10 Useful Prophylactic Facts

Outside of getting your sperm supply cut off, male birth control is limited to condoms and abstinence.  Thanks to my American public school sex-education course, you can guess which of these two I learned about…

I’m one of millions of men in this country who was vastly unprepared for and culturally dissuaded from using condoms.  And considering that condoms are essentially the most vital tool for safe sex, sexually active people have got to educate themselves more!

When people use them correctly, condoms are 98% effective.  However, If you just know how to put one on right, you’re already ahead of the curve.  But if you’ve got that first lesson in your sex transcripts, here’s a selection of other vital infortmation for your everyday sex life:

10 Things I Never Learned About Condoms in Sex-Ed

  1. Most Condoms are NOT vegan
    Renouncing the consumption of all animals and animal byproducts is no simple feat, especially when people learn that most condoms are not vegan.  The majority of condoms smooth the latex with a milk protein called casein.  If you don’t want the vegan police to come for you, you should invest in some vegan alternatives.  While most non-latex condoms are incidentally vegan, you may need to double check that.  For a list of confirmed vegan options, follow Vegan.com’s recommendations.
  2. You might NOT have a Latex Allergy
    Research shows that less than 1% of the US population is legitimately allergic to latex. Many who have reactions to latex condoms are actually reacting to certain chemicals (like casein) that are often used in their production.  So if you’re afraid of an allergy, get a doctor to confirm that before you rule out a GIANT portion of the condom market.  While you can try testing at home by trying out different latex condoms until your partner goes into anaphylactic shock; this is not a preferred method to determine allergies, regardless of how hot it would be to blast your partner with an epipen mid-coitus.
  3. Lambskin Sex is NOT Safe Sex
    Lambskin condoms do not protect against viral STDs, like HIV and herpes.  While they do protect against children, the cutest of all the sexually transmitted diseases, viruses are tiny enough to get through the pores in lambskin.  So if you only like the feeling of lambskin, you better only be worried about getting children from your partner.
  4. Buy Online to Save
    Just like printer ink, the condom market preys on desperate people who have run out.  But if you purchase before you need, you pay a fraction of the price!  Even if you’re buying the “best value” at your local pharmacy, you’ll pay half that amount if you order online.  I order in bulks of 100-count packages where I can easily find options that cost $0.05 USD per condom.   While 100 condoms may seem like a lot, condoms are generally good for 5 years (2 years if they have spermicidal lubricant).  Step your safe sex game up and buy for a year of fucking, not just a night.
  5. American Condoms are Rare
    More than 5 billion condoms worldwide are sold every year, according to Michael S. Zedalis, senior vice president in charge of science and technology for condom-maker Ansell Limited.  Of all the brands on the market, the only American company who makes American condoms is Trojan.  Continued support of the American economy means buying American condoms for all your banging needs.
  6. Condom Climate is Important
    Keeping condoms in your wallet or your car is sure useful in a pinch.  But for maximum longevity, condoms need to be kept in a cool, dry place.  The regular frictions put on the average wallet by the average man can deteriorate the condom or puncture the packaging, causing failures.  Keeping them in your car’s glove box can have a similar effect on the condoms.  Excluding the frictions of the glove box, condoms should never be stored anywhere it’s over 100 degrees or cooler than 32 degrees Fahrenheit.  I keep my condoms in an empty Altoids tin in my breast pocket.  It doesn’t get too warm there, not too much turbulence, and I’ve got the room for 4 condoms and a packet of lube!
  7. Flavored Condoms are Probably ONLY for the Mouth
    The same is true for flavored lubricants.  It would be neat if they said this ANYWHERE on the package, but they generally don’t mention that the sugars that make these taste so good also put women at a higher risk for infections like a yeast infection.  While we’re on the subject of women-friendly condoms, spermicidal lubricants also cause irritation which can cause UTIs in women.
  8. Size Matters…kinda
    Here’s a chart for condoms and their sizes.  Unstretched, the smallest “snugger fit” has 58% of the volume that you’ll find in the biggest condom on the market.  That being said, anybody who has ever stuffed their whole head in a condom will tell you that condoms are plenty flexible!  Most “large sized” condoms are the same size as the regular-sized option, but cost 33% more.  Let it never be said that men don’t fall prey to vanity sizing.
  9. Condoms are Especially Important for Buttsex
    While it’s a surefire way to avoid pregnancy.  Just because you’re thinking outside the box, doesn’t mean you’re playing it safe.  Clinical studies show that unprotected anal sex has over twice the HIV risk of its vaginal counterpart.
  10. Condoms Have Tons of Uses
    Even if you’ve decided you’d rather not have sex than do it with a condom on, it’s still beneficial to keep a few in the house!  If you need to waterproof anything or just need a quick bit of latex for tying off something, condoms are good for lots of stuff other than fucking.  And if you have them on hand for those occasions, you won’t be caught unawares if you ever need them for their intended purpose…

I’m always a little shaken by how little people know about condoms.  Often enough, all people know about condoms are the problems they have with them.  If I could address some of those greivances:

  • I can’t feel anything with the condom on
    You lucky duck.  Here I am thinking about baseball and counting prime numbers to stop myself from finishing too fast, and all you have to do is make a prudent decision about the health of yourself and your partner.  Pressuring partners into having unprotected sex with this line is disturbingly common.
    I understand why.  It’s a much more acceptable way of saying “I want to put us both at risk for some reason, and I’m going to bait you into agreeing with me by calling into question your desire for approval.”
    Bad form.
  • The condom is too tight, it cuts off circulation
    I hope your partner isn’t too tight, then!  For real though, try out all the different options on this chart before you decide that no condom in the world has enough room for your enormous pecker.  If you’ve used every single one to no avail, then maybe invest in some female condoms.
  • It takes too long to put it on
    If several seconds is a sizable portion of the time you’re spending making love, you have bigger problems than condom use.  If you feel like putting on a condom interrupts the flow of your session, there are plenty of sexy ways to get the condom on.  Just like taking time in foreplay to get your partner ready, you shouldn’t have a problem with the time it takes to get yourself ready.

That’s just some stuff that I really wish someone had taught me back in the day when I had “sex ed”.  Is there anything you wish you got taught about safe sex when you were in sex ed?  Any important pieces of information about prophylactics I could add to the list?  Feel free to drop those comments in the comments!

Womanizing Your Apartment

I really try to make sure a girl doesn’t regret going home with me.  Making my apartment a little less regrettable is square one in that effort.  Sure, keeping my dirty laundry in a hamper, my filthy dishes in the sink, and my bedsheets absent of mysterious stains is generally enough to keep those regrets at bay; there’s so much more to having a functioning home that will keep the ladies coming back for more of my company.

Like most live-alone bachelors, I don’t have a lot of essentials that a woman would find at one of her girl’s places.  So before all women figure out the benefits of lesbian relationships, let’s take this room-by-room and I’ll tell you some of the most successful additions I’ve made to my apartment to give the fairer sex a reason to visit again.

The Bathroom

If it’s the end of the date, your gal might ask to use your washroom before she goes home.  If you’re bathroom looks amenable to her, she might consider it better to crash at your place than trek home.  Here are some additions I’ve made to keep those considerations considerable:

  1. Femenine Products
    Plenty of girls keep extras of their preferred products in their purse.  If there’s no backup, though, they might be less likely to stay the night away from their rations back home.  While keeping a spare reusable femenine product is certainly environmentally friendly, I doubt every girl you bring home wants to share the same Diva Cup.  I recommend keeping both disposable pads and tampons visible in your bathroom.  For the tampons, Pearl (with an applicator) generally works for everyone in a pinch and is available at most stores.  If you wanna go the extra mile on her cycle, keep some Motrin visible next to the boxes.
  2. Wet Naps
    When a gal says she’s going to “freshen up”, she’s hoping a guy has some of these.  She might use these to wipe the excitement out of her crevasses before taking things to the bedroom and it couldn’t hurt for you to do the same.  Sometimes, they’ll need to freshen up after sex too(esp. if there’s some menstruation and/or backdooring).  And if they don’t have time to go home before work the next day, they can use these to give themselves a field-shower (also known by the less sensitive term “Whore Bath“, guess why).  Unscented Wet Ones (or some legit makeup removal wipes if you wanna score extra points) are also great to have for getting her makeup off before bed so that she doesn’t leave a Pollock painting on the pillow.
  3. A Lined Trash Can with a Lid
    If they are using your wet naps and spare tampons, you better believe your trash can is getting filled with some second-hand womanhood.  A plastic bag will stop things from sticking to the bottom.  A can with a lid will spare your gal the ordeal of having to bury her used products under piles of tissue and toilet paper rolls only to be unearthed the morning after when your dog sniffs into your trash bin and tears the refuse out into a million twisted, brown-red shreds in your kitchen.  And many girls find their used products unsightly, so it’s best to have a lid cover that.
  4. UTI Care
    Of the many benefits there are to being a guy, one is the lack of urinary tract infections.  Most guys go their whole lives without getting one.  On the other hand, 50-60% of women have experienced these painful episodes.  The extra kicker is that UTIs are most commonly caused by having sex.  Given that we’re almost certainly implicit in the infection, so to does the responsibility of treatment fall on the guy’s shoulders.  Invest in some cranberry pills and some AZO (or the store brand urinary pain relief pills) for your lady to limit the physical pain she has reminding her of fucking you.
  5. Hair Care
    As a short-haired guy; I have no need for a hairbrush, curling iron, blow dryer, or bobby pins; but I still have them.  While I used to spike my hair pretty fierce, I haven’t needed any Aqua Net in a long time, but still have it.  I’m sure some girls might wonder why I keep all these things in my bathroom.  But for every one girl that’s wondering, there are 10 girls thanking me for saving their aesthetic for the day.
  6. Miscellaneous Spare Toiletries
    Just like a hotel gives away, keep some items on hand you’re okay throwing away after use.  Here’s what I keep: contact lens cases & solution, toothbrushes, razors, chapstick, safety pins (for bra malfunctions), nail polish (for stocking malfunctions).

