10 Useful Prophylactic Facts

Outside of getting your sperm supply cut off, male birth control is limited to condoms and abstinence.  Thanks to my American public school sex-education course, you can guess which of these two I learned about…

I’m one of millions of men in this country who was vastly unprepared for and culturally dissuaded from using condoms.  And considering that condoms are essentially the most vital tool for safe sex, sexually active people have got to educate themselves more!

When people use them correctly, condoms are 98% effective.  However, If you just know how to put one on right, you’re already ahead of the curve.  But if you’ve got that first lesson in your sex transcripts, here’s a selection of other vital infortmation for your everyday sex life:

10 Things I Never Learned About Condoms in Sex-Ed

  1. Most Condoms are NOT vegan
    Renouncing the consumption of all animals and animal byproducts is no simple feat, especially when people learn that most condoms are not vegan.  The majority of condoms smooth the latex with a milk protein called casein.  If you don’t want the vegan police to come for you, you should invest in some vegan alternatives.  While most non-latex condoms are incidentally vegan, you may need to double check that.  For a list of confirmed vegan options, follow Vegan.com’s recommendations.
  2. You might NOT have a Latex Allergy
    Research shows that less than 1% of the US population is legitimately allergic to latex. Many who have reactions to latex condoms are actually reacting to certain chemicals (like casein) that are often used in their production.  So if you’re afraid of an allergy, get a doctor to confirm that before you rule out a GIANT portion of the condom market.  While you can try testing at home by trying out different latex condoms until your partner goes into anaphylactic shock; this is not a preferred method to determine allergies, regardless of how hot it would be to blast your partner with an epipen mid-coitus.
  3. Lambskin Sex is NOT Safe Sex
    Lambskin condoms do not protect against viral STDs, like HIV and herpes.  While they do protect against children, the cutest of all the sexually transmitted diseases, viruses are tiny enough to get through the pores in lambskin.  So if you only like the feeling of lambskin, you better only be worried about getting children from your partner.
  4. Buy Online to Save
    Just like printer ink, the condom market preys on desperate people who have run out.  But if you purchase before you need, you pay a fraction of the price!  Even if you’re buying the “best value” at your local pharmacy, you’ll pay half that amount if you order online.  I order in bulks of 100-count packages where I can easily find options that cost $0.05 USD per condom.   While 100 condoms may seem like a lot, condoms are generally good for 5 years (2 years if they have spermicidal lubricant).  Step your safe sex game up and buy for a year of fucking, not just a night.
  5. American Condoms are Rare
    More than 5 billion condoms worldwide are sold every year, according to Michael S. Zedalis, senior vice president in charge of science and technology for condom-maker Ansell Limited.  Of all the brands on the market, the only American company who makes American condoms is Trojan.  Continued support of the American economy means buying American condoms for all your banging needs.
  6. Condom Climate is Important
    Keeping condoms in your wallet or your car is sure useful in a pinch.  But for maximum longevity, condoms need to be kept in a cool, dry place.  The regular frictions put on the average wallet by the average man can deteriorate the condom or puncture the packaging, causing failures.  Keeping them in your car’s glove box can have a similar effect on the condoms.  Excluding the frictions of the glove box, condoms should never be stored anywhere it’s over 100 degrees or cooler than 32 degrees Fahrenheit.  I keep my condoms in an empty Altoids tin in my breast pocket.  It doesn’t get too warm there, not too much turbulence, and I’ve got the room for 4 condoms and a packet of lube!
  7. Flavored Condoms are Probably ONLY for the Mouth
    The same is true for flavored lubricants.  It would be neat if they said this ANYWHERE on the package, but they generally don’t mention that the sugars that make these taste so good also put women at a higher risk for infections like a yeast infection.  While we’re on the subject of women-friendly condoms, spermicidal lubricants also cause irritation which can cause UTIs in women.
  8. Size Matters…kinda
    Here’s a chart for condoms and their sizes.  Unstretched, the smallest “snugger fit” has 58% of the volume that you’ll find in the biggest condom on the market.  That being said, anybody who has ever stuffed their whole head in a condom will tell you that condoms are plenty flexible!  Most “large sized” condoms are the same size as the regular-sized option, but cost 33% more.  Let it never be said that men don’t fall prey to vanity sizing.
  9. Condoms are Especially Important for Buttsex
    While it’s a surefire way to avoid pregnancy.  Just because you’re thinking outside the box, doesn’t mean you’re playing it safe.  Clinical studies show that unprotected anal sex has over twice the HIV risk of its vaginal counterpart.
  10. Condoms Have Tons of Uses
    Even if you’ve decided you’d rather not have sex than do it with a condom on, it’s still beneficial to keep a few in the house!  If you need to waterproof anything or just need a quick bit of latex for tying off something, condoms are good for lots of stuff other than fucking.  And if you have them on hand for those occasions, you won’t be caught unawares if you ever need them for their intended purpose…

I’m always a little shaken by how little people know about condoms.  Often enough, all people know about condoms are the problems they have with them.  If I could address some of those greivances:

  • I can’t feel anything with the condom on
    You lucky duck.  Here I am thinking about baseball and counting prime numbers to stop myself from finishing too fast, and all you have to do is make a prudent decision about the health of yourself and your partner.  Pressuring partners into having unprotected sex with this line is disturbingly common.
    I understand why.  It’s a much more acceptable way of saying “I want to put us both at risk for some reason, and I’m going to bait you into agreeing with me by calling into question your desire for approval.”
    Bad form.
  • The condom is too tight, it cuts off circulation
    I hope your partner isn’t too tight, then!  For real though, try out all the different options on this chart before you decide that no condom in the world has enough room for your enormous pecker.  If you’ve used every single one to no avail, then maybe invest in some female condoms.
  • It takes too long to put it on
    If several seconds is a sizable portion of the time you’re spending making love, you have bigger problems than condom use.  If you feel like putting on a condom interrupts the flow of your session, there are plenty of sexy ways to get the condom on.  Just like taking time in foreplay to get your partner ready, you shouldn’t have a problem with the time it takes to get yourself ready.

That’s just some stuff that I really wish someone had taught me back in the day when I had “sex ed”.  Is there anything you wish you got taught about safe sex when you were in sex ed?  Any important pieces of information about prophylactics I could add to the list?  Feel free to drop those comments in the comments!

What Relationship Anarchist are you?

Bar none, relationship anarchists are my favorite polyamorists.  However, relationship anarchists also make up the vast majority of my least favorite polyamorists.  While polarizing opinions are very rarely drawn between a person and himself, I’ve been musing myself in twain!  Just like political anarchy, relationship anarchy is a profound shift in the existing paradigm.  Also like political anarchy, it can leave people worse off than they were before if the revolution is executed poorly.

