What Relationship Anarchist are you?

Bar none, relationship anarchists are my favorite polyamorists.  However, relationship anarchists also make up the vast majority of my least favorite polyamorists.  While polarizing opinions are very rarely drawn between a person and himself, I’ve been musing myself in twain!  Just like political anarchy, relationship anarchy is a profound shift in the existing paradigm.  Also like political anarchy, it can leave people worse off than they were before if the revolution is executed poorly.

Firstly, definitions.  Since the voice of the people is the voice of god.  Here’s Wikipedia’s definition of Relationship Anarchy:

The practice of forming relationships that are not bound by rules aside from what the people involved mutually agree on.

Oooooh, shit!  What a sexy relationship philosophy!

Kinda…

That’s how things look on paper.  It’s tough to apply the structure of language to something as aggressively unstructured as anarchy, though.  In practice, relationship anarchy is manifest in its different subsections; just like political anarchy!  In all my experience with people who self-identify as “Relationship Anarchists”, I’ve found they generally fall into one of two categories:

Relationship Marxists      &      Relationship Libertarians

So if you have been flirting with or subscribing to the notion of relationship anarchy, there’s a real chance you could be one of these persuasions.  But which one?!?

I wish there was a test we could take– like finding out which House you’d be in Hogwarts.  But there’s no Sorting Hat in my sex life (except maybe this one), so we’re forced to self identify.  At its base, relationship anarchy is a DIY relationship.  That broad definition encompasses virtually all alternative lifestyle relationships, though.  I hit up some of my buddies who identify with the relationship anarchy style, and most define it as a form of “non-heirarchical polyamory”.

While many non-monogamists might have a single or number of partners they view as their “primary”, there are some who prefer not to stratify their partners.  And while complete equality of all the relationships in your life is not a realistic achievement, it’s certainly a goal worth reaching for.

Striving for that is what pushes relationship anarchists, and what I truly admire about them.

That being said, no revolution is without people using its tenets to advance their own agenda.  If relationship marxists follow their namesake’s mantra:

“From each according to his ability, to each according to his needs”

So to do relationship libertarians follow their namesake’s mantra:

“Got mine. Fuck y’all”

Alright, that’s harsh.  But I’m a recovering libertarian, so I can say that.  I still think Gary Johnson was the most entertaining third party candidate we’ve had in recent memory, and Ayn Rand has some decent quotes despite the fact that I disagree with the vast majority of her sentiments now.

Not every relationship anarchist I’ve met has a high regard for individual freedoms and personal boundaries.  Many actually assume the mantle of the relationship anarchist to have even more control in a relationship than is normally granted by the unwritten rules laid down by the patriarchy of conventional dating.

Feminist author Jo Freeman has an excellent essay called “The Tyranny of Structurelessness” where she talks about the inherent dangers of unseating the establishment coming from her experiences with the radical feminists of the 1970s.  The dangers she calls out of anarchy are the same as the ones found in relationship anarchy.  Over 30 years after Freeman, another feminist author, Hilary Wainwright, revisited that essay with her own “Imagine There’s No Leaders“.  Wainwright explains:

“lack of structure too often disguised an informal, unacknowledged and unaccountable leadership that was all the more pernicious because its very existence was denied.”

A progressive relationship style with built-in gaslighting?  Opportunistic liberals are chomping at the bit…

I’ve seen this paralleled in the poly communities by self identified “relationship anarchists” who believe that because they have absolved themselves of conventional obligations to their partners, they too can also absolve themselves of basic accountability. 

The solution to people abusing relationship anarchy is the same as the solution to people abusing political anarchy: representation.  The terms of the relationship need to reflect the needs of the partners.  That may lead to obligation or feelings of ownership, but leaving yourself open to that is a better option than leaving yourself open to abuse.  Wainwright goes on to explain:

“The only democratic answer lies in the creation of transparent structures based on collectively agreed rules that may or may not include leaders of some kind.”

