Finding a New Deen

In the wake of the numerous allegations of assault being charged against James Deen, many of us have lost our infatuation the golden boy of modern adult media.  Deen was on track to dethrone Ron Jeremy as the most well-known male actor.  And Jeremy has been doing a lot more than just sitting on that throne for many years now.

For many of us, finding the right porno to watch can be a daunting task.  It’s like the first day of school after you get your meal in the cafeteria, then you need to decide where to sit.  James Deen was like that kid that you knew just well enough that if you ever saw him at a table, you knew that you could sit next to him talking about pokemon cards.  He may not have been in your clique, but he always said hi to you in the hallway and if you ever got partnered up for a group project, he wouldn’t let you down.

But after everything that’s happened, he’s like that kid that you sat next to in a bathroom stall one time and you heard some really awful, guttural noises coming from the other side.  Now every time you see him, all you can do is see what you imagined happening on the other side of that stall.  You see tooth-gritting-fist-clenching deuce dropping.  You may not know exactly what transpired, but what you heard makes you not want to eat around him ever again.

So too goes James Deen.  Regardless of his previous accomplishments for adult media and feminism, I can’t shake the numerous accusations against him and enjoy his work.

And now begins the search for the new male adult star that will take our hearts doggy-style and not make stupid faces when he finishes.  As I consider myself a connoisseur of the art of pornography, I have some recommendations.  So with no further ado, in no particular order, and with tightening pants, I present:

10 Male Actors Who Could
Become Porn’s New Frontman

  1. Derrick Pierce:
    DerrickPierceHe has an outstanding resume with the people at Kink.com as well as playing villains in many XXX superhero spoofs (including playing a very good DP scene).  While he may commonly play a top-heavy dom in kink scenes, he sticks around for aftercare scenes and seems like a real sweetheart.
  2. Christian XXX
    ChristianXXXWhile he originally performed gay porn under the name “Maxxx Diesel”, he has since transitioned to doing straight scenes in addition to his previous work.  In doing this, he is actually standing up for bi/pansexual performers.  There are female performers who have refused to work with him because his is not heterosexual.  He carries it just fine, giving and receiving from many genders, even those identifying as non-binary.
  3. Tommy Pistol
    TommyPistolWhile he’s always been the Dean Koontz to James Deen’s Stephen King, things are changing.  He is poised to eclipse Deen as the non-threatening Joseph Gordon-Levitt of porno.  With his dedication to making nerd porn and his tattoos (the most notable of which being a large Aqua Teen Hunger Force graphic on his side), he’s the new age boy next door.  His look is scruffy and his body is not chiseled.  He looks like the kind of guy that you would have a very stable, functioning sex life with.
  4. Danny D
    DannyDI first encountered Danny D in an adult adaptation of Harry Potter where he played the title character.  The scene was real hot. When he screamed “EXPELLIAMUS!” as he performed his moneyshot at the end, I knew this boy was going somewhere.  If you would like to see a little more of this Englishman’s horcrux, there’s an entire tumblr dedicated to it.  Check it out, I’d definitely call it a death stick (NSFW).  He’s got an unassuming cuteness and an understated look that’s carried powerfully by his neat accent and enormous penis.
  5. Ryan Driller
    01/20/2012 - Ryan Driller - AVN Adult Entertainment Expo - Day 3 - Hard Rock Hotel - Las Vegas, NV, USA - Keywords: Adult Video News Orientation: Portrait Face Count: 1 - False - Photo Credit: Glenn Francis / PR Photos - Contact (1-866-551-7827) - Portrait Face Count: 1Driller has the looks of a standard all-american hunk.  It’s no surprise they’re asking him to play superheroes like Captain America and Superman in their respective adult adaptations.  He carries himself like a real standup guy in all of his interviews to boot!  Talking about the importance of respecting and listening to women.  He even made the adult adaptation of 50 Shades of Grey watchable!
  6. Levi Cash
    LeviCashHe’s a dopplebanger for Breckin Meyer, so if you’ve ever wanted to live out that fantasy where you have sex with the underdog of some comedy set in a college campus, look no further.  Driving that point home, he’s even appeared in adult adaptations of films like Weird Science.  He’s the kind of guy that you root for while you’re watching him bang.

 

 

 

7.  Xander Corvus
Kinkster, cosplayer, and punk musician with a voice like Tom Waits.  He’s a little grungier than the everyman people might expect to be the figurehead for adult entertainment.  But if you look past the patchy beard and the snakebite lip piercings, he’s got some solid ideas about the adult industry that might make him perfectly suited for the visibility.
8.  Logan Pierce

LoganPierce

A filmmaker first, culturalist second and incidentally a pornographer.  While he’s certainly got a sexual soul, it’s clear that he’s not the sexual deviant who typically signs up for a porno.  He’s got a real sweet way about him when I watch where I can tell he and his partner are having a really great time.  As a figurehead for pornography, I think he would certainly be more palatable than the some of the more deviant options.

9.  Tee Reel
TeeReelThere’s all this talk about making the next Doctor Who or the next James Bond a person of color.  If we’re ready to see a staple of nerd culture or a staple of action cinema go there, we really do need to step up our porno game.  In addition to facilitating any fantasies you may have had about having sex with the Old Spice Guy, he’s also a solid role model for aspiring adult entertainers everywhere.  After getting his degree in film, he worked on making music videos before he pushed to produce, direct, and star in his own adult films.

10.  Seth Gamble

SethGambleHe’s one of the few male performers that has rhythm when he needs to dance in musical scenes of adult films.  Which is a throwback to his time as an exotic dancer.  Probably why he was one of the leads in the adult adaptation of Magic Mike.  By his own admission, it was tough for him to sign up for adult media, because he doesn’t think he could be on the Disney channel afterwards.  But realistically, he could have been the kind of kid that you grew up watching on Even Stevens.

 

Those are my picks.  Just like not everyone knows about what’s transpired with James Deen, I may not know about some seedy underbelly of these performers.  So if you know anything that would disqualify any of these guys from being a good representative, post it in the comments!  If there’s anybody I missed that you think should be on this list, post them too!

Deen has some big shoes to fill, but these fellas are good at filling all sorts of spaces.

What’d the Five Fingers Say to the Face?

Something scary happened in my bed one time.

Now, I fancy myself to be a little experienced in the bedroom.  But I’m still in my 20s.  All my ‘experiences’ are just the tip of what a real adult sex life looks like.

Me and my gal went out for the night.  We hit up a coffee shop, caught a movie, slipped in for the tail end of a party, drank Sangria and laughed hard until we started weeping fruity, crimson tears; then we turned in.

We crawled into bed and started getting frisky.  I touched her up and down.  We smooched and squeezed and spanked.  She is a foreplay junky, and it only gets worse when she’s drinking, so we were drunkenly fondling and tonguing each other for the better part of an hour.  After this spell, I stuff a hard dick into her and we go to Pound Town.

Pound Town is a wild country with this gal.  She is a bit of a tomboy.  She plays softball, fucks girls, and has a wrestling fetish.  She can be a real lady too.  She likes dresses and makeup and the Gilmore Girls.  Though lets her fuzzy navel grow freely.  She’s proud of that.  Sex with this gal is an interesting combo of wiles, both feminine and masculine.

Now, I get scared in the bedroom.  All the time.  For all sorts of different reasons.  I get scared that my partner won’t find me attractive.  I get scared that I won’t be able to get it up.  I get scared that I won’t be rough enough.  I get scared that I’ll be too rough.

I get scared that I am too rough.  But as a top-heavy kinkster, I’ve never really been scared of my partner being too rough.  But I had a very real experience with this girl when she unannouncedly slapped me in the face mid coitus.  Hard.

She slapped the shit out of me.

There were a number of different feelings this provoked in me.  I was startled.  I was angry.  And I was scared on a whole series of levels.  I was scared for my safety because she engaged in a direct mechanical strike without negotiating that level of physicality with me.  I was scared I made a very inaccurate judgement of my partner’s dedication to my safety.  And I was scared of the anger I felt.  I slapped her back.

I slapped the shit out of her.

After I did that, I told her we needed to stop.  The emotions that were running hot in my horny lizard brain were something that needed to be checked immediately.  I pulled out and threw in the towel like somebody just showed me a picture of Gary Busey.  She was polite enough to offer me a session of gentle cuddles and relaxed conversation.

Laying there, all flustered and frantic, I asked what provoked her to do that.  She said she had no idea.  She told me that she was just overcome with an intense urge to slap me stupid and it happened virtually without a thought.  I wasn’t going to judge her too harshly, though.  I’ve certainly pulled a spur-of-the-moment move that wasn’t received as well as I had predicted.  So I wrote it off as just one of those things you do and she acknowledged my hesitations as legitimate and it was never a problem ever again.

It was never a problem with her, at least.

A year later, I’m with a different young lady.  She has different proclivities, different styles, and has never met the lady from the previous anecdote.  But still, despite complete separation from my previous experience, this girl behaved in a very similar fashion.  We were getting hot and heavy like two frottage-wild teenagers.  After we started splicing sex organs, she looked up at me with this face that I’ve only seen Jack Nicholson make.  Sure enough, without warning, she reeled back with her strong hand and slapped me right across the face.

