Womanizing Your Apartment

I really try to make sure a girl doesn’t regret going home with me.  Making my apartment a little less regrettable is square one in that effort.  Sure, keeping my dirty laundry in a hamper, my filthy dishes in the sink, and my bedsheets absent of mysterious stains is generally enough to keep those regrets at bay; there’s so much more to having a functioning home that will keep the ladies coming back for more of my company.

Like most live-alone bachelors, I don’t have a lot of essentials that a woman would find at one of her girl’s places.  So before all women figure out the benefits of lesbian relationships, let’s take this room-by-room and I’ll tell you some of the most successful additions I’ve made to my apartment to give the fairer sex a reason to visit again.

The Bathroom

If it’s the end of the date, your gal might ask to use your washroom before she goes home.  If you’re bathroom looks amenable to her, she might consider it better to crash at your place than trek home.  Here are some additions I’ve made to keep those considerations considerable:

  1. Femenine Products
    Plenty of girls keep extras of their preferred products in their purse.  If there’s no backup, though, they might be less likely to stay the night away from their rations back home.  While keeping a spare reusable femenine product is certainly environmentally friendly, I doubt every girl you bring home wants to share the same Diva Cup.  I recommend keeping both disposable pads and tampons visible in your bathroom.  For the tampons, Pearl (with an applicator) generally works for everyone in a pinch and is available at most stores.  If you wanna go the extra mile on her cycle, keep some Motrin visible next to the boxes.
  2. Wet Naps
    When a gal says she’s going to “freshen up”, she’s hoping a guy has some of these.  She might use these to wipe the excitement out of her crevasses before taking things to the bedroom and it couldn’t hurt for you to do the same.  Sometimes, they’ll need to freshen up after sex too(esp. if there’s some menstruation and/or backdooring).  And if they don’t have time to go home before work the next day, they can use these to give themselves a field-shower (also known by the less sensitive term “Whore Bath“, guess why).  Unscented Wet Ones (or some legit makeup removal wipes if you wanna score extra points) are also great to have for getting her makeup off before bed so that she doesn’t leave a Pollock painting on the pillow.
  3. A Lined Trash Can with a Lid
    If they are using your wet naps and spare tampons, you better believe your trash can is getting filled with some second-hand womanhood.  A plastic bag will stop things from sticking to the bottom.  A can with a lid will spare your gal the ordeal of having to bury her used products under piles of tissue and toilet paper rolls only to be unearthed the morning after when your dog sniffs into your trash bin and tears the refuse out into a million twisted, brown-red shreds in your kitchen.  And many girls find their used products unsightly, so it’s best to have a lid cover that.
  4. UTI Care
    Of the many benefits there are to being a guy, one is the lack of urinary tract infections.  Most guys go their whole lives without getting one.  On the other hand, 50-60% of women have experienced these painful episodes.  The extra kicker is that UTIs are most commonly caused by having sex.  Given that we’re almost certainly implicit in the infection, so to does the responsibility of treatment fall on the guy’s shoulders.  Invest in some cranberry pills and some AZO (or the store brand urinary pain relief pills) for your lady to limit the physical pain she has reminding her of fucking you.
  5. Hair Care
    As a short-haired guy; I have no need for a hairbrush, curling iron, blow dryer, or bobby pins; but I still have them.  While I used to spike my hair pretty fierce, I haven’t needed any Aqua Net in a long time, but still have it.  I’m sure some girls might wonder why I keep all these things in my bathroom.  But for every one girl that’s wondering, there are 10 girls thanking me for saving their aesthetic for the day.
  6. Miscellaneous Spare Toiletries
    Just like a hotel gives away, keep some items on hand you’re okay throwing away after use.  Here’s what I keep: contact lens cases & solution, toothbrushes, razors, chapstick, safety pins (for bra malfunctions), nail polish (for stocking malfunctions).

The Bedroom

Where the magic happens.  Generally, if they’ve agreed to join me here, I feel like the hard work is already done.  But I could still get hung up on something trivial that will disrupt the romantic flow.  To keep your love machine well oiled, consider making some of the following investments:

  1. Hair Ties
    Most guys don’t understand this struggle.  I’ve sucked plenty of cock and I didn’t understand until I tried doing it while wearing a trashy wig.  It’s hard to slob knob like a lady when your constantly pulling hair out of your mouth.  Certainly a gentleman could hold the hair up for you.  But holding a bun in place tethers your cocksucker, inhibiting their ability to perform fellatio with complete freedom.  Next time you’re at the general store, get a pack of 100, keep them in your bedroom next to the bed so you don’t even need to get up to enhance your BJ!
  2. Spare Chargers
    It’s real easy to have a walk of shame when your phone is dead and you need to get home with nothing to do but think about what happened last night and how visible it is on your person.  But if your phone is full of juice, that walk of shame becomes a triumphant posting of selfies about having the “Best night ever!  Still recovering! #YOLO”
    Have a spare MiniUSB charger for any of your android-using partners, and try to have one of the many different iPhone chargers if for whatever reason you want to cater to the Mac crowd.
  3. Non-Latex Condoms
    Missing some accouterments or other may slow down or choke up the flow of love making.  But if you’re partner has a latex allergy, missing safe sex alternatives will bring your night to a screeching, blue-balled halt.  Invest in a a pack of Polyisoprene, polyeurethane, or lambskin condoms just in case.
  4. Lube
    I know Ronda Rousey said “If you need lube, then you’re being lazy”.  But if she was so smart, then Holm wouldn’t have knocked her the fuck out.  While good foreplay is the cheapest lube, there are plenty of reasons to lube up other than “being lazy”!  Some girls aren’t as naturally wet as others.  And I don’t care how much foreplay you do, you always grease up if you’re going to be backdooring someone.  Keep the lube within arms reach.  And if all possible, get a pump action bottle so that you don’t have to fumble getting the lid open/close.  Buy as much as you might end up using in a year.  Though there’s never an expiration date on lube, experts reccomend about a year before disposal, depending on what kind of lube…
  5. A Towel
    After you grease up your pecker and you’re ready to fuck on all cylinders, you don’t want that slippery and sticky hand to go staining your sheets and ruining your partners hair.  Rub it off on a nearby towel!
    You’re girl on the rag?  Don’t let her cycle turn your bed into a scene from Dexter.  Lay a towel down!
    Just shoot the biggest load of all time onto your partner’s tits/ass/face/feet/cat?  Be a gentleman and reach for a nearby towel to clean up your mess.
    There’s a reason that the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy considers this to be “the most massively useful thing“.  Keep a CLEAN towel near the bed for emergencies!
  6. Hitachi Magic Wand
    Considered by many to be the excalibur of sex toys.  That is in no way an overstatement.  I’ve had girls who were prepared to be dissapointed by all the hype be pleasantly surprised before they wiped the drool from their mouths and started eating that crow.

The Kitchen

My mornings are built in my kitchen.  I build my date’s morning in the kitchen too.  These are my construction tools:

  1. Disposable Coffee Cups
    Being a gentleman and fixing coffee/tea for your gal pal first thing in the morning is a great way to make her feel welcome and appreciated.  If you fix her a cup for the road in a disposable cup with a lid, she’ll be feeling them feels even after she leaves.
  2. Easy Breakfasts
    If you’re sending your gal out with a to-go coffee, you might as well send her with a nutri-grain/cliff-bar/pop-tart/other handheld snack.  These are also great if you need to leave before she does.  On your way out, give her a kiss and tell her to help herself!
  3. Chocolate
    I’m tempted to put this under “feminine products”, but I keep this menstrual aid in the kitchen.
  4. Cold Water Bottle
    It doesn’t have to be name-brand bottled water, but a filled nalgene in the fridge is exactly what you’re both going to want after you’re done with a heart-pumping, high-energy fuckspree.

That’s all I can think of with big thanks to the women in my life for adding some of their insights.  Gals, is there anything you wish guys would have at their places?  If so, post them in the comments for all the aspiring bachelors to put on their grocery list!

Growing Fetishes

“the bleak light of full adulthood, which is to one’s early twenties as Sunday morning is to Saturday night”
-Neal Stephenson, Snow Crash

There’s plenty I’ve found myself more interested in as I’ve grown older:  Lingerie, pegging, The Dave Matthews Band.  Similarly, the partners I’ve had for many years have also developed as we’ve grown together.  They too adopt new fetishes and quirks, though nothing as weird as The Dave Matthews Band.  That’s pretty much just me.

While these quirks certainly vary strongly between the partners I’ve had, there is one fetish of which I’ve found more and more of the female partners I’ve had have been particularly fond: the creampie fantasy.

It might be as simple as the pleasure of forbidden fruits.  Maybe it’s a reclamation of the historical use of impregnation as a tool of female oppression.  Or maybe we’re all just getting a little older and parenthood is becoming something that scares us in a good way.  Whatever the reason, just like Game of Thrones or Fifth Harmony, pretending to knock a girl up is what’s hot right now.

Note, I said “pretending”.  Safe sex no more mutually exclusive with an impregnation fantasy than consent is with a rape roleplay.  I’ve done the impregnation roleplay while wearing condoms, with partners using an IUD, I’ve even had an impregnation roleplay with a transwoman.  I discuss the matter beforehand, establish whatever parameters please both parties, and we forge ahead with an everpresent consideration of each other and have never had an issue.