Communication, the yardstick of polyamory, is another item that people abusing relationship anarchy often consider themselves ‘above’.  This is the easiest way to determine if you are involved with (or are personally) a relationship libertarian: sit down and have a talk about preferences.  Resistance to discussing shared boundaries often means that a person doesn’t want to get hung up on their route to having a good time.  While any partner, even monogamists, can certainly be opposed to having certain shared boundaries; if just discussing them is off the table, then a stratification exists in that this person’s romantic status quo is their primary.  In such a case, you might be better off leaving them to find some other objectivist heart to live together in whatever romantic utopia makes sense to them.

Relationship marxists on the other hand, are willing to address these issues with real responses.  These people know that we’re all in it together, and preserving one’s individuality does not need to come at a cost of consideration.  If you have the aforementioned discussion of preferences, they will be willing to open that dialogue.  A relationship marxist would come to mutually agreed terms that can keep all parties satisfied.  Even if it comes at some cost to their autonomy.

And I hate to use the word “cost” at the risk of making a relationship feel like it’s an exchange you have to haggle and bargain with.  Relationships don’t need to have a cost.  But everyone has to put in their fare share.

That’s just been my experience with relationship anarchy, though!  Any of you reading are relationship anarchists who think I totally missed the mark?  Anybody else relationship anar-churious and want to share your hesitations?  Relationship libertarians who want to stand up for their rights?  Let’s keep this discussion going in the comments!

How Many

When I was 12-years-old, we had a special presentation at school.  The teacher called two kids up to the front.  She called up Gary because he was her favorite and she called up me, because I might fall asleep if she didn’t.  She gave us a bag of Cheetos each and we scarfed them down like the ravenous tweens we were.  Then she poured us both a glass of water but told us not to drink it.  She told me to put the water in my mouth and swirl it around before I spit it back into the glass.  She had Gary hold up his glass of clean water and asked the class who would drink that water.  There were confused looks of consent all around.  Then she had me hold up my glass of chunky pale-orange cloudy water and asked who would rather drink this water.  There was a resounding disapproval.  Some kids audibly gagged, others simply let out a disturbed wimper.  When the noises died down, the whole class had a look of softened disgust.

This was my first ever class in sexual education.

Flash forward to last night’s pillow talk.  New person – we’ve spent some nights together, and we finally start feeling each other out conversationally.  We get to the subject of previous sexual partners.  We’re still green, but they end up asking the question:

“how many?”

While guys are known for often exaggerating numbers involving sexuality, I prefer to play an honest game.  We haven’t known each other that long, but I imagine my date’s picked up on that.  I inquire if they actually want to know the number.  I’m curious if they’re ready for the answer.  I want them to be confronted with the idea that this one number might change their opinion of my quality as a partner.  And be ready for an answer they may not like.  I’ll fudge my opinions when my gal asks me how their hair looks first thing in the morning, but I’m not going to fudge a number.

how many?”

This isn’t a number like my age, which is fluctuating, but consistent.  This isn’t my pants size, which would go down if I just stopped eating at Culvers.  And this isn’t a number that’s pretty much set, like the number of Y chromosomes I have.  They were asking me a very specific number concerning a very sensitive part of my life.  This is like asking somebody how many funerals they’ve ever attended.

I lied.

I said a thousand.  While I’m certain there are plenty of people who wouldn’t be lying when they said that, I gather my date got the joke.  We giggle and I ask them why they want to know.  Are they afraid that I’m somehow riddled with disease?  Are they imagining I’m bound to have at least one psychotic ex if I’ve had that many?  Are they worried they won’t seem as special with someone who’s had more than the average?

They tell me they’re just curious.

how many?”

I tell them the truth.  I can tell it’s not as much as they were afraid of.  I can tell it’s more than they’re used to.  I’ve answered this question before.  It gets easier to answer every time, but it’s hard to shake a sense of shame that’s been groomed into me since I was 12 years old holding up a glass of dirty water in front of a class that looks disgusted.  That’s how it feels whenever somebody asks.

how many?

