I remember the first time a partner asked me to talk dirty. I didn’t know what the hell to say. Here I was, the proud author of a whole moleskine of angsty teen poetry, and I couldn’t even muster the words to tell someone how bad I wanted to fuck them. How embarrassing.
When I finally scrounged up the courage, I regurgitated a few standard lines I’d heard in porno about how I thought she was soooo hoooot. I told her that she made me hooooorny. I told her I liked how she made me haaaaard. Then, I don’t know why, but I said some silly-ass shit that I don’t even want to look at while I’m writing this, so you can highlight it to read what I said to the sweet older woman who took in a young man and broke his chatter-cherry:
|“Tell me you like my hard cock. Yeah, tell me it’s as hard as a…uh…as hard as a…carrot.”|
This kind of newbie fumbling is surprisingly common from what I’ve heard. So unfortunately, in the rare occasion that somebody finds the chutzpah to try it, they often get too embarrassed to give it a second go. Just like surfing or buttsex, some people have such a bad experience on their first try that they never get to know the real joys of exploring it once you’ve had some practice.
Getting practiced can seem very daunting. But it’s not as scary as it may seem. 50 Shades of Grey was on the best seller list for 50 weeks straight. And it’s not like E.L. James had an accomplished career as a writer or a supernatural command of language that kept it there. Hell, people even tell me that I make a decent showing with indecent verbiage. If you’re not sure what kind of language gets people’s jimmies rustled, check out literotica’s top voted stories. Not to downplay it, I’ve been batin’ to Literotica since I used to visit on Netscape Navigator. But when you read through these stories, it’s plain to see that you don’t need to be master of eroticism to say something that turns people on.
How Do I Start?
If you want to test your chops against an anonymous recipient, consider an anonymous chat client like omegle or chatroulette. Many people freeze up and stay silent when they see another person and can’t practice. If you’re communication is text-based, it gives you some drafting time to start building your sexy language abilities. Because it’s an anonymous client, you also get the chance to embody a different persona for the conversation. Consider playing a different gender/age/race/orientation. Trying on the shoes of another persuasion also gives you a more complete understanding of human sexuality. After you’re more comfortable, consider talking in-person with a partner!
Dirty talking is one of the safest kinks to explore with a partner. It’s not like pegging or hook suspension where you can go too far too fast too easily. But just because you won’t need a speculum to fix a mistake, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t talk about it beforehand. Are they ready to hear you say something nasty? Are they ready to return communique? You can even make this chat part of the dirty talking!
Go over with your partner about things they like and don’t like for bedroom verbiage. Is there something special they like calling you? Master? Boy? Daddy? Is there something special they like being called? Mistress? Slut? Xena, Warrior Princess?
Clarification is good to prevent hiccups. What is totally unacceptable to say outside the bedroom might be just what your partner wants to hear. But it’s dangerous to assume that one inappropriate word is acceptable just because they accept another.
I had a partner once who loved getting bent over and called names. I called them a filthy slut, a dirty whore. But when I experimented and used the B-word, the sex immediately halted and she turned back and shot me with a fearsome BKB (Read: Boner Killing Bitchface), and informed me that particular nomenclature would not be acceptable.
I hope she’s not reading this…
Ask them if they have any trigger words, good or bad. What language do they like for anatomy? They may be alright calling it a cunt, snatch or hole; but the word “pussy” might be unacceptable. Let your partner know that you’re alright calling it a cock, dick, or shaft…but you’ve always liked when people call it MEGATRON. What language do you both want for the act itself? Bangin’? Making love? Riding the train to pound town?
After you’ve got a bead on what their ears are ready to receive, get an idea of what kind of communication they’re willing to deliver; or if they even want to deliver. Like cunnilingus or cash tips; some people like dirty talking, but only when they’re on the receiving end. One-sided dirty talking is fine, though. Just like cunnilingus or cash tips, plenty of people find giving very gratifying on its own.
When Do I Start?
Dirty talking can come very naturally once you know how to start. For me, sparking the fires starts in a number of different ways that are heavily context-sensitive. If it’s first thing in the morning, I will wake my partner slowly by mentioning what I might have been dreaming about doing to them. If we’re out together in public, I might whisper in their ear about some nearby corner where I would like to steal away and what debauchery might ensue. If we’re just getting ready for bed, I would really like to tell them what I’ve been thinking about doing all day.
Ask your partners what they think about when they’re touching themselves. Tell them what you think about when you do it. It’s alright to give a little flattery fiction in this part of the foreplay. If you’ve crafted a fantasy about them in your mind, tell them about it! It may not be exactly what you’re thinking about when you’re batin’, but it’s still nice to hear your fantasies! Even if you can only get off to the weird stuff, partners are glad to know you’ve considered them when treating yourself.
When you’re dirty talking though, make sure you are speaking clear and loud enough that your partner can hear. It can be painfully awkward if you to ask to repeat. And it can be painfully awkwarder to have to repeat.
Though it’s a fine vehicle for foreplay, dirty talking is more than just an opening ceremony. It can even enhance the experience when you don’t say anything until you’re fucking so hard that the wallpaper starts peeling.
What Do I Say?