She slapped the shit out of me.

This wasn’t my first rodeo, though.  So I kept my cool and just held her arms down and fucked her crooked like a calm and collected young man.  It wasn’t as startling as the first time, but it still wasn’t real pleasant.  Not so unpleasant I had to stop, though.

After we had wrapped things up and she was cleaning the Hitachi and I was putting away the N64 Rumble-Pack, we cuddled up and I had to inquire.

Why do that thing that you done?

She said something similar to the last explanation I had received.  She wasn’t entirely sure.  But in the heat of the moment, cracking me across the kisser like she was a pimp named Slickback seemed a totally logical decision.  We had a few words, and just resolved to ask before exchanging that kind of intimacy in the future.

The third time I was with a gal who suddenly slapped me in the face during sex, I just said “please don’t do that” and carried on.

And yes, she slapped the shit out of me.

I could dismiss an isolated incident with this kind of behavior.  But three independent, non-consecutive occurrences has led me to believe that this might be something worth exploring more comprehensively.  This experience has led me to some new ideas about the realms of sexuality.  Firstly, nobody falls 100% on either side of the dom/sub spectrum. This is also a fine reason to remind people about the importance of prior consent in the bedroom.

Just like gender, sexuality, or any other conventionally accepted false dichotomy; there is a wide spectrum of potential standings for how dominant or submissive somebody is in the bedroom.  I’ve seen diehard subs who would lick strange things off stranger places and like it just because they were being told.  I’ve seen these same subs be absolutely enamored with the idea of their dom being tied up before being serviced.  Similarly, I’ve seen plenty of domineering, heavy-handed doms start to swoon when somebody mentions pulling their hair.

The point is that nobody falls completely on either end of the spectrum.  There is no factory-standard set of sexual preferences.  And it’s dangerous to assume.  I’ve had partners in the past forge ahead without asking based on their previous successes and I have been very startled at some of these attempts.  You should ask before trying something new with a partner, ideally.  You should definitely ask if your partner will need to look it up before they agree.

We need to explore these different aspects of our own preferences.

We need to explore the shit out of them.

On Receiving Rejection

In the dating game, I wish people could be put in the penalty box for unsportsmanlike conduct.  One of the most common and heinous acts of unsportsmanlike conduct I’ve seen is the inability to take a refusal with a little grace.  Maybe I just get rejected so much that I think it’s a necessity.  But unless you’re deluded enough to think you’re always going to be “winning“, there will be times when you’re not winning.

I use the phrase “not winning” instead of “losing” for a number of reasons.  Firstly, everyone in the dating game is a winner as long as you’re being respectful and polite.  I also dislike the idea of rejection as losing because it implies that the goals of being courtly are solely romantic conquest.  It also implies that if you’re a “loser”, you have nothing left the lose.

Plenty of hopefuls have felt slighted by a “no” and have done some silly-ass shit in response.  I did when I was young and rambuncious and couldn’t comprehend the idea that someone wouldn’t be interested in a lothario like myself.  So I made a total ass of myself and tried to make them feel as bad for rejecting me as I felt for being rejected.  It wasn’t thoughtful.  It wasn’t constructive.  And it ruined any chance I might have had.

Plenty of people don’t understand that a “no” might very well become a “yes” if you’re patient and respectful.  That being said, I’ve come a long way from my r/seduction-reading, fireball-guzzling youth.  Sure, it would be nifty if being understanding of a rejection awakened someone’s need to be with an empathetic partner and they change their mind immediately after hearing a graceful acceptance of refusal.  Primarily though, doing this enriches a shame free dating culture.  Which is a dramatically more noble calling then constantly cruising for ass.

Respond well and you could be accepted later.

Respond well and you might make a new friend.

Most importantly though, respond well to help foster a culture where people aren’t afraid to say “no”.

So many people are practically incapable of saying “no”.  This is partly because a huge population  (esp. women) is groomed from a tender age to not say it.  This is also because the few who have mustered a refusal are very often met with backlash in the form of dismissal, insults, even threats.  Because of this, and the proliferation of literature about “winning”, I thought it would be valuable to offer my experience with keeping a sense of style when you’re not winning.  I have a lot of experience…

Handling your rejection can be done with contextual candor, depending on the circumstances:

  1. On Teh Internets
    I message so many people, I inevitably receive replies explaining that I am too old/young/male/short/Irish.  If they put the effort into writing me a refusal, I’m obligated as a gentleman to write an understanding acceptance of it.  By far, the most common refusal I get is when I ask people if polyamory is a dealbreaker:
    BPResponse
    Firstly, I gotta assure them that there’s nothing wrong with having preferences that don’t fit me.  Just like there are plenty of people I don’t want to date, I want to acknowledge my respect of their right to not want to date me.  Next, I make sure to thank them for taking the time to write a reply.  They could have not read my messages, or pretended not to have read it, or read it and wrote a disgruntled reply full of pointed comments about my bushy eyebrows.  But they didn’t.  They spent time providing me a conclusive communique.  I better recognize.  Finally, I put the ball in their court.  In any courtship, it falls on the suitor to initiate contact.  My last move is to offer that responsibility to them.
    While it may not have a great turnover rate (28.7%).  It does have a better turnover rate than offering a shitty response to their refusal (0%).  If someone offers a response, even a rejection, they have opened a communication that is civil.  You could walk away with a new friend at the very least.
  2. IRL
    You might meet someone at the party, or on the train, or at the anime fitness convention and feel a spark.  You might finally try to manifest those feelings you’ve been sitting on to ask out someone close to you in an effort to break out of the friend-zone.  Or you might just ask someone out who’s not as into you as you are into them and your date proposal is met unreciprocatedly.  The best course of action to just move along like it never happened.
    Will it make things awkward between the two of you?  Not really.
    The only difference between two peoples’ interactions after a date request is unrequited is that a future romantic engagement is significantly less likely.  If your friendship or civility with someone hinges so heavily on a potential date, you may not actually be that good of a friend.  If the answer is “no”, FIDO.
  3. Unfinished Symphony
    Just because somebody said “yes” to a date, doesn’t mean you have standing consent for the rest of the encounter.  With regular and consistent communication, you may very well find out that your date may not be interested in taking a step you’re gearing towards.  If they agreed to hold your hand, they may not want to kiss.  If they agreed to give you a kiss, they may not wanna bang.  If they agreed to go to bed with you, they may not have the kind of sex you want to have.
    When you’re taking intimacy somewhere new, your partner might say something like “I think we’re moving too fast”, or “I don’t know if I want to do that”, or “Let’s get back to the table before our waiter thinks we left”.
    All these things mean “no”, which also means no.  So ease back and keep your hands to yourself for a spell.  This might mean keep them to yourself for the rest of the night, this might mean keeping them to yourself until your partner is ready to get back to pound-town.  Ultimately, it means they’re calling the shots for a minute.  Don’t feel tempted to test how far they’re willing to go by letting your hands wander until they’re met with another refusal.  Don’t feel tempted to try and barter some hanky panky with offers like “Could you gimme a BJ instead?” or “Just the tip?.  You’ve established that you want to go farther than they do.  So let them decide how far y’all are going because they know you’re game.  Say something to the effect of “What would you be comfortable doing instead?”  If they are too frazzled to make a decision about where intimacy is going, you’re probably done for the night.
    It’s a bummer, but it happens.
    If anything, just ask them if you can hold them and then try and conk out for the night.  If you have a stone-hard-life-threatening boner that you really have to do something about, just go crank one out in the bathroom.  I encourage people to say nothing about giving yourself a quick treat in private.  If you ask/tell your partner about what you’re going to do, that’s kind of pressuring them to ‘satisfy’ you.  At the same time, trying to sleep with blue balls is sometimes like trying to sleep with your socks on.  I can’t do it.  So if you’ve been building up all night but release got denied, in the most discreet way possible, hit up the john for the old crap’n’fap.
  4. Hitting Hard Limits
    Similar to the unfinished symphony, if you’re asking an existing partner for something new, they may not be as interested as you are.  Make sure you discuss taking these steps together while your clothes are still on to give your partner time to come to an informed decision about what route to take with this knew desire they know about you.  This could be an opportunity to explore something new together, or this could be a wedge that gets driven into the relationship.  The most common limit that people hit refusal for is anal.  Because it’s placed on this pedestal as a sexual holy grail, and because it’s real tough to do; lots of relationships hit this bump.  But it’s true of virtually any snag of intimacy due to hesitations, not just buttsex.  This could happen if you’re asking your partner for a sexy roleplay, or if you’re asking your partner for a threeway, or to draw stairs on an etch-a-sketch while pegging him.  If the answer is no, you’ve got some options:

    1. FIDO
      Continue the relationship without getting this thing you want.  Ever.
      San Savage calls this the “Price of Admission“.  Ask yourself if this person means enough to you that you are willing to carry on without getting this particular intimacy that you desire.  Hopefully, they’re worth it.  Your desire may fade, or it may fester and mold out into stewing enmity between you and your partner.
    2. Pass the Pace
      Accept the no.  If you respect it, it could very well become a yes later on.  A tentative yes could become their favorite activity with you, or it might become a special treat they give you on birthday and Hanukkah.  But the only way it’ll become anything is if you’re respectful and don’t push too hard.  Take it at their pace, or just slow as a glacial pace; whichever is slower.
    3. Non-Monogamy
      Outsource your desires.  If your partner doesn’t want to get pegged, but you absolutely have to; if the two of you are comfortable with it, branch out.  Hit up Craigslist or AdultFriendFinder for something casual.  Adopt a lifestyle of polyamory if you’re considering something more invested.
    4. Cut Bait
      If you’re not willing to pay the price of admission, but want to remain monogamous, I strongly encourage ending the relationship.  As I mentioned before, desire may become frustration which may become enmity.  By the time you hit enmity, you might be so deeply entwined that you just resolve yourself to being permanently romantically affixed to someone who cannot satisfy you.

