Do the Creep

You know the guy.  He didn’t come to the party with anyone.  He might be wearing a fedora, 3 wolf moon t-shirt, and a neckbeard.  He will come up and approach you to talk about things he finds interesting.  You may not be in to Magic: the Gathering or Neal Stephenson as much as he is, but he’s going to discuss it with you.  He’s probably not malicious, but he certainly isn’t stimulating.  And what he lacks in social ability, he makes up for in persistence.

Virtually every gal and a fair selection of gentleman have been approached by the creeper.

Urban Dictionary defines the creeper as:

A weird man one may know or not know and he gives off a strong rapist/molester vibe. His presence just makes a person extremely uncomfortable.

While most guys will have bouts of being the creeper for whatever reason (E.G. Off game, post-breakup, going stag, laundry day, etc…).  There are some who creep for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.  But how do we, as guys, know whether we are afflicted with creepery or if we are dyed-in-the-wool-creepers?

If you ever find yourself wondering about your creepiness, know this:

You are one.

The most common sentiment in the people I’ve surveyed is that all guys are creepers.  What is perceived as being creepy is really just the raw, unprocessed form of a human male.  The only disparity between creepers and non-creepers is the amount of creep displayed:

“probably about 60% of guys i meet are creepers to some degree” -Female, 27

“The same guy in the same situation acting in identical ways can be a creeper to one woman, but not to another” -Male, 26

“Depending on the receiving end’s perspective, anyone’s actions could be taken as creeping.” -Female, 24

“All men are creepers, it’s just what extent do they show it” -Female, 25

Creeping, much like flatulence, is something all men can suffer from.  But much like flatulence, you need to keep your creeping to a minimum around ladies you want to feel comfortable.

That means winding certain things back.  Firstly, your style.

“Creepers don’t dress well.  If they did, they wouldn’t be creeping.” -Female, 23

We can’t all look like Hugh Jackman.  But most guys can pull a Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

Some simple clothes that show you’ve put effort into looking good is all it usually takes.  It’s the first car on the “I understand girls” train.  Most girls will be a little creeped if you try and impress her with your trenchcoat, or video game memorabilia.

You might have an expansive collection of knowledge about video games.  You might know the Konami Code by heart.  But unless a gal seems interested in what you’re saying, you are conversationally creeping.

Whenever you try and spark up a conversation, you risk conversationally creeping.  Fishing and cutting bait is the golden, beholden decision to make when courting a partner.  If they’re not interested in what you’re saying, try what always works.  Things that don’t make you sound too wild, but make you sound wild enough.  Talk about popular movies you liked, talk about popular kids movies you took your nephews to.

If they are giving you obvious signs of disinterest, cut bait before you start talking at someone instead of with someone.

Which ties in to the last rule of creep mitigation: creeping past the point of no return.

You might have done everything right, but you complimented her too much. She may have caught you staring at her bust, even though she bought a low cut top that shows off her personality.  Or you may have just said the exact wrong thing at the exact wrong time, and now you’re a creeper.  Unfortunately, it’s outside of common decency to just lay it on the line, like 

“You are really creeping me out and I want to end this conversation.”

Some women have been blessed with the ability to do this, and men thank you for your courage and dedication.  There are many who are too courteous/polte/shy/scared to deliver this message, though.  Unfortunately, we do live in a world where ladies are cultured to not say no.  This means that guys have to pay special attention to a woman who is disinterested.

Ladies, please understand, this is tough.  It’s hard to tell when you’re playing hard to get, when you’re shy and intimidated, when you’re disinterested, or when you’re plain-old not in the mood.

Guys, you need to recognize the very subtle differences between these.  Ask yourself:

  • Does she seem enthusiastic about what you’re trying to do?
  • Does she seem happy in response to whatever your behavior was?

This all reminds me of what my mom told me on the day I graduated high school.  She said:

“If a girl isn’t sure if I guy wants her to, he wants her to.  If a guy isn’t she if a girl wants him to, she doesn’t.”

Girls, there are a few ways to subvert a creeper:

  1. Be straight up with him.
    Tell him he is creeping you out and he needs to leave you alone.  It may not always need this, but it’s better to say it and not need to than need to and not said it.
  2. Evacuate.
    You need to go.  Call your boyfriend, have a smoke, change your tampon.  Go somewhere he isn’t going to follow you if you have that luxury.  If you’re at work or somewhere, tell him you need to check in with your boss about something.
  3. Interception.
    Have friends come help you.  He might be a lot more enjoyable if you’ve got the safety blanket of friends.  If you’ve already got a boyfriend, he could certainly be a very persuasive agent.

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