After you’ve established what does and does not rustle your partner’s jimmies, there is a broad palette to paint your soliloquy; so broad, it might be intimidating. I prefer to narrow my focus to a specific theme to develop as the dirty talking blossoms. Here are some winning strategies I’ve discovered and some examples I’ve delivered/experienced:
- Explain the Current Situation
Simple and effective. This is the bread and butter of dirty talking. If you’re not sure how to start or how to sustain, you can always defer to this strategy. Explain what is happening in as much graphic detail as you are capable. Ava Devine, the “Lady in the Lake of Porn”, has practically built an entire career around this kind of dirty talking.
“You’re fucking me so hard you’re making my titties bounce”
“You’re taking every inch of my hard dick”
“Your balls are slapping against me while you fuck my ass”
- Wish List
One of the best ways to get what you want is to ask for what you want. Maybe you’re begging for something. Maybe you’re demanding something. Or maybe you’re just explaining with colorful detail the exact circumstances of how you like to be pleased. Communicating about your desires in the bedroom is an integral part of good sex. Dirty talking can be a really fun vehicle for those conversations!
“Please bend me over and fill up my hole”
“Stick your pinky out when you do it and suck my dick like a lady”
“Eat up my pussy like an ice cream cone”
- Assume your Role
If you and your partner have a BDSM dynamic to your relationship, or you’re just doing a sexy roleplay; falling back on your characters will keep the conversation flowing. You can bark orders if you are dominating. You can declare your loyalty if you’re displaying submission. You can just refer to your partner as the character they are playing in your roleplay. This is a good way to anchor people in the fantasy.
“Good kitty. Don’t waste a drop”
“I live to please my mistress”
“I’ve always wanted to feel my brother’s hard cock!”
- Explain Who You/they Are
While this certainly ties into roleplaying; sometimes, you’re not roleplaying. There are plenty of meaningful and real positions that people have in each others lives that can be brought up. Instead of anchoring your partner in a fantasy, this anchors them in the fantastic reality of the relationship that you already have.
“I’m you’re good, little, private slut”
“I know you like your hubby’s big, hard dick”
“Fuck me, I’m your girl!”
- Speak a Different Language
This is the diet coke of raceplay. You may not be ready to wear a sombrero in the bedroom; but calling your boyfriend papi can still be really hot and naughty. Even if it’s not necessarily your native language, it can make the encounter that much more exotic. I had a recovering weaboo in the bedroom one time and I forced her to refer to me as senpai and say “DESU DESU DESU DESU“ whenever she was climaxing.
“Fais-moi grimper au rideau.” [French]
“Fick mich schneller” [German]
“Mapigo yako ni kiboko.” [Swahili]
- Praise Your Partner
While you never want to compliment too much in a relationship, those rules go out the window when you’re bangin’.
Lots of rules do.
In that, you can’t spill enough language exalting your partner. You can lay thick compliments about their body, their mind, their spirit, their skill. It doesn’t necessarily even need to all be true. If you’re comfortable with it, a little hyperbole goes a long way.
“You’re so big, I won’t be able to walk straight later”
“This ass is yours. You deserve it. Take it until you’re ready to let me taste a hot load of your cum”
“You have such a cute little snatch, I love to watch my cock disappear into your beautiful bush”
- Degrade Your Partner
Saying nice things is sweet. Saying things that aren’t nice can be really fucking hot, though. This one you’re definitely going to need to discuss beforehand. While some people are really into getting put down, plenty of people are exceedingly selective about the levels of degradation they will accept. At some point, degradation becomes insults and people can go from feeling really naughty to really shitty. After you’ve discussed things, you can start exploring conversational dominance.
“You’re such a dirty whore, you let me use up all your holes”
“You were born to eat my pussy. You should just quit your job”
“Choke down this dick like a twinkie you fat slut”
- Prompt Them
Just like regular conversations, I always prefer dirty talking with someone instead of at someone. One of the easiest ways to play off each other is with a question/prompt. Taking the initiative and engaging your partner is sometimes the only way to get them to start talking with you. You can inquire about their current state and see if there is anything else they want you could indulge or maniacally disregard! You could ask them to repeat after you. You could beg them to say something to you.
“Does my man like my tight, little cunt?”
“Tell me you’re my fuck toy”
“Who does this ass belong to?”
When Do I Stop?
When somebody drops the safeword, that means the dirty talking needs to clean up quick. But even if they haven’t dropped the safeword, you can certainly adjust the levels of intensity depending on how they respond. If you’re in the middle of a scene and they mention something about the language approaching territory where they feel uncomfortable, it’s easy enough to wind things back.
When you are done with a scene, sometimes it helps to take care of a partner without dirty talking them. Sure, aftercare in character can be a good way to not suspend the encounter. But sometimes, your partners might need to be brought out of the scene by breaking character. One of the easiest ways to pull people out of the dirty-talking headspace is to refer to them by their name directly.
What Works for You?
The explorations above are just the tip of the dirty-talking iceberg. These are just my experiences. And I come from a very different place in my motivations for dirty talking.
Sometimes, I’m too lazy to give foreplay properly. Enticing your partner’s body involves hands, fingers, tongues and a brain that’s willing to orchestrate all of that in the correct order and tempo. Working people up is work!
Thankfully, there is an avenue for foreplay that caters to my sensitivities as a sloth. They always say that the mind is the biggest sex organ. If I can stimulate that without even having to move, I might do that first thing in the morning instead of slopping my groggy face into some half-assed BJ to get my partner ready. And getting myself talking stimulates my biggest sex organ to boot.
What are your reasons for wanting to talk dirty? What are some things that people have said that turned you on? Turned you off?
Post your responses in the comments below!