Womanizing Your Apartment

I really try to make sure a girl doesn’t regret going home with me.  Making my apartment a little less regrettable is square one in that effort.  Sure, keeping my dirty laundry in a hamper, my filthy dishes in the sink, and my bedsheets absent of mysterious stains is generally enough to keep those regrets at bay; there’s so much more to having a functioning home that will keep the ladies coming back for more of my company.

Like most live-alone bachelors, I don’t have a lot of essentials that a woman would find at one of her girl’s places.  So before all women figure out the benefits of lesbian relationships, let’s take this room-by-room and I’ll tell you some of the most successful additions I’ve made to my apartment to give the fairer sex a reason to visit again.

The Bathroom

If it’s the end of the date, your gal might ask to use your washroom before she goes home.  If you’re bathroom looks amenable to her, she might consider it better to crash at your place than trek home.  Here are some additions I’ve made to keep those considerations considerable:

  1. Femenine Products
    Plenty of girls keep extras of their preferred products in their purse.  If there’s no backup, though, they might be less likely to stay the night away from their rations back home.  While keeping a spare reusable femenine product is certainly environmentally friendly, I doubt every girl you bring home wants to share the same Diva Cup.  I recommend keeping both disposable pads and tampons visible in your bathroom.  For the tampons, Pearl (with an applicator) generally works for everyone in a pinch and is available at most stores.  If you wanna go the extra mile on her cycle, keep some Motrin visible next to the boxes.
  2. Wet Naps
    When a gal says she’s going to “freshen up”, she’s hoping a guy has some of these.  She might use these to wipe the excitement out of her crevasses before taking things to the bedroom and it couldn’t hurt for you to do the same.  Sometimes, they’ll need to freshen up after sex too(esp. if there’s some menstruation and/or backdooring).  And if they don’t have time to go home before work the next day, they can use these to give themselves a field-shower (also known by the less sensitive term “Whore Bath“, guess why).  Unscented Wet Ones (or some legit makeup removal wipes if you wanna score extra points) are also great to have for getting her makeup off before bed so that she doesn’t leave a Pollock painting on the pillow.
  3. A Lined Trash Can with a Lid
    If they are using your wet naps and spare tampons, you better believe your trash can is getting filled with some second-hand womanhood.  A plastic bag will stop things from sticking to the bottom.  A can with a lid will spare your gal the ordeal of having to bury her used products under piles of tissue and toilet paper rolls only to be unearthed the morning after when your dog sniffs into your trash bin and tears the refuse out into a million twisted, brown-red shreds in your kitchen.  And many girls find their used products unsightly, so it’s best to have a lid cover that.
  4. UTI Care
    Of the many benefits there are to being a guy, one is the lack of urinary tract infections.  Most guys go their whole lives without getting one.  On the other hand, 50-60% of women have experienced these painful episodes.  The extra kicker is that UTIs are most commonly caused by having sex.  Given that we’re almost certainly implicit in the infection, so to does the responsibility of treatment fall on the guy’s shoulders.  Invest in some cranberry pills and some AZO (or the store brand urinary pain relief pills) for your lady to limit the physical pain she has reminding her of fucking you.
  5. Hair Care
    As a short-haired guy; I have no need for a hairbrush, curling iron, blow dryer, or bobby pins; but I still have them.  While I used to spike my hair pretty fierce, I haven’t needed any Aqua Net in a long time, but still have it.  I’m sure some girls might wonder why I keep all these things in my bathroom.  But for every one girl that’s wondering, there are 10 girls thanking me for saving their aesthetic for the day.
  6. Miscellaneous Spare Toiletries
    Just like a hotel gives away, keep some items on hand you’re okay throwing away after use.  Here’s what I keep: contact lens cases & solution, toothbrushes, razors, chapstick, safety pins (for bra malfunctions), nail polish (for stocking malfunctions).