Swing Your Partner Round and Round

notactuallythat_LargeI’m such a good wingman.  If my bros don’t hook up by night’s end, I’ll bang them myself.  While my friends may not always take me up on that offer, my partners often do.  I play matchmaker for my partners if they like.  And I like it too.  I think doing so reinforces the structure of my polyamorous relationships.

Polyamory takes more than just tolerance of your partner having other liasons.  Polyamory is about appreciating the other connections your partner is building.  I like to take it the step further and enable those connections when I can.  There is value in helping your partner find other partners.

Outside of the fact that I want my partner to have someone good to them, it’s great having a metamour who’s good to me.  Especially for those of us who are still feeling out polyamory, having a more personal stake in your partner’s romantic decisions can help ease folks away from conventional dating.  And dating is work, but one of the nice things about polyamory is that you get to share the load.

One of my favorite ways to spend a night in with a partner is to sit around drinking wine and reviewing each others’ potential dates.  We’ll go through a few rounds of swiping left and right where we giggle and tease like the immature bisexuals we’re too old to be anymore.  From there, we get the chance to scoop through who each of us is talking to.  This gives us an opportunity to air our excitements and also our hesitations.  So if I see someone who lists an interest in motorcycles, then my partner can get a date and I might get a new riding buddy!  Similarly, I might see someone I know that I would not like to become metamours with and let my partner know about that right away.

I’ve always been of the mind that metamour relations are one of the truest determining factors in the success of any polyamorous engagement.  While your partner might have a decent idea of the kind of metamour you would like to have, you know better than they do.  So just like mixing cocktails or performing oral sex, it’s worthwhile to let your partner know what you like.

Awareness of your partner(s)’ romantic preferences is integral in polyamorous dating.  This is one of the harder parts for people to adopt when they are just getting started with nonmonogamy.  Plenty of couples just decide to date people together.  Most commonly, this is a straight couple who start looking for a bisexual woman to be their third.  While this practice is met with grand disapproval from many polyamorists, branching out of monogamy together is a fine idea.  I just strongly encourage people to ease back on how together you are when you’re branching out.

When I was first breaking into this whole polyamory thing, I found it much easier to have metamours that I helped to arrange.  It was very beneficial for all the emotions that came along with my partner having other partners.  When I would hear about the hard times my partner had with a metamour I had a hand in arranging, I wasn’t so quick to dismiss their quality as a partner.  When my partner is out with some yahoo she met on OkC named “4ngry1nches” and she tells me that the dates are anything but a pristine joy, there’s a real good chance I’ll encourage her to cut bait.  But if she tells me that she’s having a hard time communicating with the cute programmer that I encouraged her to swipe right, I’ll give her some stratagems to keep his attention.  After all, I’m practically responsible for that.

Opposite bad dates, when my partner is gushing about their newest fling with the most impossibly handsome, charming, wealthy adonis of a man; I may start to feel a bit insecure.  I might feel insubstantial, jealous, even threatened.  However, if I helped my partner arrange this date, my ego will take over and I’ll be flushed with pride.  It’s like when you give someone advice on what to get their spouse for their anniversary, and they get the perfect gift.  You don’t get to give or receive the booty, but you can still relish knowing you’re responsible for the assist.

Assistance is key, by the way.  Dating yields good results when it’s fed good labor.  The best way to get good labor, is sometimes to just get a little more labor.  Many hands make work light, so cruise around OkCupid or Tinder with your partner together.  Help your partner write a good Boiler Plate message that they can send to profiles they really like.  The two of you can even just sit down over dinner and talk about some people the two of you might know who would be worth asking out.  One of you two could even play messenger.

I’ve never asked anybody out on behalf of my partner before, but I have been asked out by a lady’s boyfriend in the past.  In no way did it cheapen or invalidate the proposal.  I actually found myself cozied with an extra sense of security.  I could immediately bypass the worries that this was old-school polyamory noncensensual nonmonogamy.  And I was flattered to be considered such a solid choice that her man made the approach.  As long as you have your partner’s consent, you can certainly take the initiative if they’re too shy.