It’s a high risk roleplay, though.  You’re playing with the concept of maternity.  Which is a Freudian slippery slope.  If we were using the rating system I employed in my article about roleplays, I would rank this one as an R-Rated roleplay.  At least.  I think that’s why it’s been received so well.  It’s just so impossibly naughty…

Like many of my partners, I grew up with a stock of middle and upper-middle class white youths.  For many of us in the progressive generation, we weren’t raised to be afraid of sex.  We were raised to be afraid of babies.  The parents of our generation made sure we knew their regrets about having us.

Of course, our parents are one generation deeper into the widespread use of pregnancy to subjugate and indenture women.  With the expanding recognition of these acts, there too is coming the expanding fetishization of them.  Just like 1950s household or Burlesque, our newfound understanding of the sordid history makes it wet with unacceptability.  It’s no coincidence that all of the partners who have enthusiastically taken to this fetish are also Steinem-reading, patriarchy-fighting, self-identified feminists.

In addition to feminism, the other trend that’s popular with my partners is aging.  We’re not old yet, but we’re getting to the age where we’re expected to continue propagating the species.  And in this bleak light of full adulthood, there is something satisfying about the feeling of giving in to the societal pressure.  I won’t deny that it’s a little liberating when immerse myself in the toxic masculinity that is dripping from the affectations of me being “dominant” in the bedroom.

I am become patriarchy, destroyer of wombs.

Don’t get your Dworkins in a twist, though.  Just like condoms, feminism too is not mutually exclusive with this roleplay.  I can only imagine the struggles of the average woman who identifies as feminist and submissive, so I don’t want to miss an opportunity to remind them that you can be both.  And the feminist/submissive dichotomy is no less false than the conventional one drawn between virgin/whore.

Be both.  Say the nasty shit.

Get the nasty shit said to you.

It’s more prevalent than you might imagine.  Reddit has 11 forums dedicated to the subject, two of which are personals, totalling 140,242 subscribed readers.  And that’s just in the public forums, of which the three most popular (are NSFW and) are:

  • r/breeding – 26,514 Readers
    This forum is sort of a catch-all for any media/literature of or relating to the subject.
  • r/cuckoldpregnancy – 7,714 Readers
    Which is directed to the act of humiliating submissives with having their partners sharing a child with a third, outside party.  While there certainly are a few posts dedicated to cuckqueaning and also whitebreeding a female person of color.  The most common post is for “blackbreeding” a white woman with an extramarital black male (or “bull” to use the technical language).
  • r/inbreeding – 4,616 Readers
    This subreddit goes with the tagline “When just fucking your family isn’t enough”.  What a pointed commentary!  If you’re already having one of the most taboo fetishes on the market, why not go the extra weird mile?
    In for a penny, in for a pound…

Reddit is a fine platform for getting your hands on literature and some images on the subject.  While they do have videos, the champion of getting internet porn videos for free is the searching feature behind porn torrenting websites.  These have been meticulously and methodically designed to satisfy perverts with very specific proclivities.  I groomed all the tags relevant to the topic and found a total of 362 videos!  Of the top tags concerning these fetishes, here’s a list with the number of tagged videos:

 

Tag(s) Videos Available
“Impregnation” 247
“Impregnation Fantasy” 115
“Breeding” 70
“Blackbred” 11
“Black.Bred” 7
“Black.Breeding” 5
“Bred.By.Black” “Insemination” 4
“Wifebreeding”, “Wifebreeder”, “Inseminated”, “Impreg” 3
“Wife.Breeders”, “Breed”, “Blackbred.com”, “Forced.Impregnation” 2
“Implied.Impregnation”, “Blrackbred”, “Breedingwhore”, “Interracial.Breeding”, “Reluctant.Breeding”, “Reluctant.Impregnation”, “Forced.Breeding”, “Bred.By.Blacks” 1

Note: plenty of the videos in this stock fall into several, if not most, of these categories.

In total, we’re looking at 362 separate videos that are all directed towards an impregnation fetish.  To put that in perspective, it’s not as common as videos tagged with fetishes like “Emo” (429 videos) or “Anal.Beads” (465 videos).  It’s almost as popular as spectacles like “ass.to.ass” (364 videos); marginally more popular than fetishes like “Medical” (358 videos) or  “wrestling” (360 videos).  And it’s distinctly more common than videos tagged with fetishes like “Tickling” (255 videos) or “Nipple.Torture” (253 videos).

Of the representative videos tagged in the impregnation fetish, the most downloaded are:
5.  Veruca James – Virtual Sex Creampie (142 Seeds)
4.  Alex Chance – Brothers and Sisters (154 Seeds)
3.  Taylor Mitchell – Real Amateur Hotwife & Interracial Cuckold  (175 Seeds)
2.  Princess Leia – Party Girl Had Daddy Impregnate Her (207 Seeds)
1.  Lady Fyre – Mom Made Me Impregnate Aunt Mallory (441 Seeds)

Clearly, inbreeding is the most commonly shared video on the subject.  But interracial cuckoldry is in a very powerful third place.  Just barely in the top 5 would be the fine performance of Veruca James, which is a story of a deceptive girl who lures her boyfriend into using sabotaged condoms so that she gets pregnant because she is excited about the idea of having his abortion.

I’ll bet you thought the one that wasn’t about incest or cuckoldry was gonna be a little more normal, didn’t you?

False.

Given the usually direct correlation between how sexy something is and how unacceptable it is, don’ t be afraid to let your freak flag fly.  Sure, I’ve proposed this roleplay to a few girls who were not interested.  But accepting a refusal is easy enough to do, that it’s worth at least offering if you’re interested.

As for the execution of the roleplay, here’s a list of winning strategies I’ve found for the engagement:

  1. Suspend the Disbelief
    Don’t let them see you put the condom on.  Sure, they’ll know you’re wearing one.  But there’s something exciting about not knowing that your partner is wearing one.  Like good practical special effects at the movies.  I know it’s only a model, but I forget when I’m not reminded.
  2. Talk Some Shit
    Even if you were legitimately having unprotected sex for the explicit purpose of procreation, you wouldn’t know if you were successful for at least a week.  So the only way to make it real (or ‘real’ in the case of a roleplay) is for the verbal exchange to happen.  Use some graphic language with phrases like “knock me up” or “make me a mom”.  You can even get extra gritty with nigh-agricultural phrases like “you’re my fertile, little breed mare”.
  3. Find out What You Like About It
    This should be the first step before exploring any kink really.  Do you like the idea of having something of your partner’s put into you?  Do you like the idea of owning your partner from the inside?  There are a lot of different places you could take this kink and finding out what direction will really help guide you to a place you really dig.

Have you ever tried an impregnation roleplay?  What was the scenario?  Got any winning lines you like to say/hear?  Any good videos you’d recommend for people who’re interested?

Finding a New Deen

In the wake of the numerous allegations of assault being charged against James Deen, many of us have lost our infatuation the golden boy of modern adult media.  Deen was on track to dethrone Ron Jeremy as the most well-known male actor.  And Jeremy has been doing a lot more than just sitting on that throne for many years now.

For many of us, finding the right porno to watch can be a daunting task.  It’s like the first day of school after you get your meal in the cafeteria, then you need to decide where to sit.  James Deen was like that kid that you knew just well enough that if you ever saw him at a table, you knew that you could sit next to him talking about pokemon cards.  He may not have been in your clique, but he always said hi to you in the hallway and if you ever got partnered up for a group project, he wouldn’t let you down.

But after everything that’s happened, he’s like that kid that you sat next to in a bathroom stall one time and you heard some really awful, guttural noises coming from the other side.  Now every time you see him, all you can do is see what you imagined happening on the other side of that stall.  You see tooth-gritting-fist-clenching deuce dropping.  You may not know exactly what transpired, but what you heard makes you not want to eat around him ever again.

So too goes James Deen.  Regardless of his previous accomplishments for adult media and feminism, I can’t shake the numerous accusations against him and enjoy his work.