Firstly, definitions.  Since the voice of the people is the voice of god.  Here’s Wikipedia’s definition of Relationship Anarchy:

The practice of forming relationships that are not bound by rules aside from what the people involved mutually agree on.

Oooooh, shit!  What a sexy relationship philosophy!

Kinda…

That’s how things look on paper.  It’s tough to apply the structure of language to something as aggressively unstructured as anarchy, though.  In practice, relationship anarchy is manifest in its different subsections; just like political anarchy!  In all my experience with people who self-identify as “Relationship Anarchists”, I’ve found they generally fall into one of two categories:

Relationship Marxists      &      Relationship Libertarians

So if you have been flirting with or subscribing to the notion of relationship anarchy, there’s a real chance you could be one of these persuasions.  But which one?!?

I wish there was a test we could take– like finding out which House you’d be in Hogwarts.  But there’s no Sorting Hat in my sex life (except maybe this one), so we’re forced to self identify.  At its base, relationship anarchy is a DIY relationship.  That broad definition encompasses virtually all alternative lifestyle relationships, though.  I hit up some of my buddies who identify with the relationship anarchy style, and most define it as a form of “non-heirarchical polyamory”.

While many non-monogamists might have a single or number of partners they view as their “primary”, there are some who prefer not to stratify their partners.  And while complete equality of all the relationships in your life is not a realistic achievement, it’s certainly a goal worth reaching for.

Striving for that is what pushes relationship anarchists, and what I truly admire about them.

That being said, no revolution is without people using its tenets to advance their own agenda.  If relationship marxists follow their namesake’s mantra:

“From each according to his ability, to each according to his needs”

So to do relationship libertarians follow their namesake’s mantra:

“Got mine. Fuck y’all”

Alright, that’s harsh.  But I’m a recovering libertarian, so I can say that.  I still think Gary Johnson was the most entertaining third party candidate we’ve had in recent memory, and Ayn Rand has some decent quotes despite the fact that I disagree with the vast majority of her sentiments now.

Not every relationship anarchist I’ve met has a high regard for individual freedoms and personal boundaries.  Many actually assume the mantle of the relationship anarchist to have even more control in a relationship than is normally granted by the unwritten rules laid down by the patriarchy of conventional dating.

Feminist author Jo Freeman has an excellent essay called “The Tyranny of Structurelessness” where she talks about the inherent dangers of unseating the establishment coming from her experiences with the radical feminists of the 1970s.  The dangers she calls out of anarchy are the same as the ones found in relationship anarchy.  Over 30 years after Freeman, another feminist author, Hilary Wainwright, revisited that essay with her own “Imagine There’s No Leaders“.  Wainwright explains:

“lack of structure too often disguised an informal, unacknowledged and unaccountable leadership that was all the more pernicious because its very existence was denied.”

A progressive relationship style with built-in gaslighting?  Opportunistic liberals are chomping at the bit…

I’ve seen this paralleled in the poly communities by self identified “relationship anarchists” who believe that because they have absolved themselves of conventional obligations to their partners, they too can also absolve themselves of basic accountability. 

The solution to people abusing relationship anarchy is the same as the solution to people abusing political anarchy: representation.  The terms of the relationship need to reflect the needs of the partners.  That may lead to obligation or feelings of ownership, but leaving yourself open to that is a better option than leaving yourself open to abuse.  Wainwright goes on to explain:

“The only democratic answer lies in the creation of transparent structures based on collectively agreed rules that may or may not include leaders of some kind.”

Communication, the yardstick of polyamory, is another item that people abusing relationship anarchy often consider themselves ‘above’.  This is the easiest way to determine if you are involved with (or are personally) a relationship libertarian: sit down and have a talk about preferences.  Resistance to discussing shared boundaries often means that a person doesn’t want to get hung up on their route to having a good time.  While any partner, even monogamists, can certainly be opposed to having certain shared boundaries; if just discussing them is off the table, then a stratification exists in that this person’s romantic status quo is their primary.  In such a case, you might be better off leaving them to find some other objectivist heart to live together in whatever romantic utopia makes sense to them.

Relationship marxists on the other hand, are willing to address these issues with real responses.  These people know that we’re all in it together, and preserving one’s individuality does not need to come at a cost of consideration.  If you have the aforementioned discussion of preferences, they will be willing to open that dialogue.  A relationship marxist would come to mutually agreed terms that can keep all parties satisfied.  Even if it comes at some cost to their autonomy.

And I hate to use the word “cost” at the risk of making a relationship feel like it’s an exchange you have to haggle and bargain with.  Relationships don’t need to have a cost.  But everyone has to put in their fare share.

That’s just been my experience with relationship anarchy, though!  Any of you reading are relationship anarchists who think I totally missed the mark?  Anybody else relationship anar-churious and want to share your hesitations?  Relationship libertarians who want to stand up for their rights?  Let’s keep this discussion going in the comments!

Womanizing Your Apartment

I really try to make sure a girl doesn’t regret going home with me.  Making my apartment a little less regrettable is square one in that effort.  Sure, keeping my dirty laundry in a hamper, my filthy dishes in the sink, and my bedsheets absent of mysterious stains is generally enough to keep those regrets at bay; there’s so much more to having a functioning home that will keep the ladies coming back for more of my company.

Like most live-alone bachelors, I don’t have a lot of essentials that a woman would find at one of her girl’s places.  So before all women figure out the benefits of lesbian relationships, let’s take this room-by-room and I’ll tell you some of the most successful additions I’ve made to my apartment to give the fairer sex a reason to visit again.