The Bedroom

Where the magic happens.  Generally, if they’ve agreed to join me here, I feel like the hard work is already done.  But I could still get hung up on something trivial that will disrupt the romantic flow.  To keep your love machine well oiled, consider making some of the following investments:

  1. Hair Ties
    Most guys don’t understand this struggle.  I’ve sucked plenty of cock and I didn’t understand until I tried doing it while wearing a trashy wig.  It’s hard to slob knob like a lady when your constantly pulling hair out of your mouth.  Certainly a gentleman could hold the hair up for you.  But holding a bun in place tethers your cocksucker, inhibiting their ability to perform fellatio with complete freedom.  Next time you’re at the general store, get a pack of 100, keep them in your bedroom next to the bed so you don’t even need to get up to enhance your BJ!
  2. Spare Chargers
    It’s real easy to have a walk of shame when your phone is dead and you need to get home with nothing to do but think about what happened last night and how visible it is on your person.  But if your phone is full of juice, that walk of shame becomes a triumphant posting of selfies about having the “Best night ever!  Still recovering! #YOLO”
    Have a spare MiniUSB charger for any of your android-using partners, and try to have one of the many different iPhone chargers if for whatever reason you want to cater to the Mac crowd.
  3. Non-Latex Condoms
    Missing some accouterments or other may slow down or choke up the flow of love making.  But if you’re partner has a latex allergy, missing safe sex alternatives will bring your night to a screeching, blue-balled halt.  Invest in a a pack of Polyisoprene, polyeurethane, or lambskin condoms just in case.
  4. Lube
    I know Ronda Rousey said “If you need lube, then you’re being lazy”.  But if she was so smart, then Holm wouldn’t have knocked her the fuck out.  While good foreplay is the cheapest lube, there are plenty of reasons to lube up other than “being lazy”!  Some girls aren’t as naturally wet as others.  And I don’t care how much foreplay you do, you always grease up if you’re going to be backdooring someone.  Keep the lube within arms reach.  And if all possible, get a pump action bottle so that you don’t have to fumble getting the lid open/close.  Buy as much as you might end up using in a year.  Though there’s never an expiration date on lube, experts reccomend about a year before disposal, depending on what kind of lube…
  5. A Towel
    After you grease up your pecker and you’re ready to fuck on all cylinders, you don’t want that slippery and sticky hand to go staining your sheets and ruining your partners hair.  Rub it off on a nearby towel!
    You’re girl on the rag?  Don’t let her cycle turn your bed into a scene from Dexter.  Lay a towel down!
    Just shoot the biggest load of all time onto your partner’s tits/ass/face/feet/cat?  Be a gentleman and reach for a nearby towel to clean up your mess.
    There’s a reason that the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy considers this to be “the most massively useful thing“.  Keep a CLEAN towel near the bed for emergencies!
  6. Hitachi Magic Wand
    Considered by many to be the excalibur of sex toys.  That is in no way an overstatement.  I’ve had girls who were prepared to be dissapointed by all the hype be pleasantly surprised before they wiped the drool from their mouths and started eating that crow.

The Kitchen

My mornings are built in my kitchen.  I build my date’s morning in the kitchen too.  These are my construction tools:

  1. Disposable Coffee Cups
    Being a gentleman and fixing coffee/tea for your gal pal first thing in the morning is a great way to make her feel welcome and appreciated.  If you fix her a cup for the road in a disposable cup with a lid, she’ll be feeling them feels even after she leaves.
  2. Easy Breakfasts
    If you’re sending your gal out with a to-go coffee, you might as well send her with a nutri-grain/cliff-bar/pop-tart/other handheld snack.  These are also great if you need to leave before she does.  On your way out, give her a kiss and tell her to help herself!
  3. Chocolate
    I’m tempted to put this under “feminine products”, but I keep this menstrual aid in the kitchen.
  4. Cold Water Bottle
    It doesn’t have to be name-brand bottled water, but a filled nalgene in the fridge is exactly what you’re both going to want after you’re done with a heart-pumping, high-energy fuckspree.

That’s all I can think of with big thanks to the women in my life for adding some of their insights.  Gals, is there anything you wish guys would have at their places?  If so, post them in the comments for all the aspiring bachelors to put on their grocery list!

Growing Fetishes

“the bleak light of full adulthood, which is to one’s early twenties as Sunday morning is to Saturday night”
-Neal Stephenson, Snow Crash

There’s plenty I’ve found myself more interested in as I’ve grown older:  Lingerie, pegging, The Dave Matthews Band.  Similarly, the partners I’ve had for many years have also developed as we’ve grown together.  They too adopt new fetishes and quirks, though nothing as weird as The Dave Matthews Band.  That’s pretty much just me.

While these quirks certainly vary strongly between the partners I’ve had, there is one fetish of which I’ve found more and more of the female partners I’ve had have been particularly fond: the creampie fantasy.

It might be as simple as the pleasure of forbidden fruits.  Maybe it’s a reclamation of the historical use of impregnation as a tool of female oppression.  Or maybe we’re all just getting a little older and parenthood is becoming something that scares us in a good way.  Whatever the reason, just like Game of Thrones or Fifth Harmony, pretending to knock a girl up is what’s hot right now.

Note, I said “pretending”.  Safe sex no more mutually exclusive with an impregnation fantasy than consent is with a rape roleplay.  I’ve done the impregnation roleplay while wearing condoms, with partners using an IUD, I’ve even had an impregnation roleplay with a transwoman.  I discuss the matter beforehand, establish whatever parameters please both parties, and we forge ahead with an everpresent consideration of each other and have never had an issue.

It’s a high risk roleplay, though.  You’re playing with the concept of maternity.  Which is a Freudian slippery slope.  If we were using the rating system I employed in my article about roleplays, I would rank this one as an R-Rated roleplay.  At least.  I think that’s why it’s been received so well.  It’s just so impossibly naughty…

Like many of my partners, I grew up with a stock of middle and upper-middle class white youths.  For many of us in the progressive generation, we weren’t raised to be afraid of sex.  We were raised to be afraid of babies.  The parents of our generation made sure we knew their regrets about having us.

Of course, our parents are one generation deeper into the widespread use of pregnancy to subjugate and indenture women.  With the expanding recognition of these acts, there too is coming the expanding fetishization of them.  Just like 1950s household or Burlesque, our newfound understanding of the sordid history makes it wet with unacceptability.  It’s no coincidence that all of the partners who have enthusiastically taken to this fetish are also Steinem-reading, patriarchy-fighting, self-identified feminists.

In addition to feminism, the other trend that’s popular with my partners is aging.  We’re not old yet, but we’re getting to the age where we’re expected to continue propagating the species.  And in this bleak light of full adulthood, there is something satisfying about the feeling of giving in to the societal pressure.  I won’t deny that it’s a little liberating when immerse myself in the toxic masculinity that is dripping from the affectations of me being “dominant” in the bedroom.

I am become patriarchy, destroyer of wombs.

Don’t get your Dworkins in a twist, though.  Just like condoms, feminism too is not mutually exclusive with this roleplay.  I can only imagine the struggles of the average woman who identifies as feminist and submissive, so I don’t want to miss an opportunity to remind them that you can be both.  And the feminist/submissive dichotomy is no less false than the conventional one drawn between virgin/whore.

Be both.  Say the nasty shit.

Get the nasty shit said to you.

It’s more prevalent than you might imagine.  Reddit has 11 forums dedicated to the subject, two of which are personals, totalling 140,242 subscribed readers.  And that’s just in the public forums, of which the three most popular (are NSFW and) are:

  • r/breeding – 26,514 Readers
    This forum is sort of a catch-all for any media/literature of or relating to the subject.
  • r/cuckoldpregnancy – 7,714 Readers
    Which is directed to the act of humiliating submissives with having their partners sharing a child with a third, outside party.  While there certainly are a few posts dedicated to cuckqueaning and also whitebreeding a female person of color.  The most common post is for “blackbreeding” a white woman with an extramarital black male (or “bull” to use the technical language).
  • r/inbreeding – 4,616 Readers
    This subreddit goes with the tagline “When just fucking your family isn’t enough”.  What a pointed commentary!  If you’re already having one of the most taboo fetishes on the market, why not go the extra weird mile?
    In for a penny, in for a pound…

Reddit is a fine platform for getting your hands on literature and some images on the subject.  While they do have videos, the champion of getting internet porn videos for free is the searching feature behind porn torrenting websites.  These have been meticulously and methodically designed to satisfy perverts with very specific proclivities.  I groomed all the tags relevant to the topic and found a total of 362 videos!  Of the top tags concerning these fetishes, here’s a list with the number of tagged videos:

 

Tag(s) Videos Available
“Impregnation” 247
“Impregnation Fantasy” 115
“Breeding” 70
“Blackbred” 11
“Black.Bred” 7
“Black.Breeding” 5
“Bred.By.Black” “Insemination” 4
“Wifebreeding”, “Wifebreeder”, “Inseminated”, “Impreg” 3
“Wife.Breeders”, “Breed”, “Blackbred.com”, “Forced.Impregnation” 2
“Implied.Impregnation”, “Blrackbred”, “Breedingwhore”, “Interracial.Breeding”, “Reluctant.Breeding”, “Reluctant.Impregnation”, “Forced.Breeding”, “Bred.By.Blacks” 1

Note: plenty of the videos in this stock fall into several, if not most, of these categories.

In total, we’re looking at 362 separate videos that are all directed towards an impregnation fetish.  To put that in perspective, it’s not as common as videos tagged with fetishes like “Emo” (429 videos) or “Anal.Beads” (465 videos).  It’s almost as popular as spectacles like “ass.to.ass” (364 videos); marginally more popular than fetishes like “Medical” (358 videos) or  “wrestling” (360 videos).  And it’s distinctly more common than videos tagged with fetishes like “Tickling” (255 videos) or “Nipple.Torture” (253 videos).

Of the representative videos tagged in the impregnation fetish, the most downloaded are:
5.  Veruca James – Virtual Sex Creampie (142 Seeds)
4.  Alex Chance – Brothers and Sisters (154 Seeds)
3.  Taylor Mitchell – Real Amateur Hotwife & Interracial Cuckold  (175 Seeds)
2.  Princess Leia – Party Girl Had Daddy Impregnate Her (207 Seeds)
1.  Lady Fyre – Mom Made Me Impregnate Aunt Mallory (441 Seeds)

Clearly, inbreeding is the most commonly shared video on the subject.  But interracial cuckoldry is in a very powerful third place.  Just barely in the top 5 would be the fine performance of Veruca James, which is a story of a deceptive girl who lures her boyfriend into using sabotaged condoms so that she gets pregnant because she is excited about the idea of having his abortion.

I’ll bet you thought the one that wasn’t about incest or cuckoldry was gonna be a little more normal, didn’t you?

False.

Given the usually direct correlation between how sexy something is and how unacceptable it is, don’ t be afraid to let your freak flag fly.  Sure, I’ve proposed this roleplay to a few girls who were not interested.  But accepting a refusal is easy enough to do, that it’s worth at least offering if you’re interested.