And now begins the search for the new male adult star that will take our hearts doggy-style and not make stupid faces when he finishes.  As I consider myself a connoisseur of the art of pornography, I have some recommendations.  So with no further ado, in no particular order, and with tightening pants, I present:

10 Male Actors Who Could
Become Porn’s New Frontman

  1. Derrick Pierce:
    DerrickPierceHe has an outstanding resume with the people at Kink.com as well as playing villains in many XXX superhero spoofs (including playing a very good DP scene).  While he may commonly play a top-heavy dom in kink scenes, he sticks around for aftercare scenes and seems like a real sweetheart.
  2. Christian XXX
    ChristianXXXWhile he originally performed gay porn under the name “Maxxx Diesel”, he has since transitioned to doing straight scenes in addition to his previous work.  In doing this, he is actually standing up for bi/pansexual performers.  There are female performers who have refused to work with him because his is not heterosexual.  He carries it just fine, giving and receiving from many genders, even those identifying as non-binary.
  3. Tommy Pistol
    TommyPistolWhile he’s always been the Dean Koontz to James Deen’s Stephen King, things are changing.  He is poised to eclipse Deen as the non-threatening Joseph Gordon-Levitt of porno.  With his dedication to making nerd porn and his tattoos (the most notable of which being a large Aqua Teen Hunger Force graphic on his side), he’s the new age boy next door.  His look is scruffy and his body is not chiseled.  He looks like the kind of guy that you would have a very stable, functioning sex life with.
  4. Danny D
    DannyDI first encountered Danny D in an adult adaptation of Harry Potter where he played the title character.  The scene was real hot. When he screamed “EXPELLIAMUS!” as he performed his moneyshot at the end, I knew this boy was going somewhere.  If you would like to see a little more of this Englishman’s horcrux, there’s an entire tumblr dedicated to it.  Check it out, I’d definitely call it a death stick (NSFW).  He’s got an unassuming cuteness and an understated look that’s carried powerfully by his neat accent and enormous penis.
  5. Ryan Driller
    01/20/2012 - Ryan Driller - AVN Adult Entertainment Expo - Day 3 - Hard Rock Hotel - Las Vegas, NV, USA - Keywords: Adult Video News Orientation: Portrait Face Count: 1 - False - Photo Credit: Glenn Francis / PR Photos - Contact (1-866-551-7827) - Portrait Face Count: 1Driller has the looks of a standard all-american hunk.  It’s no surprise they’re asking him to play superheroes like Captain America and Superman in their respective adult adaptations.  He carries himself like a real standup guy in all of his interviews to boot!  Talking about the importance of respecting and listening to women.  He even made the adult adaptation of 50 Shades of Grey watchable!
  6. Levi Cash
    LeviCashHe’s a dopplebanger for Breckin Meyer, so if you’ve ever wanted to live out that fantasy where you have sex with the underdog of some comedy set in a college campus, look no further.  Driving that point home, he’s even appeared in adult adaptations of films like Weird Science.  He’s the kind of guy that you root for while you’re watching him bang.

 

 

 

7.  Xander Corvus
Kinkster, cosplayer, and punk musician with a voice like Tom Waits.  He’s a little grungier than the everyman people might expect to be the figurehead for adult entertainment.  But if you look past the patchy beard and the snakebite lip piercings, he’s got some solid ideas about the adult industry that might make him perfectly suited for the visibility.
8.  Logan Pierce

LoganPierce

A filmmaker first, culturalist second and incidentally a pornographer.  While he’s certainly got a sexual soul, it’s clear that he’s not the sexual deviant who typically signs up for a porno.  He’s got a real sweet way about him when I watch where I can tell he and his partner are having a really great time.  As a figurehead for pornography, I think he would certainly be more palatable than the some of the more deviant options.

9.  Tee Reel
TeeReelThere’s all this talk about making the next Doctor Who or the next James Bond a person of color.  If we’re ready to see a staple of nerd culture or a staple of action cinema go there, we really do need to step up our porno game.  In addition to facilitating any fantasies you may have had about having sex with the Old Spice Guy, he’s also a solid role model for aspiring adult entertainers everywhere.  After getting his degree in film, he worked on making music videos before he pushed to produce, direct, and star in his own adult films.

10.  Seth Gamble

SethGambleHe’s one of the few male performers that has rhythm when he needs to dance in musical scenes of adult films.  Which is a throwback to his time as an exotic dancer.  Probably why he was one of the leads in the adult adaptation of Magic Mike.  By his own admission, it was tough for him to sign up for adult media, because he doesn’t think he could be on the Disney channel afterwards.  But realistically, he could have been the kind of kid that you grew up watching on Even Stevens.

 

Those are my picks.  Just like not everyone knows about what’s transpired with James Deen, I may not know about some seedy underbelly of these performers.  So if you know anything that would disqualify any of these guys from being a good representative, post it in the comments!  If there’s anybody I missed that you think should be on this list, post them too!

Deen has some big shoes to fill, but these fellas are good at filling all sorts of spaces.

The Ho Phase

Ostensibly speaking, I can be a ho-fo-sho.

While I’m a self-identified slut with no interest in conventional ‘reform’, many other people have bouts of time in their life where they were a little (or a lot) less conservative with their sexual and/or romantic decisions.

This time is commonly referred to as “The Ho Phase”

Some people never had a Ho Phase.  Some people lie and say they never had a Ho Phase.  Some people have one to ‘get it out of their system’ while others have several Ho Phases interspersed throughout their life.  And then there are career sluts like myself who just have interspersed Non-Ho-Phases.

There is an unnecessary stigma attached to the Ho Phase, though.  This stigma rebuffs the curious and shames the practitioners.  But just like watching Digimon or bare-bottom-spanking, I encourage everyone who’s curious about it to try without a sense of shame.  If you’re reading this and you’ve never had a Ho Phase, I implore you to consider a trial.  There are many unsung benefits to Ho Phasing:

  1. Relativity
    A Ho Phase gives you a broader spectrum of lovers to gauge the quality of future partners.  You may have felt blessed when you first had someone perform oral sex on you.  I know I did.  A Ho Phase might show you how many people are willing (and skilled) at some of the things you like.  Similarly, a Ho Phase will help you appreciate the affections you’re having because they’re better than you’ve had.  A Ho Phase really tempers a person’s ability to decide when things could be better and when things could be worse.
  2. Know Thyself
    Just like you get to see what other people are capable of, a Ho Phase can tell you what you’re capable of.  If there’s something you’ve always been curious about trying, one in a series of casual partners can be very forgiving of experimentation foibles.  So if you’re a dom who’s always wanted to explore his subby side, your Ho Phase can double as a trial phase.  A Ho Phase gives you a more complete understanding of your sexual appetite.  It helps you develop a sense of what you want sexually.  This is important because people who don’t know what they want end up with a lot they do not want.

The Ho Phase is so popular, I’m certain many of you reading this have already had a Ho Phase.  You might be right in the middle of one.  You might be on that sweet precipice immediately before or just after being neck-deep in the waters of the Hocean.  Sweet though the waters are, exploring them safely is more important than exploring them completely.  Just like skydiving or analingus, some simple precautions can make this adventure awesome instead of awful.  I recommend you offer yourself the following protections:

  1. Protect Your Body
    Carry at least two condoms with you everywhere.
    Going to the club?  Bring two condoms.
    Going to the wedding reception?  Bring two condoms.
    Going on a three-hour-tour?  Bring two condoms.
    While monogamy is a vaguely safe avenue for unprotected sex, the inherent non-monogamy of the Ho Phase is not conducive to bare-backing.  If you don’t like using condoms, you probably won’t like your Ho Phase.  Unprotected enthusiasts usually end their Ho Phase after they get disappointed with safe sex.
    …or they get chlamydia.
    That’s part of the reason many Ho Phases are limited engagements.  Though even if you protect yourself for the duration of your Ho Phase, it’s probably a good idea to get tested when you think you’re done.  If you’ve got plans for a long-term Ho Phase, plan some regular testing with your doctor or find your local free clinic.
  2. Protect Your Heart
    I don’t believe in relationships that are ‘just sex’.  I believe people can try to make an encounter as solely about sex as possible, but I’ve never seen anybody reach 100%.  There’s always an emotional exchange, even if that emotion is just playful cheer.  That being said, your Ho Phase might provoke some romantic aspirations that you’re not ready to reciprocate.  Hopefully, any partner(s) you have during this phase are aware of the casual goals that you have set for yourself.  In a similar vein, your Ho Phase might stir some feelings in you that might not be reciprocated.  Ho Phasing individuals often find each other.  If the two (or three) of you start building something casual that works, complications can arise when someone wants to bring a relationship out of the Ho Phase that was forged therein.
  3. Protect Your Circles
    Be wary of being a Homie Hopper.  This goes for guys, girls, and everything in between and around.  After you’ve made the rounds with everybody that’s most conveniently suited to your present desires, you might start to feel alienated.  This is partly due to the overwhelming slutshaming that exists in conventional social circles, but you also might end up unintentionally hurting people.  Everyone in your personal circle might commiserate and bond over all feeling a little used or unimportant.
    One of the many benefits of having a Ho Phase is that you get to explore something new!  Don’t waste your wanderlust on what’s familiar.  Try online dating, join a swinger club, have a tryst at a bar with someone(s) you just met.  There is no shortage of potential spaces to indulge your personal liberation.
  4. Protect Your Egress
    When I talk to people about their Ho Phases, many say the hardest part was ending their Ho Phase.  While my solution of not ending it works for me, other people may have solid aspirations of concluding it.  While all of the previously mentioned protections will also help you smoothly transition out of this time in your life, there is an essential to exiting the Ho Phase.  You have to make sure you’re done.
    I’ve seen plenty of people who have split from their steady, long-term partner and had a bout of promiscuity before returning back to the love they know.  A good portion of these supplicants end up being unfaithful to their partner after they return.
    I don’t believe they do it because they’re not satisfied by their existing partner.  They do it because they left something in the Ho Phase.  Maybe there is a person, act, locale or other remnant of their Ho Phase that remains unfinished.  It’s hard to make a clean break when you are still tied to that.  Those ties may never be cut.  In which case, you may want to consider some long-term accommodations for your new proclivities.

