By Association

Would you ever be The Other Person?

I just finished reading an article about how it is acceptable to help a monogamous person cheat.  It’s a short read, check it out.

I am fundamentally against the idea of disrespecting other peoples’ established relationship boundaries, but I am always open to new ideas.  I was even convinced to respect people who like to go ass2mouth, even though I still don’t ever want to do it.

If presented an idea counter to my own convictions, I can still be swayed.  I am receptive provided that the idea has three key attributes: it must be logical, supported, and well-versed.

Of those three attributes, this article has zero.

This article reads like it was written by a person who feels so guilty about being the other person, that they felt compelled to write a blog post full of self-justification.  Not a whole lot of substance, just statements with no real supports.

Firstly, they start off by railing on Dan Savage.  Savage generally has two kinds of readers: People who love him and think everything he churns out is scripture, and people who view him as a soapbox preacher trying to tell other people how to live there life.

Most people don’t get that he is just a guy.  A good writer, no doubt.  And a decent social scientist.  But he’s perfected a system that works for him.  It works for a lot of people.  It may not work for you.

Being the other person won’t work for anybody, regardless of whether or not you like Dan Savage.

I don’t like the phrase nonmonogamy.  Nonmonogamy is something monogamous people do when they fuck up.  Polyamorous people practice consensual nonmonogamy.  If your partner (and/or their partner) doesn’t consent to it, it’s wrong.

Don’t listen to this writer’s advice on what you should do.  There is no right way to be a polyamorist, but there are enough wrong ways that I can spot them.  My way may not be right for you, but it’s certainly met with excellent reviews in my social circles.

So what should you do:

If you are the other person, you done goofed.  It happens.

What you are doing is wrong, but there are plenty of things you can do to remedy that:

  1. Stop.
    Keep the incident isolated if you think it can be.  Don’t do it again, don’t enable them again, and strongly discourage them from being unfaithful again.  Unless you know their partner, I don’t think you need to tell them.
  2. Drop.
    Have them leave their partner.  Obviously, monogamy may not be their thing.  Otherwise, they would be doing it.  Encourage a trial separation where they can be with you, try out the polyamory waters, and not need to do so behind their partner’s back.
  3. Roll.
    Have both of them sign up for polyamory.  Their partner could be more receptive to it if they get to do it too!  The poly world is very sink-or-swim, so they will find out immediately.

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