If there was a penalty box for the dating world, it would be filled with people who didn’t realize they were doing anything wrong.  We’re still getting used to this whole asking thing, so of course there’s going to be some hiccups in the realm of getting a refusal.  But consent culture won’t be built over night.

Have you ever refused someone and gotten a good response accepting your refusal?  If so, what was it?
How do you handle refusals?  If you never get them, what’s your secret?  Please post in the comments below!  If you refuse to post in the comments, I respect that decision.

Swing Your Partner Round and Round

notactuallythat_LargeI’m such a good wingman.  If my bros don’t hook up by night’s end, I’ll bang them myself.  While my friends may not always take me up on that offer, my partners often do.  I play matchmaker for my partners if they like.  And I like it too.  I think doing so reinforces the structure of my polyamorous relationships.

Polyamory takes more than just tolerance of your partner having other liasons.  Polyamory is about appreciating the other connections your partner is building.  I like to take it the step further and enable those connections when I can.  There is value in helping your partner find other partners.

Outside of the fact that I want my partner to have someone good to them, it’s great having a metamour who’s good to me.  Especially for those of us who are still feeling out polyamory, having a more personal stake in your partner’s romantic decisions can help ease folks away from conventional dating.  And dating is work, but one of the nice things about polyamory is that you get to share the load.

One of my favorite ways to spend a night in with a partner is to sit around drinking wine and reviewing each others’ potential dates.  We’ll go through a few rounds of swiping left and right where we giggle and tease like the immature bisexuals we’re too old to be anymore.  From there, we get the chance to scoop through who each of us is talking to.  This gives us an opportunity to air our excitements and also our hesitations.  So if I see someone who lists an interest in motorcycles, then my partner can get a date and I might get a new riding buddy!  Similarly, I might see someone I know that I would not like to become metamours with and let my partner know about that right away.

I’ve always been of the mind that metamour relations are one of the truest determining factors in the success of any polyamorous engagement.  While your partner might have a decent idea of the kind of metamour you would like to have, you know better than they do.  So just like mixing cocktails or performing oral sex, it’s worthwhile to let your partner know what you like.

Awareness of your partner(s)’ romantic preferences is integral in polyamorous dating.  This is one of the harder parts for people to adopt when they are just getting started with nonmonogamy.  Plenty of couples just decide to date people together.  Most commonly, this is a straight couple who start looking for a bisexual woman to be their third.  While this practice is met with grand disapproval from many polyamorists, branching out of monogamy together is a fine idea.  I just strongly encourage people to ease back on how together you are when you’re branching out.

When I was first breaking into this whole polyamory thing, I found it much easier to have metamours that I helped to arrange.  It was very beneficial for all the emotions that came along with my partner having other partners.  When I would hear about the hard times my partner had with a metamour I had a hand in arranging, I wasn’t so quick to dismiss their quality as a partner.  When my partner is out with some yahoo she met on OkC named “4ngry1nches” and she tells me that the dates are anything but a pristine joy, there’s a real good chance I’ll encourage her to cut bait.  But if she tells me that she’s having a hard time communicating with the cute programmer that I encouraged her to swipe right, I’ll give her some stratagems to keep his attention.  After all, I’m practically responsible for that.

Opposite bad dates, when my partner is gushing about their newest fling with the most impossibly handsome, charming, wealthy adonis of a man; I may start to feel a bit insecure.  I might feel insubstantial, jealous, even threatened.  However, if I helped my partner arrange this date, my ego will take over and I’ll be flushed with pride.  It’s like when you give someone advice on what to get their spouse for their anniversary, and they get the perfect gift.  You don’t get to give or receive the booty, but you can still relish knowing you’re responsible for the assist.

Assistance is key, by the way.  Dating yields good results when it’s fed good labor.  The best way to get good labor, is sometimes to just get a little more labor.  Many hands make work light, so cruise around OkCupid or Tinder with your partner together.  Help your partner write a good Boiler Plate message that they can send to profiles they really like.  The two of you can even just sit down over dinner and talk about some people the two of you might know who would be worth asking out.  One of you two could even play messenger.

I’ve never asked anybody out on behalf of my partner before, but I have been asked out by a lady’s boyfriend in the past.  In no way did it cheapen or invalidate the proposal.  I actually found myself cozied with an extra sense of security.  I could immediately bypass the worries that this was old-school polyamory noncensensual nonmonogamy.  And I was flattered to be considered such a solid choice that her man made the approach.  As long as you have your partner’s consent, you can certainly take the initiative if they’re too shy.

You can’t date half a couple.  Similarly, you can’t date a full couple.  That sweet spot in between is where polyamorous dating can flourish.  Finding partners outside a polyamorous relationship has so many dimensions because there are relationships being created between all involved parties.  Every relationship that’s created, be it romantic, social, or at least just civil; is independent and unique and worth care and consideration.

What works for you, though?  Have you ever helped a partner get a date?  Have you ever been assisted? What works with that?  What hasn’t worked?  Be a wingman for my blog and post in the comments!

The Ho Phase

Ostensibly speaking, I can be a ho-fo-sho.

While I’m a self-identified slut with no interest in conventional ‘reform’, many other people have bouts of time in their life where they were a little (or a lot) less conservative with their sexual and/or romantic decisions.

This time is commonly referred to as “The Ho Phase”

Some people never had a Ho Phase.  Some people lie and say they never had a Ho Phase.  Some people have one to ‘get it out of their system’ while others have several Ho Phases interspersed throughout their life.  And then there are career sluts like myself who just have interspersed Non-Ho-Phases.

There is an unnecessary stigma attached to the Ho Phase, though.  This stigma rebuffs the curious and shames the practitioners.  But just like watching Digimon or bare-bottom-spanking, I encourage everyone who’s curious about it to try without a sense of shame.  If you’re reading this and you’ve never had a Ho Phase, I implore you to consider a trial.  There are many unsung benefits to Ho Phasing:

  1. Relativity
    A Ho Phase gives you a broader spectrum of lovers to gauge the quality of future partners.  You may have felt blessed when you first had someone perform oral sex on you.  I know I did.  A Ho Phase might show you how many people are willing (and skilled) at some of the things you like.  Similarly, a Ho Phase will help you appreciate the affections you’re having because they’re better than you’ve had.  A Ho Phase really tempers a person’s ability to decide when things could be better and when things could be worse.
  2. Know Thyself
    Just like you get to see what other people are capable of, a Ho Phase can tell you what you’re capable of.  If there’s something you’ve always been curious about trying, one in a series of casual partners can be very forgiving of experimentation foibles.  So if you’re a dom who’s always wanted to explore his subby side, your Ho Phase can double as a trial phase.  A Ho Phase gives you a more complete understanding of your sexual appetite.  It helps you develop a sense of what you want sexually.  This is important because people who don’t know what they want end up with a lot they do not want.

The Ho Phase is so popular, I’m certain many of you reading this have already had a Ho Phase.  You might be right in the middle of one.  You might be on that sweet precipice immediately before or just after being neck-deep in the waters of the Hocean.  Sweet though the waters are, exploring them safely is more important than exploring them completely.  Just like skydiving or analingus, some simple precautions can make this adventure awesome instead of awful.  I recommend you offer yourself the following protections:

  1. Protect Your Body
    Carry at least two condoms with you everywhere.
    Going to the club?  Bring two condoms.
    Going to the wedding reception?  Bring two condoms.
    Going on a three-hour-tour?  Bring two condoms.
    While monogamy is a vaguely safe avenue for unprotected sex, the inherent non-monogamy of the Ho Phase is not conducive to bare-backing.  If you don’t like using condoms, you probably won’t like your Ho Phase.  Unprotected enthusiasts usually end their Ho Phase after they get disappointed with safe sex.
    …or they get chlamydia.
    That’s part of the reason many Ho Phases are limited engagements.  Though even if you protect yourself for the duration of your Ho Phase, it’s probably a good idea to get tested when you think you’re done.  If you’ve got plans for a long-term Ho Phase, plan some regular testing with your doctor or find your local free clinic.
  2. Protect Your Heart
    I don’t believe in relationships that are ‘just sex’.  I believe people can try to make an encounter as solely about sex as possible, but I’ve never seen anybody reach 100%.  There’s always an emotional exchange, even if that emotion is just playful cheer.  That being said, your Ho Phase might provoke some romantic aspirations that you’re not ready to reciprocate.  Hopefully, any partner(s) you have during this phase are aware of the casual goals that you have set for yourself.  In a similar vein, your Ho Phase might stir some feelings in you that might not be reciprocated.  Ho Phasing individuals often find each other.  If the two (or three) of you start building something casual that works, complications can arise when someone wants to bring a relationship out of the Ho Phase that was forged therein.
  3. Protect Your Circles
    Be wary of being a Homie Hopper.  This goes for guys, girls, and everything in between and around.  After you’ve made the rounds with everybody that’s most conveniently suited to your present desires, you might start to feel alienated.  This is partly due to the overwhelming slutshaming that exists in conventional social circles, but you also might end up unintentionally hurting people.  Everyone in your personal circle might commiserate and bond over all feeling a little used or unimportant.
    One of the many benefits of having a Ho Phase is that you get to explore something new!  Don’t waste your wanderlust on what’s familiar.  Try online dating, join a swinger club, have a tryst at a bar with someone(s) you just met.  There is no shortage of potential spaces to indulge your personal liberation.
  4. Protect Your Egress
    When I talk to people about their Ho Phases, many say the hardest part was ending their Ho Phase.  While my solution of not ending it works for me, other people may have solid aspirations of concluding it.  While all of the previously mentioned protections will also help you smoothly transition out of this time in your life, there is an essential to exiting the Ho Phase.  You have to make sure you’re done.
    I’ve seen plenty of people who have split from their steady, long-term partner and had a bout of promiscuity before returning back to the love they know.  A good portion of these supplicants end up being unfaithful to their partner after they return.
    I don’t believe they do it because they’re not satisfied by their existing partner.  They do it because they left something in the Ho Phase.  Maybe there is a person, act, locale or other remnant of their Ho Phase that remains unfinished.  It’s hard to make a clean break when you are still tied to that.  Those ties may never be cut.  In which case, you may want to consider some long-term accommodations for your new proclivities.

All the above are helpful for a bout of less cautioned exploration of intimacy.  But what if your Ho Phase is more than just a phase?  Making a lifestyle out of the phase is certainly possible, but it takes some tactful reconsideration of your place in conventional romance.

Firstly, don’t be ashamed of your Ho Phase.  You got the chance to have some really exciting times.  You might have made some really meaningful connections.  More than anything though, you learned about yourself.  Don’t let the petty fuckers who came up with the name “Ho Phase” tell you anything about what you can be for anybody else after it.  That chapter in your life has given you what I find to be the most valuable product a partner can have: a story.

I find stories more valuable in a partner than a whole lot.  More than a car, a college education, or an antiquated idea of ‘purity’.  People who are proud of their Ho Phase have got great anecdotes about some stuff they’ve seen that worked brilliantly.  They’ve got harrowing stories about stuff that just did not.  And owning your sexual growth is a huge step towards building a world with less shame attached to intimacy.

If you want to make a lifelong adventure out of your Ho Phase, there are ways to make that work too:

  1. Polyamory
    Don’t be a ho.  Graduate to a slut.  An ethical slut.  Check out some literature about polyamory to learn more!
  2. Swinging
    If you want monogamy, but aren’t ready to give up the chance to bang around, consider joining your local swinger community.  Swingers are also a fun community to meet people who might be able to empathize with your long-game Ho Phase.
  3. Monogamish
    This is practically a monogamous relationship.  Practically.
    One or both of the partners understands the playful, fun nature of the Ho Phase to allow occasional vacations back to it.  Limited engagements like the “Hall Pass”, where you have a set amount of time to be non-monogamous are common.

Have you ever had a Ho Phase?  How did it work for you?  Please post your advice for those curious about or recovering from theirs!

Running a Train on Time

I never gangbanged a lady proper before.  Sure, I’ve had a Devil’s Threeway.  My bros and I have ganged up on a lady at a sex party.  I wrote up rules for a gangbang that never ended up happening one time.  But I was recently able to host my first ever gangbang!  With the blessing of the lucky lady and two other guys, I can finally deliver a solid account of my experience.

Firstly, let me establish my personal qualifiers for a conventional heterosexual gangbang:
1.  No more than one lady
2.  No less than three gentlemen

The lady in question and I had been planning this for months.  Late night pillow chat began our plotting.  It started out as dirty talking, evolved into fanciful imagining, and she finally just sent out invitations.  Time from first mention to moneyshot: 2.5 months.

The first thing we started talking about was who would be attending the event.  Not all of her partners were sent invitations.  When you have multiple partners, they usually occupy different spaces in your life.  Just like you may want a partner or two that you are submissive to instead of dominant, you may want some partners to not be passengers on the man-train.  Similarly, not all of the invited parties accepted.  It’s also totally legit to be uncomfortable riding the aforementioned train.

The final roster was our lady, ethical slut extraordinaire.  There was gent that she and I knew who has always been active in the poly community and we’d shared sex parties with him in the past; he was a large, muscular fellow who was just always had solutions.  It was like inviting Groot to a sex party.  Our third was her partner she had been seeing for some months, who asked that I only refer to him as “The Puerto Rican”.

After the lineup was confirmed, we started talking limits.  For this lady, there were very little.  But it’s always good to have some, just so that people know there is a ceiling on the train.  Some people, in the heat of the moment, will try some silly-ass-shit to a partner who claims to have no limits.  All the guys got to post their limits too!

It was to my pleasant surprise that my co-bangers didn’t identify as completely straight.  But outside of that, the guys didn’t have a lot of pregaming they needed to establish.  After all that was done, it was time for the hardest part about a gangbang: scheduling.

The biggest delay in orchestrating this whole affair was finding an evening where the four of us would be free for a few hours into the night and we wouldn’t be too tired from the day of, nor pressed with work the day after.  I’ve heard good things about using Doodle if you’re planning on hosting a gangbang in the near future.  Time from first invitation to moneyshot: 23 days.

I got the chance to talk with our lady about more than just her limits.  I wanted to talk to her about her requests.  I was already planning a grand scheme, but I always like to cater an intimate encounter.  She was very candid, which I really appreciated:

  1. First Ever DP
    I’d been training her for anal sex these past few months and she wanted to try her hand at getting both holes filled.  I told her I would be glad to oblige her if she thought she was ready.
  2. Bukkake
    She wanted all of us to finish on her face.  She wanted to leave the party looking like a Pollock painting.
  3. Photos
    She wanted something sweet to remember the evening.  Photos would be taken without any faces, though.  Everyone consented.
  4. Guy-on-Guy
    She revealed that part of the reason we were all chosen was because she knows that none of us are completely heterosexual and she knows that we all find each other cute.  She was hoping she would get to watch and live out her yaoi-fangirl-slashfic-fantasies.  She still wanted to be the center of attention, though.  She just wanted a little affection between the fellas.

After all that was secured, we had a launch date. Time from announced date to moneyshot: 14 Days.

We thought about having the four of us meet at a bar beforehand, but decided it was unnecessary.  My work schedule is too erratic and other obligations kept everyone from meeting up any earlier than eight o’clock.  Our lady and the Puerto Rican arrived first, they rushed over here and picked up food on the way.  While they ate at my dining room table, I made small talk and made an extremely visible task of moving my arsenal of sex toys from the bedroom to the living room.  I could see her eyeing up the steel and leather as it found its way out of my bedroom.  She later revealed this was one of the most torturous parts of the evening.

While we were waiting for our third guy to arrive, the Puerto Rican and I opened some champagne and he helped me move my weight bench into the center of the living room.  There we sat, the three of us, drinking and making small talk.  Next to us was table spread of plugs, crops, straps, rope, and equestrian equipment.  She later revealed the spread was one of the more exciting parts of the evening.

Groot, our third guy, showed up a little late.  So once he arrived, we started stripping her down.  Time from complete attendance to moneyshot: 3 Hours 21 Minutes

We stripped her bare and laid her out on the weight bench.  We strapped her down and had some casual caresses and spanks before I made her an offer.  I explained to the other guys that she had requested being able to see the three of us being a little physical with each other.  I explained to her that if I was able to stick a plug in her ass, there would be some totally hot guy-on-guy action.  Naturally, she thought this was a fair trade.

Girl took the plug like a champ.  It was time for us to hold up our end of the bargain.  Before that though, I put a velvet bag over her head so that she couldn’t see what was going on.  All she could do was hear the noises of the pure love that exists between men.  This was my first ever gay-fueled cuckqueaning and she said it was delightful.  Eventually, she started begging us to take the hood off.  I offered her a second deal.  If I took out the plug and replaced it with a dramatically larger plug, I would take off the hood.  There was some hesitation, but she agreed.

Girl took this plug like a champ..if this champ had a Pringles can in their ass.  I stripped the hood off of her and she watched the carousing between the other two guys.  I joined in and we gave her a decent PG-13 show.  I figured her neck would get tired looking up at us, so we stopped hovering over and giggling like a gay Statler and Waldorf.  We all took turns slapping her ass around with every implement in the arsenal.  Finally, I brought out my most dangerous sex toy: my box of dice for playing Dungeons and Dragons.