As for the execution of the roleplay, here’s a list of winning strategies I’ve found for the engagement:

  1. Suspend the Disbelief
    Don’t let them see you put the condom on.  Sure, they’ll know you’re wearing one.  But there’s something exciting about not knowing that your partner is wearing one.  Like good practical special effects at the movies.  I know it’s only a model, but I forget when I’m not reminded.
  2. Talk Some Shit
    Even if you were legitimately having unprotected sex for the explicit purpose of procreation, you wouldn’t know if you were successful for at least a week.  So the only way to make it real (or ‘real’ in the case of a roleplay) is for the verbal exchange to happen.  Use some graphic language with phrases like “knock me up” or “make me a mom”.  You can even get extra gritty with nigh-agricultural phrases like “you’re my fertile, little breed mare”.
  3. Find out What You Like About It
    This should be the first step before exploring any kink really.  Do you like the idea of having something of your partner’s put into you?  Do you like the idea of owning your partner from the inside?  There are a lot of different places you could take this kink and finding out what direction will really help guide you to a place you really dig.

Have you ever tried an impregnation roleplay?  What was the scenario?  Got any winning lines you like to say/hear?  Any good videos you’d recommend for people who’re interested?

Finding a New Deen

In the wake of the numerous allegations of assault being charged against James Deen, many of us have lost our infatuation the golden boy of modern adult media.  Deen was on track to dethrone Ron Jeremy as the most well-known male actor.  And Jeremy has been doing a lot more than just sitting on that throne for many years now.

For many of us, finding the right porno to watch can be a daunting task.  It’s like the first day of school after you get your meal in the cafeteria, then you need to decide where to sit.  James Deen was like that kid that you knew just well enough that if you ever saw him at a table, you knew that you could sit next to him talking about pokemon cards.  He may not have been in your clique, but he always said hi to you in the hallway and if you ever got partnered up for a group project, he wouldn’t let you down.

But after everything that’s happened, he’s like that kid that you sat next to in a bathroom stall one time and you heard some really awful, guttural noises coming from the other side.  Now every time you see him, all you can do is see what you imagined happening on the other side of that stall.  You see tooth-gritting-fist-clenching deuce dropping.  You may not know exactly what transpired, but what you heard makes you not want to eat around him ever again.

So too goes James Deen.  Regardless of his previous accomplishments for adult media and feminism, I can’t shake the numerous accusations against him and enjoy his work.

And now begins the search for the new male adult star that will take our hearts doggy-style and not make stupid faces when he finishes.  As I consider myself a connoisseur of the art of pornography, I have some recommendations.  So with no further ado, in no particular order, and with tightening pants, I present:

10 Male Actors Who Could
Become Porn’s New Frontman

  1. Derrick Pierce:
    DerrickPierceHe has an outstanding resume with the people at Kink.com as well as playing villains in many XXX superhero spoofs (including playing a very good DP scene).  While he may commonly play a top-heavy dom in kink scenes, he sticks around for aftercare scenes and seems like a real sweetheart.
  2. Christian XXX
    ChristianXXXWhile he originally performed gay porn under the name “Maxxx Diesel”, he has since transitioned to doing straight scenes in addition to his previous work.  In doing this, he is actually standing up for bi/pansexual performers.  There are female performers who have refused to work with him because his is not heterosexual.  He carries it just fine, giving and receiving from many genders, even those identifying as non-binary.
  3. Tommy Pistol
    TommyPistolWhile he’s always been the Dean Koontz to James Deen’s Stephen King, things are changing.  He is poised to eclipse Deen as the non-threatening Joseph Gordon-Levitt of porno.  With his dedication to making nerd porn and his tattoos (the most notable of which being a large Aqua Teen Hunger Force graphic on his side), he’s the new age boy next door.  His look is scruffy and his body is not chiseled.  He looks like the kind of guy that you would have a very stable, functioning sex life with.
  4. Danny D
    DannyDI first encountered Danny D in an adult adaptation of Harry Potter where he played the title character.  The scene was real hot. When he screamed “EXPELLIAMUS!” as he performed his moneyshot at the end, I knew this boy was going somewhere.  If you would like to see a little more of this Englishman’s horcrux, there’s an entire tumblr dedicated to it.  Check it out, I’d definitely call it a death stick (NSFW).  He’s got an unassuming cuteness and an understated look that’s carried powerfully by his neat accent and enormous penis.
  5. Ryan Driller
    01/20/2012 - Ryan Driller - AVN Adult Entertainment Expo - Day 3 - Hard Rock Hotel - Las Vegas, NV, USA - Keywords: Adult Video News Orientation: Portrait Face Count: 1 - False - Photo Credit: Glenn Francis / PR Photos - Contact (1-866-551-7827) - Portrait Face Count: 1Driller has the looks of a standard all-american hunk.  It’s no surprise they’re asking him to play superheroes like Captain America and Superman in their respective adult adaptations.  He carries himself like a real standup guy in all of his interviews to boot!  Talking about the importance of respecting and listening to women.  He even made the adult adaptation of 50 Shades of Grey watchable!
  6. Levi Cash
    LeviCashHe’s a dopplebanger for Breckin Meyer, so if you’ve ever wanted to live out that fantasy where you have sex with the underdog of some comedy set in a college campus, look no further.  Driving that point home, he’s even appeared in adult adaptations of films like Weird Science.  He’s the kind of guy that you root for while you’re watching him bang.

 

 

 

7.  Xander Corvus
Kinkster, cosplayer, and punk musician with a voice like Tom Waits.  He’s a little grungier than the everyman people might expect to be the figurehead for adult entertainment.  But if you look past the patchy beard and the snakebite lip piercings, he’s got some solid ideas about the adult industry that might make him perfectly suited for the visibility.
8.  Logan Pierce

LoganPierce

A filmmaker first, culturalist second and incidentally a pornographer.  While he’s certainly got a sexual soul, it’s clear that he’s not the sexual deviant who typically signs up for a porno.  He’s got a real sweet way about him when I watch where I can tell he and his partner are having a really great time.  As a figurehead for pornography, I think he would certainly be more palatable than the some of the more deviant options.

9.  Tee Reel
TeeReelThere’s all this talk about making the next Doctor Who or the next James Bond a person of color.  If we’re ready to see a staple of nerd culture or a staple of action cinema go there, we really do need to step up our porno game.  In addition to facilitating any fantasies you may have had about having sex with the Old Spice Guy, he’s also a solid role model for aspiring adult entertainers everywhere.  After getting his degree in film, he worked on making music videos before he pushed to produce, direct, and star in his own adult films.

10.  Seth Gamble

SethGambleHe’s one of the few male performers that has rhythm when he needs to dance in musical scenes of adult films.  Which is a throwback to his time as an exotic dancer.  Probably why he was one of the leads in the adult adaptation of Magic Mike.  By his own admission, it was tough for him to sign up for adult media, because he doesn’t think he could be on the Disney channel afterwards.  But realistically, he could have been the kind of kid that you grew up watching on Even Stevens.

 

Those are my picks.  Just like not everyone knows about what’s transpired with James Deen, I may not know about some seedy underbelly of these performers.  So if you know anything that would disqualify any of these guys from being a good representative, post it in the comments!  If there’s anybody I missed that you think should be on this list, post them too!

Deen has some big shoes to fill, but these fellas are good at filling all sorts of spaces.

Running a Train on Time

I never gangbanged a lady proper before.  Sure, I’ve had a Devil’s Threeway.  My bros and I have ganged up on a lady at a sex party.  I wrote up rules for a gangbang that never ended up happening one time.  But I was recently able to host my first ever gangbang!  With the blessing of the lucky lady and two other guys, I can finally deliver a solid account of my experience.

Firstly, let me establish my personal qualifiers for a conventional heterosexual gangbang:
1.  No more than one lady
2.  No less than three gentlemen

The lady in question and I had been planning this for months.  Late night pillow chat began our plotting.  It started out as dirty talking, evolved into fanciful imagining, and she finally just sent out invitations.  Time from first mention to moneyshot: 2.5 months.

The first thing we started talking about was who would be attending the event.  Not all of her partners were sent invitations.  When you have multiple partners, they usually occupy different spaces in your life.  Just like you may want a partner or two that you are submissive to instead of dominant, you may want some partners to not be passengers on the man-train.  Similarly, not all of the invited parties accepted.  It’s also totally legit to be uncomfortable riding the aforementioned train.

The final roster was our lady, ethical slut extraordinaire.  There was gent that she and I knew who has always been active in the poly community and we’d shared sex parties with him in the past; he was a large, muscular fellow who was just always had solutions.  It was like inviting Groot to a sex party.  Our third was her partner she had been seeing for some months, who asked that I only refer to him as “The Puerto Rican”.

After the lineup was confirmed, we started talking limits.  For this lady, there were very little.  But it’s always good to have some, just so that people know there is a ceiling on the train.  Some people, in the heat of the moment, will try some silly-ass-shit to a partner who claims to have no limits.  All the guys got to post their limits too!

It was to my pleasant surprise that my co-bangers didn’t identify as completely straight.  But outside of that, the guys didn’t have a lot of pregaming they needed to establish.  After all that was done, it was time for the hardest part about a gangbang: scheduling.

The biggest delay in orchestrating this whole affair was finding an evening where the four of us would be free for a few hours into the night and we wouldn’t be too tired from the day of, nor pressed with work the day after.  I’ve heard good things about using Doodle if you’re planning on hosting a gangbang in the near future.  Time from first invitation to moneyshot: 23 days.

I got the chance to talk with our lady about more than just her limits.  I wanted to talk to her about her requests.  I was already planning a grand scheme, but I always like to cater an intimate encounter.  She was very candid, which I really appreciated:

  1. First Ever DP
    I’d been training her for anal sex these past few months and she wanted to try her hand at getting both holes filled.  I told her I would be glad to oblige her if she thought she was ready.
  2. Bukkake
    She wanted all of us to finish on her face.  She wanted to leave the party looking like a Pollock painting.
  3. Photos
    She wanted something sweet to remember the evening.  Photos would be taken without any faces, though.  Everyone consented.
  4. Guy-on-Guy
    She revealed that part of the reason we were all chosen was because she knows that none of us are completely heterosexual and she knows that we all find each other cute.  She was hoping she would get to watch and live out her yaoi-fangirl-slashfic-fantasies.  She still wanted to be the center of attention, though.  She just wanted a little affection between the fellas.

After all that was secured, we had a launch date. Time from announced date to moneyshot: 14 Days.

