s like being emotionally drunk.  A good way to subvert any misplaced decisions is to have a limited engagement.  Just like having a designated driver is good when you’re physically drunk, having a designated breakup is good when you’re emotionally drunk.
  5. Blank Slate
    Even in a town as big as Chicago where you could conceivably see one hundred different people for the first and last time everyday…it can still feel like your reputation precedes you.
    In that respect, it’s hard to be the person you want to be when you feel bound to the weight of the person you think you are.  When you go out with somebody and your lives are mutually alien to each other, it can be very liberating.  You don’t need to wonder if they heard any stories about who you were in high school, if they’d ever met an ex of yours who’d given them bad reviews, you don’t need to wonder if they’ve already slept with a member of your social circles…or family.
    In that, you can really try something new.  Maybe you’re not the dancing type.  Maybe you just don’t do karaoke.  Maybe you would never get drinks at that bar
    When you’re with someone who doesn’t know you, you don’t have to be you for a spell.  You get to be social in a raw, unprocessed state of self.  And you get to be with someone who’s feeling the same.

That being said, there are some items you should be ready for:

Troubleshooting Your Limited Engagement

  1. Be Satisfied
    There’s a chance you could spend every second with your summer love until they get on the plane/megabus/spaceship back home; and it still wouldn’t be enough.  The same is true of relationships with no designated conclusion.  If it feels like you’re not getting to spend enough time with them, good.  That means you’ve found something really special you want to experience as much as possible.
    While it’s good to let that drive you to do things like give them a ride home at four AM, it can be very negative to let those feelings of desire bring you down.  You will have plenty of time to be sad after it’s over.
  2. Avoid Falling
    It’s easy to rush a relationship when you’re strapped for time.  You may end up sleeping together after your first drink date.  You may also find the L word ready to launch from the tip of your tongue dramatically sooner than it has before or ever should.
  3. Manifest the Destiny
    Hopefully, everyone knows the terms of the engagement before they sign up.  You’re mixing a drama cocktail when leaving things out.  Make sure that dates know the duration, the limits, and the aftermath.  While it may feel like killing somebody’s dreams to be realistic, consider it doing them a favor.

When your successful short-term romance comes to an end, there will also be some de-briefing.  Just like the terms of the relationship need to be discussed before it begins, the terms of the non-relationship should also be discussed.  Will there be a future?  If so, under what circumstances?  Are they conceivable?  Realistic?  Worthwhile?

Potential Epilogues

  1. The Vacation Fling
    You could become each others regular vacation partner. I had a partner I met at an anime convention who lived 400 miles away and had a very strong primary relationship.  She called me her ‘vacation boyfriend’.  Once every few months, she would come visit and take in her favorite local food, local music, and the her favorite local sexual deviant.
  2. The Friend Zone
    As long as everyone was honest and open about the terms of the engagement beforehand, a transition back to platonic friendship could happen with little or no turbulence.  If, say, a relationship was only going to last until the spouse returned from service overseas, but a really excellent connection was built during this time; then the friendship could certainly be worth the loss of booty.
  3. The Pilgrimmage
    There could be a realization of desire for a more permanent move that started with the vacation.  While the summer lover could ease the move, I strongly recommend against moving in-with your vacation fling.  Moving in with a vacation fling until the transplant finds their own space (or worse yet, indefinitely) is fertile ground for growing the shit-show tree.  There are already dangers that exist when moving in with a partner who already has an established life in your hometown.  A transplant will not have the friends or family to fall back on if the cohabitation goes poorly.
  4. Going the Distance
    Sometimes, feelings are strong enough that you can stretch them across states or even oceans.  I defer to the Dan Savage opinion on long distance relationships, though.  I also believe there are too many pitfalls for even a successful long distance relationship to last more than a year or two.
  5. The Civil Conclusion
    Not intimate enough to be in the friendzone, not uninterested enough to end things completely.  Still send each others silly-ass pictures of cats on each others’ Facebook sometimes.  Sending a Valentine on February 14th wouldn’t even be totally unwelcome.  The two of you might even hook back up in the future if the appropriate circumstances align.
  6. The Ghost
    Disappear from each others’ lives.  You could never speak again and pretend like nothing happened.  This can also work.

This has just been my recent experience with it.  If anybody else has other views on short-term relationships, please post them in the comments!

What are some other good reasons to start them?  What are some bad ones?  What are some potential problems that we’ve encountered?  Have you ever had a STR (short term relationship)?  What worked about it?  What didn’t?  How did it end?

 

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