All the above are helpful for a bout of less cautioned exploration of intimacy.  But what if your Ho Phase is more than just a phase?  Making a lifestyle out of the phase is certainly possible, but it takes some tactful reconsideration of your place in conventional romance.

Firstly, don’t be ashamed of your Ho Phase.  You got the chance to have some really exciting times.  You might have made some really meaningful connections.  More than anything though, you learned about yourself.  Don’t let the petty fuckers who came up with the name “Ho Phase” tell you anything about what you can be for anybody else after it.  That chapter in your life has given you what I find to be the most valuable product a partner can have: a story.

I find stories more valuable in a partner than a whole lot.  More than a car, a college education, or an antiquated idea of ‘purity’.  People who are proud of their Ho Phase have got great anecdotes about some stuff they’ve seen that worked brilliantly.  They’ve got harrowing stories about stuff that just did not.  And owning your sexual growth is a huge step towards building a world with less shame attached to intimacy.

If you want to make a lifelong adventure out of your Ho Phase, there are ways to make that work too:

  1. Polyamory
    Don’t be a ho.  Graduate to a slut.  An ethical slut.  Check out some literature about polyamory to learn more!
  2. Swinging
    If you want monogamy, but aren’t ready to give up the chance to bang around, consider joining your local swinger community.  Swingers are also a fun community to meet people who might be able to empathize with your long-game Ho Phase.
  3. Monogamish
    This is practically a monogamous relationship.  Practically.
    One or both of the partners understands the playful, fun nature of the Ho Phase to allow occasional vacations back to it.  Limited engagements like the “Hall Pass”, where you have a set amount of time to be non-monogamous are common.

Have you ever had a Ho Phase?  How did it work for you?  Please post your advice for those curious about or recovering from theirs!

Running a Train on Time

I never gangbanged a lady proper before.  Sure, I’ve had a Devil’s Threeway.  My bros and I have ganged up on a lady at a sex party.  I wrote up rules for a gangbang that never ended up happening one time.  But I was recently able to host my first ever gangbang!  With the blessing of the lucky lady and two other guys, I can finally deliver a solid account of my experience.

Firstly, let me establish my personal qualifiers for a conventional heterosexual gangbang:
1.  No more than one lady
2.  No less than three gentlemen

The lady in question and I had been planning this for months.  Late night pillow chat began our plotting.  It started out as dirty talking, evolved into fanciful imagining, and she finally just sent out invitations.  Time from first mention to moneyshot: 2.5 months.

The first thing we started talking about was who would be attending the event.  Not all of her partners were sent invitations.  When you have multiple partners, they usually occupy different spaces in your life.  Just like you may want a partner or two that you are submissive to instead of dominant, you may want some partners to not be passengers on the man-train.  Similarly, not all of the invited parties accepted.  It’s also totally legit to be uncomfortable riding the aforementioned train.

The final roster was our lady, ethical slut extraordinaire.  There was gent that she and I knew who has always been active in the poly community and we’d shared sex parties with him in the past; he was a large, muscular fellow who was just always had solutions.  It was like inviting Groot to a sex party.  Our third was her partner she had been seeing for some months, who asked that I only refer to him as “The Puerto Rican”.

After the lineup was confirmed, we started talking limits.  For this lady, there were very little.  But it’s always good to have some, just so that people know there is a ceiling on the train.  Some people, in the heat of the moment, will try some silly-ass-shit to a partner who claims to have no limits.  All the guys got to post their limits too!

It was to my pleasant surprise that my co-bangers didn’t identify as completely straight.  But outside of that, the guys didn’t have a lot of pregaming they needed to establish.  After all that was done, it was time for the hardest part about a gangbang: scheduling.

The biggest delay in orchestrating this whole affair was finding an evening where the four of us would be free for a few hours into the night and we wouldn’t be too tired from the day of, nor pressed with work the day after.  I’ve heard good things about using Doodle if you’re planning on hosting a gangbang in the near future.  Time from first invitation to moneyshot: 23 days.

I got the chance to talk with our lady about more than just her limits.  I wanted to talk to her about her requests.  I was already planning a grand scheme, but I always like to cater an intimate encounter.  She was very candid, which I really appreciated:

  1. First Ever DP
    I’d been training her for anal sex these past few months and she wanted to try her hand at getting both holes filled.  I told her I would be glad to oblige her if she thought she was ready.
  2. Bukkake
    She wanted all of us to finish on her face.  She wanted to leave the party looking like a Pollock painting.
  3. Photos
    She wanted something sweet to remember the evening.  Photos would be taken without any faces, though.  Everyone consented.
  4. Guy-on-Guy
    She revealed that part of the reason we were all chosen was because she knows that none of us are completely heterosexual and she knows that we all find each other cute.  She was hoping she would get to watch and live out her yaoi-fangirl-slashfic-fantasies.  She still wanted to be the center of attention, though.  She just wanted a little affection between the fellas.

After all that was secured, we had a launch date. Time from announced date to moneyshot: 14 Days.

We thought about having the four of us meet at a bar beforehand, but decided it was unnecessary.  My work schedule is too erratic and other obligations kept everyone from meeting up any earlier than eight o’clock.  Our lady and the Puerto Rican arrived first, they rushed over here and picked up food on the way.  While they ate at my dining room table, I made small talk and made an extremely visible task of moving my arsenal of sex toys from the bedroom to the living room.  I could see her eyeing up the steel and leather as it found its way out of my bedroom.  She later revealed this was one of the most torturous parts of the evening.

While we were waiting for our third guy to arrive, the Puerto Rican and I opened some champagne and he helped me move my weight bench into the center of the living room.  There we sat, the three of us, drinking and making small talk.  Next to us was table spread of plugs, crops, straps, rope, and equestrian equipment.  She later revealed the spread was one of the more exciting parts of the evening.

Groot, our third guy, showed up a little late.  So once he arrived, we started stripping her down.  Time from complete attendance to moneyshot: 3 Hours 21 Minutes

We stripped her bare and laid her out on the weight bench.  We strapped her down and had some casual caresses and spanks before I made her an offer.  I explained to the other guys that she had requested being able to see the three of us being a little physical with each other.  I explained to her that if I was able to stick a plug in her ass, there would be some totally hot guy-on-guy action.  Naturally, she thought this was a fair trade.

Girl took the plug like a champ.  It was time for us to hold up our end of the bargain.  Before that though, I put a velvet bag over her head so that she couldn’t see what was going on.  All she could do was hear the noises of the pure love that exists between men.  This was my first ever gay-fueled cuckqueaning and she said it was delightful.  Eventually, she started begging us to take the hood off.  I offered her a second deal.  If I took out the plug and replaced it with a dramatically larger plug, I would take off the hood.  There was some hesitation, but she agreed.

Girl took this plug like a champ..if this champ had a Pringles can in their ass.  I stripped the hood off of her and she watched the carousing between the other two guys.  I joined in and we gave her a decent PG-13 show.  I figured her neck would get tired looking up at us, so we stopped hovering over and giggling like a gay Statler and Waldorf.  We all took turns slapping her ass around with every implement in the arsenal.  Finally, I brought out my most dangerous sex toy: my box of dice for playing Dungeons and Dragons.

Rolls for roles, the d6 determined that the Puerto Rican would help himself to eating up her snatch, Groot would fuck her mouth open, and I would use some tools teasing her midsection.  When she had melted all the ice cubes and was an overstimulated mess, we unstrapped her and cast her onto her knees.  She knew just what to do and began voraciously stroking and mouthing the men’s anatomy around her.  In multiple person encounters, I find it can be very playful to engage in some novelty behaviors that simply highlight the peculiarity of the encounter.  In accordance with that, I called for the guys to join me in an activity.

It can be easy to get caught up in a sex party and forget exactly how special it is.  But nothing reminds a lady of how lucky she really is until she has three guys dickslapping her in the face with their turgid penises.  With the three of us drumming her face with our boners, it was like being in the college Marimba group again!

I escaped the drum circle for a spell to put some porno on the big screen.  While porno during sex parties can be distracting, sometimes a distraction can be a good thing.  Most guys are not trained to sustain an erection around other men, but plenty of guys have trained themselves to sustain an erection when there’s porn on.  I have a healthy stock of PMVs (Porn Music Videos), which are a crafted montage of scenes from adult films.  I muted the videos and put them on to be distracting, but not too distracting.  They were white noise for our boners.

Maybe it was inspiration from the videos, or just an irrepressible urge, but we had her on all fours taking turns getting fucked open in minutes.  Time from first penetration to moneyshot: 2 hours 13 minutes.

Tom Robbins refers to penetration in a sex party as “the great showstopper”.  While I agreed with him in my early experience; as I’ve become a more seasoned group sex practitioner, I’ve found that to be less and less true.  I understand the temptation to fall prey to the classical escalator of physical intimacy, in which penetration is the saturday night to climaxing’s Sunday morning.  But penetration as a showstopper is especially untrue at a sex party.

While encounters with two or even three people can progress from start to finish without interruption, an encounter with four or more people is often too exhausting to not take a break.  Pleasing one person should can take a lot out of you.  Pleasing three or more can be like playing soccer.  It’s alright to call a time out a few times to break up the action.