The Bathroom

If it’s the end of the date, your gal might ask to use your washroom before she goes home.  If you’re bathroom looks amenable to her, she might consider it better to crash at your place than trek home.  Here are some additions I’ve made to keep those considerations considerable:

  1. Femenine Products
    Plenty of girls keep extras of their preferred products in their purse.  If there’s no backup, though, they might be less likely to stay the night away from their rations back home.  While keeping a spare reusable femenine product is certainly environmentally friendly, I doubt every girl you bring home wants to share the same Diva Cup.  I recommend keeping both disposable pads and tampons visible in your bathroom.  For the tampons, Pearl (with an applicator) generally works for everyone in a pinch and is available at most stores.  If you wanna go the extra mile on her cycle, keep some Motrin visible next to the boxes.
  2. Wet Naps
    When a gal says she’s going to “freshen up”, she’s hoping a guy has some of these.  She might use these to wipe the excitement out of her crevasses before taking things to the bedroom and it couldn’t hurt for you to do the same.  Sometimes, they’ll need to freshen up after sex too(esp. if there’s some menstruation and/or backdooring).  And if they don’t have time to go home before work the next day, they can use these to give themselves a field-shower (also known by the less sensitive term “Whore Bath“, guess why).  Unscented Wet Ones (or some legit makeup removal wipes if you wanna score extra points) are also great to have for getting her makeup off before bed so that she doesn’t leave a Pollock painting on the pillow.
  3. A Lined Trash Can with a Lid
    If they are using your wet naps and spare tampons, you better believe your trash can is getting filled with some second-hand womanhood.  A plastic bag will stop things from sticking to the bottom.  A can with a lid will spare your gal the ordeal of having to bury her used products under piles of tissue and toilet paper rolls only to be unearthed the morning after when your dog sniffs into your trash bin and tears the refuse out into a million twisted, brown-red shreds in your kitchen.  And many girls find their used products unsightly, so it’s best to have a lid cover that.
  4. UTI Care
    Of the many benefits there are to being a guy, one is the lack of urinary tract infections.  Most guys go their whole lives without getting one.  On the other hand, 50-60% of women have experienced these painful episodes.  The extra kicker is that UTIs are most commonly caused by having sex.  Given that we’re almost certainly implicit in the infection, so to does the responsibility of treatment fall on the guy’s shoulders.  Invest in some cranberry pills and some AZO (or the store brand urinary pain relief pills) for your lady to limit the physical pain she has reminding her of fucking you.
  5. Hair Care
    As a short-haired guy; I have no need for a hairbrush, curling iron, blow dryer, or bobby pins; but I still have them.  While I used to spike my hair pretty fierce, I haven’t needed any Aqua Net in a long time, but still have it.  I’m sure some girls might wonder why I keep all these things in my bathroom.  But for every one girl that’s wondering, there are 10 girls thanking me for saving their aesthetic for the day.
  6. Miscellaneous Spare Toiletries
    Just like a hotel gives away, keep some items on hand you’re okay throwing away after use.  Here’s what I keep: contact lens cases & solution, toothbrushes, razors, chapstick, safety pins (for bra malfunctions), nail polish (for stocking malfunctions).

The Bedroom

Where the magic happens.  Generally, if they’ve agreed to join me here, I feel like the hard work is already done.  But I could still get hung up on something trivial that will disrupt the romantic flow.  To keep your love machine well oiled, consider making some of the following investments:

  1. Hair Ties
    Most guys don’t understand this struggle.  I’ve sucked plenty of cock and I didn’t understand until I tried doing it while wearing a trashy wig.  It’s hard to slob knob like a lady when your constantly pulling hair out of your mouth.  Certainly a gentleman could hold the hair up for you.  But holding a bun in place tethers your cocksucker, inhibiting their ability to perform fellatio with complete freedom.  Next time you’re at the general store, get a pack of 100, keep them in your bedroom next to the bed so you don’t even need to get up to enhance your BJ!
  2. Spare Chargers
    It’s real easy to have a walk of shame when your phone is dead and you need to get home with nothing to do but think about what happened last night and how visible it is on your person.  But if your phone is full of juice, that walk of shame becomes a triumphant posting of selfies about having the “Best night ever!  Still recovering! #YOLO”
    Have a spare MiniUSB charger for any of your android-using partners, and try to have one of the many different iPhone chargers if for whatever reason you want to cater to the Mac crowd.
  3. Non-Latex Condoms
    Missing some accouterments or other may slow down or choke up the flow of love making.  But if you’re partner has a latex allergy, missing safe sex alternatives will bring your night to a screeching, blue-balled halt.  Invest in a a pack of Polyisoprene, polyeurethane, or lambskin condoms just in case.
  4. Lube
    I know Ronda Rousey said “If you need lube, then you’re being lazy”.  But if she was so smart, then Holm wouldn’t have knocked her the fuck out.  While good foreplay is the cheapest lube, there are plenty of reasons to lube up other than “being lazy”!  Some girls aren’t as naturally wet as others.  And I don’t care how much foreplay you do, you always grease up if you’re going to be backdooring someone.  Keep the lube within arms reach.  And if all possible, get a pump action bottle so that you don’t have to fumble getting the lid open/close.  Buy as much as you might end up using in a year.  Though there’s never an expiration date on lube, experts reccomend about a year before disposal, depending on what kind of lube…
  5. A Towel
    After you grease up your pecker and you’re ready to fuck on all cylinders, you don’t want that slippery and sticky hand to go staining your sheets and ruining your partners hair.  Rub it off on a nearby towel!
    You’re girl on the rag?  Don’t let her cycle turn your bed into a scene from Dexter.  Lay a towel down!
    Just shoot the biggest load of all time onto your partner’s tits/ass/face/feet/cat?  Be a gentleman and reach for a nearby towel to clean up your mess.
    There’s a reason that the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy considers this to be “the most massively useful thing“.  Keep a CLEAN towel near the bed for emergencies!
  6. Hitachi Magic Wand
    Considered by many to be the excalibur of sex toys.  That is in no way an overstatement.  I’ve had girls who were prepared to be dissapointed by all the hype be pleasantly surprised before they wiped the drool from their mouths and started eating that crow.

The Kitchen

My mornings are built in my kitchen.  I build my date’s morning in the kitchen too.  These are my construction tools:

  1. Disposable Coffee Cups
    Being a gentleman and fixing coffee/tea for your gal pal first thing in the morning is a great way to make her feel welcome and appreciated.  If you fix her a cup for the road in a disposable cup with a lid, she’ll be feeling them feels even after she leaves.
  2. Easy Breakfasts
    If you’re sending your gal out with a to-go coffee, you might as well send her with a nutri-grain/cliff-bar/pop-tart/other handheld snack.  These are also great if you need to leave before she does.  On your way out, give her a kiss and tell her to help herself!
  3. Chocolate
    I’m tempted to put this under “feminine products”, but I keep this menstrual aid in the kitchen.
  4. Cold Water Bottle
    It doesn’t have to be name-brand bottled water, but a filled nalgene in the fridge is exactly what you’re both going to want after you’re done with a heart-pumping, high-energy fuckspree.

That’s all I can think of with big thanks to the women in my life for adding some of their insights.  Gals, is there anything you wish guys would have at their places?  If so, post them in the comments for all the aspiring bachelors to put on their grocery list!