Rolls for roles, the d6 determined that the Puerto Rican would help himself to eating up her snatch, Groot would fuck her mouth open, and I would use some tools teasing her midsection.  When she had melted all the ice cubes and was an overstimulated mess, we unstrapped her and cast her onto her knees.  She knew just what to do and began voraciously stroking and mouthing the men’s anatomy around her.  In multiple person encounters, I find it can be very playful to engage in some novelty behaviors that simply highlight the peculiarity of the encounter.  In accordance with that, I called for the guys to join me in an activity.

It can be easy to get caught up in a sex party and forget exactly how special it is.  But nothing reminds a lady of how lucky she really is until she has three guys dickslapping her in the face with their turgid penises.  With the three of us drumming her face with our boners, it was like being in the college Marimba group again!

I escaped the drum circle for a spell to put some porno on the big screen.  While porno during sex parties can be distracting, sometimes a distraction can be a good thing.  Most guys are not trained to sustain an erection around other men, but plenty of guys have trained themselves to sustain an erection when there’s porn on.  I have a healthy stock of PMVs (Porn Music Videos), which are a crafted montage of scenes from adult films.  I muted the videos and put them on to be distracting, but not too distracting.  They were white noise for our boners.

Maybe it was inspiration from the videos, or just an irrepressible urge, but we had her on all fours taking turns getting fucked open in minutes.  Time from first penetration to moneyshot: 2 hours 13 minutes.

Tom Robbins refers to penetration in a sex party as “the great showstopper”.  While I agreed with him in my early experience; as I’ve become a more seasoned group sex practitioner, I’ve found that to be less and less true.  I understand the temptation to fall prey to the classical escalator of physical intimacy, in which penetration is the saturday night to climaxing’s Sunday morning.  But penetration as a showstopper is especially untrue at a sex party.

While encounters with two or even three people can progress from start to finish without interruption, an encounter with four or more people is often too exhausting to not take a break.  Pleasing one person should can take a lot out of you.  Pleasing three or more can be like playing soccer.  It’s alright to call a time out a few times to break up the action.

For our lot; we flipped her over, around, and used up all of her holes.  But we did this in spurts.  Our shenanigans would occasionally pause and we would have some water or refresh our cocktails.  We would pause and I would go wash that giant butt plug that I forgot I put there two hours ago.  We would pause and put on silly ass costumes.

That last part wasn’t a joke.

She wanted photos.  The guys wanted anonymity.  I keep a healthy stock of theater supplies, so I got to play dress up with everyone!  Thanks to my brilliant wardrobing abilities, there are now photos of a girl in a Sailor Mercury wig getting spitroasted by Captain America and a Luchedore wrestler while she jerks off the Phantom of the Opera.  This was my favorite part.

After we were done with the novelty sex, we resolved that it was time to get serious.  It was business time; three hole business time.  I figured I would take the back door because I’d been training her to get DP’d with me bringing up the rear.  But the Puerto Rican unexpectedly made a request to fill that hole role.  I was hesitant, I’d never been The Anchor in a DP before!

Let me clarify.  In the Statue-of-Liberty position(NSFW) for DPing, the guy on the bottom is called “The Anchor”.  Because it involves less friction in a significantly less sensitive hole, the guy with the bigger cock is usually the Anchor.  Ergo, I’ve never been the Anchor…

I was a little scared.  But I’d hate to think I spent all that time training her ass to not have someone else fuck it.  Not sharing that ass would be downright un-American!  So with a patriotic tear in my boner, I laid back and got mounted.  She rode me while the Puerto Rican sodomized her.  While getting double-stuffed, Groot came and stuck his cock in her mouth.  Time from Air Tight to moneyshot: 42 minutes.

Being the Anchor was alright.  Anchoring versus sodomizing a gal via DP is a similar parallel to being mounted versus dogging a partner one-on-one.  It was lovely, just not in the ravenous, controlling way I’m used to liking that kind of sex.  I liked feeling his cock rub against mine inside of her.  It was like our dicks were high-fiving for having accomplished her first ever DP.  The muffled moans she vented out of her filled mouth really actualized the whole air-tight experience.  It was something real special.

That being said, it did get a little uncomfortable when the Puerto Rican’s testicles kept percussively slapping against my own.  I was curious if he felt it too or if that’s something you only notice when you’re the anchor.  I wondered if I had been doing this to anchoring guys for years, or if the Puerto Rican just had a distended, pendulous nut sack.

I stopped anchoring before reaching conclusive results.

We took turns with her, exchanging positions.  Penetration may not be a showstopper.  Ass play sure as hell can be, though.  She eventually told us she wanted us to finish on her face.  I explained that I had been holding it in since we started.  I don’t think she believed me, because she said there would be a prize for whoever finished on her face first.  Time from challenge accepted to moneyshot: 38 seconds.

Confessions of a Recovering Adjacent-Rapist

It’s pure luck that I’ve never woke up next to someone I recently assaulted.  There were times I didn’t know a party was consenting until I reached down and felt how excited they were.

I had some great times before I made getting consent a priority.  A platonic spooning party with a friend could turn into a forbidden tryst in the middle of the night.  I could meet someone on the dancefloor and accept their afterparty invitation without knowing their sobriety.  I could let kisses turn to touches turn to wet fingers and clenched teeth and the only sound either of us muttered were moans.

But I was stupid and should have known better.  In my head, I was reading consent in all sorts of places.  But I was also young enough to believe all sorts of bad shit was a good idea.  Whether or not I was committing rape-adjacent sex wouldn’t be confirmed until the pillow talk.  I was getting Schrodinger’s consent.  And I’m a lucky guy that I guessed right all those times.

Now that I’m more grown up, I have distinctly higher developed ideas about consent.  At the time though, I would have defended my behavior fiercely.  I wasn’t driven to committing these acts by any classical rape motives.  I committed these acts because I wasn’t raised not to.  I committed these acts because nobody ever told me it was wrong.

These days, I’m friends with enough staunch feminists that requesting consent is implicit in lovemaking.  For plenty of people, asking for consent does not impede the chemistry of an encounter.  They will glaze over it as part of the process, like queefing.  For some people though, the idea of asking for verbal consent is as destructive to an intimate encounter as whiskey-dick or seeing a picture of Janet Reno.

Some people view the push for verbal consent as an unnecessary version of a sex contract that ruins the intimacy of an encounter; it kills the mood.  Some guys think it somehow undermines the classical male sexual fantasy they are trying to embody.  Some girls don’t do it because social conditioning.  Ladies are more than just groomed to not say “no” when they don’t want something.  Plenty of women are never groomed to say “yes” when they do.

Speaking with my female friends, they seem to be just as unacclimated to giving consent as plenty of guys are unacclimated to asking for it.  Lots of my female friends have told to me that they have frozen up silently when guys have asked them.  The guys went ahead with Schrodinger’s Consent, and things have worked out sometimes.  And just like plenty of guys believe they can read nonverbal consent, plenty of girls have tried to give nonverbal consent by doing weird shit like averting their eyes and starting to giggle.  

Just this last weekend, I was at a Halloween party I was hosting for the Chicago Poly Community.  I invited along a lady that I had been on two dates with.  I thought the dates went pretty well.  At the end of our second date, she even gave me a kiss…in the face!  Third time seeing her, I invite her out to the Polyween party.  She looks to be having a great time meeting people and hitting the dance floor.  I even had some time to share a dance with her.

When I’m dancing with someone I don’t know…or only kind of know, I keep my hands to myself  unless I ask permission first.  So she and I had some of that sweet intimate-but-separate dancing for a spell.  I leaned in and asked her if I could put my hand on the small of her back.  She didn’t respond, though.  I thought she didn’t hear me, so I asked again.  She averted her eyes and started giggling.  Then I told her straight; I wasn’t going to touch her without her verbal consent.  Instead of saying yes or even nodding her head, she instead turned around and began grinding her ass against my crotch.  It was some straight-up tweenstyle frottage on the dancefloor.  To me, I felt like she was more comfortable doing this than saying “yes” which was really unsettling.

I’ve had a date where we were giggling in between sharing a big plate of nachos and discussing our mutual affinity for cunnilingus.  Nachos turn into a motorcycle ride to her place for coffee.  While we were waiting for the lattes to cool, I asked if I could give her a kiss.  When I leaned in to kiss her, it was like her libido was a party popper and I just pulled the cord.  We collapsed on the kitchen floor, frantically snogging each other like ravenous octopi.  She ripped both of our clothes off, pitching them at the recycling bin, the dish rack, the cat.  When I was finally able to come up for air and lay her back on the checkered tiles, I began kissing down her bare midsection.  I stopped at her waistline and said something brazen and ridiculous:

“I don’t mean to be too forward.  But if you’ll have me, I’d be awful fond of slinging your legs around my neck and eating out your snatch like I was wearing a fucking feedbag.
I gave that imagery a second to set in and let her finish giggling before I followed up:
“I don’t mean to make those kind of moves without your blessing, though.  May I?”

She didn’t respond with a “yes”, but I know she heard my question.  She averted her eyes and started giggling.  I decided to shoot her straight.  I told her I don’t like to get involved with peoples’ genitals unless I have aggressive consent.  She still didn’t say anything.  She grabbed a fistful of my hair and stuffed my face down into her crotch.  I know it’s dangerous to go ahead without enthusiastic verbal consent, but I did that thing where I put my faith in reading nonverbal cues.