For our lot; we flipped her over, around, and used up all of her holes.  But we did this in spurts.  Our shenanigans would occasionally pause and we would have some water or refresh our cocktails.  We would pause and I would go wash that giant butt plug that I forgot I put there two hours ago.  We would pause and put on silly ass costumes.

That last part wasn’t a joke.

She wanted photos.  The guys wanted anonymity.  I keep a healthy stock of theater supplies, so I got to play dress up with everyone!  Thanks to my brilliant wardrobing abilities, there are now photos of a girl in a Sailor Mercury wig getting spitroasted by Captain America and a Luchedore wrestler while she jerks off the Phantom of the Opera.  This was my favorite part.

After we were done with the novelty sex, we resolved that it was time to get serious.  It was business time; three hole business time.  I figured I would take the back door because I’d been training her to get DP’d with me bringing up the rear.  But the Puerto Rican unexpectedly made a request to fill that hole role.  I was hesitant, I’d never been The Anchor in a DP before!

Let me clarify.  In the Statue-of-Liberty position(NSFW) for DPing, the guy on the bottom is called “The Anchor”.  Because it involves less friction in a significantly less sensitive hole, the guy with the bigger cock is usually the Anchor.  Ergo, I’ve never been the Anchor…

I was a little scared.  But I’d hate to think I spent all that time training her ass to not have someone else fuck it.  Not sharing that ass would be downright un-American!  So with a patriotic tear in my boner, I laid back and got mounted.  She rode me while the Puerto Rican sodomized her.  While getting double-stuffed, Groot came and stuck his cock in her mouth.  Time from Air Tight to moneyshot: 42 minutes.

Being the Anchor was alright.  Anchoring versus sodomizing a gal via DP is a similar parallel to being mounted versus dogging a partner one-on-one.  It was lovely, just not in the ravenous, controlling way I’m used to liking that kind of sex.  I liked feeling his cock rub against mine inside of her.  It was like our dicks were high-fiving for having accomplished her first ever DP.  The muffled moans she vented out of her filled mouth really actualized the whole air-tight experience.  It was something real special.

That being said, it did get a little uncomfortable when the Puerto Rican’s testicles kept percussively slapping against my own.  I was curious if he felt it too or if that’s something you only notice when you’re the anchor.  I wondered if I had been doing this to anchoring guys for years, or if the Puerto Rican just had a distended, pendulous nut sack.

I stopped anchoring before reaching conclusive results.

We took turns with her, exchanging positions.  Penetration may not be a showstopper.  Ass play sure as hell can be, though.  She eventually told us she wanted us to finish on her face.  I explained that I had been holding it in since we started.  I don’t think she believed me, because she said there would be a prize for whoever finished on her face first.  Time from challenge accepted to moneyshot: 38 seconds.

A Beginners Guide to Watching Porno

EDIT: GIVEN THE CURRENT ALLEGATIONS AGAINST JAMES DEEN, I AM RESCINDING MY RECOMMENDATION OF HIM AS A PERFORMER

When I was six years old, my buddy got his hands on some adult cinema from his dad.  I had no idea what it was when he first popped it in the VHS player.  But when the electric guitar and wah wah pedal started rolling and I witnessed my very first act of carnality, I was a changed man awkward bowl-cut little twerp.  This began a very long love affair with the world of adult films.

Pornos taught me there was a difference female anatomy when I was very young.  They made my monogamous, celibate relationship back in high school livable.  Porno put me through college when I worked as an intern for an adult erotica production company.  And Porno has always been there for me when I’ve felt like I had nothing else.

But not everyone has been as fortunate as I have.  Many people haven’t been properly exposed to adult entertainment.  In my experiences, this is especially true of young women in this country.  Guys get introduced and practically encouraged to watch porno by their peers, mentors and public media.  But unfortunately, the sexual suppression of women blankets even their personal sexual growth.

Sometimes, they simply never got the chance to watch it.  Maybe their adolescent friends weren’t raiding their dad’s porno stash…

A lot of the time though, there is a level of shame ascribed to all sexuality for a woman.  Because of this, lots of gals deprive themselves out of a societal pressure from a very young age.  Ergo, there is very little consumption from women in the adult markets.  Concordantly, the majority of pornos are marketed towards the Y chromosome.

I’m a huge proponent of equality, though.  And there is zero reason for a woman to not be allowed the same appetite for explicit media that a man has.  The time has come to reclaim your place in the world of perverts, ladies!

Nobody expects you to just dive in to the nearest porn tube and start playing with the little man in the boat, though.  Like a good video game, sometimes it’s best to start with the tutorial.  I polled the sex-positive ladies in my life, and groomed my personal collection (2TB worth) for the best avenues to start watching.  Without further ado:

Great Introductions to Porn

  1. James Deen
    The Joseph Gordon Levitt of porn.  He doesn’t look like your average porn star, ripped with muscles and tribal tattoos.  He looks like the nice guy you would have wanted to lose your virginity to.  In addition to being a real cutie, he’s also got a great spirit.  He’s a writer and his blog has some wonderful posts.  He’s a producer of independent sci-fi films.  And he is a political activist and redditor.  He’s also got a wonderful relationship with his partner, Stoya.  Stoya did a brilliant interview for the Huffington Post where she shows that she’s an unconventionally cerebral adult entertainer, just like her man.
  2. Nina Hartley
    The Marge Simpson of porno.  This gal has been making movies for the past 30 years.  At this point, she’s making porno incidentally in her efforts to spread her sex-positive agenda.  She primarily makes guides to offer her insights on modern sexual practice.  She wrote a book concerning this exploits and has a whole library of videos dedicated to educating adults on everything from bondage(NSFW) to sex during pregnancy(NSFW).  I even met her one time at an adult novelty shop where she was giving a class on sexuality.  The lecture was wonderful and she even agreed to pose for a picture with me!
  3. Sasha Grey
    Much like Nina Hartley and James Deen, Sasha Grey has also expanded her career into non-adult films.  She’s starred in a few arthouse flicks, as well as some bigger dramas and campy horror.  She even appeared in a great comedy webshort series directed by James Gunn (The guy directing Guardians of the Galaxy).  She still makes porno when she’s not acting in mainstream films, or reading to children, or advocating for things like women’s rights.  Ultimately though, she has an unmitigated interest in her adult work.  And one of the best quotes defending her right to do it.
  4. Burning Angel Productions
    Similar to other alt-porn venues like Suicide Girls.  The big difference is that Burning Angel films hardcore scenes.  It is very unusual for a hardcore company to be run by a woman, too.  But Burning Angel gets its name from the stunning Joanna Angel, who is also the creator of the whole franchise.  Joanna Angel has an expansive network with a number of stunning actresses.  Among them, all of the previously mentioned actors have worked for her.  In addition, some first-timer favorites include Jizz Lee (if you like them butch), Larkin Love (if you like them curvy), Tommy Pistol (If you like guys with ATHF tattoos), or his wife Gia Paloma (if you want a girl who can take some real punishment)
  5. Kink.Com
    If you’ve ever wanted to explore BDSM erotica, Kink.Com has some wonderful resources.  Firstly, all of the previously mentioned performers have done scenes there.  Another major selling point is that in every show, there are three parts of the movie.  The first is a pre-session scene where they talk with the models and establish things like consent, limits, and safewords.  Then there’s the scene which may or may not have any sex in it.  Scenes at Kink.Com are sometimes entirely bondage.  The last part of their movies is a post-scene debriefing where they talk with the actor(s) about the what happened and how they felt about it.  For a really excellent, healthy introduction to BDSM, I recommend you check it out.  Specifically,I recommend The Training of O series (NSFW).
  6. Gianna Michaels
    Outside of her totally hot, curvy, natural body.  This lady exudes a brilliant feminine power.  She barks orders at guys who are fucking her, has made male actors accidentally climax (NSFW here and here), and she spit a load of cum(NSFW)  at a dude who was heckling her during a public scene.  In my experience, Gianna has been received better than any other female actress.

A lot of women I talk to tell me that they only watch girl-on-girl scenes.  All of the above actresses have performed in girl/girl scenes.  Those are just my recommendations for first-timers.

Women are in a unique position in the adult market.  Because media isn’t so strongly marketed towards them, all the genres are on essentially equal footing.  A lady can peruse all of the categories and really have a chance to develop their own unique taste in pornography.  As a guy, conventional porno is ingrained in me.  I’ve been pigeonholed into liking a specific kind of girl and a specific genre.  A woman’s introduction to pornography can be a real journey of self discovery.

Young ladies aren’t groomed to enjoy POV milf creampies that way that guys are.  Therefore, I encourage women to really explore their interests.  Spread your search to include all manner of peculiar bits of adult cinema.  Maybe you’ll like watching guy/guy stuff as much as the average guy likes watching girl/girl scenes.  Maybe animated erotica appeals more to you and you want to watch some hentai or read some dojinshi.  Maybe you have a thing for PAWGs.