You can’t date half a couple.  Similarly, you can’t date a full couple.  That sweet spot in between is where polyamorous dating can flourish.  Finding partners outside a polyamorous relationship has so many dimensions because there are relationships being created between all involved parties.  Every relationship that’s created, be it romantic, social, or at least just civil; is independent and unique and worth care and consideration.

What works for you, though?  Have you ever helped a partner get a date?  Have you ever been assisted? What works with that?  What hasn’t worked?  Be a wingman for my blog and post in the comments!

Easing him in

I used to be a juggalo.

There.  I said it.

It’s easy to understand how I transitioned out of that lifestyle…

I also used to be a diehard monogamist.  This was a little more precarious of a lifestyle to vacate.  Thankfully, I had a partner who held my hand step-by-baby-step unto the exotic lands of nonmonogamy.  Seven years later, now we giggle about the way we used to be.

Polyamory was her idea.  It’s a common misconception that all polyamorous couples are the result of a man who can’t commit to monogamy and an ineffectual woman not holding him to ‘real’ relationship standards.  In my experience, there are just as many women looking to steer their relationship to a non-exclusive path as there are men.  While the lady may be ready to embrace this progressive, new-age relationship style that she’s read all about at Jezebel, her guy might be unexposed and hesitant to dive right in.

Polyamory can be like playing Skyrim.  If someone has never played an Elder Scrolls game, it can be confusing and intimidating; full of strange rules and vocabulary.  The learning curve is so steep, that some guys just go back to playing Candy Crush before they learn their first Dragonshout.

I would have snapped right back to Candy Crush monogamy if my lady didn’t offer me a few hands to ease me into the ethical slut I am today.

So if you are a lady looking to pop your guy’s poly cherry, here are a few things you can do to break him in smoothly:

Baby Steps

When you’re approaching a dramatically different kind of relationship, it’s hard to go too slow.  It’s real easy to go too fast, though.  If polyamory is more your idea than his, you may need to move more his pace than your own.  You may even need to employ some Poly Training Wheels until your guy can pedal on his own.

Poly Training Wheels are addendums to your relationship that make the steps into conventional polyamory that much easier.  While they are certainly useful in acclimating neophytes to polyamory, these are not long term practices.  If these addendums are seen in a relationship that’s been poly for more than a year or so, many seasoned polyamorists will scoff like they just saw a grown-ass man riding a bike with training wheels or eating a hot dog with ketchup.  Poly Training Wheels include the like of:

  1. The One Penis Policy
    Also known as The Highlander Penis.  This is where the guy is allowed to have heterosexual relations outside his lady, but the gal is only allowed to date other girls.  Overlooking the glaring homophobia and misogyny that’s spilling out of this policy, it’s not without its use.  First time polyamorists often fall prey to the question “What does my metamour have that I don’t?” and all of the insecurities that are tied to it.  When the differences between a man and his partner’s partner are made out of chromosomes, it’s easy to stem those insecurities.  When I was just starting, we never had an official One Penis Policy.  But my partner was bisexual and was only finding women who she was interested in.  Later on, when she started seeing more men, my reactions were tempered by my previous experience of seeing her with women.
  2. Package Deal
    This is where couples see someone new, just not separately.  While there is the much hated stereotype of the Unicorn Hunting couple, as a temporary arrangement to get a guy used to the idea of his partner with other people; it could be beneficial for both partners to be present for any new romance.  It might even be a good chance for the guy to explore some of his non-heterosexual tendencies in a safe space!
  3. Do What You Know
    Some polyamorists have a rule to not get involved with their partner’s friends.  For many beginners, though, it helps to have a rule that you only date each others’ friends.  Even though you risk compromising your social circles to do it, it can be helpful for a guy to know that his lady is just out with Kyle, his drummer from the band.  Insecurities can run rampant when a poly newbie thinks about his partner out with a strange man of mysterious intentions.  This all ties into the old adage about the evil you know.
    While this kind of familiarity can certainly be comfortable for dating, it can be tremendously uncomfortable and awkward for breaking up.  Given the turnover rate on your average relationships, consider the possibility post breakup fallout in your social circle.  You may even want to consider getting involved with one of your partner’s acquaintances instead of friends…
  4. Veto Powers
    This is where any outside relationships are conditional upon mutual approval.  If there comes a time when either of you disapproves of an extraneous relationship, the relationship may be vetoed and the rejection must be accepted.  I put “Veto Powers” as a Training Wheel, but I feel like plenty of veteran poly couples practice de-facto veto powers.  My partners and I don’t have veto powers because I know that if they don’t like any new dates I have, I quickly lose interest.  And vise-versa with their partners.
  5. The Panic Button
    When I first got started in polyamory, I hit a few snags.  Whenever I would talk to my lady about it, she would lay monogamy back on the table for me.  Just the act of her saying that put me so much at ease!  If monogamy is still an option for the two of you, it can be very gratifying to hear that option confirmed.  The option is malleable too.  If things are getting tough, you could have some temporary exclusivity, or put them on an indefinite hiatus until the two of you are in a good place again.