Growing Fetishes

“the bleak light of full adulthood, which is to one’s early twenties as Sunday morning is to Saturday night”
-Neal Stephenson, Snow Crash

There’s plenty I’ve found myself more interested in as I’ve grown older:  Lingerie, pegging, The Dave Matthews Band.  Similarly, the partners I’ve had for many years have also developed as we’ve grown together.  They too adopt new fetishes and quirks, though nothing as weird as The Dave Matthews Band.  That’s pretty much just me.

While these quirks certainly vary strongly between the partners I’ve had, there is one fetish of which I’ve found more and more of the female partners I’ve had have been particularly fond: the creampie fantasy.

It might be as simple as the pleasure of forbidden fruits.  Maybe it’s a reclamation of the historical use of impregnation as a tool of female oppression.  Or maybe we’re all just getting a little older and parenthood is becoming something that scares us in a good way.  Whatever the reason, just like Game of Thrones or Fifth Harmony, pretending to knock a girl up is what’s hot right now.

Note, I said “pretending”.  Safe sex no more mutually exclusive with an impregnation fantasy than consent is with a rape roleplay.  I’ve done the impregnation roleplay while wearing condoms, with partners using an IUD, I’ve even had an impregnation roleplay with a transwoman.  I discuss the matter beforehand, establish whatever parameters please both parties, and we forge ahead with an everpresent consideration of each other and have never had an issue.

It’s a high risk roleplay, though.  You’re playing with the concept of maternity.  Which is a Freudian slippery slope.  If we were using the rating system I employed in my article about roleplays, I would rank this one as an R-Rated roleplay.  At least.  I think that’s why it’s been received so well.  It’s just so impossibly naughty…

Like many of my partners, I grew up with a stock of middle and upper-middle class white youths.  For many of us in the progressive generation, we weren’t raised to be afraid of sex.  We were raised to be afraid of babies.  The parents of our generation made sure we knew their regrets about having us.

Of course, our parents are one generation deeper into the widespread use of pregnancy to subjugate and indenture women.  With the expanding recognition of these acts, there too is coming the expanding fetishization of them.  Just like 1950s household or Burlesque, our newfound understanding of the sordid history makes it wet with unacceptability.  It’s no coincidence that all of the partners who have enthusiastically taken to this fetish are also Steinem-reading, patriarchy-fighting, self-identified feminists.

In addition to feminism, the other trend that’s popular with my partners is aging.  We’re not old yet, but we’re getting to the age where we’re expected to continue propagating the species.  And in this bleak light of full adulthood, there is something satisfying about the feeling of giving in to the societal pressure.  I won’t deny that it’s a little liberating when immerse myself in the toxic masculinity that is dripping from the affectations of me being “dominant” in the bedroom.

I am become patriarchy, destroyer of wombs.

Don’t get your Dworkins in a twist, though.  Just like condoms, feminism too is not mutually exclusive with this roleplay.  I can only imagine the struggles of the average woman who identifies as feminist and submissive, so I don’t want to miss an opportunity to remind them that you can be both.  And the feminist/submissive dichotomy is no less false than the conventional one drawn between virgin/whore.

Be both.  Say the nasty shit.

Get the nasty shit said to you.

It’s more prevalent than you might imagine.  Reddit has 11 forums dedicated to the subject, two of which are personals, totalling 140,242 subscribed readers.  And that’s just in the public forums, of which the three most popular (are NSFW and) are:

  • r/breeding – 26,514 Readers
    This forum is sort of a catch-all for any media/literature of or relating to the subject.
  • r/cuckoldpregnancy – 7,714 Readers
    Which is directed to the act of humiliating submissives with having their partners sharing a child with a third, outside party.  While there certainly are a few posts dedicated to cuckqueaning and also whitebreeding a female person of color.  The most common post is for “blackbreeding” a white woman with an extramarital black male (or “bull” to use the technical language).
  • r/inbreeding – 4,616 Readers
    This subreddit goes with the tagline “When just fucking your family isn’t enough”.  What a pointed commentary!  If you’re already having one of the most taboo fetishes on the market, why not go the extra weird mile?
    In for a penny, in for a pound…

Reddit is a fine platform for getting your hands on literature and some images on the subject.  While they do have videos, the champion of getting internet porn videos for free is the searching feature behind porn torrenting websites.  These have been meticulously and methodically designed to satisfy perverts with very specific proclivities.  I groomed all the tags relevant to the topic and found a total of 362 videos!  Of the top tags concerning these fetishes, here’s a list with the number of tagged videos:

 

Tag(s) Videos Available
“Impregnation” 247
“Impregnation Fantasy” 115
“Breeding” 70
“Blackbred” 11
“Black.Bred” 7
“Black.Breeding” 5
“Bred.By.Black” “Insemination” 4
“Wifebreeding”, “Wifebreeder”, “Inseminated”, “Impreg” 3
“Wife.Breeders”, “Breed”, “Blackbred.com”, “Forced.Impregnation” 2
“Implied.Impregnation”, “Blrackbred”, “Breedingwhore”, “Interracial.Breeding”, “Reluctant.Breeding”, “Reluctant.Impregnation”, “Forced.Breeding”, “Bred.By.Blacks” 1

Note: plenty of the videos in this stock fall into several, if not most, of these categories.

In total, we’re looking at 362 separate videos that are all directed towards an impregnation fetish.  To put that in perspective, it’s not as common as videos tagged with fetishes like “Emo” (429 videos) or “Anal.Beads” (465 videos).  It’s almost as popular as spectacles like “ass.to.ass” (364 videos); marginally more popular than fetishes like “Medical” (358 videos) or  “wrestling” (360 videos).  And it’s distinctly more common than videos tagged with fetishes like “Tickling” (255 videos) or “Nipple.Torture” (253 videos).

Of the representative videos tagged in the impregnation fetish, the most downloaded are:
5.  Veruca James – Virtual Sex Creampie (142 Seeds)
4.  Alex Chance – Brothers and Sisters (154 Seeds)
3.  Taylor Mitchell – Real Amateur Hotwife & Interracial Cuckold  (175 Seeds)
2.  Princess Leia – Party Girl Had Daddy Impregnate Her (207 Seeds)
1.  Lady Fyre – Mom Made Me Impregnate Aunt Mallory (441 Seeds)

Clearly, inbreeding is the most commonly shared video on the subject.  But interracial cuckoldry is in a very powerful third place.  Just barely in the top 5 would be the fine performance of Veruca James, which is a story of a deceptive girl who lures her boyfriend into using sabotaged condoms so that she gets pregnant because she is excited about the idea of having his abortion.

I’ll bet you thought the one that wasn’t about incest or cuckoldry was gonna be a little more normal, didn’t you?

False.