If you want to explore the world of adult entertainment and find out what works for you, I recommend the following websites (ALL NSFW, Obv.):

  1. 4chan’s /gif/-
    4chan is the ultimate anonymous message board website.  One board is dedicated exclusively to sharing gifs images.  Like any internet forum, it is sometimes used to share things like animations of cats doing stupid shit.  Primarily though, it’s a fine sampler of 3-10 second clips of adult media.  It’s like the Taste of Chicago of pornography.  Going there right now, I see threads on the subject of fuck machines, pregnant hardcore, and double-penetration.  And that’s just on the first page (of 10!)  It’s constantly changing via user submissions.  So the sampler changes every day.
  2. NSFW Reddits-
    Similar to 4chan in that it is all smaller media submitted by anonymous users.  The neat part is that you can subscribe to communities dedicated to different genres like MassiveCocks, AbusePorn, or ChickFlixx (a place for pro-porn ladies to share/discuss adult cinema that appeals to them).
  3. XnXX
    They have an expansive selection of media where you can search by tags (such as BDSM or Pterodactyl) or by actor/actress (such as Siri or Sarina Valentina).  Much like youtube, they also provide recommended viewing with each video you watch!  This also has my favorite mobile site of any adult tube.  So if you need to sneak into the bathroom at work to give yourself a treat (I call it the crap-n-fap), it’s compatible with Android and iPhone.
  4. NudeVista
    Similar to XnXX.  It doesn’t have nearly the mobile capability, but the stock of available videos is mind-boggling.  NudeVista searches through a number existing adult tubes for what you want and directs you to them.  It’s like Expedia.com, but for masturbation instead of travel.
  5. Empornium
    The idea of non-streaming adult media is becoming archaic, but if you ever want to have a copy of something, download it here.  This is the finest torrent tracker since they shut down Demonoid.  They grill membership real hard to have a good seed:leech ratio, so I recommend downloading only freeleech torrents at first.  Once you have a good ratio, feel free to explore by searching via tags.  Remember, in the tag search, you can’t have spaces.  So separate words with periods:
    E.G. if you want to search for Lisa Ann, search for the tag “lisa.ann”.  Or if you want to search for champagne enemas, search for the term “champagne.enema”.  Then you can combine them with spaces between to see if there are any results for “fishnet.stockings doctor.who prolapse.licking”

Remember, the adult market is struggling with the advent of filesharing.  And adult entertainers cannot supplement their media revenue with a performance tour the way that a musician can 😦 .  So make sure you show your support of certain artists/production companies by offering them your patronage.

If you have any other recommendations for good starting points for appreciations of adult media, feel free to post them in the comments!

Role Call

Usually when I roleplay, I play an elf wizard.  Sometimes though, I pretend to be a rapist.  Bedroom roleplays may not involve any dice, but they are certainly a good deal of fun.  A lot of people claim they wouldn’t know how to begin a bedroom roleplay, but most of us have been training since we were kids!

Playing pretend was always one of my favorite activities.  Growing up, my friends and I would pretend we were the Power Rangers, the X-Men, the Animaniacs.  Sometimes, we would even play ‘house’ and pretend to be adults.  I remember the play being so enlivening; trying to be someone else.  Pre-empting all of your talk and actions to fit into this version of you that wasn’t you.  Watching your friends do it was great too.  I loved seeing them struggle to fit into a different character than their usual personality, or revel in a part of themselves they didn’t usually get to inhabit.

Tragically, playing pretend gets phased out along with other great activities we practiced in our youth; like Red-Rover and optimism for the future.  Most people never try a sexy roleplay, but playing pretend in your adult bedroom is important for a number of reasons.

In becoming someone else in the sack, you get the chance to evaluate your usual bedroom persona.  You get see the areas you don’t really explore, as well as the areas where you excel.  Similarly, your partner will get the chance to experience these in you and see themselves from the outside too.  Pretending can be especially beneficial for monogamous couples.  After all, if you’re only going to be sleeping with one person for the rest of your life, then it can be very good to explore the different dimensions of their sexual personality.

Before I dive into the gritty details of some standard bedroom roleplays, there are two basic principles I want to drive home about roleplaying in the bedroom:

  1. Safewords-
    Your roleplay might go somewhere real dark.  Make sure your partner and you have an established safeword so that you both know when it’s time to break character
  2. Fantasies and Desires-
    A roleplay is a chance to explore something sexually that cannot happen in real life.  A lot of the time though, it’s a chance to explore the sexual aspect of a scenario that should not happen in real life.  Make sure you keep yourself in check by acknowledging what’s happening as a fantasy, not a desire.  If it’s a fantasy, it’s a harmless and all you need to do is find another consenting adult to help you explore it.  If it’s a desire, that means you want to make this scenario happen in real life, and you should strongly consider speaking to a psychological professional about your feelings.

Having said that, here are some potential roleplays to try with your partner(s).  I’ve separated them into different ratings, based on how unconventional they are.  I recommend everyone start at the tamer end of things and work your way up to other roleplays that interest you:

PG-13 Roleplays

These are a really great way to explore the wilder side of vanilla-ish sex.  These are the fuzzy handcuffs of bedroom roleplays.

  1. The Strangers-
    Your partner(s) and yourself go to a bar and pretend to be people who don’t know each other.  Drinks get purchased, cheesy pickup lines get dropped, by last call you’ve decided to go home with each other (or to a hotel if you want the roleplay to be more immersive).  This is a brilliant first-time roleplay for couples to do.  It is a good way to step outside of yourselves while still recognizing the special parts about each other that you fell for in the first place.
  2. The Service-
    One of you pretends to be the french maid, plumber, massues, repairman, nurse, doctor, hair-stylist, shoeshine boy, and/or beekeeper.  One of you needs a service performed.  The other provides the service and then a few more services.  This is a great opportunity to play with costumes and power dynamics.
  3. The Love Machine-
    Sci-Fi nerds will dig this one.  One of you is a robot built to please the other.  The robot is programmed to do exactly as it’s told.  It is also fully functional and anatomically correct.
  4. The Rule 34-
    Based on the eponymous internet rule of the same name, this is where one/both/all of you dress up as a fictional character.  You can be Sailor Moon and Tuxedo Mask, you can double team Catwoman as Batman and Robin, you can have a Digidestined orgy!  Don’t feel bound up in one franchise, though.  Consider crossing medias like Silk Spectre/Deadpool, Vampirella/Deadpool, or Superman/Deadpool.  Those of you in the Cosplay community should definitely try this one.  I’d hate to think of your Daenerys and Khal Drogo costumes collecting dust in between cons.
  5. The Fantasy-
    Similar to the Rule 34, but this one is your own story.  Those of you with degrees in english and/or writing, I’m looking at you.  Maybe you’ve always wanted to be taken in the night by a vampire (whichever kind you like).  Ever been to a Renaissance Fare and want to go medieval on someone’s ass?  Or maybe you have a character in an existing tabletop roleplaying game that you would want to inhabit sensually for an exotic LARP.  It puts a whole new spin on the phrase “dungeon master”.
  6. Pet Play-
    Have you always been intrigued by animality in the bedroom, but totally turned off by the furry community?  If so, then petplay might be for you.  One of you is the master, the other(s) are the pet.  Be it cat, dog, horse, bunny, pig, hermit crab, etc; the important thing is that you belong to the master.  Go to the local Petsmart and invest in some supplies, then treat your partner(s) like the critter of their choosing.  They even make butt plugs with the tail of your choice(NSFW)!  Use the collar, leash, food dish, neck cone, and/or squeaky toy like they were your pet.  And then have sex with them like they were your pet!  consenting, adult, humans.
  7. School Play-
    I’ve had plenty of partners in the past tell me that they used to have a crush on their teacher when they were teenagers and wanted to roleplay out that old fantasy.  After I became a teacher, every partner I had wanted that roleplay.  The classroom converts to a place of torture pretty easily.  Rulers make for fine spanking implements, plaid skirts can be left on mid-coitus and used as leverage if someone is bent over.  Also, standing next to someone sitting at a desk puts them at optimal height for performing fellatio.  The magnum opus of my schoolplay career was a detention roleplay that ended with the ‘student’ being bent over the desk and fucked wide open while writing “I will not dress like a slut in class” a hundred times.  She never finished.  I sure did, though.
  8. Gender Play-
    Maybe one (or both/all) of you wants to see what it’s like from the other sex’s side of sex.  This doesn’t mean you should audition for Rupaul’s Drag Race or anything.  Guys might have a fantasy about having their skirts lifted up, their panties moved over to the side and being taken from behind.  Girls may have always wanted to put on a suit and feed their strap-on/feeldo out the zipper to fuck someone like a man would.  Try a prom night roleplay where one/both of you take on the opposite genders!

R Rated Roleplays

These are a little more intense, much of them relying on consensual non-consent.  So make sure you’ve got a safeword!