Building Blocks

As things progress, you’ll hopefully outgrow training wheels as you grow into a really developed polyamorous couple.  But not all fundamentals are ablative.  Some useful building blocks will help your guy adjust from the start until the two of you are hosting key parties at the retirement home.  Useful building blocks include:

  1. Check Ups
    This is a valuable skill for monogamous and polyamorous couples, but it’s got special weight for a guy shifting away from monogamy.  Obviously, it can be unsettling to be hitting your guy up every day to assess his levels of satisfaction concerning your intimated fraternization.  But it can be beneficial for both of you to chat about how you feel about the relationship over dinner or drinks once a week or so.  Maybe you can even convince him to start writing a blog about polyamory and name it after his favorite kind of pen…
  2. Body Rights
    These take all forms:  No anal sex outside of him.  No cowgirl riding on anyone else.  No twerking if he’s not on the dance floor.  While these are heavily employed in the kink community, lighter versions of them can make any relationship more intimate.  Just because polyamorists deny overarching exclusion, doesn’t mean we’ve boycotted all kinds of exclusion.  The most common form of body rights I see extended is the practice of fluid bonding, which is having exclusive unprotected sex with a chosen partner.
  3. Relationship Hierarchy
    Plenty of poly couples use terms like “primary” and “secondary” to explain the levels of commitment they have to the various partners in their life.  While stratifying the people in your heart can certainly be problematic, it can also diffuse many problems.  Not all polyamorists use these terms, but most usually end up giving a special preference to a single partner who takes no title.  The title of “primary” is an honorific with terms that you can leave undefined if you really want.  Calling somebody your “primary” carries a level of security in the stratification.
  4. Schedule Rights
    I can’t imagine a world of functioning polyamorists without Google Calendar.  If you are ready to take your relationship to that level, sharing your calendar with someone else is a good way to keep them abreast of your life outside of them.  If you want to step up the commitment, have one night every week that is dedicated to being spent together.  Every Wednesday is dedicated to one of my partners in my G-Calendar as “Hump Day“.  If you’re just getting started, it can be helpful to set defined limits on the amount of time you dedicate to other partners.  You could talk about something like limiting the number of outside dates you both have to 2 per week.

This is just what worked for me.  If you’ve had success with any other methods, please post them in the comments!

Most people’s first experience with polyamory will usually determine whether they retreat forever back to monogamy or if they want to make nonmonogamy a part of their lives for good.  When I was being brought into the poly-fold, I was brought in just right.  Horrific as it may sound, I’d probably go back to being a juggalo before I tried monogamy again.

The Trouble with Triads

I just got a question posted on my Ask.fm:

Hey, dude. I was a unicorn once in college, and while I’m pretty wary of that particular poly formation, I just started dating a married couple I know and I really, really like them. What are some of the pitfalls we should be aware of, and how can we avoid them?