Given the usually direct correlation between how sexy something is and how unacceptable it is, don’ t be afraid to let your freak flag fly.  Sure, I’ve proposed this roleplay to a few girls who were not interested.  But accepting a refusal is easy enough to do, that it’s worth at least offering if you’re interested.

As for the execution of the roleplay, here’s a list of winning strategies I’ve found for the engagement:

  1. Suspend the Disbelief
    Don’t let them see you put the condom on.  Sure, they’ll know you’re wearing one.  But there’s something exciting about not knowing that your partner is wearing one.  Like good practical special effects at the movies.  I know it’s only a model, but I forget when I’m not reminded.
  2. Talk Some Shit
    Even if you were legitimately having unprotected sex for the explicit purpose of procreation, you wouldn’t know if you were successful for at least a week.  So the only way to make it real (or ‘real’ in the case of a roleplay) is for the verbal exchange to happen.  Use some graphic language with phrases like “knock me up” or “make me a mom”.  You can even get extra gritty with nigh-agricultural phrases like “you’re my fertile, little breed mare”.
  3. Find out What You Like About It
    This should be the first step before exploring any kink really.  Do you like the idea of having something of your partner’s put into you?  Do you like the idea of owning your partner from the inside?  There are a lot of different places you could take this kink and finding out what direction will really help guide you to a place you really dig.

Have you ever tried an impregnation roleplay?  What was the scenario?  Got any winning lines you like to say/hear?  Any good videos you’d recommend for people who’re interested?

What’s in a Number?

I find numbers very sexy.  This has led me to two behaviors with OkCupid.  One -fairly innocuous- idea is that I find people with a higher match percentage more attractive.  The other -kinda peculiar- urge I have is to keep a record of my match percentages with people I meet from the website.

Yeah, it’s weird, but I started doing it when I was unemployed and needed something to fill my days.

This is why we need to build a better economy, it’ll prevent guys like me from having the time to build spreadsheets about weird shit.  If you think I’m bad, you should read some of the studies they do at OkTrends

Anyway…over time, I’ve collected a sample size of 35 percentages.  These are the match percentages of people I’ve met on OkC and with whom I’ve had relations.  I tried to be good about recording these.  Given that 35 is a nearly complete fair size to draw conclusions about my preferences with online dating, here’s what I’ve found with OkCupid dates:

  1. Average Percentage Match: 89%
  2. Median Match: 93%
  3. Highest Match: 99%
  4. Lowest Match: 63%

What can I draw from this data?  Firstly, I can see that a low percentage match will not automatically disqualify a connection.  63% is low.  Like…catfish profile low.  But even then, there’s hope.  So if you ever see someone that seems like your type, but may not have the numbers to push you all the way to send that message, maybe send it anyway!

Outside of that, it tells me that I generally end up in the bedroom with people in or around the 90% match range.

Makes sense.  When I’m browsing profiles and see a high percent match; it’s just as sexy as seeing a photo of them at the beach, a number of different languages spoken, or listing Digimon as one of their favorite shows.  But this provokes a whole different series of questions about whether or not we would have slept together if we didn’t have such a high match.

Did we sleep together because we were a good match or did we sleep together because we had a high match?

OkCupid programmers actually lied to their users one time in an effort to test the persuasive ability of the algorithm.  It’s a very interesting study in consumption of statistics and also involuntary experimentation if you want to read that here.  The final numbers on their study were as such:

OkCupid-experiment

The end results of this experiment did confirm my suspicions, but not by that much.  Was I being swayed by a big, strong, match percent? Maybe…Marginally, at most.

While that study yielded results based on comparing their real algorithm to a fake algorithm, I wanted a more comprehensive comparative sample.  I collected the data from people that I have found on OkCupid after we’d already met somewhere else.

Maybe we met at a party, on tinder, or in line at the Planned Parenthood and had a liaisons before they showed up in my Quickmatch later on and I scribbled down our numbers.  Obviously this sample size is smaller (20 entries), but as a tool for comparison, that’s a substantial value.  This is a real test of the OkCupid algorithm:

How do OkCupid matches compare to real life matches?

If we met on OkCupid…

If we met outside Okcupid…

Average Match

89%

88%

Median Match

93%

94%

High Match %

99%

99%

Low Match %

63%

37%

 

These numbers barely have a deviation.  It’s almost a little disturbing…

To be extra sciency, I had my most skillful statistician buddy run the two sets of data through a T-Test Calculator which yielded a p-value of .844416.  After I had him explain to me what that meant, I learned that OkCupid matches are the same percent as my existing romantic life 84% of the time.

84 whole percents? That’s nothing to scoff at.  OkCupid gets a B- at my dating life!  Or as my aforementioned stat-nerd-bro puts it, “It means their algorithm really is quite good”.

While the OkCupid study was able to illustrate how fake their numbers can be, I think my data indicates just how real things can be.  While this study is based on a limited sample size (35 Okc dates Vs. 20 IRL dates), I believe this to be a representative sample of my dating life as a whole.

The one outlier comes from the significantly lower lowest I found in my non-OkC dates.  At nearly half the percentage match of my lowest OkC, my lowest matches from real life might have come from a time when I didn’t have a computer program to tell me it was a bad idea.

Higher match percentage may not always make an online date more attractive, but a very low match percentage is apparently a bigger deal for electronic affections.

The study needs more data.  If you’d like to help, feel free to come over and sleep with me, then we can share match percentages and I could add them to my spreadsheet.  All my grant requests have been denied for me to conduct this study, however.  If you would like to take part, you’ll have to test pro-bono

Anyway…Do you keep track of your percentages?  How do you think your results vary?  Have you found the OkC algorithm to be a fair decider for a good match?  Post in the comments!

Down with OPP

For conventional dating, the three word phrases that usually send people running are “I love You” and “Ass to Mouth”.  In the world of nonmonogamy, there is a different three words that go bump in the night:

One Penis Policy

The OPP; also known as polygyny, hareming, or the “Highlander-Cock Rule”.  I’m talking about the relationship style that is a form of a cis-heterosexual coupling that is non-monogamous.  The stipulation to their non-monogamy being that while the man is allowed to have whatever outsider partners he likes, his female partner may only have relations with other women.

You might have known some people with an OPP (One Penis Policy), you might have even been one of those couples.  I know I was.

It was when I was a young, scared, and still recovering from being a monogamist.  And fuck me running if it didn’t make me feel secure to adopt a lifestyle that’s incidentally one of the most desired male fantasies in existence.  As a crutch, having an OPP eased me into polyamory just fine.  But now that I’ve spread my wings (and have them tested regularly), I can fly free in the winds of non-exclusivity and I look back on where I came from and see the real issues with it.  Firstly and simply, it’s not fair to the woman in the relationship.  It’s also dismissive of the connections that are built between women.  Ultimately though, it’s not really a necessary step to being truly open with each other.