On the one hand, I was a little put off that she wouldn’t just say “yes”.  I was put off that I put all this work into verbal consent and she didn’t ask if she could ball up my pompadour and put me to work.  I was put off that she was bold enough to ride on a stranger’s motorcycle and let him into her home, strip him naked and decorate the kitchen with his clothes, then let perfectly good coffee get cold; but this whole saying “yes” thing was just too much.  Yeah, I was a little put off.

On the other hand, she was smokin’ hot and I wasn’t fibbing when I made my original offer…

Lots of people believe that nonverbal consent is acceptable if the guy is following the gal’s lead.  But this opens a whole different slew of issues.  Sure, there are ladies who are more comfortable taking the reigns silently than they are with responding verbally to a consent request.  But for one thing, they aren’t as common as girls who just freeze up silently and make no response despite their desires.  The other issue with letting the woman lead is questioning whether women should be held to the same standard of verbal consent as men.  Letting the woman lead without verbal consent operates under the assumption that men can never be the victims of rape-adjacent sex with a woman.

Getting over the problems with consent is going to be tough.  For everyone.

Obviously, us guys are going to need to dramatically beef up our efforts to gain consent.  But we’re all in this together and there’s a lot of work that women have to do to undo this consent bind we’re all in.  Just like guys need to know when to ask, girls need to know when to tell.  Something I’ve learned in my greater efforts to get consent is that girls have been raised to do a lot of confusing shit when it comes to consent.

I’m all but spent with confusing consent issues.  I was reading this great article by Leah Libresco about rape-adjacent sex.  She recommends guys conduct a “reverse-lysistrata“, where we boycott sex with women who aren’t willing to give us verbal consent.  While many may scoff at the idea, I don’t think this is that far off.  I know plenty of my male peers who won’t have sex with a girl if they have to wear a condom, plenty won’t have sex with a girl if she won’t perform fellatio first, plenty who go soft if a gal hasn’t shaved her legs.  If these trivialities can keep guys from having sex, hell yeah I believe we can hold out without verbal consent.

Up until the revolution comes, though, we’re could all try a little more to diffuse some of these issues.

TO THE MEN OF THE WORLD:

Will a greater effort for verbal consent be damaging to the intimate encounters that you have?  Not really.

I’ve been a consent thumper for the past few years and it hasn’t reduced the amount of girls I’ve brought home.  I may have a few novelties to sway the ladies in my direction, but consent is easy enough to get.  In the event that you bring home a gal who can’t say “yes”, you could certainly make a fun game of giving her consent to take charge, otherwise you may just have to spend the night platonically.  It might be better to not have sex with someone who’s got an issue with a push for consent.  Any girl who would get turned off by the idea of you asking first is probably not the kind of person you wanna take home.

TO THE WOMEN OF THE WORLD:

Be ready to say no.  Be ready to say yes.

Nobody is going to call you a slut.  Unless that’s what you want.  In which case you should definitely tell us.

Ask for consent.  Ask for us to ask for consent.  Take the initiative.

If you’re the kind of lady who’s already capable, god bless you.  Help your sisters reach that level of confidence and comfort.

To everyone:

This might mean that I don’t have a whole lot of bedroom skills to be complimented on, but the most common compliment I receive from a new lover is that they really liked how I asked before I did anything.  Flattering though it is, I don’t want to be complimented for this anymore.  Asking for consent shouldn’t be something I get recognition for, this should be a standard practice.  I want people to request/grant consent while fucking as easily as they gloss over the sheets getting ruffled while fucking.  I want girls to feel comfortable owning their sexuality, especially if it means telling guys like me they want that D.  I want to lay in bed with a new lover, catching our breath and I want to be complimented for my cuddling ability, my O-face, my bedsheets…fucking anything except asking for consent.

A consent revolution isn’t going to happen overnight.  It’s not going to happen because of the actions of one gender.  It’s going to happen one person at a time until it becomes the standard.

What converted me?  Somebody asked me.

 

 

 

 

AUTHORS NOTE: I understand that this article was written with a very heteronormative idea of relationships which falls heavily on the false gender dichotomy.  The spectrum of love and gender is vast and wide and yet still unexplored completely!  I apologize if you feel like this article does not apply to you because you do not subscribe to these ideas.  This article is directed towards the sizable population of conventional datership that does.

Responding to a Response

The Bro Bible once ran an article:

10 Signs Of How ‘Down To F**k’ A Girl Is…Just From What She’s Wearing

The article was removed from the Bro Bible after an article from the Huffington Post-Women went viral on facebook.  The Huffington Post’s article spread like glitter at a Ke$ha concert.  It was called:

“How To Tell If A Woman Is Down To Have Sex With You”

The Post’s article was the following:

“ASK HER.

A woman’s clothing or jewelry or level of intoxication can’t tell you anything about whether she’s ‘down to f**k.’ Only she can.

End. Of. Story.”

I’m going to just dismiss The Bro Bible.  Outside of practically embodying some of the most negative ethos of rape culture, there is only one true source for bro wisdom.  The ass-hats responsible for the Bro Bible’s post are easy enough to shrug away.  The Huffington Post, on the other hand, got under my skin and I wanted to address their article.

Firstly, let me do that thing where I check my privilege.  As a white, educated, mostly-employed, vaguely-heterosexual male; I’ve got more privilege than Gaston has biceps.  That being said, I know many people would dismiss my opinions on women’s consent.  As a rebuff of the Bro Bible, the Post squashed them so bad that the article was pulled.  However, I do feel like The Post is also guilty of publishing a misleading idea about what is and is not consent.

Of course, no means no.  But there is a library of other tells that also mean no.  Sometimes, even “yes” means no.

A common enough issue is that consent is indeterminate in shape and varies depending on the consenter.  While asking if you can touch could mean standing consent for everything from cunnilingus to scat-play with one partner, asking if you can touch could very well mean just touching with another.  And while it may seem tedious to have to ask:
“Miss, may I kiss you?” “Miss, may I fondle your breasts?” “Miss, I’d like to kiss your breasts now, is that okay?”
Doing this still isn’t as tedious as a consent debacle.  Especially when it’s your first time with a partner, it’s fantastically better to get too much consent than not enough.

Another obvious scenario when verbal consent isn’t actually consent is when alcohol is involved.  But I would amend that to include any scenario where a potential sexual partner doesn’t have their head on straight.  This extends to judgement-impairing drugs like Adderall, Molly, and 4Loko.  Just because they give you consent, doesn’t mean you should take it.

If you ask first and they say something like “As surely as the lizard queens have bestowed their many succulent powers unto me, I will usher you into the garden of sexual delights”.  Obviously, you shouldn’t let them.  But if you even get the feeling that someone is a little off, it’s your responsibility to not take them to the bedroom.  Not because you might go to jail.  Statistically speaking, you probably wouldn’t go to jail if you raped a stone-cold sober person.  We don’t take intoxicated people to the bedroom because to do so would be taking advantage of a fellow human being, which is fundamentally damaging to the self.

Granted, you might be going to bed with someone who is plastered drunk, but also your spouse of some years.  In that case, assumed consent is a safer bet.  This ties in to the next problem with getting verbal consent.  Do you know them well enough that you trust their consent?  While you may feel like you know, it’s impossible to tell for certain.  You can have more faith in a person’s verbal consent based on your experiences with them.

This is a big reason I really fail to have try to never have sex on the first date.  When I’m first meeting someone, it’s hard for me to understand them well enough to know they really want me.  This is a very unfortunate symptom of living in a world where women are cultured to not say no.  Plenty of girls are pressured from a young age to be people pleasers first.  People pleasers have a very hard time saying no.  For a lot of them, they imagine saying yes to something they don’t want is easier than refusing it.

Our world has become a hot mess because we’ve created a culture where women are commonly the gatekeepers of sex, and rarely the initiators.  This monkeywrenches the gears because the people who most often start the action are most often the worst judges of it.  This is like letting the Indy 500 get started by one of the race car drivers…chosen at random, wearing a blindfold, and using a gun loaded with live ammunition.  So guys, we’ve got to tread carefully.

Personally, I feel the Huffington Post got it wrong.  Not as wrong as the Bro Bible, but here’s a real answer to the question.

How to tell if a woman wants to have sex with you: You can never be 100% sure.  Tough luck, dudes.

Obviously, ask first.  Ask early.  Ask often.  But whenever things are getting physical, you’re rolling the dice.  You’re putting a lot of yours on the table, including your reputation as a man who respects women.  Your putting a lot of hers on the table when you roll the dice too.  Don’t get me wrong, the prize is worth the gamble…as long as the odds are good.

Good odds come from things like getting enthusiastic verbal consent.  Good odds come from things like getting enthusiastic verbal consent two or three times.  Good odds come from a partner you trust, and one who trusts you too.  Good odds come from things like safewords, and sobriety, and ignoring the advice of people who tell you consent comes solely from anything…including affirmation.