We thought about having the four of us meet at a bar beforehand, but decided it was unnecessary.  My work schedule is too erratic and other obligations kept everyone from meeting up any earlier than eight o’clock.  Our lady and the Puerto Rican arrived first, they rushed over here and picked up food on the way.  While they ate at my dining room table, I made small talk and made an extremely visible task of moving my arsenal of sex toys from the bedroom to the living room.  I could see her eyeing up the steel and leather as it found its way out of my bedroom.  She later revealed this was one of the most torturous parts of the evening.

While we were waiting for our third guy to arrive, the Puerto Rican and I opened some champagne and he helped me move my weight bench into the center of the living room.  There we sat, the three of us, drinking and making small talk.  Next to us was table spread of plugs, crops, straps, rope, and equestrian equipment.  She later revealed the spread was one of the more exciting parts of the evening.

Groot, our third guy, showed up a little late.  So once he arrived, we started stripping her down.  Time from complete attendance to moneyshot: 3 Hours 21 Minutes

We stripped her bare and laid her out on the weight bench.  We strapped her down and had some casual caresses and spanks before I made her an offer.  I explained to the other guys that she had requested being able to see the three of us being a little physical with each other.  I explained to her that if I was able to stick a plug in her ass, there would be some totally hot guy-on-guy action.  Naturally, she thought this was a fair trade.

Girl took the plug like a champ.  It was time for us to hold up our end of the bargain.  Before that though, I put a velvet bag over her head so that she couldn’t see what was going on.  All she could do was hear the noises of the pure love that exists between men.  This was my first ever gay-fueled cuckqueaning and she said it was delightful.  Eventually, she started begging us to take the hood off.  I offered her a second deal.  If I took out the plug and replaced it with a dramatically larger plug, I would take off the hood.  There was some hesitation, but she agreed.

Girl took this plug like a champ..if this champ had a Pringles can in their ass.  I stripped the hood off of her and she watched the carousing between the other two guys.  I joined in and we gave her a decent PG-13 show.  I figured her neck would get tired looking up at us, so we stopped hovering over and giggling like a gay Statler and Waldorf.  We all took turns slapping her ass around with every implement in the arsenal.  Finally, I brought out my most dangerous sex toy: my box of dice for playing Dungeons and Dragons.

Rolls for roles, the d6 determined that the Puerto Rican would help himself to eating up her snatch, Groot would fuck her mouth open, and I would use some tools teasing her midsection.  When she had melted all the ice cubes and was an overstimulated mess, we unstrapped her and cast her onto her knees.  She knew just what to do and began voraciously stroking and mouthing the men’s anatomy around her.  In multiple person encounters, I find it can be very playful to engage in some novelty behaviors that simply highlight the peculiarity of the encounter.  In accordance with that, I called for the guys to join me in an activity.

It can be easy to get caught up in a sex party and forget exactly how special it is.  But nothing reminds a lady of how lucky she really is until she has three guys dickslapping her in the face with their turgid penises.  With the three of us drumming her face with our boners, it was like being in the college Marimba group again!

I escaped the drum circle for a spell to put some porno on the big screen.  While porno during sex parties can be distracting, sometimes a distraction can be a good thing.  Most guys are not trained to sustain an erection around other men, but plenty of guys have trained themselves to sustain an erection when there’s porn on.  I have a healthy stock of PMVs (Porn Music Videos), which are a crafted montage of scenes from adult films.  I muted the videos and put them on to be distracting, but not too distracting.  They were white noise for our boners.

Maybe it was inspiration from the videos, or just an irrepressible urge, but we had her on all fours taking turns getting fucked open in minutes.  Time from first penetration to moneyshot: 2 hours 13 minutes.

Tom Robbins refers to penetration in a sex party as “the great showstopper”.  While I agreed with him in my early experience; as I’ve become a more seasoned group sex practitioner, I’ve found that to be less and less true.  I understand the temptation to fall prey to the classical escalator of physical intimacy, in which penetration is the saturday night to climaxing’s Sunday morning.  But penetration as a showstopper is especially untrue at a sex party.

While encounters with two or even three people can progress from start to finish without interruption, an encounter with four or more people is often too exhausting to not take a break.  Pleasing one person should can take a lot out of you.  Pleasing three or more can be like playing soccer.  It’s alright to call a time out a few times to break up the action.

For our lot; we flipped her over, around, and used up all of her holes.  But we did this in spurts.  Our shenanigans would occasionally pause and we would have some water or refresh our cocktails.  We would pause and I would go wash that giant butt plug that I forgot I put there two hours ago.  We would pause and put on silly ass costumes.

That last part wasn’t a joke.

She wanted photos.  The guys wanted anonymity.  I keep a healthy stock of theater supplies, so I got to play dress up with everyone!  Thanks to my brilliant wardrobing abilities, there are now photos of a girl in a Sailor Mercury wig getting spitroasted by Captain America and a Luchedore wrestler while she jerks off the Phantom of the Opera.  This was my favorite part.

After we were done with the novelty sex, we resolved that it was time to get serious.  It was business time; three hole business time.  I figured I would take the back door because I’d been training her to get DP’d with me bringing up the rear.  But the Puerto Rican unexpectedly made a request to fill that hole role.  I was hesitant, I’d never been The Anchor in a DP before!

Let me clarify.  In the Statue-of-Liberty position(NSFW) for DPing, the guy on the bottom is called “The Anchor”.  Because it involves less friction in a significantly less sensitive hole, the guy with the bigger cock is usually the Anchor.  Ergo, I’ve never been the Anchor…

I was a little scared.  But I’d hate to think I spent all that time training her ass to not have someone else fuck it.  Not sharing that ass would be downright un-American!  So with a patriotic tear in my boner, I laid back and got mounted.  She rode me while the Puerto Rican sodomized her.  While getting double-stuffed, Groot came and stuck his cock in her mouth.  Time from Air Tight to moneyshot: 42 minutes.

Being the Anchor was alright.  Anchoring versus sodomizing a gal via DP is a similar parallel to being mounted versus dogging a partner one-on-one.  It was lovely, just not in the ravenous, controlling way I’m used to liking that kind of sex.  I liked feeling his cock rub against mine inside of her.  It was like our dicks were high-fiving for having accomplished her first ever DP.  The muffled moans she vented out of her filled mouth really actualized the whole air-tight experience.  It was something real special.

That being said, it did get a little uncomfortable when the Puerto Rican’s testicles kept percussively slapping against my own.  I was curious if he felt it too or if that’s something you only notice when you’re the anchor.  I wondered if I had been doing this to anchoring guys for years, or if the Puerto Rican just had a distended, pendulous nut sack.

I stopped anchoring before reaching conclusive results.

We took turns with her, exchanging positions.  Penetration may not be a showstopper.  Ass play sure as hell can be, though.  She eventually told us she wanted us to finish on her face.  I explained that I had been holding it in since we started.  I don’t think she believed me, because she said there would be a prize for whoever finished on her face first.  Time from challenge accepted to moneyshot: 38 seconds.

Confessions of a Recovering Adjacent-Rapist

It’s pure luck that I’ve never woke up next to someone I recently assaulted.  There were times I didn’t know a party was consenting until I reached down and felt how excited they were.

I had some great times before I made getting consent a priority.  A platonic spooning party with a friend could turn into a forbidden tryst in the middle of the night.  I could meet someone on the dancefloor and accept their afterparty invitation without knowing their sobriety.  I could let kisses turn to touches turn to wet fingers and clenched teeth and the only sound either of us muttered were moans.

But I was stupid and should have known better.  In my head, I was reading consent in all sorts of places.  But I was also young enough to believe all sorts of bad shit was a good idea.  Whether or not I was committing rape-adjacent sex wouldn’t be confirmed until the pillow talk.  I was getting Schrodinger’s consent.  And I’m a lucky guy that I guessed right all those times.

Now that I’m more grown up, I have distinctly higher developed ideas about consent.  At the time though, I would have defended my behavior fiercely.  I wasn’t driven to committing these acts by any classical rape motives.  I committed these acts because I wasn’t raised not to.  I committed these acts because nobody ever told me it was wrong.

These days, I’m friends with enough staunch feminists that requesting consent is implicit in lovemaking.  For plenty of people, asking for consent does not impede the chemistry of an encounter.  They will glaze over it as part of the process, like queefing.  For some people though, the idea of asking for verbal consent is as destructive to an intimate encounter as whiskey-dick or seeing a picture of Janet Reno.

Some people view the push for verbal consent as an unnecessary version of a sex contract that ruins the intimacy of an encounter; it kills the mood.  Some guys think it somehow undermines the classical male sexual fantasy they are trying to embody.  Some girls don’t do it because social conditioning.  Ladies are more than just groomed to not say “no” when they don’t want something.  Plenty of women are never groomed to say “yes” when they do.

Speaking with my female friends, they seem to be just as unacclimated to giving consent as plenty of guys are unacclimated to asking for it.  Lots of my female friends have told to me that they have frozen up silently when guys have asked them.  The guys went ahead with Schrodinger’s Consent, and things have worked out sometimes.  And just like plenty of guys believe they can read nonverbal consent, plenty of girls have tried to give nonverbal consent by doing weird shit like averting their eyes and starting to giggle.  

Just this last weekend, I was at a Halloween party I was hosting for the Chicago Poly Community.  I invited along a lady that I had been on two dates with.  I thought the dates went pretty well.  At the end of our second date, she even gave me a kiss…in the face!  Third time seeing her, I invite her out to the Polyween party.  She looks to be having a great time meeting people and hitting the dance floor.  I even had some time to share a dance with her.

When I’m dancing with someone I don’t know…or only kind of know, I keep my hands to myself  unless I ask permission first.  So she and I had some of that sweet intimate-but-separate dancing for a spell.  I leaned in and asked her if I could put my hand on the small of her back.  She didn’t respond, though.  I thought she didn’t hear me, so I asked again.  She averted her eyes and started giggling.  Then I told her straight; I wasn’t going to touch her without her verbal consent.  Instead of saying yes or even nodding her head, she instead turned around and began grinding her ass against my crotch.  It was some straight-up tweenstyle frottage on the dancefloor.  To me, I felt like she was more comfortable doing this than saying “yes” which was really unsettling.