Being truly open relies on being fair.  It relies on having a realistic understanding of the expectations you have for your partner.  I encourage guys to try playing with their own asshole before they try anal with their girlfriend.  I encourage guys to try body waxing before they expect brazillians.  It’s good to know what it’s like to be on the receiving end before you buy a pretense.  In this case, I’m talking about being on the receiving end of somebody else’s nonmonogamy with a heterosexual partner.

While some guys might feel like the only way they could be nonmonogamous and secure is if their girlfriend was with another woman.  If that’s the case for you, you’re letting your greed and insecurity undermine your partner’s pursuit of happiness; which fundamentally opposes nearly all the virtues of polyamory.  And to tack it onto the historical practice of polygyny as a tool for female oppression, the OPP has no place in modern polyamory.  Modern polyamory is also feminist polyamory.  Modern polyamory cannot exist in a space where men are explicitly given liberties not also offered to women.

To be blunt, the OPP is misogynist.

To be extra blunt, the OPP is misogynist and homophobic.

Having the policy doesn’t make you Jerry Falwell, but it does dismiss the legitimacy of connections built in the absence of heterosexuality.  I didn’t feel like I was being homophobic when I was doing it.  Hell, I felt like I was a champion of the queer movement for allowing my partner to indulge her bisexual desires.  I fancied myself to be the great liberator, imparting my superior male blessings upon her playful acts of want and carnality.

Like I said, I was young.  Did I say stupid?  I was stupid too…

The OPP is not an ally of the queer movement.  It’s quite the opposite.  It’s tantamount to telling your partner:

“I’m possessive of you and feel threatened by the idea of seeing you build a heterosexual connection.  I recognize that you are more secure in our relationship, and can abide the limitations I am neglecting to extend also to myself.  Because I consider homosexual relations between women to be novel and trivial, I will allow them.”

The OPP fundamentally relies on the idea that a sapphic encounter is somehow not “real sex.”

I assure you, it is.  And girls can be just as territorial and possessive as boys when it comes to romance.  So if there’s a worry that a another man will somehow upstage the relationship dynamic, then a real solution is to avoid nonmonogamy altogether.  If you’re new to nonmonogamy, set whatever boundaries make you feel comfortable.  But I implore newbies to avoid having a long term OPP.

Even if you don’t have an official OPP, you’ll probably end up with a de-facto OPP.  For several of my partners, I have been their only male partner.  It’s not because I’ve established a set of rules preventing anything otherwise.  It’s because of an underlying truth about modern courtship:

Dating guys sucks.

Trust me, I’ve done it.  There’s a reason I’m on the straighter end of bisexual.  There are lots of reasons, actually.  Women don’t mind taking things slowly.  Women are more willing to talk about their feelings.  Women are self lubricating.  My partners and I have mostly dated women simply because it’s generally a much more pleasant experience.  Making a policy for it is unnecessary and functions only to perpetuate the marginalizing of women and queers.

If you’re a standup guy, then you’ve set the bar for the quality of gentleman that your lady will desire.  Lesser basic bros will be turned away by her having a confident man in her life.  If there’s a worry that being open to other men will somehow invite the creepers to start making their advances, I can understand that.  But for those of us who have seen the modern dating market, we know that creepers will make their advances regardless of how your relationship is identified.  Even if the man in a given relationship was out of the picture, and the woman was on the dating market as an asexual lesbian only looking for distance partners, she would still be accosted by straight male creepers.  She’d also probably get accosted by couples with an OPP…

Anybody here ever have an OPP?  How did it go for you?  Post in the comments!

An Unapologetic Look at Apologies

Like many good stories, this one begins with a Justin Bieber song.  The song “Sorry” is about trying to apologize, which is such a pervasive and common feeling, it’s no wonder the song is played out on nearly every pop station in America.  Because nobody in a relationship has ever not made a mistake, apologies are an integral part of any good couple.

That’s why pencils have erasers.

Some pencils have really shitty erasers, though.  They muck up the page with smeared lead so bad that it might have been better if you just hadn’t tried using it at all.

Just like erasers are meant to rectify a mistake, so too are apologies.  And just like a bad eraser will sometimes leave you worse than you were before you used it, so too will bad apologies.  I’ve had partners on both ends of the unproficient apology spectrum.  I’ve had some who won’t utter any phrase close to an apology, even when they knew full well they were wrong.  I’ve also had partners who will gush the word sorry at the nearest sign of dissatisfaction; they apologize for everything from looking at you wrong to saying sorry too much.

Apologies are a powerful tool in any relationship.  I’ve always preferred partners who don’t use them so much that the phrase loses meaning.  But I’ve also been frustrated by partners who are too stubborn to acknowledge their own flaws.  As far as apologies go, I’ve found some winning strategies for giving and receiving them…

Proficiently Giving Apologies:

  1. Ask Yourself the Question
    What did I do wrong?
    Apologies are about recognizing mistakes that you’ve made.  While you may not feel like you’ve done anything wrong, you’re partner probably wouldn’t be upset if you were right about that.  Spend some time thinking about it.  Nobody bats a thousand.  You’ll probably find something to apologize about if you put enough thought into it.
  2. Don’t Give a Fake Apology
    These insults include phrases that start with something like:
    I’m sorry that you feel
    I’m sorry if something I did…
    They start as an apology, but quickly just shift the blame onto the recipient of the “apology”.  Which I find worse than not apologizing at all.  Giving people these conversational wolves in sheep’s clothing is tantamount to saying “Things are bad, I understand that it’s your fault and you have my pity.”
    When I’m apologizing, I think it’s important to own my behavior.  I’ll start an apology with:
    I’m really sorry that I
    I’d like to apologize for when I...
    There have been times I’ve felt I shouldn’t apologize and that they were overreacting.  But even then, I feel like I’ve gotta take some ownership of the mess and start off with “I’m sorry for saying…” and then wrapping it up with “…if I would have known [XYZ reasons why I should be more sensitive to the issue], I wouldn’t have done that”
  3. Be on Time
    Don’t give your apology too late.  Don’t give it too early either.  Apologies don’t always have to be Gandalf punctual, but it’s best to pace yourself so you don’t make yourself look reckless.  I’ve had people waste an apology by trying to give it when I was still fired the fuck up and not ready to hear them say anything.  I’ve learned that I need to give myself time to calm down before I am capable of forgiveness.  Similarly, I’ve had people deliver an apology after so long that I had already resolved myself to have a life without them and there wasn’t an emotion left to salvage.
  4. Use a Peace Offering
    The olive branch comes in many forms.  Flowers with an “I’m sorry” card?  Cook them their favorite meal?  Get them tickets to that thing they really love?  Maybe do the weird stuff for them? I’ve made an olive branch out of doing stuff in the bedroom that I know they like, but I am less than excited about.  Sexual antics that I am sparsely interested in make excellent fodder for an overdue apology.  I have a few items that aren’t hard limits, but they’re certainly the kind of thing I’ll only do for a birthday/valentines present, or when I fuck up real bad and need to show them that I’m willing to put my preferences at a lower priority than their satisfaction.  Giving someone a verbal apology is swell, but it helps make the apology feel real when there’s something tangible exchanged as well.
  5. Forward After Forgiveness
    If you had the stones to muster and craft a proper apology, that is an achievement.  I don’t mean to downplay those efforts, but the best that will get you is a chance to show that you can fix things.  Face front, true believer.  I always feel like I have a greater sense of closure when I’m giving/hearing an apology that ends with something that can be changed to mitigate problems in the future.  The art of apologizing up until this is just foreplay to establish a method of preventative measures.