Erotolalia

I remember the first time a partner asked me to talk dirty.  I didn’t know what the hell to say.  Here I was, the proud author of a whole moleskine of angsty teen poetry, and I couldn’t even muster the words to tell someone how bad I wanted to fuck them.  How embarrassing.

When I finally scrounged up the courage, I regurgitated a few standard lines I’d heard in porno about how I thought she was soooo hoooot.  I told her that she made me hooooorny.  I told her I liked how she made me haaaaard.  Then, I don’t know why, but I said some silly-ass shit that I don’t even want to look at while I’m writing this, so you can highlight it to read what I said to the sweet older woman who took in a young man and broke his chatter-cherry:
|“Tell me you like my hard cock.  Yeah, tell me it’s as hard as a…uh…as hard as a…carrot.”|

This kind of newbie fumbling is surprisingly common from what I’ve heard.  So unfortunately, in the rare occasion that somebody finds the chutzpah to try it, they often get too embarrassed to give it a second go.  Just like surfing or buttsex, some people have such a bad experience on their first try that they never get to know the real joys of exploring it once you’ve had some practice.

Getting practiced can seem very daunting.  But it’s not as scary as it may seem.  50 Shades of Grey was on the best seller list for 50 weeks straight.  And it’s not like E.L. James had an accomplished career as a writer or a supernatural command of language that kept it there.  Hell, people even tell me that I make a decent showing with indecent verbiage.  If you’re not sure what kind of language gets people’s jimmies rustled, check out literotica’s top voted stories.  Not to downplay it, I’ve been batin’ to Literotica since I used to visit on Netscape Navigator.  But when you read through these stories, it’s plain to see that you don’t need to be master of eroticism to say something that turns people on.

How Do I Start?

If you want to test your chops against an anonymous recipient, consider an anonymous chat client like omegle or chatroulette.  Many people freeze up and stay silent when they see another person and can’t practice.  If you’re communication is text-based, it gives you some drafting time to start building your sexy language abilities.  Because it’s an anonymous client, you also get the chance to embody a different persona for the conversation.  Consider playing a different gender/age/race/orientation.  Trying on the shoes of another persuasion also gives you a more complete understanding of human sexuality.  After you’re more comfortable, consider talking in-person with a partner!

Dirty talking is one of the safest kinks to explore with a partner.  It’s not like pegging or hook suspension where you can go too far too fast too easily.  But just because you won’t need a speculum to fix a mistake, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t talk about it beforehand.  Are they ready to hear you say something nasty?  Are they ready to return communique?  You can even make this chat part of the dirty talking!

Go over with your partner about things they like and don’t like for bedroom verbiage.  Is there something special they like calling you?  Master?  Boy?  Daddy?  Is there something special they like being called?  Mistress?  Slut?  Xena, Warrior Princess?

Clarification is good to prevent hiccups.  What is totally unacceptable to say outside the bedroom might be just what your partner wants to hear.  But it’s dangerous to assume that one inappropriate word is acceptable just because they accept another.

I had a partner once who loved getting bent over and called names.  I called them a filthy slut, a dirty whore. But when I experimented and used the B-word, the sex immediately halted and she turned back and shot me with a fearsome BKB (Read: Boner Killing Bitchface), and informed me that particular nomenclature would not be acceptable.

I hope she’s not reading this…

Ask them if they have any trigger words, good or bad.  What language do they like for anatomy?  They may be alright calling it a cunt, snatch or hole; but the word “pussy” might be unacceptable.  Let your partner know that you’re alright calling it a cock, dick, or shaft…but you’ve always liked when people call it MEGATRON.   What language do you both want for the act itself?  Bangin’?  Making love?  Riding the train to pound town?

After you’ve got a bead on what their ears are ready to receive, get an idea of what kind of communication they’re willing to deliver; or if they even want to deliver.  Like cunnilingus or cash tips; some people like dirty talking, but only when they’re on the receiving end.  One-sided dirty talking is fine, though.  Just like cunnilingus or cash tips, plenty of people find giving very gratifying on its own.

When Do I Start?

Dirty talking can come very naturally once you know how to start.  For me, sparking the fires starts in a number of different ways that are heavily context-sensitive.  If it’s first thing in the morning, I will wake my partner slowly by mentioning what I might have been dreaming about doing to them.  If we’re out together in public, I might whisper in their ear about some nearby corner where I would like to steal away and what debauchery might ensue.  If we’re just getting ready for bed, I would really like to tell them what I’ve been thinking about doing all day.

Ask your partners what they think about when they’re touching themselves.  Tell them what you think about when you do it.  It’s alright to give a little flattery fiction in this part of the foreplay.  If you’ve crafted a fantasy about them in your mind, tell them about it!  It may not be exactly what you’re thinking about when you’re batin’, but it’s still nice to hear your fantasies!  Even if you can only get off to the weird stuff, partners are glad to know you’ve considered them when treating yourself.

When you’re dirty talking though, make sure you are speaking clear and loud enough that your partner can hear.  It can be painfully awkward if you to ask to repeat.  And it can be painfully awkwarder to have to repeat.

Though it’s a fine vehicle for foreplay, dirty talking is more than just an opening ceremony.  It can even enhance the experience when you don’t say anything until you’re fucking so hard that the wallpaper starts peeling.

What Do I Say?

After you’ve established what does and does not rustle your partner’s jimmies, there is a broad palette to paint your soliloquy; so broad, it might be intimidating.  I prefer to narrow my focus to a specific theme to develop as the dirty talking blossoms.  Here are some winning strategies I’ve discovered and some examples I’ve delivered/experienced:

  1. Explain the Current Situation
    Simple and effective.  This is the bread and butter of dirty talking.  If you’re not sure how to start or how to sustain, you can always defer to this strategy.  Explain what is happening in as much graphic detail as you are capable.  Ava Devine, the “Lady in the Lake of Porn”, has practically built an entire career around this kind of dirty talking.
    EXAMPLES:
    “You’re fucking me so hard you’re making my titties bounce”
    “You’re taking every inch of my hard dick”
    “Your balls are slapping against me while you fuck my ass”
  2. Wish List
    One of the best ways to get what you want is to ask for what you want.  Maybe you’re begging for something.  Maybe you’re demanding something.  Or maybe you’re just explaining with colorful detail the exact circumstances of how you like to be pleased.  Communicating about your desires in the bedroom is an integral part of good sex.  Dirty talking can be a really fun vehicle for those conversations!
    EXAMPLES:
    “Please bend me over and fill up my hole”
    “Stick your pinky out when you do it and suck my dick like a lady”
    “Eat up my pussy like an ice cream cone”
  3. Assume your Role
    If you and your partner have a BDSM dynamic to your relationship, or you’re just doing a sexy roleplay; falling back on your characters will keep the conversation flowing.  You can bark orders if you are dominating.  You can declare your loyalty if you’re displaying submission.  You can just refer to your partner as the character they are playing in your roleplay.  This is a good way to anchor people in the fantasy.
    EXAMPLES:
    “Good kitty.  Don’t waste a drop”
    “I live to please my mistress”
    “I’ve always wanted to feel my brother’s hard cock!”
  4. Explain Who You/they Are
    While this certainly ties into roleplaying; sometimes, you’re not roleplaying.  There are plenty of meaningful and real positions that people have in each others lives that can be brought up.  Instead of anchoring your partner in a fantasy, this anchors them in the fantastic reality of the relationship that you already have.
    EXAMPLES:
    “I’m you’re good, little, private slut”
    “I know you like your hubby’s big, hard dick”
    “Fuck me, I’m your girl!”
  5. Speak a Different Language
    This is the diet coke of raceplay.  You may not be ready to wear a sombrero in the bedroom; but calling your boyfriend papi can still be really hot and naughty.  Even if it’s not necessarily your native language, it can make the encounter that much more exotic.  I had a recovering weaboo in the bedroom one time and I forced her to refer to me as senpai and say DESU DESU DESU DESU whenever she was climaxing.
    EXAMPLES:
    “Fais-moi grimper au rideau.” [French]
    “Fick mich schneller” [German]
    “Mapigo yako ni kiboko.” [Swahili]
  6. Praise Your Partner
    While you never want to compliment too much in a relationship, those rules go out the window when you’re bangin’.
    Lots of rules do.
    In that, you can’t spill enough language exalting your partner.  You can lay thick compliments about their body, their mind, their spirit, their skill.  It doesn’t necessarily even need to all be true.  If you’re comfortable with it, a little hyperbole goes a long way.
    EXAMPLES:
    “You’re so big, I won’t be able to walk straight later”
    “This ass is yours.  You deserve it.  Take it until you’re ready to let me taste a hot load of your cum”
    “You have such a cute little snatch, I love to watch my cock disappear into your beautiful bush”
  7. Degrade Your Partner
    Saying nice things is sweet.  Saying things that aren’t nice can be really fucking hot, though.  This one you’re definitely going to need to discuss beforehand.  While some people are really into getting put down, plenty of people are exceedingly selective about the levels of degradation they will accept.  At some point, degradation becomes insults and people can go from feeling really naughty to really shitty.  After you’ve discussed things, you can start exploring conversational dominance.
    EXAMPLES:
    “You’re such a dirty whore, you let me use up all your holes”
    “You were born to eat my pussy.  You should just quit your job”
    “Choke down this dick like a twinkie you fat slut”
  8. Prompt Them
    Just like regular conversations, I always prefer dirty talking with someone instead of at someone.  One of the easiest ways to play off each other is with a question/prompt.  Taking the initiative and engaging your partner is sometimes the only way to get them to start talking with you.  You can inquire about their current state and see if there is anything else they want you could indulge or maniacally disregard!  You could ask them to repeat after you.  You could beg them to say something to you.
    EXAMPLES:
    “Does my man like my tight, little cunt?”
    “Tell me you’re my fuck toy”
    “Who does this ass belong to?”