I’ve had a date where we were giggling in between sharing a big plate of nachos and discussing our mutual affinity for cunnilingus.  Nachos turn into a motorcycle ride to her place for coffee.  While we were waiting for the lattes to cool, I asked if I could give her a kiss.  When I leaned in to kiss her, it was like her libido was a party popper and I just pulled the cord.  We collapsed on the kitchen floor, frantically snogging each other like ravenous octopi.  She ripped both of our clothes off, pitching them at the recycling bin, the dish rack, the cat.  When I was finally able to come up for air and lay her back on the checkered tiles, I began kissing down her bare midsection.  I stopped at her waistline and said something brazen and ridiculous:

“I don’t mean to be too forward.  But if you’ll have me, I’d be awful fond of slinging your legs around my neck and eating out your snatch like I was wearing a fucking feedbag.
I gave that imagery a second to set in and let her finish giggling before I followed up:
“I don’t mean to make those kind of moves without your blessing, though.  May I?”

She didn’t respond with a “yes”, but I know she heard my question.  She averted her eyes and started giggling.  I decided to shoot her straight.  I told her I don’t like to get involved with peoples’ genitals unless I have aggressive consent.  She still didn’t say anything.  She grabbed a fistful of my hair and stuffed my face down into her crotch.  I know it’s dangerous to go ahead without enthusiastic verbal consent, but I did that thing where I put my faith in reading nonverbal cues.

On the one hand, I was a little put off that she wouldn’t just say “yes”.  I was put off that I put all this work into verbal consent and she didn’t ask if she could ball up my pompadour and put me to work.  I was put off that she was bold enough to ride on a stranger’s motorcycle and let him into her home, strip him naked and decorate the kitchen with his clothes, then let perfectly good coffee get cold; but this whole saying “yes” thing was just too much.  Yeah, I was a little put off.

On the other hand, she was smokin’ hot and I wasn’t fibbing when I made my original offer…

Lots of people believe that nonverbal consent is acceptable if the guy is following the gal’s lead.  But this opens a whole different slew of issues.  Sure, there are ladies who are more comfortable taking the reigns silently than they are with responding verbally to a consent request.  But for one thing, they aren’t as common as girls who just freeze up silently and make no response despite their desires.  The other issue with letting the woman lead is questioning whether women should be held to the same standard of verbal consent as men.  Letting the woman lead without verbal consent operates under the assumption that men can never be the victims of rape-adjacent sex with a woman.

Getting over the problems with consent is going to be tough.  For everyone.

Obviously, us guys are going to need to dramatically beef up our efforts to gain consent.  But we’re all in this together and there’s a lot of work that women have to do to undo this consent bind we’re all in.  Just like guys need to know when to ask, girls need to know when to tell.  Something I’ve learned in my greater efforts to get consent is that girls have been raised to do a lot of confusing shit when it comes to consent.

I’m all but spent with confusing consent issues.  I was reading this great article by Leah Libresco about rape-adjacent sex.  She recommends guys conduct a “reverse-lysistrata“, where we boycott sex with women who aren’t willing to give us verbal consent.  While many may scoff at the idea, I don’t think this is that far off.  I know plenty of my male peers who won’t have sex with a girl if they have to wear a condom, plenty won’t have sex with a girl if she won’t perform fellatio first, plenty who go soft if a gal hasn’t shaved her legs.  If these trivialities can keep guys from having sex, hell yeah I believe we can hold out without verbal consent.

Up until the revolution comes, though, we’re could all try a little more to diffuse some of these issues.

TO THE MEN OF THE WORLD:

Will a greater effort for verbal consent be damaging to the intimate encounters that you have?  Not really.

I’ve been a consent thumper for the past few years and it hasn’t reduced the amount of girls I’ve brought home.  I may have a few novelties to sway the ladies in my direction, but consent is easy enough to get.  In the event that you bring home a gal who can’t say “yes”, you could certainly make a fun game of giving her consent to take charge, otherwise you may just have to spend the night platonically.  It might be better to not have sex with someone who’s got an issue with a push for consent.  Any girl who would get turned off by the idea of you asking first is probably not the kind of person you wanna take home.

TO THE WOMEN OF THE WORLD:

Be ready to say no.  Be ready to say yes.

Nobody is going to call you a slut.  Unless that’s what you want.  In which case you should definitely tell us.

Ask for consent.  Ask for us to ask for consent.  Take the initiative.

If you’re the kind of lady who’s already capable, god bless you.  Help your sisters reach that level of confidence and comfort.

To everyone:

This might mean that I don’t have a whole lot of bedroom skills to be complimented on, but the most common compliment I receive from a new lover is that they really liked how I asked before I did anything.  Flattering though it is, I don’t want to be complimented for this anymore.  Asking for consent shouldn’t be something I get recognition for, this should be a standard practice.  I want people to request/grant consent while fucking as easily as they gloss over the sheets getting ruffled while fucking.  I want girls to feel comfortable owning their sexuality, especially if it means telling guys like me they want that D.  I want to lay in bed with a new lover, catching our breath and I want to be complimented for my cuddling ability, my O-face, my bedsheets…fucking anything except asking for consent.

A consent revolution isn’t going to happen overnight.  It’s not going to happen because of the actions of one gender.  It’s going to happen one person at a time until it becomes the standard.

What converted me?  Somebody asked me.

 

 

 

 

AUTHORS NOTE: I understand that this article was written with a very heteronormative idea of relationships which falls heavily on the false gender dichotomy.  The spectrum of love and gender is vast and wide and yet still unexplored completely!  I apologize if you feel like this article does not apply to you because you do not subscribe to these ideas.  This article is directed towards the sizable population of conventional datership that does.

Erotolalia

I remember the first time a partner asked me to talk dirty.  I didn’t know what the hell to say.  Here I was, the proud author of a whole moleskine of angsty teen poetry, and I couldn’t even muster the words to tell someone how bad I wanted to fuck them.  How embarrassing.

When I finally scrounged up the courage, I regurgitated a few standard lines I’d heard in porno about how I thought she was soooo hoooot.  I told her that she made me hooooorny.  I told her I liked how she made me haaaaard.  Then, I don’t know why, but I said some silly-ass shit that I don’t even want to look at while I’m writing this, so you can highlight it to read what I said to the sweet older woman who took in a young man and broke his chatter-cherry:
|“Tell me you like my hard cock.  Yeah, tell me it’s as hard as a…uh…as hard as a…carrot.”|

This kind of newbie fumbling is surprisingly common from what I’ve heard.  So unfortunately, in the rare occasion that somebody finds the chutzpah to try it, they often get too embarrassed to give it a second go.  Just like surfing or buttsex, some people have such a bad experience on their first try that they never get to know the real joys of exploring it once you’ve had some practice.

Getting practiced can seem very daunting.  But it’s not as scary as it may seem.  50 Shades of Grey was on the best seller list for 50 weeks straight.  And it’s not like E.L. James had an accomplished career as a writer or a supernatural command of language that kept it there.  Hell, people even tell me that I make a decent showing with indecent verbiage.  If you’re not sure what kind of language gets people’s jimmies rustled, check out literotica’s top voted stories.  Not to downplay it, I’ve been batin’ to Literotica since I used to visit on Netscape Navigator.  But when you read through these stories, it’s plain to see that you don’t need to be master of eroticism to say something that turns people on.

How Do I Start?

If you want to test your chops against an anonymous recipient, consider an anonymous chat client like omegle or chatroulette.  Many people freeze up and stay silent when they see another person and can’t practice.  If you’re communication is text-based, it gives you some drafting time to start building your sexy language abilities.  Because it’s an anonymous client, you also get the chance to embody a different persona for the conversation.  Consider playing a different gender/age/race/orientation.  Trying on the shoes of another persuasion also gives you a more complete understanding of human sexuality.  After you’re more comfortable, consider talking in-person with a partner!

Dirty talking is one of the safest kinks to explore with a partner.  It’s not like pegging or hook suspension where you can go too far too fast too easily.  But just because you won’t need a speculum to fix a mistake, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t talk about it beforehand.  Are they ready to hear you say something nasty?  Are they ready to return communique?  You can even make this chat part of the dirty talking!

Go over with your partner about things they like and don’t like for bedroom verbiage.  Is there something special they like calling you?  Master?  Boy?  Daddy?  Is there something special they like being called?  Mistress?  Slut?  Xena, Warrior Princess?

Clarification is good to prevent hiccups.  What is totally unacceptable to say outside the bedroom might be just what your partner wants to hear.  But it’s dangerous to assume that one inappropriate word is acceptable just because they accept another.

I had a partner once who loved getting bent over and called names.  I called them a filthy slut, a dirty whore. But when I experimented and used the B-word, the sex immediately halted and she turned back and shot me with a fearsome BKB (Read: Boner Killing Bitchface), and informed me that particular nomenclature would not be acceptable.

I hope she’s not reading this…

Ask them if they have any trigger words, good or bad.  What language do they like for anatomy?  They may be alright calling it a cunt, snatch or hole; but the word “pussy” might be unacceptable.  Let your partner know that you’re alright calling it a cock, dick, or shaft…but you’ve always liked when people call it MEGATRON.   What language do you both want for the act itself?  Bangin’?  Making love?  Riding the train to pound town?

After you’ve got a bead on what their ears are ready to receive, get an idea of what kind of communication they’re willing to deliver; or if they even want to deliver.  Like cunnilingus or cash tips; some people like dirty talking, but only when they’re on the receiving end.  One-sided dirty talking is fine, though.  Just like cunnilingus or cash tips, plenty of people find giving very gratifying on its own.

When Do I Start?

Dirty talking can come very naturally once you know how to start.  For me, sparking the fires starts in a number of different ways that are heavily context-sensitive.  If it’s first thing in the morning, I will wake my partner slowly by mentioning what I might have been dreaming about doing to them.  If we’re out together in public, I might whisper in their ear about some nearby corner where I would like to steal away and what debauchery might ensue.  If we’re just getting ready for bed, I would really like to tell them what I’ve been thinking about doing all day.

Ask your partners what they think about when they’re touching themselves.  Tell them what you think about when you do it.  It’s alright to give a little flattery fiction in this part of the foreplay.  If you’ve crafted a fantasy about them in your mind, tell them about it!  It may not be exactly what you’re thinking about when you’re batin’, but it’s still nice to hear your fantasies!  Even if you can only get off to the weird stuff, partners are glad to know you’ve considered them when treating yourself.

When you’re dirty talking though, make sure you are speaking clear and loud enough that your partner can hear.  It can be painfully awkward if you to ask to repeat.  And it can be painfully awkwarder to have to repeat.

Though it’s a fine vehicle for foreplay, dirty talking is more than just an opening ceremony.  It can even enhance the experience when you don’t say anything until you’re fucking so hard that the wallpaper starts peeling.

What Do I Say?