Apologies, like buttsex, rely heavily on someone who knows how to give well.  But it still won’t be any good if the recipient doesn’t know how to take it.  That being said, consider the previous five guidelines as just the tip of my apology experience.  Take a deep breath, relax and consider:

Proficiently Receiving Apologies

  1. Ask Yourself the Question
    What did I do wrong?
    When a relationship hits a snag, it’s exceptionally rare for the blame to fall solely on one person’s shoulders.  Sure they might be due a much bigger chunk of the fault, but you probably could have handled something better too.  If you expect them to acknowledge their fault, you should be ready to admit something as simple as “I could have handled things better too”.
  2. Don’t Force an Apology
    Never use the phrase “You owe me an apology”.  Saying that invalidates any apology you might receive because after you say it, you can never be certain you’re receiving an earnest apology and not just an empty concession.  Telling someone they owe you an apology is -at best- a power play that’s a hefty bit of basic. It establishes that you don’t actually want to talk; you want them to admit to being wrong.  If you have that little respect for the person, why do you even want to resolve your issues?
    While it’s a bad idea to force an apology, it can be really great to guide someone to the opportunity to apologize.  I try bringing up the grievance that I have without saying something that will put them on the defensive.  A favorite of mine is “I was uncomfortable with the way you ENTER SHITTY BEHAVIOR HERE. Could we talk about that?”
  3. Give one Back
    They had the fortitude to initiate this recognition of faults.  They started with themselves, which takes guts.  Seeing as how they’ve cast themselves on the ground, go meet them down there and come back up together.  If it’s a one-sided apology, the delivering party can leave feeling like their emotions aren’t valued.  Even a phrase as simple as “I’m sorry I put you in a situation where…” or “I’m sorry I wasn’t clear enough when…”  If you’re too dang proud to use the S word, at least give them some empathy with  “That was very unlike you, I was mostly worried.  Are you doing okay?”
  4. Seal the Forgiveness
    The person apologizing might feel indebted to you in some way.  Even if they are, that’s a really unpleasant way to feel in a healthy relationship.  Make a joke about it all at their expense.  Tell them they owe you a foot rub.  Have makeup sex…but hatefuck them.  Let them do something for you that makes them feel like they’ve repaid the transgression.  I’d hate to think you resolved your differences, but still have a sink full of dirty dishes…
  5. Forward After Forgiveness
    Just like it takes two to fuck things up, it takes two to fix ’em.  The person most grieved is unfortunately the most responsible for coming up with the solution.  Given that the other person was more wrong, it falls on you to show them the right way.  If the person who fucked up knew how to act in the first place, there wouldn’t be a need to apologize.  If I’m ready to forgive them, I’ll start of with a “In the future, I would appreciate if you…”

I limit myself to a good, metric ten guidelines, but I’m sure I missed a few great ideas!  What works for you?  What do good apologies look like?  How’s about bad ones?  Any good olive branches that you’ve had?  Post in the comments and happy hunting for forgiveness!

Defusing the Irish Car Bomb

As a bachelor of some particular vice, I’m no stranger to cocktails.  One specific comes up every March that I wanted to talk about.

When the Irish think of St. Patrick’s Day, it’s not the same as the American celebration.  When the Irish think of the phrase “Irish Car Bomb”, it sure as shit ain’t the same either.  The cocktail is almost completely unknown in Ireland.  If you told them the ingredients, at best, they would probably call it “a waste of good liquor”.

Similarly, many Irish would call the holiday in America “a waste of good culture”.  With so many Americans who celebrate this holiday by embracing a painfully insensitive caricature of the Irish, I’m not sure my writing could slow that down.  But could we at least wind back on the name “Irish Car Bomb”?

I’m an Irish immigrant and I’m a young man and I was still living in Ireland when car bombs were filling coffins.  While you’d be forcefully removed from the pub for ordering this drink in Belfast, it’s an acceptable and even celebrated order here in the states.

I’m calling for a moratorium on the name of this beverage.    But I’m not going to critique without offering an alternative, though.  bell hooks calls that “an incomplete intervention”.  Just like the beer cocktail “The Black And Tan” could be considered really inflammatory, despite being one of many similar Guinness mixes, but has found a more acceptable title in the “Half and Half”.  I’d hate to think of depriving the masses of painfully sober people that are out every March, so I’ll give you three potential new names for the Irish Car Bomb:

  1. The Wilde Ride
    Much like the cocktail in question, Oscar Wilde is certainly popular with a select community.  And much like the beverage, the Irish have to claim ownership of the ingredients that made him so popular, even if some might be a little embarrassed.  So after you drop and the Baileys starts curdling, think of the Portrait of Dorian Grey because the longer you watch it, the more horrific your night is about to become.
  2. Snake Juice
    There never were any snakes in Ireland.  The idea of St. Patrick “driving the snakes out” is just an allegory for him bringing Catholicism to the godless pagans (as symbolized by the serpent, or snake).  What better way to get back at the man who stripped a country of its native faith than to cannonball the primal spirits of the earth, the spirits of grain and barley and milk, and knock them back faster than the bishop can say “lenten restriction”.  Couple this with the existing legacy of the mysterious beverage from the TV show Parks & Rec, and this could be a very popular new name
  3. The Rattlin’ Bog
    Named after the folk song of the same name, this will give your drink an auld country charm.  Between the literal rattling of the curdling Baileys and the supposed ingredients to Guinness Beer, I think it’s quite fitting too.  You could even borrow from the barsong tradition and sing while you pour the Jameson/Baileys combo for everyone:
    Oh ho the rattlin’ bog
    The bog down in the valley-o
    Oh ho the rattlin’ bog
    The bog down in the valley-oh
    And when your crew finally gets poured up and you all resolve the final “down in the valley-oh”, you can drop your shots and chug that rare drink, that rattlin’ drink.