 

When Do I Stop?

When somebody drops the safeword, that means the dirty talking needs to clean up quick.  But even if they haven’t dropped the safeword, you can certainly adjust the levels of intensity depending on how they respond.  If you’re in the middle of a scene and they mention something about the language approaching territory where they feel uncomfortable, it’s easy enough to wind things back.

When you are done with a scene, sometimes it helps to take care of a partner without dirty talking them.  Sure, aftercare in character can be a good way to not suspend the encounter.  But sometimes, your partners might need to be brought out of the scene by breaking character.  One of the easiest ways to pull people out of the dirty-talking headspace is to refer to them by their name directly.

 

What Works for You?

The explorations above are just the tip of the dirty-talking iceberg.  These are just my experiences.  And I come from a very different place in my motivations for dirty talking.

Sometimes, I’m too lazy to give foreplay properly.  Enticing your partner’s body involves hands, fingers, tongues and a brain that’s willing to orchestrate all of that in the correct order and tempo.  Working people up is work!

Thankfully, there is an avenue for foreplay that caters to my sensitivities as a sloth.  They always say that the mind is the biggest sex organ.  If I can stimulate that without even having to move, I might do that first thing in the morning instead of slopping my groggy face into some half-assed BJ to get my partner ready.  And getting myself talking stimulates my biggest sex organ to boot.

What are your reasons for wanting to talk dirty?  What are some things that people have said that turned you on?  Turned you off?

Post your responses in the comments below!

Easing him in

I used to be a juggalo.

There.  I said it.

It’s easy to understand how I transitioned out of that lifestyle…

I also used to be a diehard monogamist.  This was a little more precarious of a lifestyle to vacate.  Thankfully, I had a partner who held my hand step-by-baby-step unto the exotic lands of nonmonogamy.  Seven years later, now we giggle about the way we used to be.

Polyamory was her idea.  It’s a common misconception that all polyamorous couples are the result of a man who can’t commit to monogamy and an ineffectual woman not holding him to ‘real’ relationship standards.  In my experience, there are just as many women looking to steer their relationship to a non-exclusive path as there are men.  While the lady may be ready to embrace this progressive, new-age relationship style that she’s read all about at Jezebel, her guy might be unexposed and hesitant to dive right in.

Polyamory can be like playing Skyrim.  If someone has never played an Elder Scrolls game, it can be confusing and intimidating; full of strange rules and vocabulary.  The learning curve is so steep, that some guys just go back to playing Candy Crush before they learn their first Dragonshout.

I would have snapped right back to Candy Crush monogamy if my lady didn’t offer me a few hands to ease me into the ethical slut I am today.

So if you are a lady looking to pop your guy’s poly cherry, here are a few things you can do to break him in smoothly:

Baby Steps

When you’re approaching a dramatically different kind of relationship, it’s hard to go too slow.  It’s real easy to go too fast, though.  If polyamory is more your idea than his, you may need to move more his pace than your own.  You may even need to employ some Poly Training Wheels until your guy can pedal on his own.

Poly Training Wheels are addendums to your relationship that make the steps into conventional polyamory that much easier.  While they are certainly useful in acclimating neophytes to polyamory, these are not long term practices.  If these addendums are seen in a relationship that’s been poly for more than a year or so, many seasoned polyamorists will scoff like they just saw a grown-ass man riding a bike with training wheels or eating a hot dog with ketchup.  Poly Training Wheels include the like of:

  1. The One Penis Policy
    Also known as The Highlander Penis.  This is where the guy is allowed to have heterosexual relations outside his lady, but the gal is only allowed to date other girls.  Overlooking the glaring homophobia and misogyny that’s spilling out of this policy, it’s not without its use.  First time polyamorists often fall prey to the question “What does my metamour have that I don’t?” and all of the insecurities that are tied to it.  When the differences between a man and his partner’s partner are made out of chromosomes, it’s easy to stem those insecurities.  When I was just starting, we never had an official One Penis Policy.  But my partner was bisexual and was only finding women who she was interested in.  Later on, when she started seeing more men, my reactions were tempered by my previous experience of seeing her with women.
  2. Package Deal
    This is where couples see someone new, just not separately.  While there is the much hated stereotype of the Unicorn Hunting couple, as a temporary arrangement to get a guy used to the idea of his partner with other people; it could be beneficial for both partners to be present for any new romance.  It might even be a good chance for the guy to explore some of his non-heterosexual tendencies in a safe space!
  3. Do What You Know
    Some polyamorists have a rule to not get involved with their partner’s friends.  For many beginners, though, it helps to have a rule that you only date each others’ friends.  Even though you risk compromising your social circles to do it, it can be helpful for a guy to know that his lady is just out with Kyle, his drummer from the band.  Insecurities can run rampant when a poly newbie thinks about his partner out with a strange man of mysterious intentions.  This all ties into the old adage about the evil you know.
    While this kind of familiarity can certainly be comfortable for dating, it can be tremendously uncomfortable and awkward for breaking up.  Given the turnover rate on your average relationships, consider the possibility post breakup fallout in your social circle.  You may even want to consider getting involved with one of your partner’s acquaintances instead of friends…
  4. Veto Powers
    This is where any outside relationships are conditional upon mutual approval.  If there comes a time when either of you disapproves of an extraneous relationship, the relationship may be vetoed and the rejection must be accepted.  I put “Veto Powers” as a Training Wheel, but I feel like plenty of veteran poly couples practice de-facto veto powers.  My partners and I don’t have veto powers because I know that if they don’t like any new dates I have, I quickly lose interest.  And vise-versa with their partners.
  5. The Panic Button
    When I first got started in polyamory, I hit a few snags.  Whenever I would talk to my lady about it, she would lay monogamy back on the table for me.  Just the act of her saying that put me so much at ease!  If monogamy is still an option for the two of you, it can be very gratifying to hear that option confirmed.  The option is malleable too.  If things are getting tough, you could have some temporary exclusivity, or put them on an indefinite hiatus until the two of you are in a good place again.

Building Blocks

As things progress, you’ll hopefully outgrow training wheels as you grow into a really developed polyamorous couple.  But not all fundamentals are ablative.  Some useful building blocks will help your guy adjust from the start until the two of you are hosting key parties at the retirement home.  Useful building blocks include:

  1. Check Ups
    This is a valuable skill for monogamous and polyamorous couples, but it’s got special weight for a guy shifting away from monogamy.  Obviously, it can be unsettling to be hitting your guy up every day to assess his levels of satisfaction concerning your intimated fraternization.  But it can be beneficial for both of you to chat about how you feel about the relationship over dinner or drinks once a week or so.  Maybe you can even convince him to start writing a blog about polyamory and name it after his favorite kind of pen…
  2. Body Rights
    These take all forms:  No anal sex outside of him.  No cowgirl riding on anyone else.  No twerking if he’s not on the dance floor.  While these are heavily employed in the kink community, lighter versions of them can make any relationship more intimate.  Just because polyamorists deny overarching exclusion, doesn’t mean we’ve boycotted all kinds of exclusion.  The most common form of body rights I see extended is the practice of fluid bonding, which is having exclusive unprotected sex with a chosen partner.
  3. Relationship Hierarchy
    Plenty of poly couples use terms like “primary” and “secondary” to explain the levels of commitment they have to the various partners in their life.  While stratifying the people in your heart can certainly be problematic, it can also diffuse many problems.  Not all polyamorists use these terms, but most usually end up giving a special preference to a single partner who takes no title.  The title of “primary” is an honorific with terms that you can leave undefined if you really want.  Calling somebody your “primary” carries a level of security in the stratification.
  4. Schedule Rights
    I can’t imagine a world of functioning polyamorists without Google Calendar.  If you are ready to take your relationship to that level, sharing your calendar with someone else is a good way to keep them abreast of your life outside of them.  If you want to step up the commitment, have one night every week that is dedicated to being spent together.  Every Wednesday is dedicated to one of my partners in my G-Calendar as “Hump Day“.  If you’re just getting started, it can be helpful to set defined limits on the amount of time you dedicate to other partners.  You could talk about something like limiting the number of outside dates you both have to 2 per week.

This is just what worked for me.  If you’ve had success with any other methods, please post them in the comments!

Most people’s first experience with polyamory will usually determine whether they retreat forever back to monogamy or if they want to make nonmonogamy a part of their lives for good.  When I was being brought into the poly-fold, I was brought in just right.  Horrific as it may sound, I’d probably go back to being a juggalo before I tried monogamy again.

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