After you’ve established what does and does not rustle your partner’s jimmies, there is a broad palette to paint your soliloquy; so broad, it might be intimidating.  I prefer to narrow my focus to a specific theme to develop as the dirty talking blossoms.  Here are some winning strategies I’ve discovered and some examples I’ve delivered/experienced:

  1. Explain the Current Situation
    Simple and effective.  This is the bread and butter of dirty talking.  If you’re not sure how to start or how to sustain, you can always defer to this strategy.  Explain what is happening in as much graphic detail as you are capable.  Ava Devine, the “Lady in the Lake of Porn”, has practically built an entire career around this kind of dirty talking.
    EXAMPLES:
    “You’re fucking me so hard you’re making my titties bounce”
    “You’re taking every inch of my hard dick”
    “Your balls are slapping against me while you fuck my ass”
  2. Wish List
    One of the best ways to get what you want is to ask for what you want.  Maybe you’re begging for something.  Maybe you’re demanding something.  Or maybe you’re just explaining with colorful detail the exact circumstances of how you like to be pleased.  Communicating about your desires in the bedroom is an integral part of good sex.  Dirty talking can be a really fun vehicle for those conversations!
    EXAMPLES:
    “Please bend me over and fill up my hole”
    “Stick your pinky out when you do it and suck my dick like a lady”
    “Eat up my pussy like an ice cream cone”
  3. Assume your Role
    If you and your partner have a BDSM dynamic to your relationship, or you’re just doing a sexy roleplay; falling back on your characters will keep the conversation flowing.  You can bark orders if you are dominating.  You can declare your loyalty if you’re displaying submission.  You can just refer to your partner as the character they are playing in your roleplay.  This is a good way to anchor people in the fantasy.
    EXAMPLES:
    “Good kitty.  Don’t waste a drop”
    “I live to please my mistress”
    “I’ve always wanted to feel my brother’s hard cock!”
  4. Explain Who You/they Are
    While this certainly ties into roleplaying; sometimes, you’re not roleplaying.  There are plenty of meaningful and real positions that people have in each others lives that can be brought up.  Instead of anchoring your partner in a fantasy, this anchors them in the fantastic reality of the relationship that you already have.
    EXAMPLES:
    “I’m you’re good, little, private slut”
    “I know you like your hubby’s big, hard dick”
    “Fuck me, I’m your girl!”
  5. Speak a Different Language
    This is the diet coke of raceplay.  You may not be ready to wear a sombrero in the bedroom; but calling your boyfriend papi can still be really hot and naughty.  Even if it’s not necessarily your native language, it can make the encounter that much more exotic.  I had a recovering weaboo in the bedroom one time and I forced her to refer to me as senpai and say DESU DESU DESU DESU whenever she was climaxing.
    EXAMPLES:
    “Fais-moi grimper au rideau.” [French]
    “Fick mich schneller” [German]
    “Mapigo yako ni kiboko.” [Swahili]
  6. Praise Your Partner
    While you never want to compliment too much in a relationship, those rules go out the window when you’re bangin’.
    Lots of rules do.
    In that, you can’t spill enough language exalting your partner.  You can lay thick compliments about their body, their mind, their spirit, their skill.  It doesn’t necessarily even need to all be true.  If you’re comfortable with it, a little hyperbole goes a long way.
    EXAMPLES:
    “You’re so big, I won’t be able to walk straight later”
    “This ass is yours.  You deserve it.  Take it until you’re ready to let me taste a hot load of your cum”
    “You have such a cute little snatch, I love to watch my cock disappear into your beautiful bush”
  7. Degrade Your Partner
    Saying nice things is sweet.  Saying things that aren’t nice can be really fucking hot, though.  This one you’re definitely going to need to discuss beforehand.  While some people are really into getting put down, plenty of people are exceedingly selective about the levels of degradation they will accept.  At some point, degradation becomes insults and people can go from feeling really naughty to really shitty.  After you’ve discussed things, you can start exploring conversational dominance.
    EXAMPLES:
    “You’re such a dirty whore, you let me use up all your holes”
    “You were born to eat my pussy.  You should just quit your job”
    “Choke down this dick like a twinkie you fat slut”
  8. Prompt Them
    Just like regular conversations, I always prefer dirty talking with someone instead of at someone.  One of the easiest ways to play off each other is with a question/prompt.  Taking the initiative and engaging your partner is sometimes the only way to get them to start talking with you.  You can inquire about their current state and see if there is anything else they want you could indulge or maniacally disregard!  You could ask them to repeat after you.  You could beg them to say something to you.
    EXAMPLES:
    “Does my man like my tight, little cunt?”
    “Tell me you’re my fuck toy”
    “Who does this ass belong to?”

 

When Do I Stop?

When somebody drops the safeword, that means the dirty talking needs to clean up quick.  But even if they haven’t dropped the safeword, you can certainly adjust the levels of intensity depending on how they respond.  If you’re in the middle of a scene and they mention something about the language approaching territory where they feel uncomfortable, it’s easy enough to wind things back.

When you are done with a scene, sometimes it helps to take care of a partner without dirty talking them.  Sure, aftercare in character can be a good way to not suspend the encounter.  But sometimes, your partners might need to be brought out of the scene by breaking character.  One of the easiest ways to pull people out of the dirty-talking headspace is to refer to them by their name directly.

 

What Works for You?

The explorations above are just the tip of the dirty-talking iceberg.  These are just my experiences.  And I come from a very different place in my motivations for dirty talking.

Sometimes, I’m too lazy to give foreplay properly.  Enticing your partner’s body involves hands, fingers, tongues and a brain that’s willing to orchestrate all of that in the correct order and tempo.  Working people up is work!

Thankfully, there is an avenue for foreplay that caters to my sensitivities as a sloth.  They always say that the mind is the biggest sex organ.  If I can stimulate that without even having to move, I might do that first thing in the morning instead of slopping my groggy face into some half-assed BJ to get my partner ready.  And getting myself talking stimulates my biggest sex organ to boot.

What are your reasons for wanting to talk dirty?  What are some things that people have said that turned you on?  Turned you off?

Post your responses in the comments below!

Long Live the Quean

snapshot (2)

Sometimes, I tie my girlfriend up and fuck other girls in front of her.  I do this because I’m a feminist.

Stick with me on this one…

In the realm of subbing, there is the common practice of cuckoldry.  Cuckoldry  is a sexual fetish in which a male sub is stimulated by their gal having sex with another man (this other man is called the “bull”).  As a man of feminist ideals though, I don’t see this as something that only men can have.  Actually, the practice of doing this to a female bottom already exists and it’s called Cuckqueaning.  Cuckqueaning is a pretty delightful blend of non-monogamy, teasing, and humiliation play.  If both parties are keen on a cocktail with those three ingredients, you can mix like mad!

I’ve had a longstanding relationship with a wonderful woman who likes to be cucked.  If you’re still figuring out whether or not you would like to cuck (or be cucked by) your partner, hopefully these musings will rustle your nest in the right direction.

Why the Cuck?

Tons of reasons.  As a male top, there’s a lot of emotions you can invoke when you ‘force’ your partner to watch you fucking someone else:

  • Uninvited
    It’s that feeling that you get when you were in gym class and everyone else was getting picked for a team before you.  Remember those feelings of helplessness and shame?  Those come into play hard when cucking.  If you don’t remember those feelings because you were always picked first, then fuck you.
  • Spectator Sport
    Outside of the feelings of degradation, there are some great feelings of voyeurism for the sub to explore and exhibitionism for the dom and his lady-bull.  Also, a woman (ideally) finds her partner sexy enough to want to watch them performing sexually.  It’s like watching a live action porno with people you already like!
  • Fair-Weather Bisexuality
    An FMF threesome is a good way for a girl who is a 1 on the Kinsey Scale to see if she’s a 2 or 3.  Cuckqueaning is a good way for her to see if she’s even a 1.  After she sees how she feels about sharing a room with another lady during a sexual encounter, she can see about sharing more.
  • Hyper-Compersion
    A sub can feel like she is servicing her top by letting another girl please him.  Especially if she arranged or helped arrange the liaisons, there can be a sense of satisfaction from treating her dom, as well as treating the third party involved.
  • Girl Power
    As I mentioned before, the male-focused cuckoldry is distinctly more popular than cuckqueaning.  Cuckqueaning is an avenue for women to occupy a conventionally male space.

If any of this has piqued you and your partner’s interest and you would like to explore it, there are some avenues for that!

The Setup

Setting up a cuckqueanery is similar enough to arranging an FMF threesome.  Be sensitive to the differences between these two orchestrations, though:

  1. This affair borders on group-sex, kink, and polyamory.  In that respect, a potential third could be found in any of these communities.
  2. The girl you’re looking for doesn’t have to be sexually interested in girls.  As long as she’s interested in being watched by another girl, you’ll do fine.
  3. Like exploring any new fetish, discuss limits and safewords with everyone involved beforehand.  While a sub may be alright being ‘forced’ to watch a different girl riding her dom like a mechanical bull, the same sub might be very unexcited by the idea of her dom bending another girl over in front of her.  Make sure everyone has had a chance to resolve any hesitations.  And when you finally make that maiden voyage, be ready to slow down and/or stop if there are any issues during the event.

The Execution

Once all the pieces are in place, there’s a number of different ways to optimize your experience.

  1. Employ Bondage
    Strap them up to a chair so they can’t go anywhere.  Force them to watch (Eye speculum optional).  Or force them to turn away and only hear the moans and slapping noises.  If the sub is to be released, this can be done slowly.  After she puts up with the foreplay, give the sub a hand that she can use to treat herself.
  2. Talk Smack
    If the sub is into verbal abuse, this is a brilliant opportunity to talk some shit.  The guy could talk about how much tighter the new girl feels, the lady-bull can comment on how good it feels to be the one girl he’s taking.
  3. Serfs Up
    Service subs can always be put to work.  The sub can help by holding the hitachi in place, wiping the sweat off her man’s forehead, operating the camera and recording the event on video.  At the end, she can remove the condom and dispose of it.  Or she can be made to clean up the moneyshot with a paper towel…or her tongue.
  4. All that Jizz
    I’ve talked before about all the neat things couples can do with a man’s ejaculate.  You can really expand on that when you’re cuckqueaning.  Most guys only get one, so the sub is going to want that.  The sub might be acclimated to causing it and/or receiving it.  This desire can be warped and twisted into a form of subjugation.  Milk a used condom into the sub’s mouth, finish into the lady-bull’s mouth and have her spit it in the sub’s face.  If the lady-bull and dom are fluid-bonded, there can even be a creampie dessert for the sub to eat the literally sloppy seconds.
  5. Shove it in their face
    While having sex in front of a sub is a good way to ‘force’ them to watch, doms can be more aggressive in forcing this voyeurism.  A sub can be grabbed by the hair and have their face placed inches from where the penetration is happening.  The dom can fingerblast the lady-bull and then force the sub to smell it.