There are few members of the non-monogamous community viewed with as much enmity as unicorn hunters.  Many polyamorists imagine these couples struggling to stay above water in their failing relationship by snatching up hapless bisexuals to try and use as a flotation device.  Unicorn hunters are thought to be lurking in the shadows of the polyamory community, polishing their Feeldoes and targeting every cute bisexual girl to for them to ‘complete’ their ‘family’.

While I don’t find that caricature painfully inaccurate, it certainly doesn’t describe every couple looking for a third.  If you are the elusive unicorn, there’s a chance you may find a couple that rubs you just the right way.  While definitely not common, there are a handful of couples I’ve seen who incorporate a third without falling into the negative stereotype of the unicorn hunters.

Truth be known, I have safaried a few times hunting this slippery prey.  There are a handful of roadblocks that I’ve always encountered.  Speaking with my friends who have also tried being the unicorn, we’ve collaborated on this list of potential red flags:

  1. Don’t be a Band-aid
    Sometimes, a couple’s romance fails and the only real answer is a new relationship.  Unfortunately, many couples don’t break up before they pursue this new relationship.  Commonly, they end up cheating on each other and the relationship blows up in a storm of burned bridges and Gotye songs.  Less commonly though, the couple will attempt to have a new relationship to supplement their failed one by persuing a girl together.  They end up dating a third which just delays their inevitable split.
    Even if you wanted to, you won’t fix their relationship by joining it.  So before you sign up for a triad, make sure it’s a working dyad.  Ask yourself how well the two of them get along?  Do they have healthy communication?  Regular dates?  Good chemistry?  You wouldn’t want to date a person who is inherently unhappy, so beware of dating couples who are inherently unhappy.
  2. Don’t be a Sex Toy
    Unless that’s what you want.  If so, stop reading.  Start banging.
    If not, be wary of couples who will make your place in their life primarily as a supplement to their sexual escapades.  Many couples are just looking to spice up their bedroom antics.  So even if you feel like you’re building a meaningful connection with both of them, they might view you solely as an accent to their relationship instead of an integral part of a bigger three.
    Like any relationship, it never hurts to vocalize your limits from the start.  Let them know that you want more than a part in their sex life.
  3. Don’t be their First
    Because this relationship configuration is wildly different from conventional dating, everyone might as well be a teenagers going on their first dates again.  First timers are going to make a lot of mistakes.  So be ready for some failure if it’s anybody’s first time.  Or better yet, let them make their beginner hiccups with someone else.
  4. Have Separate Relationships
    I know I’ve said “dating a couple” several times in this article, but you are still separately dating two people.  Each of them is separately dating two people too.  The unit of all three of you is incidental to the three separate relationships that already exist.  Trying to do everything in threes is complicated and unnecessary.
    In these three separate relationships that exist in your triad, you should have individual dates, individual arguments, and individual expectations.  Let these connections mature independently of each other.  Theoretically, if one of the relationships in the triad ends civilly enough, the other two should be able to carry on just fine.
  5. Clarify Polify
    Just like dolphins are technically mammals, but morally fish.  Polyfidelity is technically polyamory, but morally monogamy.  Check and see what their thinking for their future.  Unless they are Mormons, there’s only one way to know they really want polyfi- you gotta ask.
    Many unicorn hunters plan long-game exclusivity.  If you’re not interested in that, fess up early before they start planning.
  6. Clarify Everything Else too
    It doesn’t need to be cast in adamantium.  But sharing your long term goals will spare everyone a lot of heartache down the road.  Find out how long they want this triad to last; do they want it just until they move to Portland, or are they in it till death do us and you part?  Is anyone having kids?  If so, how many?  Where’s everyone living?  What do we do on holidays?  Are we out to our families?  Friends? Facebooks?
    Marriage plans?  Going to begin fighting for group marriage legalization?  In the state of Illinois, you’re technically allowed to have a civil union as long as your unmarried, but you can be married if you have a previous civil union.  So maybe arrange something with these laws?
    Discuss these early and everyone will hopefully remain flexible.  A relationship between two people changes constantly, a relationship with three is certainly bound to change as much, if not exponentially more.
  7. No Man’s Land
    My mother once gave me an entirely sexist, but still quite accurate bit of advice that I’ve kept for dealing with metamours:
    Men are more possessive.  Women are more territorial.
    That being said, 90 percent of the working triads I have ever encountered are two men, one woman.  The FMF traids that fail commonly do so when it comes time to decide the ownership of space, not emotions.  So be respectful of the existing woman’s territory, be it in the home or the schedule.
  8. Abandon Equality
    There are three separate relationships.  So just like any polyamorous engagement, don’t go comparing and don’t let yourself be compared.  You will all like each other with different and varying levels of intensity.  Be careful of one of them trying to force equal intimacy by pushing for you to be closer with their partner.  This is especially dangerous for unicorns.
    Because unicorns are in such high demand, couples might compromise a lot just to make it work.  If a couple finds one to start a relationship, even if the new girl isn’t a really good match for both people, they’ll ignore that to achieve an ideal.