The Bedroom

Where the magic happens.  Generally, if they’ve agreed to join me here, I feel like the hard work is already done.  But I could still get hung up on something trivial that will disrupt the romantic flow.  To keep your love machine well oiled, consider making some of the following investments:

  1. Hair Ties
    Most guys don’t understand this struggle.  I’ve sucked plenty of cock and I didn’t understand until I tried doing it while wearing a trashy wig.  It’s hard to slob knob like a lady when your constantly pulling hair out of your mouth.  Certainly a gentleman could hold the hair up for you.  But holding a bun in place tethers your cocksucker, inhibiting their ability to perform fellatio with complete freedom.  Next time you’re at the general store, get a pack of 100, keep them in your bedroom next to the bed so you don’t even need to get up to enhance your BJ!
  2. Spare Chargers
    It’s real easy to have a walk of shame when your phone is dead and you need to get home with nothing to do but think about what happened last night and how visible it is on your person.  But if your phone is full of juice, that walk of shame becomes a triumphant posting of selfies about having the “Best night ever!  Still recovering! #YOLO”
    Have a spare MiniUSB charger for any of your android-using partners, and try to have one of the many different iPhone chargers if for whatever reason you want to cater to the Mac crowd.
  3. Non-Latex Condoms
    Missing some accouterments or other may slow down or choke up the flow of love making.  But if you’re partner has a latex allergy, missing safe sex alternatives will bring your night to a screeching, blue-balled halt.  Invest in a a pack of Polyisoprene, polyeurethane, or lambskin condoms just in case.
  4. Lube
    I know Ronda Rousey said “If you need lube, then you’re being lazy”.  But if she was so smart, then Holm wouldn’t have knocked her the fuck out.  While good foreplay is the cheapest lube, there are plenty of reasons to lube up other than “being lazy”!  Some girls aren’t as naturally wet as others.  And I don’t care how much foreplay you do, you always grease up if you’re going to be backdooring someone.  Keep the lube within arms reach.  And if all possible, get a pump action bottle so that you don’t have to fumble getting the lid open/close.  Buy as much as you might end up using in a year.  Though there’s never an expiration date on lube, experts reccomend about a year before disposal, depending on what kind of lube…
  5. A Towel
    After you grease up your pecker and you’re ready to fuck on all cylinders, you don’t want that slippery and sticky hand to go staining your sheets and ruining your partners hair.  Rub it off on a nearby towel!
    You’re girl on the rag?  Don’t let her cycle turn your bed into a scene from Dexter.  Lay a towel down!
    Just shoot the biggest load of all time onto your partner’s tits/ass/face/feet/cat?  Be a gentleman and reach for a nearby towel to clean up your mess.
    There’s a reason that the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy considers this to be “the most massively useful thing“.  Keep a CLEAN towel near the bed for emergencies!
  6. Hitachi Magic Wand
    Considered by many to be the excalibur of sex toys.  That is in no way an overstatement.  I’ve had girls who were prepared to be dissapointed by all the hype be pleasantly surprised before they wiped the drool from their mouths and started eating that crow.

The Kitchen

My mornings are built in my kitchen.  I build my date’s morning in the kitchen too.  These are my construction tools:

  1. Disposable Coffee Cups
    Being a gentleman and fixing coffee/tea for your gal pal first thing in the morning is a great way to make her feel welcome and appreciated.  If you fix her a cup for the road in a disposable cup with a lid, she’ll be feeling them feels even after she leaves.
  2. Easy Breakfasts
    If you’re sending your gal out with a to-go coffee, you might as well send her with a nutri-grain/cliff-bar/pop-tart/other handheld snack.  These are also great if you need to leave before she does.  On your way out, give her a kiss and tell her to help herself!
  3. Chocolate
    I’m tempted to put this under “feminine products”, but I keep this menstrual aid in the kitchen.
  4. Cold Water Bottle
    It doesn’t have to be name-brand bottled water, but a filled nalgene in the fridge is exactly what you’re both going to want after you’re done with a heart-pumping, high-energy fuckspree.

That’s all I can think of with big thanks to the women in my life for adding some of their insights.  Gals, is there anything you wish guys would have at their places?  If so, post them in the comments for all the aspiring bachelors to put on their grocery list!

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