Ultimately, I’ve always been fond of cuckqueaning a sub from a social justice perspective.  In the realm of sexual paraphilias there are vastly more men into cuckoldry then there are women into its opposite (The ratio of subscribers in Reddit’s related communities is 25,350 : 5021).  This ties into the naughty=hot-as-fuck paradigm which is one of the truest mantras of sexuality.  I believe the reason there are more fans of cuckoldry is because cuckqueaning is simply much less taboo.

When a woman is nonmonogamous with other men, we call her a whore and she’s stoned to death in certain parts of the world.  When a man is nonmonogamous with other women; people generally just shake their heads in disapproval or it’s because he is a bigamist in certain parts of the world.  In our society, it’s almost expected that all men will have a failure of fidelity.  In that respect, it’s not nearly as inappropriate for a man to be with another woman.  Because cuckqueaning is ‘merely’ male infidelity, there’s less of a following.

I’m not even particularly ravenous to cuck my partner.  If I put the effort into arranging to be in the bedroom causing some shenanigans with two women, ideally they’ll both be directly involved.  In that, cuckqueaning is less satisfying than a threeway, but I still love it.  I love cuckqueaning primarily because I want to live in a world where it’s as inappropriate for a man to be unfaithful as it is for a woman.

Have you ever been queaned?  Wanted to be queaned?  Had some success queaning?  Leave your experiences in the comments below!

 

PS

Also, I use the term lady-bull because I didn’t find ‘cow’ quite as fitting.  I’m also open to hearing the preferred nomenclature for this…

Role Call

Usually when I roleplay, I play an elf wizard.  Sometimes though, I pretend to be a rapist.  Bedroom roleplays may not involve any dice, but they are certainly a good deal of fun.  A lot of people claim they wouldn’t know how to begin a bedroom roleplay, but most of us have been training since we were kids!

Playing pretend was always one of my favorite activities.  Growing up, my friends and I would pretend we were the Power Rangers, the X-Men, the Animaniacs.  Sometimes, we would even play ‘house’ and pretend to be adults.  I remember the play being so enlivening; trying to be someone else.  Pre-empting all of your talk and actions to fit into this version of you that wasn’t you.  Watching your friends do it was great too.  I loved seeing them struggle to fit into a different character than their usual personality, or revel in a part of themselves they didn’t usually get to inhabit.

Tragically, playing pretend gets phased out along with other great activities we practiced in our youth; like Red-Rover and optimism for the future.  Most people never try a sexy roleplay, but playing pretend in your adult bedroom is important for a number of reasons.

In becoming someone else in the sack, you get the chance to evaluate your usual bedroom persona.  You get see the areas you don’t really explore, as well as the areas where you excel.  Similarly, your partner will get the chance to experience these in you and see themselves from the outside too.  Pretending can be especially beneficial for monogamous couples.  After all, if you’re only going to be sleeping with one person for the rest of your life, then it can be very good to explore the different dimensions of their sexual personality.

Before I dive into the gritty details of some standard bedroom roleplays, there are two basic principles I want to drive home about roleplaying in the bedroom:

  1. Safewords-
    Your roleplay might go somewhere real dark.  Make sure your partner and you have an established safeword so that you both know when it’s time to break character
  2. Fantasies and Desires-
    A roleplay is a chance to explore something sexually that cannot happen in real life.  A lot of the time though, it’s a chance to explore the sexual aspect of a scenario that should not happen in real life.  Make sure you keep yourself in check by acknowledging what’s happening as a fantasy, not a desire.  If it’s a fantasy, it’s a harmless and all you need to do is find another consenting adult to help you explore it.  If it’s a desire, that means you want to make this scenario happen in real life, and you should strongly consider speaking to a psychological professional about your feelings.

Having said that, here are some potential roleplays to try with your partner(s).  I’ve separated them into different ratings, based on how unconventional they are.  I recommend everyone start at the tamer end of things and work your way up to other roleplays that interest you:

PG-13 Roleplays

These are a really great way to explore the wilder side of vanilla-ish sex.  These are the fuzzy handcuffs of bedroom roleplays.

  1. The Strangers-
    Your partner(s) and yourself go to a bar and pretend to be people who don’t know each other.  Drinks get purchased, cheesy pickup lines get dropped, by last call you’ve decided to go home with each other (or to a hotel if you want the roleplay to be more immersive).  This is a brilliant first-time roleplay for couples to do.  It is a good way to step outside of yourselves while still recognizing the special parts about each other that you fell for in the first place.
  2. The Service-
    One of you pretends to be the french maid, plumber, massues, repairman, nurse, doctor, hair-stylist, shoeshine boy, and/or beekeeper.  One of you needs a service performed.  The other provides the service and then a few more services.  This is a great opportunity to play with costumes and power dynamics.
  3. The Love Machine-
    Sci-Fi nerds will dig this one.  One of you is a robot built to please the other.  The robot is programmed to do exactly as it’s told.  It is also fully functional and anatomically correct.
  4. The Rule 34-
    Based on the eponymous internet rule of the same name, this is where one/both/all of you dress up as a fictional character.  You can be Sailor Moon and Tuxedo Mask, you can double team Catwoman as Batman and Robin, you can have a Digidestined orgy!  Don’t feel bound up in one franchise, though.  Consider crossing medias like Silk Spectre/Deadpool, Vampirella/Deadpool, or Superman/Deadpool.  Those of you in the Cosplay community should definitely try this one.  I’d hate to think of your Daenerys and Khal Drogo costumes collecting dust in between cons.
  5. The Fantasy-
    Similar to the Rule 34, but this one is your own story.  Those of you with degrees in english and/or writing, I’m looking at you.  Maybe you’ve always wanted to be taken in the night by a vampire (whichever kind you like).  Ever been to a Renaissance Fare and want to go medieval on someone’s ass?  Or maybe you have a character in an existing tabletop roleplaying game that you would want to inhabit sensually for an exotic LARP.  It puts a whole new spin on the phrase “dungeon master”.
  6. Pet Play-
    Have you always been intrigued by animality in the bedroom, but totally turned off by the furry community?  If so, then petplay might be for you.  One of you is the master, the other(s) are the pet.  Be it cat, dog, horse, bunny, pig, hermit crab, etc; the important thing is that you belong to the master.  Go to the local Petsmart and invest in some supplies, then treat your partner(s) like the critter of their choosing.  They even make butt plugs with the tail of your choice(NSFW)!  Use the collar, leash, food dish, neck cone, and/or squeaky toy like they were your pet.  And then have sex with them like they were your pet!  consenting, adult, humans.
  7. School Play-
    I’ve had plenty of partners in the past tell me that they used to have a crush on their teacher when they were teenagers and wanted to roleplay out that old fantasy.  After I became a teacher, every partner I had wanted that roleplay.  The classroom converts to a place of torture pretty easily.  Rulers make for fine spanking implements, plaid skirts can be left on mid-coitus and used as leverage if someone is bent over.  Also, standing next to someone sitting at a desk puts them at optimal height for performing fellatio.  The magnum opus of my schoolplay career was a detention roleplay that ended with the ‘student’ being bent over the desk and fucked wide open while writing “I will not dress like a slut in class” a hundred times.  She never finished.  I sure did, though.
  8. Gender Play-
    Maybe one (or both/all) of you wants to see what it’s like from the other sex’s side of sex.  This doesn’t mean you should audition for Rupaul’s Drag Race or anything.  Guys might have a fantasy about having their skirts lifted up, their panties moved over to the side and being taken from behind.  Girls may have always wanted to put on a suit and feed their strap-on/feeldo out the zipper to fuck someone like a man would.  Try a prom night roleplay where one/both of you take on the opposite genders!

R Rated Roleplays

These are a little more intense, much of them relying on consensual non-consent.  So make sure you’ve got a safeword!

  1. Rape Play-
    This is, by far, the most common roleplay that gets requested from me.  It’s a very common fantasy (Read: Fantasy!  Not desire!) for plenty of women.  I’ve also fantasized about being on the receiving end of someone who is just going to take me, regardless of what I say.  There’s something very exciting about the idea of being taken.  The person who is doing the taking is also taken.  They are taken with a need to do things to your body, to use you up.  That kind of animalistic desire can be very sexy.  Maybe ‘the assailant’ was waiting for you to get home before they assaulted you, maybe two of them lured you over for a movie just to hold you down and take turns with you, or maybe you’re being held up at (hopefully a fake) gun point.  In a rape scenario, “no” will not always mean no.  So make sure you’ve got a safeword ready!
  2. Blackmail-
    It’s not forced sex.  Though, it’s certainly not willing.  In that, it has the same power exchange as a rape play.  But there’s less physical control involved.  You’re still taking, but it’s only because you ‘have’ something they ‘want’.  This could be some incriminating evidence that you lord over them for sexual service or a favor they need from you that you demand physical repayment.  Write your own story and be creative!
  3. Military Play-
    Uniforms are very sexy.  In both guys and girls.  But even more than that, military play is grounded heavily in power exchange.  You could have a USO performer come to take care of our boys overseas, a strict female lieutenant who intends to break a young upstart cadet, or a spy who’s captured by an intelligence officer that gets tortured and interrogated.
  4. The Adult Service-
    Just like the PG-13 Service, except you’re not the janitor.  One of you is a stripper, hooker, or gigolo.  The neat thing about this roleplay is the use of money.  You can use monopoly money if you really want, but there is something very exciting about hard green cash.  Make the service crawl after a trail of bills to your lap, make it rain while they are bent over in front of you.  If you’re the service in this case, you can have a ‘price’ per act.  Then try and upsell your client on higher fares.

 

NC-17 Roleplays

These are some exceeeeeeedingly taboo roleplays.  Make sure that you are 100% comfortable with yourself and your partner before you dive in to try any of these.  You are definitely going to need to recognize the difference between fantasies and desires prior to approaching any of these subjects.  These are so far from Vanilla, they’re practically sorbet.  Because these acts are so impossibly taboo though, it can be a real sign of trust if somebody wants to explore them with you.