That last warning is where I get drawn back to my severe hesitations about triads.  Like I said before, I’ve had triads in the past that have lasted well over a year.  They can work and be a lot of fun.  You really have to look at things realistically, though.

It’s real tough to find one person with whom you can spend the rest of your life.  If you can find two, you’ve struck gold.  Finding two partners who you love who also love each other is astronomically improbable.  But just because the odds aren’t in your favor, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try.

Also, get a big bed.  Queen at least.

By Association

Would you ever be The Other Person?

I just finished reading an article about how it is acceptable to help a monogamous person cheat.  It’s a short read, check it out.

I am fundamentally against the idea of disrespecting other peoples’ established relationship boundaries, but I am always open to new ideas.  I was even convinced to respect people who like to go ass2mouth, even though I still don’t ever want to do it.

If presented an idea counter to my own convictions, I can still be swayed.  I am receptive provided that the idea has three key attributes: it must be logical, supported, and well-versed.

Of those three attributes, this article has zero.

This article reads like it was written by a person who feels so guilty about being the other person, that they felt compelled to write a blog post full of self-justification.  Not a whole lot of substance, just statements with no real supports.

Firstly, they start off by railing on Dan Savage.  Savage generally has two kinds of readers: People who love him and think everything he churns out is scripture, and people who view him as a soapbox preacher trying to tell other people how to live there life.

Most people don’t get that he is just a guy.  A good writer, no doubt.  And a decent social scientist.  But he’s perfected a system that works for him.  It works for a lot of people.  It may not work for you.

Being the other person won’t work for anybody, regardless of whether or not you like Dan Savage.

I don’t like the phrase nonmonogamy.  Nonmonogamy is something monogamous people do when they fuck up.  Polyamorous people practice consensual nonmonogamy.  If your partner (and/or their partner) doesn’t consent to it, it’s wrong.

Don’t listen to this writer’s advice on what you should do.  There is no right way to be a polyamorist, but there are enough wrong ways that I can spot them.  My way may not be right for you, but it’s certainly met with excellent reviews in my social circles.

So what should you do:

If you are the other person, you done goofed.  It happens.

What you are doing is wrong, but there are plenty of things you can do to remedy that:

  1. Stop.
    Keep the incident isolated if you think it can be.  Don’t do it again, don’t enable them again, and strongly discourage them from being unfaithful again.  Unless you know their partner, I don’t think you need to tell them.
  2. Drop.
    Have them leave their partner.  Obviously, monogamy may not be their thing.  Otherwise, they would be doing it.  Encourage a trial separation where they can be with you, try out the polyamory waters, and not need to do so behind their partner’s back.
  3. Roll.
    Have both of them sign up for polyamory.  Their partner could be more receptive to it if they get to do it too!  The poly world is very sink-or-swim, so they will find out immediately.
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