These are just a few options that speak to me as an Irish born American.  I think about how I would feel if I was in the middle facing the other way.  It would be just as disturbing for me to watch the Irish celebrating one of the most culturally important icons in american history by acting in a way that stereotypes Americans while doing rounds of a drink named after a notoriously violent crime that has claimed hundreds of innocent lives.

Think about Irish kids getting together on Presidents Day every year, wearing Red White and Blue, eating McDonalds and taking turns downing a cocktail called a “Mass Shooting”.  Would that not be considered at least a little insensitive?

I’ve heard of many Irish pubs who patronize their patrons trying to order an Irish Car Bomb by asking them what the ingredients are.  They follow up with “Oh, you mean a 9-11?” Which makes the point, but I’d prefer not to stoop to that level.

They will sometimes respond with “Get the fuck out”.  Which will certainly relay an appropriate message about acceptable nomenclature, but I’d hate to ruin somebody’s good night just because they didn’t know any better.

Some barkeeps I’ve met prefer the term “Irish Slammer”.  Which is innocuous enough, although the phrase Irish Slammer makes me think of the Dirty Protests in the 70s.  Moreover, it just doesn’t have the same color and ferocity that I would like to see from a beverage made of the three most popular spirits to find their way out of the Island of Saints and Scholars.

Anybody have any suggestions they would like to offer for my list of potential new names?

How Many

When I was 12-years-old, we had a special presentation at school.  The teacher called two kids up to the front.  She called up Gary because he was her favorite and she called up me, because I might fall asleep if she didn’t.  She gave us a bag of Cheetos each and we scarfed them down like the ravenous tweens we were.  Then she poured us both a glass of water but told us not to drink it.  She told me to put the water in my mouth and swirl it around before I spit it back into the glass.  She had Gary hold up his glass of clean water and asked the class who would drink that water.  There were confused looks of consent all around.  Then she had me hold up my glass of chunky pale-orange cloudy water and asked who would rather drink this water.  There was a resounding disapproval.  Some kids audibly gagged, others simply let out a disturbed wimper.  When the noises died down, the whole class had a look of softened disgust.

This was my first ever class in sexual education.

Flash forward to last night’s pillow talk.  New person – we’ve spent some nights together, and we finally start feeling each other out conversationally.  We get to the subject of previous sexual partners.  We’re still green, but they end up asking the question:

“how many?”

While guys are known for often exaggerating numbers involving sexuality, I prefer to play an honest game.  We haven’t known each other that long, but I imagine my date’s picked up on that.  I inquire if they actually want to know the number.  I’m curious if they’re ready for the answer.  I want them to be confronted with the idea that this one number might change their opinion of my quality as a partner.  And be ready for an answer they may not like.  I’ll fudge my opinions when my gal asks me how their hair looks first thing in the morning, but I’m not going to fudge a number.

how many?”

This isn’t a number like my age, which is fluctuating, but consistent.  This isn’t my pants size, which would go down if I just stopped eating at Culvers.  And this isn’t a number that’s pretty much set, like the number of Y chromosomes I have.  They were asking me a very specific number concerning a very sensitive part of my life.  This is like asking somebody how many funerals they’ve ever attended.

I lied.

I said a thousand.  While I’m certain there are plenty of people who wouldn’t be lying when they said that, I gather my date got the joke.  We giggle and I ask them why they want to know.  Are they afraid that I’m somehow riddled with disease?  Are they imagining I’m bound to have at least one psychotic ex if I’ve had that many?  Are they worried they won’t seem as special with someone who’s had more than the average?

They tell me they’re just curious.

how many?”

I tell them the truth.  I can tell it’s not as much as they were afraid of.  I can tell it’s more than they’re used to.  I’ve answered this question before.  It gets easier to answer every time, but it’s hard to shake a sense of shame that’s been groomed into me since I was 12 years old holding up a glass of dirty water in front of a class that looks disgusted.  That’s how it feels whenever somebody asks.

how many?

The Wake

When my family lost someone, we would have to prepare the house for mourning.  We would cook a condolence meal, light candles, and cover every mirror in the house.  Though there are some esoteric reasons, covering the mirrors and keeping the place dark is a good way to limit the bereaved from being confronted with the reality of their loss. Outside of the practicality of it, there’s a solace in the ritual of preparing the home.

I prepare my home after I’ve lost a relationship too.

There’s a solace in the ritual.

I start with the stuff.  As the great millennial parody boy bad, 2Gether, taught us; the hardest part of breaking up is getting back your stuff.  While scouring my apartment to stuff a box with their toothbrush, books, and extra butt plugs can be emotionally draining; it’s beneficial on a number of levels.  Firstly, it’s just plain good karma to return someone’s property.  On the other end, it’s hard to move on when your place is littered with memories.

After I’m done packing the severance package I move on to the the items that I can’t give back, but can’t have around either.  Old presents, pictures of us, any item whose existence facilitates their memory gets reconsidered.

Some items I throw away and it is very liberating.  I had a partner once who learned to knit and made me a scarf one year.  But she didn’t know a lot about yarn, so she made it out of mohair (read: the itchiest fucking yarn on the market).  And I spent a the rest of our relationship getting strangled by that uncomfortable rag because it was a gift from the woman I love.  After we called it quits, I pitched that shit on a bonfire like I was casting off shackles.

While it might be beneficial to throw away many of these items, some may have become an integral part of your life.  If they bought you that copy of Halo that you and your friends are always playing, you can let the memories that you have (and will) make with these items eclipse the previous emotion.

There are some items that fall between these two categories, though.  Not useless enough to discard, not useful enough to be worth overcoming the feelings of loss; I’ll mull over these items the hardest.  The Rolling Stones record he got me that we used to play and snog like teenagers until the needle scuffed the end of the record but we were too busy slobbering each other to go flip the vinyl; what do I do with that?  The aneros prostate stimulator that I only ever let her use on me?  The DVD box sets of Seinfeld that we used to stay up late watching?

Stuff like this, I pack away.  Like a time capsule.  I put them in the crawlspace and I wait until I start thinking about them and wanting them enough to pull them out.

I know I’ll be ready to think about them again, just not yet.

And there’s a solace in the ritual.

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