  1. Rape Play-
    This is, by far, the most common roleplay that gets requested from me.  It’s a very common fantasy (Read: Fantasy!  Not desire!) for plenty of women.  I’ve also fantasized about being on the receiving end of someone who is just going to take me, regardless of what I say.  There’s something very exciting about the idea of being taken.  The person who is doing the taking is also taken.  They are taken with a need to do things to your body, to use you up.  That kind of animalistic desire can be very sexy.  Maybe ‘the assailant’ was waiting for you to get home before they assaulted you, maybe two of them lured you over for a movie just to hold you down and take turns with you, or maybe you’re being held up at (hopefully a fake) gun point.  In a rape scenario, “no” will not always mean no.  So make sure you’ve got a safeword ready!
  2. Blackmail-
    It’s not forced sex.  Though, it’s certainly not willing.  In that, it has the same power exchange as a rape play.  But there’s less physical control involved.  You’re still taking, but it’s only because you ‘have’ something they ‘want’.  This could be some incriminating evidence that you lord over them for sexual service or a favor they need from you that you demand physical repayment.  Write your own story and be creative!
  3. Military Play-
    Uniforms are very sexy.  In both guys and girls.  But even more than that, military play is grounded heavily in power exchange.  You could have a USO performer come to take care of our boys overseas, a strict female lieutenant who intends to break a young upstart cadet, or a spy who’s captured by an intelligence officer that gets tortured and interrogated.
  4. The Adult Service-
    Just like the PG-13 Service, except you’re not the janitor.  One of you is a stripper, hooker, or gigolo.  The neat thing about this roleplay is the use of money.  You can use monopoly money if you really want, but there is something very exciting about hard green cash.  Make the service crawl after a trail of bills to your lap, make it rain while they are bent over in front of you.  If you’re the service in this case, you can have a ‘price’ per act.  Then try and upsell your client on higher fares.

 

NC-17 Roleplays

These are some exceeeeeeedingly taboo roleplays.  Make sure that you are 100% comfortable with yourself and your partner before you dive in to try any of these.  You are definitely going to need to recognize the difference between fantasies and desires prior to approaching any of these subjects.  These are so far from Vanilla, they’re practically sorbet.  Because these acts are so impossibly taboo though, it can be a real sign of trust if somebody wants to explore them with you.

  1. Ageplay-
    Pretending to be an age that you aren’t, but not for stuff like beer or cheap movie tickets.  There are two main ageplayer circles in the kink community.  There is the ABDL (Adult Baby Diaper Lovers) and the DDLG (Daddy Dominant Little Girls).  These are where the majority of ageplayers are if you were interested in connecting with that community.  The ABDL community relies heavily on the use of adult-sized baby costumes, and involves bottle feeding and diaper changing.  I have had zero experience with this community, so I strongly encourage you to search fetlife for a local branch that can give you a more comprehensive understanding.  I’ve had some experience in the DDLG field, though.  Now, some people just like calling their partner “daddy” in the bedroom.  Some of my partners wanted the full father/daughter roleplay – 24/7.  They wanted me to take them out for a happy meal, watch cartoons with them, then read them a story before bed.  But not all ageplay is incest play.  I had a partner pretend to be an 8-year-old trick-or-treater who came knocking on my door dressed as Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz.  My character explained that I was out of candy, and she should come upstairs where I have some more.  10 minutes later, there was some very raucous anal sex happening where I was ‘forcing’ her to scream “we’re not in Kansas any more!”
  2. Incest Play- 
    Not all ageplay is incest and not all incest is ageplay.  While the daddy/daughter is certainly the most common, I’ve had multiple partners explain a fantasy they’ve had about being taken by an older brother.  It could be that you’re living with your older brother until you find a job, and he just got broken up with by a gal, so you decide to relieve some stress on that front.  It could be that your cousin is staying in town and there is a forbidden lust that arises.  Rachel Steele(NSFW) is the premiere adult entertainer concerning films whose storylines centralized on incest.  There is also a popular internet trend called Wincest(NSFW) which is just captioned photos that you could potentially use to inspire a roleplay.  Those of you in interracial relationships may need to stretch your imaginations unless you want a scenario involving your step-family(NSFW) which leads us directly into:
  3. Raceplay-
    Thin ice, this one.  It may even be more taboo than ageplay and incest play.  It’s at least a lot harder to find porn of it (NSFW)
    Raceplay is the sexual roleplay relying heavily on race and racism.  I’ve heard of Black slave and White master, Vietnam soldier and villager, even SS Soldier and Auschwitz prisoner.  Be ready to push some social limits if you’re exploring this one.  Do some research if you are interested in some race-appropriate put-downs.

Those are just the roleplays I’ve explored, though.  If I missed any, I hope you post them in the comments for everyone to see!  If you want to explore a roleplay, but aren’t necessarily comfortable doing it with a partner, there are avenues for that too.  I recommend hopping onto a website with some anonymous chat features like Omegle.com or finding a group dedicated to online roleplaying like the one on fetlife.

Also, because I was a Dungeon Master since third edition, I’ve arranged each of these categories so that you can roll dice to determine which roleplay you would like to do with your partner.  Hopefully, you have some polyhedral dice handy, because the PG-13 list can be determined with a d8, the R Rated list is rolled with a d4, and the NC-17 list is rolled with a d3.

I also recommend you mix and match all these categories.  You could have a military father who turns into a werewolf rapist every full moon!

Some of the best roleplays are a combination of the categories.  Therefore, I have also written this chart where you can roll a 20-sided-die (a “d20”, as the cool kids call it) to determine which roleplay(s) you could be doing!

d20roll

 

Peter, Paul, & Mary

This blog is about polyamory and sexcapades, but it’s not like the twain shall never meet.  Multiple partner sexual encounters: threesomes, foursomes and moresomes happen all the time.  I want to talk about threesomes for a spell.

Specifically, the kind with two guys.

The MMF, the Devil’s Threeway, Riding the Man-Train, fingercuffing, spitroasting; this activity has many names.  Society usually gives many different metonyms to subjects that make people uncomfortable.  But this form of lovemaking is becoming much more common.

The MMF threeway has come a long way in 5 years alone.  What started (2006) as a really dirty song by possibly the most flagrantly sexual music artist alive today, eventually became a baby-making club jam (2009) by the princess of pop.  The most popular incarnation yet (2011) was done by the princess’ ex on primetime television.

The public presence of the MMF is just the tip of the fuckberg.  In my experience, the majority of women have a fantasy involving more than one man, even if many of them want to keep this as a fantasy without actualizing it.  The number of friends that have actualized this fantasy is definitely not the majority, but it is certainly much higher than you might expect.

Now that it’s becoming more popular, I see no reason for it to be a hushed faux pas.  If you are a couple interested in developing your MMF threesome skills, this post is for you!  We’re still transitioning to making the MMF as realistic as the FFM, mind you.  The transition period is going to be a bit of a trial, so be sure to exercise caution, specifically:

  • Ask what the lady wants.  Does she want to get treated by two gentlemen?  Does she want to get used up by two horny guys?  Does she want to play a supporting role in some yaoi fantasy that she muses?  Does she want them to take turns?  Does she want them to make an Eiffel Tower?  What revs her vagine is going to be a driving factor in this whole party.
  • Find out where the guys fall on the Kinsey Scale.  Sure, it would be great if everybody was on everybody.  It’s hard enough to find two guys who want to have sex with the same gal at the same time.  But to also find two that want to bang each other during that?  Tough.  Getting double-teamed by two straight guys can be a lot of fun for everyone, even if they guys don’t make eye contact.  Regardless, find out how comfortable they are with each other first!
  • Talk to your partners about who’s going where.  Who goes first?  Who finishes last?  Where do they finish?  If it’s a couple bringing in another guy, what holes is he allowed to use?  If you are going for a double-stuffing, who’s taking the ass?  Establish these things now, it’s not good to improvise too much when surrounded by dicks.

Now here are some benefits and pitfalls of the MMF threeway:

Benefits

  1. Double your pleasure
    The female body is full of erogenous zones, more than any one partner can occupy at any given time.  Double the men, double the stimulation.  Having twice the fingertips on skin, twice the lips on collar and chest, and twice the cock can be a very decadently pleasurable experience.  After all, a lady has all those holes.  Guys hate to see them go to waste.
  2. Personal Wingmanning
    There are plenty of guys, whether they admit it or not, who really do care for their other male friends.  There can be more than just a sense of comradery or bromance.  A lot of the time, men feel an intimate connection for the other men in their life.  While they may not want to suck dick, drink mojitos, and march in the pride parade; they might certainly want to share a lover with the men to whom they feel close.
  3. Utilize those skills
    It’s always been said, and been recently proven, that women are better at multitasking than men.  You can handle two dudes better than your guy handles two ladies.  I know a lot of girls might be scared by the idea of having to please two men at once.  But if guys can handle an FFM,  It just makes sense that a lady would be able to take better care of two guys.  Because science, that’s why.