  1. Ageplay-
    Pretending to be an age that you aren’t, but not for stuff like beer or cheap movie tickets.  There are two main ageplayer circles in the kink community.  There is the ABDL (Adult Baby Diaper Lovers) and the DDLG (Daddy Dominant Little Girls).  These are where the majority of ageplayers are if you were interested in connecting with that community.  The ABDL community relies heavily on the use of adult-sized baby costumes, and involves bottle feeding and diaper changing.  I have had zero experience with this community, so I strongly encourage you to search fetlife for a local branch that can give you a more comprehensive understanding.  I’ve had some experience in the DDLG field, though.  Now, some people just like calling their partner “daddy” in the bedroom.  Some of my partners wanted the full father/daughter roleplay – 24/7.  They wanted me to take them out for a happy meal, watch cartoons with them, then read them a story before bed.  But not all ageplay is incest play.  I had a partner pretend to be an 8-year-old trick-or-treater who came knocking on my door dressed as Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz.  My character explained that I was out of candy, and she should come upstairs where I have some more.  10 minutes later, there was some very raucous anal sex happening where I was ‘forcing’ her to scream “we’re not in Kansas any more!”
  2. Incest Play- 
    Not all ageplay is incest and not all incest is ageplay.  While the daddy/daughter is certainly the most common, I’ve had multiple partners explain a fantasy they’ve had about being taken by an older brother.  It could be that you’re living with your older brother until you find a job, and he just got broken up with by a gal, so you decide to relieve some stress on that front.  It could be that your cousin is staying in town and there is a forbidden lust that arises.  Rachel Steele(NSFW) is the premiere adult entertainer concerning films whose storylines centralized on incest.  There is also a popular internet trend called Wincest(NSFW) which is just captioned photos that you could potentially use to inspire a roleplay.  Those of you in interracial relationships may need to stretch your imaginations unless you want a scenario involving your step-family(NSFW) which leads us directly into:
  3. Raceplay-
    Thin ice, this one.  It may even be more taboo than ageplay and incest play.  It’s at least a lot harder to find porn of it (NSFW)
    Raceplay is the sexual roleplay relying heavily on race and racism.  I’ve heard of Black slave and White master, Vietnam soldier and villager, even SS Soldier and Auschwitz prisoner.  Be ready to push some social limits if you’re exploring this one.  Do some research if you are interested in some race-appropriate put-downs.

Those are just the roleplays I’ve explored, though.  If I missed any, I hope you post them in the comments for everyone to see!  If you want to explore a roleplay, but aren’t necessarily comfortable doing it with a partner, there are avenues for that too.  I recommend hopping onto a website with some anonymous chat features like Omegle.com or finding a group dedicated to online roleplaying like the one on fetlife.

Also, because I was a Dungeon Master since third edition, I’ve arranged each of these categories so that you can roll dice to determine which roleplay you would like to do with your partner.  Hopefully, you have some polyhedral dice handy, because the PG-13 list can be determined with a d8, the R Rated list is rolled with a d4, and the NC-17 list is rolled with a d3.

I also recommend you mix and match all these categories.  You could have a military father who turns into a werewolf rapist every full moon!

Some of the best roleplays are a combination of the categories.  Therefore, I have also written this chart where you can roll a 20-sided-die (a “d20”, as the cool kids call it) to determine which roleplay(s) you could be doing!

d20roll

 

Flawless Victory

Image

Yes, I do sometimes equate my ejaculation with a fatality like in the old Mortal Kombat Arcade.  That game taught me a lot about my own sexuality.  There are a lot of parallels for me between my sex life and the 1992 Mortal Kombat game:

  • I use special moves
  • It happens in a dungeon sometimes
  • There’s one girl for every six guys
  • Every round doesn’t last longer than 90 seconds
  • The movie adaptations were very disappointing

I draw very special attention to the end of the match though, the finishing move.  Even if it’s a great match, and our fingers are worked to burger and we are gasping for breath at the end of yelling wild things at each other the whole time, even then, it’s no good without the Pièce de résistance.  When the announcer says FINISH HIM, you’ve got to deliver the fatality.  Or in the case of a good session of fucking, my climax; which I sometimes call a fatality.

Most guys can only finish one time.  Because of this, that culminating spell of godsent bliss is their only official time to shine.  As long as it’s harmless, I encourage you to tolerate, nay, celebrate whatever noises, faces, or other celebrations they want to make.  After all, you helped them make it!

Specifically though, I want to talk about what happens to my ejaculate.  I can only churn out so much every day, I don’t want to see it go any old place!

With no further ado, I give you:

Pilot Precise’s Guide to the Spectacle of Jizzing

First thing you need to decide is where you want that thing to go off.

Some recommendations:

  • In you
  • On you
  • On something (or someone) else

Finishing Inside

Make sure you’re using condoms unless you have an established fluid bonding with your partner, of course.  Protected or no, finishing inside someone is less a spectacle of jizz and more a spectacle of reaction and symbolism.  But we can still make a show of it:

  • In a condom-
    There’s nothing wrong with having a guy finish in a condom (unless he’s allergic to whatever material you’re using).  It’s hard to make a spectacle of his climax with this, though.  What you can do: make a spectacle out of taking the condom off.  Roll it off slowly, paying attention to the parts of him that are still sensitive.  Then make a fun prop out of the condom:
    -Milk it out onto your body or into your mouth.
    -Tell him you’re keeping the used condom in your panties all day.
    -Take the condom off and pitch it against the wall.  Try to make it stick!
  • In a vagina (creampieing)-
    Firstly, make sure that the person is using birth control and that the two of you are on the same page considering abortion.  Unless you are looking to procreate, then just go buckwild!  Finishing inside of a vagina is a really intimate experience, as far as your bodies are concerned, your progenerating the human race; which feels pretty good.  You can color it kinky by:
    -Finger yourself afterwards, then lick your fingers
    -Having a third partner eat you out so they can taste the cum
    -Say something really kinky while he’s finishing, like “I want to have your abortion”.
  • In the anus
    Anal creampies are really fun with major pros and major cons.  The pros include zero chance of pregnancy.  But unless you’re into anal felching[NSFW], there’s not a lot you can do once the deposit has been made.
  • In the mouth
    If you need to pull out, but don’t want to make a mess of anything but your partner, giving it to them in the mouth is an excellent option.  Spit, swallow, or snowball; it says a lot when you take a shot in the mouth.  Here are some items that can really enhance the experience:
    -Make sure your guy doesn’t smoke and limits heavy drinking.  Have him eat a lot of foods with natural sugars, like Pineapple.  This will make his semen taste much better and you can compliment him on giving you a treat!
    -After he’s pumped your mouth full of cum, if you don’t want to swallow, you can let it drip down onto your body.  That way, your guy won’t feel any dejection of seeing his load get spit into the trash/toilet/hamper.

Finishing On You

Moneyshotting.  If you want to make a spectacle of it, make sure they can see it.  Wherever you put it!

  • In the face
    GOLDEN RULE FOR FINISHING ON SOMEONE’S FACE: Avoid the eyes and hair.
    As someone who’s gotten it in the eyes and hair, it’s definitely not worth it.  If you want to finish like a porn star, do it like a pro and aim.
  • On the tits
    Great place to finish!  If they have a huge rack, it’s a wonderful accent.  It’s like planting a flag on top of a really tall mountain you just climbed.  If they have very petite, tiny breasts, the load will look fucking monstrous!  Like they got blasted with a torrential moneyshot.
  • On the tummy
    No matter what kind of tummy they have: a tight little tummy, a plump and round one, a big one from being pregnant.  Tummy shots are great because the recipient gets to see it too, so they can see how much they just brewed out of their partner.
  • On the bottom
    Fucking from behind, finish from behind.  The anticipation of being on all fours, feeling your partner stroking himself; it’s an excellent buildup to the culminating, warm burst of feeling someone finish on your behind.
  • On the feet
    Foot fetish is one of the most popular fetishes.  One of the few that I have yet to wrap my desires around.  If your partner has a foot fetish, talk to them about potentially involving a moneyshot on the feet/in the shoes/on the stockings.
  • On the hole.
    Pulling out just at the end and finishing on whatever orifice was just being penetrated can be very hot and primal.  People are always more sensitive right at the hole, so it’s that much more exciting when something thick and warm gets shot all over it.

Mind you, the climax isn’t the end when finishing on a partner.  You can be a considerate lover and juxtapose the harsh moneyshot by performing a gentle cleanup.  You can keep the power play all day by having them put their shirt/panties on over what just got sprayed on them, then make them walk around with that rubbing against them as a reminder all day long.  So much potential when you don’t spend it all in one place!  Speaking of which…

Finishing off your partner

If it’s not going in them or on them, where’s it going?

  • On their clothes
    Just like finishing on someone and making them put clothes over it to remind them all day, you can reach the same result by finishing on somebodies bra/panties/heels/balaklava…
  • In a dish
    If you are into pet-play[NSFW], Gokkun, or just cooking, the spectacle can be made by having the finale be presented as a treat (or a punishment) in a dish.  You can then reward (or force) them to eat it up.
  • On somebody else
    The tough part about threeways with guys is that most guys only get to finish one time.  How do two people share one climax?  Try one, or any combination of these:
    -Have partner A stroke a climax onto partner B: That way one partner feels the accomplishment of getting someone off, and the other partner feels like they are the inspiration for it (they also get the receive it!).
    -Finish on both partners.  Sharing is caring!  And it’s a very common porno trope to finish on two partners at once.  Finish on their faces[NSFW], or anywhere else I listed in the Finishing On section.  Get creative and try finishing on one partner, so it drips onto your other partner[NSFW]!
  • Onto yourself
    It’s very nice to wind down from an excellent session by having a partner clean up a mess they just made on your person.  Whether they are using a soft towel, their own panties, or their tongue, aftercare for a guy is its own flavor.  Warning though, a lot of guys (myself included) have a thick chest of hair.  Getting jizz out of body hair is about as tough as getting it out of the hairs on your head!
  • Onto their stuff
    Even outside their clothing, this plays into a power dynamic really well.  The symbolism can get real rich too, some of these worked for me:
    -Jizzing up a pillow for them to sleep on.  When living apart, it’s a good way to stay on a partner’s mind.  LDR peoples, I’m looking at you!
    -Finish onto a photo:  A picture of them, their shitty ex, a different partner (for soft cucking), a cute celebrity, get creative!
    -Their childhood toys.  There’s a very special kind of control that only comes from having a partner jerk you off onto their Pikachu plushy from 5th grade.

That all but concludes the guidelines.  Mind you, this is the tip of the iceberg as far as the spectacle of jizzing.  Part 2 could definitely be written, but you’re bound to find hundreds of different answers if you ask the men in your life where they want it to go!

Happy jizzing!

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