Pitfalls

  1. Going soft.
    This has happened every time I have ever had a sexual encounter with a girl and another guy.  Most times, it’s the guy’s first time getting it up with another dude there.  Sometimes, it’s an old pro who’s off his game.  Sometimes, i’m the one going soft.   And when it slips away, a lot of guys think it’ll never come back, though many times it does.  Us guys have all been cultured for a very long time to think that you should never ever have a boner around another man, it’s hard to break that training.   Here are some things that worked for me:
    If you are the soft one:
    Don’t drink.  Preventative measure, whiskey dick happens to the best of us.  It happens a lot more when you need to perform.
    Step off the girl for a spell.  Watch the two of them and touch yourself.  They’ll can get excited from being watched, you can find a hot voyeuristic thrill, and it’s a lot more comfortable when you know they’re with each other, not watching you work through your issue.
    -Tell them what you want.  If you’ve got a certain way that always gets you hard, let them know that you’re going to need her to tickle your balls while she sucks your dick or whatever always works for you.
    If the other guy can’t get it up:
    Give him some time alone with her.  Tell them you’re going to go take a shower or have a smoke.  When you get back, the boner ball should be rolling and you can just throw yourself in the mix.
    -Put on some porno.  Something very vanilla and sexy.  Chances are, he’s used to getting a boner when that’s on.
    -Tell him you want to watch.  Even if you’d rather play.  The idea that you would rather watch him fuck a girl than fuck the girl will make him feel like god’s gift to manhood.
  2. Surprise Homosexuality.
    There have been a number of times during an MMF encounter where the other man, independently of any knowledge of my sexuality, just started performing fellatio.  I wasn’t going to complain, but I can understand other men being put off by this kind of unprompted behavior.
  3. Stewing competition
    Ladies, please keep this in mind if the guys aren’t into each other: We compare in the locker rooms; of course, we compare in a threeway.  Not just size, either.  We compare fitness, grooming, technique.  If you are the vertex in this ensemble, try and diffuse any competition.  Make them feel like they are really working together.  Put the team in double-teaming.  Don’t ever make them feel like they are competing for your affections.

There is a lot more to be said for the MMF engagement: positions, aftercare, safety, etc…

Until I write a part two, I hope this covers enough for those of you curious to finally try!

Flawless Victory

Image

Yes, I do sometimes equate my ejaculation with a fatality like in the old Mortal Kombat Arcade.  That game taught me a lot about my own sexuality.  There are a lot of parallels for me between my sex life and the 1992 Mortal Kombat game:

  • I use special moves
  • It happens in a dungeon sometimes
  • There’s one girl for every six guys
  • Every round doesn’t last longer than 90 seconds
  • The movie adaptations were very disappointing

I draw very special attention to the end of the match though, the finishing move.  Even if it’s a great match, and our fingers are worked to burger and we are gasping for breath at the end of yelling wild things at each other the whole time, even then, it’s no good without the Pièce de résistance.  When the announcer says FINISH HIM, you’ve got to deliver the fatality.  Or in the case of a good session of fucking, my climax; which I sometimes call a fatality.

Most guys can only finish one time.  Because of this, that culminating spell of godsent bliss is their only official time to shine.  As long as it’s harmless, I encourage you to tolerate, nay, celebrate whatever noises, faces, or other celebrations they want to make.  After all, you helped them make it!

Specifically though, I want to talk about what happens to my ejaculate.  I can only churn out so much every day, I don’t want to see it go any old place!

With no further ado, I give you:

Pilot Precise’s Guide to the Spectacle of Jizzing

First thing you need to decide is where you want that thing to go off.

Some recommendations:

  • In you
  • On you
  • On something (or someone) else

Finishing Inside

Make sure you’re using condoms unless you have an established fluid bonding with your partner, of course.  Protected or no, finishing inside someone is less a spectacle of jizz and more a spectacle of reaction and symbolism.  But we can still make a show of it:

  • In a condom-
    There’s nothing wrong with having a guy finish in a condom (unless he’s allergic to whatever material you’re using).  It’s hard to make a spectacle of his climax with this, though.  What you can do: make a spectacle out of taking the condom off.  Roll it off slowly, paying attention to the parts of him that are still sensitive.  Then make a fun prop out of the condom:
    -Milk it out onto your body or into your mouth.
    -Tell him you’re keeping the used condom in your panties all day.
    -Take the condom off and pitch it against the wall.  Try to make it stick!
  • In a vagina (creampieing)-
    Firstly, make sure that the person is using birth control and that the two of you are on the same page considering abortion.  Unless you are looking to procreate, then just go buckwild!  Finishing inside of a vagina is a really intimate experience, as far as your bodies are concerned, your progenerating the human race; which feels pretty good.  You can color it kinky by:
    -Finger yourself afterwards, then lick your fingers
    -Having a third partner eat you out so they can taste the cum
    -Say something really kinky while he’s finishing, like “I want to have your abortion”.
  • In the anus
    Anal creampies are really fun with major pros and major cons.  The pros include zero chance of pregnancy.  But unless you’re into anal felching[NSFW], there’s not a lot you can do once the deposit has been made.
  • In the mouth
    If you need to pull out, but don’t want to make a mess of anything but your partner, giving it to them in the mouth is an excellent option.  Spit, swallow, or snowball; it says a lot when you take a shot in the mouth.  Here are some items that can really enhance the experience:
    -Make sure your guy doesn’t smoke and limits heavy drinking.  Have him eat a lot of foods with natural sugars, like Pineapple.  This will make his semen taste much better and you can compliment him on giving you a treat!
    -After he’s pumped your mouth full of cum, if you don’t want to swallow, you can let it drip down onto your body.  That way, your guy won’t feel any dejection of seeing his load get spit into the trash/toilet/hamper.

Finishing On You

Moneyshotting.  If you want to make a spectacle of it, make sure they can see it.  Wherever you put it!

  • In the face
    GOLDEN RULE FOR FINISHING ON SOMEONE’S FACE: Avoid the eyes and hair.
    As someone who’s gotten it in the eyes and hair, it’s definitely not worth it.  If you want to finish like a porn star, do it like a pro and aim.
  • On the tits
    Great place to finish!  If they have a huge rack, it’s a wonderful accent.  It’s like planting a flag on top of a really tall mountain you just climbed.  If they have very petite, tiny breasts, the load will look fucking monstrous!  Like they got blasted with a torrential moneyshot.
  • On the tummy
    No matter what kind of tummy they have: a tight little tummy, a plump and round one, a big one from being pregnant.  Tummy shots are great because the recipient gets to see it too, so they can see how much they just brewed out of their partner.
  • On the bottom
    Fucking from behind, finish from behind.  The anticipation of being on all fours, feeling your partner stroking himself; it’s an excellent buildup to the culminating, warm burst of feeling someone finish on your behind.
  • On the feet
    Foot fetish is one of the most popular fetishes.  One of the few that I have yet to wrap my desires around.  If your partner has a foot fetish, talk to them about potentially involving a moneyshot on the feet/in the shoes/on the stockings.
  • On the hole.
    Pulling out just at the end and finishing on whatever orifice was just being penetrated can be very hot and primal.  People are always more sensitive right at the hole, so it’s that much more exciting when something thick and warm gets shot all over it.

Mind you, the climax isn’t the end when finishing on a partner.  You can be a considerate lover and juxtapose the harsh moneyshot by performing a gentle cleanup.  You can keep the power play all day by having them put their shirt/panties on over what just got sprayed on them, then make them walk around with that rubbing against them as a reminder all day long.  So much potential when you don’t spend it all in one place!  Speaking of which…

Finishing off your partner

If it’s not going in them or on them, where’s it going?

  • On their clothes
    Just like finishing on someone and making them put clothes over it to remind them all day, you can reach the same result by finishing on somebodies bra/panties/heels/balaklava…
  • In a dish
    If you are into pet-play[NSFW], Gokkun, or just cooking, the spectacle can be made by having the finale be presented as a treat (or a punishment) in a dish.  You can then reward (or force) them to eat it up.
  • On somebody else
    The tough part about threeways with guys is that most guys only get to finish one time.  How do two people share one climax?  Try one, or any combination of these:
    -Have partner A stroke a climax onto partner B: That way one partner feels the accomplishment of getting someone off, and the other partner feels like they are the inspiration for it (they also get the receive it!).
    -Finish on both partners.  Sharing is caring!  And it’s a very common porno trope to finish on two partners at once.  Finish on their faces[NSFW], or anywhere else I listed in the Finishing On section.  Get creative and try finishing on one partner, so it drips onto your other partner[NSFW]!
  • Onto yourself
    It’s very nice to wind down from an excellent session by having a partner clean up a mess they just made on your person.  Whether they are using a soft towel, their own panties, or their tongue, aftercare for a guy is its own flavor.  Warning though, a lot of guys (myself included) have a thick chest of hair.  Getting jizz out of body hair is about as tough as getting it out of the hairs on your head!
  • Onto their stuff
    Even outside their clothing, this plays into a power dynamic really well.  The symbolism can get real rich too, some of these worked for me:
    -Jizzing up a pillow for them to sleep on.  When living apart, it’s a good way to stay on a partner’s mind.  LDR peoples, I’m looking at you!
    -Finish onto a photo:  A picture of them, their shitty ex, a different partner (for soft cucking), a cute celebrity, get creative!
    -Their childhood toys.  There’s a very special kind of control that only comes from having a partner jerk you off onto their Pikachu plushy from 5th grade.

That all but concludes the guidelines.  Mind you, this is the tip of the iceberg as far as the spectacle of jizzing.  Part 2 could definitely be written, but you’re bound to find hundreds of different answers if you ask the men in your life where they want it to go!

Happy jizzing!

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